Chaos Unlimited: Chapter Six
Chapter Six: Never give a Klingon dogs - By Esther
"Tidal wave?" Duncan muttered "hmm. Someone is trying to drown us, Richie. Well it won't work! Damn those watchers."
The Doctor turned in his chair "uh, Duncan Macleod... of the uh… clan Macleod, I do hate to spoil your fun, and I really don't know who this watcher person is, but uh, well we caused this tidal wave"
Riker yelled "Red Alert"
Bridger Said "I am in the captains chair, I'll give the orders around here!"
"But I always say red alert on the Enterprise, and Captain Picard calls me 'number one' and once he even offered me a cup of earl gray tea." Riker popped his thumb in his mouth " I miss the Enterprise" He realized that Nurse Chapel was looking at him, so he regained his composure with his 'Oh My- God- There's-a -Babe-Looking-At-Me' pose.
Bridger looked at the Doctor "We didn't cause that tidal wave. Who told you that nonsense, anyway?
"Darwin did, and everyone knows that he knows everything there is to know"
"Yeah, right how in the hell do you think he could possibly know everything? He's only 5."
"Darwin."
"Yes Tom?" The doctor smiled "What's 42356 divided by 897?”
Darwin immediately replied "47.21620959"
"Wow!" Bridger said, amazed "he makes a better computer than
Lucas!"
"I resent that!" Nurse Chapel exclaimed
"Will you hush up? Everyone will find out!" Riker yelled, then struck the 'My-Chest-Is-Manlier-Than-Yours' pose.
"Alright!" Bridger yelled he leaned over to the Doctor and whispered 'I love this power trip!' "Darwin! How did we cause this disaster?" "When we used the Air brakes" Darwin replied happily
"Don't you mean water brakes? Oh never mind! How then, oh wise counselor, do we stop it?"
"That is for me to know and for you to find out, besides if I just told you, this would be one short story now wouldn't it?"
Richie reached into his portal pocket and pulled out a surf board "Hey if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! " Everyone wondered where he kept his light saber when he was surfing nobody was willing to guess because they were afraid they'd be right.
MEANWHILE: Back in Ardala's quarters no, wait, she already left her quarters, and is floating as fast as her little cloud could float down the hall way "Ardalla! Ardalla! Wait up! (Pant, pant) There you are!"
Ardalla hurried into sick bay, looked around, and yelled Nurse! Doctor! Then called the bridge with one of the walkie-talkies on the counter "Hello? Is anybody there?"
"Hey!" Cat answered "What's happenin'?”
"Help me! Someone passed out, well actually it's my pet pig He
needs help"
"Well what do you want me to do about it? Kiss it? I don't think so! I might mess up my hair! Yo Nurse, why don't you go?"
Well , I never! You are speaking to the 'Daughter of the 5th asylum, holder of the sacred mood rings of Betazed, and balancer of the holy chalice of reeks!"
"And boy does it reek!" Riker said too loudly and it got him hurled across the room by a look from Nurse Chapel. He stood up and regained his composure with the 'I-Have-Hair-On-My-Chin-and-You-Don't' pose.
"You shut up! I'm in heat' and oh yes! I like older men, don't IT' Riker and the Doctor were inching towards the door. Bridger desperately wanted to, and even squirmed a little, but was stuck fast to his chair because of the super 3000 he unwittingly put there. So he tried to convince himself that he was NOT afraid of one woman, until he got a look at her eyes, then he screamed in terror.
Suddenly Nurse Chapel looked around, then down at her dress and said "Oh boy I'm A woman! Al!" then, "huh?"
Nurse Chapel turned and hopped on the Mag-Lift™. Bridger looked at the Doctor. "Boy do I feel sorry for her!"
"Why?" asked the Doctor "because she's in heat? Shouldn't you feel sorry for yourself?"
"No, no, no! She's gonna be watching "War and Peace" or something, and she won't be going anywhere until she gets at least twenty pieces of toast shoved down her throat."
Meanwhile back on the Mag-Lift™, Nurse Chapel was getting worried, because it was offering her toast, and threatening to make her sit through "War and Peace", ten episodes of "Different strokes", and listen to Kenny G the whole time.
"Fine, Fine" Nurse Chapel screamed. "Give me three pieces of jelly
toast! "
She turned, and started talking to thin air. "So, what am I here for?- sick bay? Where's that? -O.K. Computer, take me to sick bay."
An evil chuckle was heard over the speakers. "I lied, I said I'd let you leave if you had toast, but you still have to watch reruns of "Different Strokes."
"Oh God No! please! Anything but that! I'll take 'War and Peace,' even '2001 a Space, Odyssey."'
"I knew you'd take that view, but, na! You still GET the reruns of 'Different Strokes,' but thank you anyway, I DO love a good grovel!"
Three hours later, Nurse Chapel stepped out of the Mag-Lift™, looking a bit bedraggled, and sick, with jelly smeared on her dress. She stumbled into sickbay. "O.K., what do I do?-hot tea? but,--but won't it burn him?-well, O.K."
Ardalla was in sickbay with her pig. Nurse Chapel picked up a cup of hot tea, poured it over the pig, and poof! A high school aged Japanese guy appeared. He was very anatomically correct- Ardalla noted that fact because he wasn't wearing anything except a bandanna around his head. He whipped it off and covered himself with it. Incidentally, there was still one around his head.
Ardalla recovered from panting heavily, screamed and ran from the room so fast that her cloud was left behind and it was left chasing her down the hall. Suddenly she stopped. "Wait, what am I doing? Where's my camera?"
Just then she ran into Buck Rogers (who had left the bridge due to boredom). "Hey honey buns, whatcha doin'? How about dinner?"
She rolled her eyes "Oh you silly boy! Don't you know anything? I'm supposed to be chasing you, and frankly, right now I'm just not in the mood-headache, you know.
"Who are you calling silly? And you use that excuse every time, you have to come up with something new like…I don't know… like 'I was playing air hockey, and I was going for the puck, when all of the sudden the machine malfunctioned and started sucking air instead of blowing it, and I got sucked on to the board and down the hole, and frankly I'm just not up to it just now, how about in the next century?"'
"Yeah, that sounds right."
"You mean you really got sucked down an air hockey machine? Wow, I just made that up!"
"No! I meant in the next century "
"Oh" Buck Rogers turned, looking a little confused and depressed at the same time. He skulked away, feeling more and more depressed by the moment. He secretly wondered if there was a twelve-inch knife anywhere within reach.
"Now what was I doing? Oh yes, my camera" Ardalla whistled for her cloud who was cowering in a corner.
By the time Ardalla returned to sickbay, it was too late. The teenager was fully clothed and talking to Nurse Chapel, who incidentally was not acting like herself.
She turned just then, and said "Oh Al I'm glad you're here! Why haven't I leaped?- Engineering?- O.K. only this time, I'll walk. That toast in the balls hurt."
Two hours later, Nurse Chapel walked into Engineering, panting. "O.K., Al which one?" Nurse Chapel walked up to Data "Hello, I'm Christine Chapel-Nurse of the USS Enterprise-1701." Suddenly she turned and said "How did I get here OOOh who are you, and why does it look like you are balancing your head on your shoulders?"
"I am Lieutenant Commander Data-USS Enterprise 1701-D, a race for the lieutenant-commander's chair. It's a ,long story. Don't ask!"
"And YES He's fully functional, or so I've heard, of course." Creighton interjected.
"Oh REALLY? " Nurse Chapel looked him up and down than pulled him into the nearest closet.
Creighton didn't mean to eaves drop, but he just couldn't help but overhear what was coming from the closet
"I am an android I do not have ...uh...uh...uh...uh what was I saying?" He said in a voice an octave higher.
"Oh nothing dear, just sit back and ... oh my now your head is in your hands. You mean it's not attached? Not that one, that one! Oh wow they both come off does it just snap back on or what? Oh that's handy!"
Creighton raised his neck as high as it would go "Well I never!" A voice echoing out from nowhere said, "Maybe if you had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight."
MEANWHILE back at the ranch -sorry I had to do it!- or on the
bridge.
Duncan looked at Richie "Wow that was close. She almost attacked
us all!"
"Well I don't have to worry I'm just a car. She doesn't go for that kind of kinky stuff ...... does she?" Kitt worried as he pictured just what his gear shift could be used for.
"Well it all depends on your age" Richie said "I mean you're intelligent, good looking, I mean to her there isn't much left besides that! But for Mac and me it doesn't really matter. I'll always look 21, and Mac here will always look 30!"
Duncan shot Richie a glance and then blew the smoke away from his gun. Richie, recovering quickly from the wound, stood up and belched repeatedly. "Getting shot always gives me gas."
Darwin looked them both up and down "Yes but in actuality Richie you're three hundred and forty three- well past twenty one years. And Duncan- you're really seven hundred and seventy two-well that goes with out saying."
Duncan turned red in the face "Shut up you little squirt!" He picked him up and threw him into the pool of water on the bridge. Darwin swam away, his clothes still wrapped tightly around his sleek, water-tight body..
Apollo looked at Starbuck "Well we're safe were both under
forty."
"So you say," Richie eyed him. "I thought I felt a bit of indigestion- I thought it was just one of those drinks Quark gave me, but I only feel it around you !"
Apollo looked at Starbuck “?”
Just then the same Saturday morning cartoon music began playing again. Only this time it was like a walkman with half dead batteries. Iiiiiiits time foooooooooor Animaaaaaaaaaaaaniacs etc. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot limped by. Wakko turned and said in a cockney accent "My bottom hurts" then turned and limped away.
Just then Bridger screamed "Aaaaauuuuugggghhhhh" Everybody jumped so high that the SeaQuest involuntarily rocked. Bridger was moving his mouth and pointing to the view screen. There directly in front was the Tidal wave and it was gaining speed.
Just then Darwin was swimming by one of one of the portals. Quark looked up at it. It shattered and Darwin came crashing out.
"Say, this water! I wonder what kind of drink it might make!" Quark said to the dolphin writhing on the ground.
Chapter Seven
"Tidal wave?" Duncan muttered "hmm. Someone is trying to drown us, Richie. Well it won't work! Damn those watchers."
The Doctor turned in his chair "uh, Duncan Macleod... of the uh… clan Macleod, I do hate to spoil your fun, and I really don't know who this watcher person is, but uh, well we caused this tidal wave"
Riker yelled "Red Alert"
Bridger Said "I am in the captains chair, I'll give the orders around here!"
"But I always say red alert on the Enterprise, and Captain Picard calls me 'number one' and once he even offered me a cup of earl gray tea." Riker popped his thumb in his mouth " I miss the Enterprise" He realized that Nurse Chapel was looking at him, so he regained his composure with his 'Oh My- God- There's-a -Babe-Looking-At-Me' pose.
Bridger looked at the Doctor "We didn't cause that tidal wave. Who told you that nonsense, anyway?
"Darwin did, and everyone knows that he knows everything there is to know"
"Yeah, right how in the hell do you think he could possibly know everything? He's only 5."
"Darwin."
"Yes Tom?" The doctor smiled "What's 42356 divided by 897?”
Darwin immediately replied "47.21620959"
"Wow!" Bridger said, amazed "he makes a better computer than
Lucas!"
"I resent that!" Nurse Chapel exclaimed
"Will you hush up? Everyone will find out!" Riker yelled, then struck the 'My-Chest-Is-Manlier-Than-Yours' pose.
"Alright!" Bridger yelled he leaned over to the Doctor and whispered 'I love this power trip!' "Darwin! How did we cause this disaster?" "When we used the Air brakes" Darwin replied happily
"Don't you mean water brakes? Oh never mind! How then, oh wise counselor, do we stop it?"
"That is for me to know and for you to find out, besides if I just told you, this would be one short story now wouldn't it?"
Richie reached into his portal pocket and pulled out a surf board "Hey if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! " Everyone wondered where he kept his light saber when he was surfing nobody was willing to guess because they were afraid they'd be right.
MEANWHILE: Back in Ardala's quarters no, wait, she already left her quarters, and is floating as fast as her little cloud could float down the hall way "Ardalla! Ardalla! Wait up! (Pant, pant) There you are!"
Ardalla hurried into sick bay, looked around, and yelled Nurse! Doctor! Then called the bridge with one of the walkie-talkies on the counter "Hello? Is anybody there?"
"Hey!" Cat answered "What's happenin'?”
"Help me! Someone passed out, well actually it's my pet pig He
needs help"
"Well what do you want me to do about it? Kiss it? I don't think so! I might mess up my hair! Yo Nurse, why don't you go?"
Well , I never! You are speaking to the 'Daughter of the 5th asylum, holder of the sacred mood rings of Betazed, and balancer of the holy chalice of reeks!"
"And boy does it reek!" Riker said too loudly and it got him hurled across the room by a look from Nurse Chapel. He stood up and regained his composure with the 'I-Have-Hair-On-My-Chin-and-You-Don't' pose.
"You shut up! I'm in heat' and oh yes! I like older men, don't IT' Riker and the Doctor were inching towards the door. Bridger desperately wanted to, and even squirmed a little, but was stuck fast to his chair because of the super 3000 he unwittingly put there. So he tried to convince himself that he was NOT afraid of one woman, until he got a look at her eyes, then he screamed in terror.
Suddenly Nurse Chapel looked around, then down at her dress and said "Oh boy I'm A woman! Al!" then, "huh?"
Nurse Chapel turned and hopped on the Mag-Lift™. Bridger looked at the Doctor. "Boy do I feel sorry for her!"
"Why?" asked the Doctor "because she's in heat? Shouldn't you feel sorry for yourself?"
"No, no, no! She's gonna be watching "War and Peace" or something, and she won't be going anywhere until she gets at least twenty pieces of toast shoved down her throat."
Meanwhile back on the Mag-Lift™, Nurse Chapel was getting worried, because it was offering her toast, and threatening to make her sit through "War and Peace", ten episodes of "Different strokes", and listen to Kenny G the whole time.
"Fine, Fine" Nurse Chapel screamed. "Give me three pieces of jelly
toast! "
She turned, and started talking to thin air. "So, what am I here for?- sick bay? Where's that? -O.K. Computer, take me to sick bay."
An evil chuckle was heard over the speakers. "I lied, I said I'd let you leave if you had toast, but you still have to watch reruns of "Different Strokes."
"Oh God No! please! Anything but that! I'll take 'War and Peace,' even '2001 a Space, Odyssey."'
"I knew you'd take that view, but, na! You still GET the reruns of 'Different Strokes,' but thank you anyway, I DO love a good grovel!"
Three hours later, Nurse Chapel stepped out of the Mag-Lift™, looking a bit bedraggled, and sick, with jelly smeared on her dress. She stumbled into sickbay. "O.K., what do I do?-hot tea? but,--but won't it burn him?-well, O.K."
Ardalla was in sickbay with her pig. Nurse Chapel picked up a cup of hot tea, poured it over the pig, and poof! A high school aged Japanese guy appeared. He was very anatomically correct- Ardalla noted that fact because he wasn't wearing anything except a bandanna around his head. He whipped it off and covered himself with it. Incidentally, there was still one around his head.
Ardalla recovered from panting heavily, screamed and ran from the room so fast that her cloud was left behind and it was left chasing her down the hall. Suddenly she stopped. "Wait, what am I doing? Where's my camera?"
Just then she ran into Buck Rogers (who had left the bridge due to boredom). "Hey honey buns, whatcha doin'? How about dinner?"
She rolled her eyes "Oh you silly boy! Don't you know anything? I'm supposed to be chasing you, and frankly, right now I'm just not in the mood-headache, you know.
"Who are you calling silly? And you use that excuse every time, you have to come up with something new like…I don't know… like 'I was playing air hockey, and I was going for the puck, when all of the sudden the machine malfunctioned and started sucking air instead of blowing it, and I got sucked on to the board and down the hole, and frankly I'm just not up to it just now, how about in the next century?"'
"Yeah, that sounds right."
"You mean you really got sucked down an air hockey machine? Wow, I just made that up!"
"No! I meant in the next century "
"Oh" Buck Rogers turned, looking a little confused and depressed at the same time. He skulked away, feeling more and more depressed by the moment. He secretly wondered if there was a twelve-inch knife anywhere within reach.
"Now what was I doing? Oh yes, my camera" Ardalla whistled for her cloud who was cowering in a corner.
By the time Ardalla returned to sickbay, it was too late. The teenager was fully clothed and talking to Nurse Chapel, who incidentally was not acting like herself.
She turned just then, and said "Oh Al I'm glad you're here! Why haven't I leaped?- Engineering?- O.K. only this time, I'll walk. That toast in the balls hurt."
Two hours later, Nurse Chapel walked into Engineering, panting. "O.K., Al which one?" Nurse Chapel walked up to Data "Hello, I'm Christine Chapel-Nurse of the USS Enterprise-1701." Suddenly she turned and said "How did I get here OOOh who are you, and why does it look like you are balancing your head on your shoulders?"
"I am Lieutenant Commander Data-USS Enterprise 1701-D, a race for the lieutenant-commander's chair. It's a ,long story. Don't ask!"
"And YES He's fully functional, or so I've heard, of course." Creighton interjected.
"Oh REALLY? " Nurse Chapel looked him up and down than pulled him into the nearest closet.
Creighton didn't mean to eaves drop, but he just couldn't help but overhear what was coming from the closet
"I am an android I do not have ...uh...uh...uh...uh what was I saying?" He said in a voice an octave higher.
"Oh nothing dear, just sit back and ... oh my now your head is in your hands. You mean it's not attached? Not that one, that one! Oh wow they both come off does it just snap back on or what? Oh that's handy!"
Creighton raised his neck as high as it would go "Well I never!" A voice echoing out from nowhere said, "Maybe if you had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight."
MEANWHILE back at the ranch -sorry I had to do it!- or on the
bridge.
Duncan looked at Richie "Wow that was close. She almost attacked
us all!"
"Well I don't have to worry I'm just a car. She doesn't go for that kind of kinky stuff ...... does she?" Kitt worried as he pictured just what his gear shift could be used for.
"Well it all depends on your age" Richie said "I mean you're intelligent, good looking, I mean to her there isn't much left besides that! But for Mac and me it doesn't really matter. I'll always look 21, and Mac here will always look 30!"
Duncan shot Richie a glance and then blew the smoke away from his gun. Richie, recovering quickly from the wound, stood up and belched repeatedly. "Getting shot always gives me gas."
Darwin looked them both up and down "Yes but in actuality Richie you're three hundred and forty three- well past twenty one years. And Duncan- you're really seven hundred and seventy two-well that goes with out saying."
Duncan turned red in the face "Shut up you little squirt!" He picked him up and threw him into the pool of water on the bridge. Darwin swam away, his clothes still wrapped tightly around his sleek, water-tight body..
Apollo looked at Starbuck "Well we're safe were both under
forty."
"So you say," Richie eyed him. "I thought I felt a bit of indigestion- I thought it was just one of those drinks Quark gave me, but I only feel it around you !"
Apollo looked at Starbuck “?”
Just then the same Saturday morning cartoon music began playing again. Only this time it was like a walkman with half dead batteries. Iiiiiiits time foooooooooor Animaaaaaaaaaaaaniacs etc. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot limped by. Wakko turned and said in a cockney accent "My bottom hurts" then turned and limped away.
Just then Bridger screamed "Aaaaauuuuugggghhhhh" Everybody jumped so high that the SeaQuest involuntarily rocked. Bridger was moving his mouth and pointing to the view screen. There directly in front was the Tidal wave and it was gaining speed.
Just then Darwin was swimming by one of one of the portals. Quark looked up at it. It shattered and Darwin came crashing out.
"Say, this water! I wonder what kind of drink it might make!" Quark said to the dolphin writhing on the ground.
Chapter Seven