It's 3am I must be... lonely isn't the right word.
Well, I'm about to do my spiel for the year, but I'll be putting it behind a cut so you won't have to read it without becoming morally culpable in the process...
It's dawned on me in the last couple of days that I'm not really as close to my family as I may have originally lead myself to believe. Upshot of which the concept for becoming totally apostate and tergiversating myself to the other side of the world becomes endlessly simpler. Especially now that I've seen you again Elle, your mere presence an inspiration for 'la vida bonita'.
Don't get me wrong though, I am close to my family, closer than most anyway, but the reality and clear boundaries of it have either been loosened or become more corporeal. Who knows which devilish detail it is, it hardly matters, but the cut and thrust of it is: I'm a bit of a grinch this Christmas.
Today I had the lovely company of 3 people whom I cooked for and generally kept myself busy around. I know you guys know that's just what I do. I also hope you know that I appreciate the time you've spent with me today, it's probably the most successfully festive time I'll be having this year and it means a lot to me (Sunday nonwithstanding). I still wish I calculated the correct number of portions before having to make do with what I had!
Thanks to you who said "You dance, and you can cook? I've not got a chance in hell!". We both know how much of a compliment that is - and while I may quibble the details evidenced by reality - we're one in the same you and I. I have faith that all comes out in the end.
The last day or two has been a little weird and being a primarily cognizant person (a trait I'm trying to make discretional through mental hobbling) it's been a weird double-blind self-observation experiment. Why is there something sitting in my sinus passages preparing me to bawl with the worst? Why do I temper family issues with logic when all my father needs to hear is how I agree with him and that certain people do need a good shellacking? The problem with a brain is that if you engage it all the time then your emotions become filtered or rote carbon copies of what is expected at the time with a 50% hit/miss ratio on it being noticed by a captive audience.
I don't think like I'm terribly concerned about my grandfathers death, never-the-less the physical manifestations of those things that I must be feeling but haven't deduced in myself are in evidence, implying some kind of empathy. Sometimes I wish I could just shut down this part of my brain but as many would attest it doesn't even matter how much I drink, I just start slurring logically.
I've achieved a lot this year: recovered from the '04 to go back to being more successful in the job front than ever, completing large sections of my story and hitting the keys for the novel, moving to town and not relying on a car, learning dancing to the point that within 6 months they ask me to consider a teaching role, easing up on my body enough that I no longer slog through days of mind-numbing nerve pain on a regular basis, and I've lost more weight than I thought possible.
Of course at 5 years of singledom things may continue unabated but this year has not perished yet! As with my short term plans my life could continue to be exciting well through January what with possible moves and many other decisions coupled with evil-necessity and exclusivity that I'm going to have to make past tense.
Confession: I think I've been straight with those I surround myself with this year, and while I may not have spent some time with those I think I should have I also understand how time changes all and that this is more than likely a natural progression of these things.
Well I've had about enough of this diatribe (not to be confused with the iTribade, the latest in Apple products) and I think I'm going to swear off turning these brain dumps into some intelligible whore-child of misfiring neurons during the wee hours of pre-dawn madness.
Thanks y'all for being around this year, for good or worse I'll always learn something from ya's. I look forward to seeing you again soon, and wish me luck for the turmoil that will be the funeral what came from Dargaville.
And now... the funnies.
It's dawned on me in the last couple of days that I'm not really as close to my family as I may have originally lead myself to believe. Upshot of which the concept for becoming totally apostate and tergiversating myself to the other side of the world becomes endlessly simpler. Especially now that I've seen you again Elle, your mere presence an inspiration for 'la vida bonita'.
Don't get me wrong though, I am close to my family, closer than most anyway, but the reality and clear boundaries of it have either been loosened or become more corporeal. Who knows which devilish detail it is, it hardly matters, but the cut and thrust of it is: I'm a bit of a grinch this Christmas.
Today I had the lovely company of 3 people whom I cooked for and generally kept myself busy around. I know you guys know that's just what I do. I also hope you know that I appreciate the time you've spent with me today, it's probably the most successfully festive time I'll be having this year and it means a lot to me (Sunday nonwithstanding). I still wish I calculated the correct number of portions before having to make do with what I had!
Thanks to you who said "You dance, and you can cook? I've not got a chance in hell!". We both know how much of a compliment that is - and while I may quibble the details evidenced by reality - we're one in the same you and I. I have faith that all comes out in the end.
The last day or two has been a little weird and being a primarily cognizant person (a trait I'm trying to make discretional through mental hobbling) it's been a weird double-blind self-observation experiment. Why is there something sitting in my sinus passages preparing me to bawl with the worst? Why do I temper family issues with logic when all my father needs to hear is how I agree with him and that certain people do need a good shellacking? The problem with a brain is that if you engage it all the time then your emotions become filtered or rote carbon copies of what is expected at the time with a 50% hit/miss ratio on it being noticed by a captive audience.
I don't think like I'm terribly concerned about my grandfathers death, never-the-less the physical manifestations of those things that I must be feeling but haven't deduced in myself are in evidence, implying some kind of empathy. Sometimes I wish I could just shut down this part of my brain but as many would attest it doesn't even matter how much I drink, I just start slurring logically.
I've achieved a lot this year: recovered from the '04 to go back to being more successful in the job front than ever, completing large sections of my story and hitting the keys for the novel, moving to town and not relying on a car, learning dancing to the point that within 6 months they ask me to consider a teaching role, easing up on my body enough that I no longer slog through days of mind-numbing nerve pain on a regular basis, and I've lost more weight than I thought possible.
Of course at 5 years of singledom things may continue unabated but this year has not perished yet! As with my short term plans my life could continue to be exciting well through January what with possible moves and many other decisions coupled with evil-necessity and exclusivity that I'm going to have to make past tense.
Confession: I think I've been straight with those I surround myself with this year, and while I may not have spent some time with those I think I should have I also understand how time changes all and that this is more than likely a natural progression of these things.
Well I've had about enough of this diatribe (not to be confused with the iTribade, the latest in Apple products) and I think I'm going to swear off turning these brain dumps into some intelligible whore-child of misfiring neurons during the wee hours of pre-dawn madness.
Thanks y'all for being around this year, for good or worse I'll always learn something from ya's. I look forward to seeing you again soon, and wish me luck for the turmoil that will be the funeral what came from Dargaville.
And now... the funnies.