[FIC] Raison d'être - Chapter 6 (FINAL CHAPTER) pt. 1 (Un-edited)
Before I had even opened my eyes, I could tell that I was in the hospital just by the scent. The place had such a particular smell; one of death and sickness and tears, but maybe also a little hope and some smiles. It was an odour that brought sadness and fear, but also reassurance. It could make you stronger when you were down, but it could also break you.
My eyelids fluttered open slowly as the white brightness of the room blinded me. I blinked a few times before I adjusted to the lighting and I looked around the small room.
It seemed like a typical hospital room, though I could tell that it was private because I occupied the only patient bed. No one else was here and the window curtains were drawn back, letting the bright rays of sunlight filter in.
I glanced around the bed and saw the I.V. poll, heart monitor and humidifier that were placed next to me. I looked to the other side only to find a chair, the bathroom and a closed door beside it.
My eyes wondered back to my lap, where they focused on my clamped hands. I tried to rack my foggy brain for the reason of my being here in the hospital, but I couldn’t seem to remember what had happened. I pondered and pondered, but nothing came to mind.
My gaze moved to my wrists and I frowned as I noticed the vivid bruises lining the fragile skin there. I lifted them up and looked closer at the horrible purple and yellow marks. They were in the shape of ovals and circles, forming a shape similar to a handprint. My eyebrows pushed together in confusion and I tried to shake off the bad, nagging feeling tugging in the pit of my stomach. I pushed back my blanket, wanting to stand from the bed, when I noticed the same faint bruises along my bare inner thighs. My mind didn’t seem to click with the notion that I was completely naked beneath my hospital gown and that I should be embarrassed as I tried to remember where those marks had come from.
I blinked and I felt my eyes widen as an abrupt flow of memories rushed through me. I was suddenly back in my bedroom, where I laid face down on my bed. A figure loamed over me, moving rhythmically back and forth.
I didn’t fight back when Yunho pulled my head back with a tight grasp of my hair and bite the tender skin of my neck hard enough to make it bleed. I didn’t move when he pulled my pants down before prying my legs opened and positioning himself at my hidden entrance. I sunk my teeth into the bedspread when he thrust into me with no preparation. I could barely contain my cry of pain.
That was pain, so much pain. And blood and tears.
I was being pulled from the blood-covered carpet - I quickly realized that it was my blood soaking the rug - and I was thrown back onto my bed. I landed hard on my back and my whole body bunched, causing waves of agony to attack my head.
“Ah Jaejoong, did you think I would let you go that easily?” His voice made bile rise to the back of my throat and I didn’t bother trying to hold back my tears as they overflowed and ran down my red cheeks in small streams.
And Eomma…
“I’m sorry Eomma …”
I gasped as my body began to tremble violently.
Yunho.
Yunho, Yunho, Yunho, Yunho, Yunho.
How had I forgotten? How could I forget what he did to me? What he did… Yunho…
My voice broke into sudden sobs as I rocked my body, my arms wrapping themselves tightly around my frame as my mind flashed with all those images. Of how Yunho had did that to me. He had… he had raped me. I said no and he still forced himself on me. Into me. How could he? How could he? And why? Why...
I buried my face in my knees as I pulled them to my aching chest. I couldn’t think straight or feel anything right now. All I could do was cry and hurt. Yunho, my precious Yunho… How could he...
Suddenly the door to the room flew opened, causing me to nearly jump out of my skin. But the person who appeared was none other than my mother, whose face seemed pained and panicked. She rushed to the side of my bed, instantly wrapping her small arms around my shaking body. I realized with a dark inner chuckle that I hadn’t been held by Eomma like this for a long time… since Appa had passed away. She held me like she was terrified to let go, like I might break the instant she would pull away. But what she didn’t know was that I was already broken inside. Broken beyond repair.
The next few minutes were a blur, but I finally managed to regain some level of calm, which wasn’t much. I felt numb and cold, like something was missing in me. The only thing that assured me that I was alive was the pain.
I lay back down and rolled on my side to face my mother, who seemed to have also shed some tears. I realized with a stab to my heart that those tears were because of me.
“Oh baby…” Eomma said with a sad smile, “Oh Joongie-ah, Eomma’s so sorry baby.”
I didn’t have the heart to scold her for using that nickname, the one that only my father was supposed to use. I looked into her face and saw the heartbreak.
She swallowed hard before going into the details of my arrival at the hospital. Unlike what Yunho had told me, my mother had actually been out with some friends for coffee when she realized the late time. Wanting to keep her promise of spending some time with me, she had rushed back home only to find our house empty. Or so she had thought, my mother explained with tears in her eyes. When she had approached the stairwell, she heard odd sounds, like something heavy dropping to the floor. I winced when I remembered how I had fallen after my stepfather had hit me. I could still feel the pulsing sting of his punch and a shiver ran down my spine at the sensation.
I glanced back at Eomma, trying to forget those horrible memories for a moment, while she continued her story. Apparently after hearing those noises, Eomma was going to just ignore them until she heard a muffled scream. My muffled scream. Then after, she lapsed into silence and I already knew the end of her tale.
“I couldn’t believe it…” Eomma murmured as her eyes welled up with tears. “I asked myself ‘Am I seeing this correctly? Is that really my husband… do that to my baby?’ I was so angry, that I just reached out and hit him. After shoving Yunho… off of you, I threatened to call the police and he quickly left. I was in such shock, seeing you lying there in your own blood... How had I let this happen to you Jae-baby?” Eomma stretched a hand out and brushed stray strands of hair from my face. I rubbed my cheek against the warm palm of her tiny hand as she caressed the bruise on my temple and let a few withheld tears fall.
I loved this woman to death. Here she was, trying her damnedest to be strong for me, the son who couldn’t even the truth to her. She was my only family left, the only reason I forced myself to wake up every morning, and I still couldn’t tell her. ‘I slept with Yunho willingly!’ I wanted to scream that thought to her. He might have forced himself on me in the end, but it was my entire fault. Not hers, never hers.
And I swore to myself there and then that I would never ever do anything to hurt her again. My mother deserved that much from me.
I hadn’t realized that I had fallen asleep until the sound of voices woke me from my light slumber some time later. I noticed a doctor talking with my mom just outside the open door of my room. I slowly sat up and Eomma must have seen me because she strode into through the door with the doctor following a pace behind. The older man presented himself and said he would do a check up. To say I wasn’t reluctant about having another man touch me at that moment would be a lie, and I flinched a lot as he overlooked my bruises and head wound.
Luckily, the doctor said much to my mother’s relief, the wound to my head was just superficial. Because it had been to the head, it might have seemed like it had bleed a lot. But it was really just a minor concussion and a small gash that I would have to clean and care for for some time.
But then the older man cleared his throat and looked away in mild uneasy. I swallowed past the bitter taste in my mouth and gripped my mother’s hand tightly. I knew even before he had opened his mouth again what the doctor was going to ask and I felt a cold sweat wash over me. I was scared when he asked me to turn over on my stomach so he could examine the worst mark that Yunho had left on my body. I shook silently as a cold gloved hand probed and examined the area around my sore entrance. I hadn’t realized just how much damage my stepfather had done. And I was ashamed to have anybody see the wounds that he had made as he raped me.
But I sighed in relief when the doctor quickly moved away and told me that the damage done was very minimum and that I could expect to be completely healed in a few days. With that and some details on how to properly clean my head wound and dress my bandage, I was given a clean bill of health and told that I could go home whenever I was ready. Eagerly, I stood slowly due to the slight dizziness caused by the concussion and dressed in fresh clothes that Eomma had brought with her help.
The whole car drive home was quiet and I appreciated my mother’s compassionate silence. It allowed me to sleep most of the slow drive and I was happy for that. But when we arrived at home and I set out to bring my hospital bag to my room my mom finally spoke up.
“Jaejoongie, can Eomma come see you in your room in a few minutes?”
I looked at her serious expression and slowly nodded. I dragged my feet all the way up to my room and stood before my door nervously. This was the place where that had happened, I thought to myself with a small shiver. I tried to stop myself from thinking about it, but it was hard. I wondered if all of the traces of blood were gone. Surely Eomma had cleaned…
It wasn’t until my foot stepped through the threshold that I realized I was holding my breath. I swallowed slowly as my eyes gazed over the room, taking every familiar, clean detail. A sigh filled with relief and something I dare not name escaped my lips and I decided to go sit on the bed.
A rumbling mixture of emotions stirred inside me and I wasn’t sure what exactly I felt being back in this room. I looked at the crisp fresh bed sheets and my memories acted up by themselves. I remembered making love with Yunho in this bed. I remember how ours moans had vibrated off the walls and rang in the silence of my bedroom. The pleasure and joy of that moment were something I couldn’t ever forget.
But then there was the new memory, the one of hurt, pain and heartbreak. How could I ever keep on recalling the good times when that one horrible moment in my life would forever loom over them, casting them in its shadow? My heart clenched and I realized I had no idea how to get past that.
Suddenly, a figure appeared in the doorway and I looked to see my mother. Her face sported a worried look and I wondered what the cause of her worry was. But when she reached out her hand and ran her fingers across my cheek, I felt the dampness there and realized I was crying again. Eomma pulled me up and dragged me out of the room, only to head down the hall and into her own bedroom. She moved me to the bed, where she gently but firmly pushed down to the mattress.
My mind remained puzzled for a moment until I glanced around the room. Everything seemed normal and in place. It looked exactly the same as it did for years now. And then it dawned on me.
“Yunho’s stuff is gone.”
I noticed that I had voiced my realization out loud until I saw Eomma nodded her head out of the corner of my eye. I turned to face her full, panic and worry beginning to surface in my mind.
“Jae, I need to talk to you about some things.” My mother’s voice was gentle and soft, as if she was afraid that raising her voice would scare me. But what scared me more was how calm she seemed at the moment, when I myself felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
“Eomma, where’s Yunho?”
I voiced the one question that’s been weighing heavy on my heart since my waking up in the hospital. I was so terrified to know the answer, but I knew that I needed to hear it.
“Jaejoongie-ah,” my mother sighed and paused for a second to seemingly collect her thoughts.
“I filed for divorce with Yunho. He’ll never come here again and he’ll never approach or contact you either.”
~*~*~*Author's note*~*~*~
Yep yep part 1 of le chapitre finale, lol. Yes, I enjoy using random French sometimes :P.
So, here's part 1. For all those who were fearing Jae's mom's reaction, I hope I didn't disappoint. Next part, Changminnie makes a comeback (finally -__-"). I honestly think this chapter's gonna be like 20 pages long ^^; Hopefully not... (that's means lots of editing for me...)
So please leave a lovely comment my dearies ^^. And any ideas for what gonna happen next in this closing chapter of Raison d'etre?
P.S. I know there are things that don't make sense right now. But please, this is the UN-EDITED VERSION. It means there's some details missing. So please be patient, everything will come together in the edited version ^^;.