Everyone is growing up...
And I'm just standing still.
More marriages. More babies.
We're no closer to either. I thought we had it all sorted out in March. I thought we were on a path, but then it all came crashing down in August. He'd gone back, he was rethinking, he still had doubts. We were back at zero.
I nearly ended things then. I nearly asked him not to come on our trip to Minnesota and Colorado. But we talked, he made plans to get help, and I went back to trying to be patient. It's 2.5 months later and I'm still waiting for any progress.
I was just musing about where we could go or what we'd do for our fourth anniversary this November, but stopped looking after the depression set in. Why go somewhere romantic? It only leads to thoughts of proposals that won't happen. He's never going to marry me. We'll never have a family.
I missed a chance to apply for a manager position too. I let my laziness get in the way. I should've pushed for that. I'm qualified, it'd pay more and it'd give me an out if we broke up.
I don't want to be apart from him. We have something special. I think we understand each other in a very deep and special way, which is precious to find. I love the life I've built with him... but it's not enough for me. I don't like people constantly referring to my husband or to me as his wife accidentally because they just assume. And why shouldn't they? We definitely come off that way. I want that commitment though.
Four years. That's significant. It also makes me so frustrated because after 1 year I told him I didn't want to wait 3-4 years for a proposal. Yet, here I am. Exactly where I said I didn't want to be. I let that happen to me in my last relationship too. I just wait and hope and try to apply pressure, but really I just need to set my personal limits and actually leave when I say I will.
I told him I'm moving apart in the spring if nothing has changed by then ... I wonder if I'll stick to that.
Last night we were discussing traveling the country. I realized our adventures this year have added a few states to my count. I'm now up to 41 out of 50 states. He immediately said, "We need to get you to 50!" ... 'We.' Yes, I want that too. But will you be there for that milestone?
While we were in New Orleans last weekend, I got to talk to two of our mutual friends. I suppose I assumed, but it was comforting to hear Jeanie had talked to him at the beginning of the year trying to give him advice. They both want us to be together.
I feel so helpless and without control. I can't control this. Lord knows I've tried.
I don't like the feeling of treading water. I worry I'm wasting time. There's only so much time on this planet. Am I doing everything I want to do on this trip? Will I get to see most of what I want to see? Feel most of what I want to feel?
I want him to be my adventure buddy ... I guess time will tell.