[FIC] Raison d'être - Chapter 6 (FINAL CHAPTER) pt. 5/6
OH. MY. GOD. Guys, we're almost done!!! 1 more part, and voila! :DDDDDD I'm so fricking happy right now XDDD This is soo much like a personal achievement to me, that it's gonna be wonderful when it's done T^T. I can't wait :DD
But until then, I leave you lovely ladies (and gents?) with part 5/6 of chapter 6. It's a happy part I promise XDD So next time we meet is by the 25th when I'll be posting THE ENTIRE EDITED VERSION of chapter 6 including the last part + the epilogue. Please leave your lovely comments, it helps me so much XDD
- “Eomma?”
She turned her head, smiling softly at me and said, “Hey baby. How did you sleep?”
Maybe she was aware of my presence this whole time.
I smiled back at her and assured her that I slept well. She nodded before mentioning my bandage needing changing. I had completely forgotten about that so I went ahead and asked Eomma to do it for me. She agreed and a few minutes I found myself sitting on the bathroom sink as my mother carefully wrapped a clean cloth bandage around my head. Her gentle actions were soothing to my nerves and I felt calm again. We finished fixing my bandage and went back to the living room.
I knew as we sat once again on the sofa that now was the best time if never to speak to my mother about what I discussed with Changmin the night before. So I closed my eyes, gathered my courage and prayed silently that this wouldn’t be too hard on both of us.
Appa, please help me be strong.
I waited for Eomma to place the steaming cup of tea she had fetched for me in the kitchen on the wooden coffee table before us to speak. I gathered her hand in mine, thus pulling her attention to me, and sighed softly before saying, “Eomma. I think we need to talk”.
Her eyes meet mine and I could see a world of emotions in them. I admired her seemingly calm and composed attitude in all of this hellish stuff going on. I knew that she was suffering as much as me, but the fact that she hid it so well made me love her all the more. I could truly say that I never met, and probably will never meet someone as strong as my mother.
I tried to be strong like her so I went ahead and said what was on my mind.
“About what we were talking of yesterday, I thought about it,” I paused for a second, knowing that this next part would be hard to say. I knew Eomma knew exactly what I was talking about and I could feel her intense look upon my face. I felt the hope she held that I would agree to press charges against Yunho for what he did and my heart broke knowing that I would hurt her.
“I can’t. I’m sorry.”
I heard my mother’s quick intake of breath and I didn’t dare look up. A heavy pregnant silence hung in the space between and I suddenly felt like crying. But now was not the time I told myself, so I waited patiently.
There was another shaky intake of breath before she quietly whispered, “Why?”
I shifted my gaze and looked at her. For once in a long time, I wanted to be completely frank and honest with her. After all that’s happened, Eomma deserved at least most of the truth.
“First of all,” I started slowly as I kept my gaze on her, “I don’t hate Yunho for what he did”.
Eomma’s eyes widen in surprise at my confession and I quickly continued before she got over her shock and asked questions.
“I don’t hate him for what he did because he was my friend before. He was a good friend for a long time and I don’t believe months of friendship can disappear just like that,” I snapped my fingers to prove my point. My mother looked at me for a minute before nodding slowly, indicating for me to continue. I swallowed somewhat nervously and looked down.
“Though I-I don’t know if I could ever forgive him for what he did,” I paused, my heart beating painfully in my chest, “I know that I could never truly hate him”.
The strong pounding of my heartbeat almost caused me physical pain with its force. I wanted to grasp the spot on my chest right above my heart with my hand and hold it to keep it from falling apart. I just wanted to cry my hurt away. How could I lie like that to my mother again? Hadn’t I promised to tell her the truth? But could I have told her the truth about what I just said?
By the way Eomma, I actually do forgive Yunho for beating and raping me because I love him so fucking much and it’s hurt every time I realize that’s he isn’t coming back because of this. I could never hate him and I’m gonna miss him so damn much.
I briefly closed my eyes and attempted to calm my breathing. I discreetly blinked away my tears and glanced back to Eomma. Her head was slightly bowed and she seemed deeply in thought. I cleared my throat gently and her eyes met mine again.
“Also Eomma,” I said softly, “I’m afraid of what the media would do to your and Yunho’s careers if such a scandal came out. Both of you are very well known inside Korea, so the tabloids would have a real blast with a story like this”.
- “But honey,” she replied quickly, “I care about you more then I’ll ever will about my job. It doesn’t matter if I’ll have some trouble. So far I’ve been able to keep the entire media buzz about our divorce to a minimum”. She reached forward and hugged me gently. I felt safe and warm inside her embrace and I just wanted to stay like that for a while.
“But Eomma,” I almost whispered, “what about when they’ll find out and start digging into our private lives”. I slowly pushed out of her hug and looked at her. “I don’t want to live my everyday life knowing that every person in South Korea possibly knows about what happened between me and Yunho. I don’t want them to look down on me and you because of it”.
- “Jae-ah,” Eomma cupped my cheek in her warm palm and I couldn’t help but lean into it, “I’ll protect you from that baby. I promised no one will ever harass you about it…”
I quickly stopped her from going any further with a wave of my hand and explained, “I can’t let you do that Eomma. You suffered enough already in all of this and I don’t want to see you hurt anymore”.
Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears and it hurt me to see that. I could feel her struggling with what was right to do and I almost held my breath hoping for the best.
“Ok Jaejoong-ah. If this is what you think is the best at least for now, then we won’t press charges”.
Relief flooded through me and I leaned forward to quickly whisper a thank you to my mother’s ear, followed by giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I knew this issue was terribly hard for her to let go, but I was truly grateful for it. Though now came the hardest part. I knew I had to ask Eomma about attending school in Seoul and I wasn’t completely certain of her response. I would just hope for the best.
“Hey Eomma, can I ask you something?”
She glanced at me curiously, “Yeah, what is it?”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat and gathered my courage before saying calmly, “I want to attend school in Seoul”.
My mother gave me a surprised look and a wave of unease overcame me. I fidgeted in my seat and I understood that that feeling came from the truth I had to tell her. Could I really say that I needed to get away from here because of the bad memories of the rape? Could I really say that I feel like I might break down if I stay here too long?
Can I really say that I’m afraid of going insane due to the memories?
I knew I wanted to redo my life to make me a stronger and more independent person and if I stayed here with my overprotective mother, I might not achieve that. But could I tell her that?
“Well,” I started with a barely contained hint of nervousness in my voice, “I’m really bored of the school here. The classes are much too easy and the atmosphere is unpleasant”.
- “Really?” Eomma asked.
- “Yeah, it’s been like that for a while now…”
I paused and took a slow breath before continuing, “Plus the school I want to attend in Seoul is the same school that Changmin goes to”.
- “A private boys’ school, right?” I nodded. Eomma in turn nodded her head and seemed to thinking of something before asking, “But Jae, would you be comfortable going to an all-boys school like that after…” she paused, her eyes pained, “after what happened?”
The question was like a painful jab to my heart and I wanted so badly to cry again. But I wouldn’t. I needed to be strong for this to work. So I held back my tears and replied, “Yes”.
My mother nodded again and after a moment of silence, she told to me tell her more about this school. So I went on to tell her about the entrance exam in a few weeks’ time. I explained how Min had offered to ask his parents to let me live with them for the school year if I was accepted into the school and I said how I thought this would be a great learning experience for me. Eomma patiently listened all the while and when I was done, she sat there pondering.
I hope this works.
I almost wanted to cross my fingers for good luck but I didn’t. I instead patiently waited for Eomma to speak.
She finally lifted her head after a while and looked at me, causing me to almost hold my breath in anticipation.
“I think,” she said softly with a gentle grasp of my hand, “this might be a good thing for you, baby”. I sighed a mental sigh of relief, happy that she was for the idea.
“I think that with everything that’s happened with Yunho,” Eomma continued, “maybe getting you away from here from sometime would be good for your recovery”.
Eomma leant forward and cupped my cheek again. “I would absolutely hate having away from me for so long,” she paused again, “but if this is what you think you need to do, that I won’t be the one to stop you”.
I was so happy I couldn’t help but leap forward and wrap my mother in a warm hug once again.
“Thank you Eomma! Thank you, thank you and thank you! I love you.”
She laughed at my enthusiasm and patted my hair to try and calm me. Once the excitement passed, Eomma told that we needed to take things slowly at first and not anticipate too much ahead of time. Understanding that she simply didn’t want me to over anticipate things and get disappointed in the end, I took her words to heart and calmed myself. I then turned and told her that I would go check if Changmin was awake. She nodded and I left the living room to head upstairs.
But just as I turned around the corner to head up the staircase, I spotted my dongsaeng sitting on the stairs. I knew instantly he had heard my conversation with my mother and by the look of joy that lit up his face as he looked me, I could tell he already knew the good news. So when he jumped in my arms, bouncing up and down in glee while saying things like “don’t worry hyung, I’ll help you study for the exam. I’ll make sure you pass and I’m gonna beg my parents to let you stay with us but I’m sure they’ll say yes,” I realized this was a turning point in my young life.
This is the time for me to become a better me. I’ll forget about Yunho and move on. I’ll make myself a new life and I will be happy again. I swear I will.
But until then, I leave you lovely ladies (and gents?) with part 5/6 of chapter 6. It's a happy part I promise XDD So next time we meet is by the 25th when I'll be posting THE ENTIRE EDITED VERSION of chapter 6 including the last part + the epilogue. Please leave your lovely comments, it helps me so much XDD
- “Eomma?”
She turned her head, smiling softly at me and said, “Hey baby. How did you sleep?”
Maybe she was aware of my presence this whole time.
I smiled back at her and assured her that I slept well. She nodded before mentioning my bandage needing changing. I had completely forgotten about that so I went ahead and asked Eomma to do it for me. She agreed and a few minutes I found myself sitting on the bathroom sink as my mother carefully wrapped a clean cloth bandage around my head. Her gentle actions were soothing to my nerves and I felt calm again. We finished fixing my bandage and went back to the living room.
I knew as we sat once again on the sofa that now was the best time if never to speak to my mother about what I discussed with Changmin the night before. So I closed my eyes, gathered my courage and prayed silently that this wouldn’t be too hard on both of us.
Appa, please help me be strong.
I waited for Eomma to place the steaming cup of tea she had fetched for me in the kitchen on the wooden coffee table before us to speak. I gathered her hand in mine, thus pulling her attention to me, and sighed softly before saying, “Eomma. I think we need to talk”.
Her eyes meet mine and I could see a world of emotions in them. I admired her seemingly calm and composed attitude in all of this hellish stuff going on. I knew that she was suffering as much as me, but the fact that she hid it so well made me love her all the more. I could truly say that I never met, and probably will never meet someone as strong as my mother.
I tried to be strong like her so I went ahead and said what was on my mind.
“About what we were talking of yesterday, I thought about it,” I paused for a second, knowing that this next part would be hard to say. I knew Eomma knew exactly what I was talking about and I could feel her intense look upon my face. I felt the hope she held that I would agree to press charges against Yunho for what he did and my heart broke knowing that I would hurt her.
“I can’t. I’m sorry.”
I heard my mother’s quick intake of breath and I didn’t dare look up. A heavy pregnant silence hung in the space between and I suddenly felt like crying. But now was not the time I told myself, so I waited patiently.
There was another shaky intake of breath before she quietly whispered, “Why?”
I shifted my gaze and looked at her. For once in a long time, I wanted to be completely frank and honest with her. After all that’s happened, Eomma deserved at least most of the truth.
“First of all,” I started slowly as I kept my gaze on her, “I don’t hate Yunho for what he did”.
Eomma’s eyes widen in surprise at my confession and I quickly continued before she got over her shock and asked questions.
“I don’t hate him for what he did because he was my friend before. He was a good friend for a long time and I don’t believe months of friendship can disappear just like that,” I snapped my fingers to prove my point. My mother looked at me for a minute before nodding slowly, indicating for me to continue. I swallowed somewhat nervously and looked down.
“Though I-I don’t know if I could ever forgive him for what he did,” I paused, my heart beating painfully in my chest, “I know that I could never truly hate him”.
The strong pounding of my heartbeat almost caused me physical pain with its force. I wanted to grasp the spot on my chest right above my heart with my hand and hold it to keep it from falling apart. I just wanted to cry my hurt away. How could I lie like that to my mother again? Hadn’t I promised to tell her the truth? But could I have told her the truth about what I just said?
By the way Eomma, I actually do forgive Yunho for beating and raping me because I love him so fucking much and it’s hurt every time I realize that’s he isn’t coming back because of this. I could never hate him and I’m gonna miss him so damn much.
I briefly closed my eyes and attempted to calm my breathing. I discreetly blinked away my tears and glanced back to Eomma. Her head was slightly bowed and she seemed deeply in thought. I cleared my throat gently and her eyes met mine again.
“Also Eomma,” I said softly, “I’m afraid of what the media would do to your and Yunho’s careers if such a scandal came out. Both of you are very well known inside Korea, so the tabloids would have a real blast with a story like this”.
- “But honey,” she replied quickly, “I care about you more then I’ll ever will about my job. It doesn’t matter if I’ll have some trouble. So far I’ve been able to keep the entire media buzz about our divorce to a minimum”. She reached forward and hugged me gently. I felt safe and warm inside her embrace and I just wanted to stay like that for a while.
“But Eomma,” I almost whispered, “what about when they’ll find out and start digging into our private lives”. I slowly pushed out of her hug and looked at her. “I don’t want to live my everyday life knowing that every person in South Korea possibly knows about what happened between me and Yunho. I don’t want them to look down on me and you because of it”.
- “Jae-ah,” Eomma cupped my cheek in her warm palm and I couldn’t help but lean into it, “I’ll protect you from that baby. I promised no one will ever harass you about it…”
I quickly stopped her from going any further with a wave of my hand and explained, “I can’t let you do that Eomma. You suffered enough already in all of this and I don’t want to see you hurt anymore”.
Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears and it hurt me to see that. I could feel her struggling with what was right to do and I almost held my breath hoping for the best.
“Ok Jaejoong-ah. If this is what you think is the best at least for now, then we won’t press charges”.
Relief flooded through me and I leaned forward to quickly whisper a thank you to my mother’s ear, followed by giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I knew this issue was terribly hard for her to let go, but I was truly grateful for it. Though now came the hardest part. I knew I had to ask Eomma about attending school in Seoul and I wasn’t completely certain of her response. I would just hope for the best.
“Hey Eomma, can I ask you something?”
She glanced at me curiously, “Yeah, what is it?”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat and gathered my courage before saying calmly, “I want to attend school in Seoul”.
My mother gave me a surprised look and a wave of unease overcame me. I fidgeted in my seat and I understood that that feeling came from the truth I had to tell her. Could I really say that I needed to get away from here because of the bad memories of the rape? Could I really say that I feel like I might break down if I stay here too long?
Can I really say that I’m afraid of going insane due to the memories?
I knew I wanted to redo my life to make me a stronger and more independent person and if I stayed here with my overprotective mother, I might not achieve that. But could I tell her that?
“Well,” I started with a barely contained hint of nervousness in my voice, “I’m really bored of the school here. The classes are much too easy and the atmosphere is unpleasant”.
- “Really?” Eomma asked.
- “Yeah, it’s been like that for a while now…”
I paused and took a slow breath before continuing, “Plus the school I want to attend in Seoul is the same school that Changmin goes to”.
- “A private boys’ school, right?” I nodded. Eomma in turn nodded her head and seemed to thinking of something before asking, “But Jae, would you be comfortable going to an all-boys school like that after…” she paused, her eyes pained, “after what happened?”
The question was like a painful jab to my heart and I wanted so badly to cry again. But I wouldn’t. I needed to be strong for this to work. So I held back my tears and replied, “Yes”.
My mother nodded again and after a moment of silence, she told to me tell her more about this school. So I went on to tell her about the entrance exam in a few weeks’ time. I explained how Min had offered to ask his parents to let me live with them for the school year if I was accepted into the school and I said how I thought this would be a great learning experience for me. Eomma patiently listened all the while and when I was done, she sat there pondering.
I hope this works.
I almost wanted to cross my fingers for good luck but I didn’t. I instead patiently waited for Eomma to speak.
She finally lifted her head after a while and looked at me, causing me to almost hold my breath in anticipation.
“I think,” she said softly with a gentle grasp of my hand, “this might be a good thing for you, baby”. I sighed a mental sigh of relief, happy that she was for the idea.
“I think that with everything that’s happened with Yunho,” Eomma continued, “maybe getting you away from here from sometime would be good for your recovery”.
Eomma leant forward and cupped my cheek again. “I would absolutely hate having away from me for so long,” she paused again, “but if this is what you think you need to do, that I won’t be the one to stop you”.
I was so happy I couldn’t help but leap forward and wrap my mother in a warm hug once again.
“Thank you Eomma! Thank you, thank you and thank you! I love you.”
She laughed at my enthusiasm and patted my hair to try and calm me. Once the excitement passed, Eomma told that we needed to take things slowly at first and not anticipate too much ahead of time. Understanding that she simply didn’t want me to over anticipate things and get disappointed in the end, I took her words to heart and calmed myself. I then turned and told her that I would go check if Changmin was awake. She nodded and I left the living room to head upstairs.
But just as I turned around the corner to head up the staircase, I spotted my dongsaeng sitting on the stairs. I knew instantly he had heard my conversation with my mother and by the look of joy that lit up his face as he looked me, I could tell he already knew the good news. So when he jumped in my arms, bouncing up and down in glee while saying things like “don’t worry hyung, I’ll help you study for the exam. I’ll make sure you pass and I’m gonna beg my parents to let you stay with us but I’m sure they’ll say yes,” I realized this was a turning point in my young life.
This is the time for me to become a better me. I’ll forget about Yunho and move on. I’ll make myself a new life and I will be happy again. I swear I will.