One- Shot : Lawyers
I don't know what I was on when I wrote this. Names were picked out of thin air, as well. (LIES! I named the crazy fool with money after this character in a soap opera, who was similarily a drunk mess of a son of a man who had Too Much Money and Didn't Know What to Do With It.)
==
Once, Jullian had thought about how people only had good relationships with lawyers in movies and in books. After all, lawyers were terrible people that loved money and came and took away all his time and lovely income because of a few quite understandable mistakes.
"Hey, Gary?" he sang as charmingly into his phone as he could. "You awake?"
"I am now," the irritable voice growled back, clearly more than a little fuzzy with sleep. "Dear god, Jullian, what in the hell did you do this time?"
That was the thing with Gary. He was never happy to hear from Jullian.
"What makes you think I've done anything?" he demanded in what he hoped were hurt tones. He should really practice his tones, and made a mental note to do so later. It might help with all of his court hearings, as a matter of fact. He added a note to his mental note to contact Laura, as she had been the one with the Theatre major in college. God, why had she made that her major, no one could tell. She was currently laboring for another irreplaceable chunk of her life for a major in Chemistry.
No one really understood Laura.
"Every time you call me at four in the morning, it's because you've done something, Jull," his lawyer said, bringing him back to the present. He was sounding more awake, and Jullian fancied he could hear the click of a lamp in the background.
"Don't call me that. I didn't do anything wrong."
The two sentences fought for dominance on the way out of his mouth, and he feels foolishly grateful that they didn't collide together like some sort of head-on-collision and become one mangled nonsensical mess.
Maybe he should have waited for the vodka until after he'd called Gary.
"You're drunk, aren't you?" said man demanded. It was almost scary sometimes how acute Gary's law senses were. He was like some sort of bizarre law superhero god type thing.
"I am not!" he protested, and was rather displeased with the telling whine of the tones. Stupid lawyers. He really needed Laura. "I've only gotten halfway through the second bottle."
"I sincerely hope you're not talking about hard liquor," the law superhero god man said in dangerously quiet tones. "Because if you've called me while drunk on hard liquor --"
"Oh, honestly," Jullian snapped, just about at the end of his nonexistence patience. "I was kidding, I've only had three -- no four? Four? Maybe five ... Five shots!"
"Five shots?"
"It might have been six," he mused, trying to remembered. "Okay, seven."
"Dear god -- Jullian, what did you do?!"
He gave a long suffering sigh. "It's not my fault," he defended. He knew this wouldn't turn out well. "I thought she was sixteen!"
"Oh god," Gary said, sounding like oxygen was disagreeing with him. Jullian could sympathize, sometimes the air didn't like him much either. Once, he'd tried to show it up by not breathing it. Last time, he had done quite well, he thought, and then there was a few awkward months after that in which he had to talk to a therapist.
He'd taken perverse pleasure in siccing Gary on her when he found out that she tended to 'relieve the stress of dealing with suicidal sociopath' with a few hits of X. He'd tried to sue her for using his rather nice crisp hundreds for the support of this habit, but the best he and Gary had managed was to put her in jail. It wasn't terrible, as once she got her probation, they'd managed the insane asylum. Jullian had been insanely pleased that day, and Gary had gone home twice richer.
"But, Jullian," Gary came through the phone in stunted curious tones. "The legal age is eighteen ..."
"Oh! Yes," he exclaimed. "Yes, I know this, but I thought she was sixteen. It's really just a big misunderstanding, you see, and now I seem to have this fleet of lawyers on my tail --"
"Oh gods."
"Gary," Jullian said in what he was proud to claim as 'only slightly scandalized tones'. "Are you with someone right now? Good god, man, I could call you back at five."
"You moron," was his only clear answer before Gary broke into incoherent muttering. Jullian took this to mean that Gary must be having sex while on the phone with him. While this had never occurred before, he was quite willing the stay on the line as long as Gary was. After all, it's not like he could be any more embarrassed than the superhero god law man, and if that was none, well, so be it. He occupied his time by humming a cheerful little tune until Gary got his good sense back.
There was a silence on the other end of the phone for a while. "Jullian, are you humming music from Chicago?"
"I might," he responded, thinking for a moment. "Actually, that's not a terrible idea!" he added brightly.
"I ... feel weird saying this, but no, Jull, you can't bribe doctors with sex to tell the media you're pregnant."
Jullian deflated. "I suppose not."
"I'm sure the plan would have worked if it weren't so well known," Gary added, and Jullian wondered why he sounded as if someone were strangling him. "That, and that you're a ... I don't know ... a man."
"Don't be silly, I'm sure there is at least a few bisexual doctors out there," Jullian sniffed. "Also, I am certain I could change the minds of a few heterosexual men ..."
"I'm sure you could. Now, you might as well tell me why -- exactly -- do you have a fleet of lawyers on your tail?"
So Jullian told him. It was actually a very cliché and unhappy reason. The girl hadn't been his type, anyway. She was a cute kid, and he had honestly thought she was sixteen, but somehow she was eleven, and didn't appreciate him suggesting -- honestly -- that maybe she should go for the purple bra instead of the pink lacy thing she had been eyeballing. Her mother didn't appreciate it either, and somehow the whole thing escalated from him supposedly making a pass at her to molestation in the changing room for the last three weeks. He was a little unhappy and distressed since that had been his first time in that store, and he was actually looking for something for himself.
Sometimes Jullian felt the need to own frilly negligees. It wasn't like he wore them, anyway. So there.
Anyway, it was a rather terrible reason for a fleet of lawyers to be on his tail. Honestly, he expected to get them for selling those pounds of powdered sugar as cocaine to middle-school kids. On second thought, perhaps it was better that no one had found out about that. It could have been bad for his current case.
"You did what?"
Oh. He hadn't realized he'd still been talking out loud. That was rather silly of him, he supposed, since he tended to talk a lot to begin with, and danger and alcohol both made that more prevalent.
"We can work this out!" he said with happy brilliance.
"I hate you," Gary said with feeling.
"You always say that," Jullian said, concerned. "I think there's medication for that." He paused for a moment, thinking. "I think I have medication for that."
His lawyer hung up on him.
So really, Jullian didn't understand what was all that jazz and lies about people having close relationships with their lawyers. His lawyer was terrible and rude and didn't understand anything. He was, of course, the best that money couldn't buy, though, so Jullian kept him.
He set the cell phone aside and sat back into his leather chair, smiling brightly. Gary would deal with the girl, and now Jullian could go back to focusing on something important.
... such as that elusive perfect negligee.
And world domination, of course, but that could wait.
--
I seriously don't know what I was on.
==
Once, Jullian had thought about how people only had good relationships with lawyers in movies and in books. After all, lawyers were terrible people that loved money and came and took away all his time and lovely income because of a few quite understandable mistakes.
"Hey, Gary?" he sang as charmingly into his phone as he could. "You awake?"
"I am now," the irritable voice growled back, clearly more than a little fuzzy with sleep. "Dear god, Jullian, what in the hell did you do this time?"
That was the thing with Gary. He was never happy to hear from Jullian.
"What makes you think I've done anything?" he demanded in what he hoped were hurt tones. He should really practice his tones, and made a mental note to do so later. It might help with all of his court hearings, as a matter of fact. He added a note to his mental note to contact Laura, as she had been the one with the Theatre major in college. God, why had she made that her major, no one could tell. She was currently laboring for another irreplaceable chunk of her life for a major in Chemistry.
No one really understood Laura.
"Every time you call me at four in the morning, it's because you've done something, Jull," his lawyer said, bringing him back to the present. He was sounding more awake, and Jullian fancied he could hear the click of a lamp in the background.
"Don't call me that. I didn't do anything wrong."
The two sentences fought for dominance on the way out of his mouth, and he feels foolishly grateful that they didn't collide together like some sort of head-on-collision and become one mangled nonsensical mess.
Maybe he should have waited for the vodka until after he'd called Gary.
"You're drunk, aren't you?" said man demanded. It was almost scary sometimes how acute Gary's law senses were. He was like some sort of bizarre law superhero god type thing.
"I am not!" he protested, and was rather displeased with the telling whine of the tones. Stupid lawyers. He really needed Laura. "I've only gotten halfway through the second bottle."
"I sincerely hope you're not talking about hard liquor," the law superhero god man said in dangerously quiet tones. "Because if you've called me while drunk on hard liquor --"
"Oh, honestly," Jullian snapped, just about at the end of his nonexistence patience. "I was kidding, I've only had three -- no four? Four? Maybe five ... Five shots!"
"Five shots?"
"It might have been six," he mused, trying to remembered. "Okay, seven."
"Dear god -- Jullian, what did you do?!"
He gave a long suffering sigh. "It's not my fault," he defended. He knew this wouldn't turn out well. "I thought she was sixteen!"
"Oh god," Gary said, sounding like oxygen was disagreeing with him. Jullian could sympathize, sometimes the air didn't like him much either. Once, he'd tried to show it up by not breathing it. Last time, he had done quite well, he thought, and then there was a few awkward months after that in which he had to talk to a therapist.
He'd taken perverse pleasure in siccing Gary on her when he found out that she tended to 'relieve the stress of dealing with suicidal sociopath' with a few hits of X. He'd tried to sue her for using his rather nice crisp hundreds for the support of this habit, but the best he and Gary had managed was to put her in jail. It wasn't terrible, as once she got her probation, they'd managed the insane asylum. Jullian had been insanely pleased that day, and Gary had gone home twice richer.
"But, Jullian," Gary came through the phone in stunted curious tones. "The legal age is eighteen ..."
"Oh! Yes," he exclaimed. "Yes, I know this, but I thought she was sixteen. It's really just a big misunderstanding, you see, and now I seem to have this fleet of lawyers on my tail --"
"Oh gods."
"Gary," Jullian said in what he was proud to claim as 'only slightly scandalized tones'. "Are you with someone right now? Good god, man, I could call you back at five."
"You moron," was his only clear answer before Gary broke into incoherent muttering. Jullian took this to mean that Gary must be having sex while on the phone with him. While this had never occurred before, he was quite willing the stay on the line as long as Gary was. After all, it's not like he could be any more embarrassed than the superhero god law man, and if that was none, well, so be it. He occupied his time by humming a cheerful little tune until Gary got his good sense back.
There was a silence on the other end of the phone for a while. "Jullian, are you humming music from Chicago?"
"I might," he responded, thinking for a moment. "Actually, that's not a terrible idea!" he added brightly.
"I ... feel weird saying this, but no, Jull, you can't bribe doctors with sex to tell the media you're pregnant."
Jullian deflated. "I suppose not."
"I'm sure the plan would have worked if it weren't so well known," Gary added, and Jullian wondered why he sounded as if someone were strangling him. "That, and that you're a ... I don't know ... a man."
"Don't be silly, I'm sure there is at least a few bisexual doctors out there," Jullian sniffed. "Also, I am certain I could change the minds of a few heterosexual men ..."
"I'm sure you could. Now, you might as well tell me why -- exactly -- do you have a fleet of lawyers on your tail?"
So Jullian told him. It was actually a very cliché and unhappy reason. The girl hadn't been his type, anyway. She was a cute kid, and he had honestly thought she was sixteen, but somehow she was eleven, and didn't appreciate him suggesting -- honestly -- that maybe she should go for the purple bra instead of the pink lacy thing she had been eyeballing. Her mother didn't appreciate it either, and somehow the whole thing escalated from him supposedly making a pass at her to molestation in the changing room for the last three weeks. He was a little unhappy and distressed since that had been his first time in that store, and he was actually looking for something for himself.
Sometimes Jullian felt the need to own frilly negligees. It wasn't like he wore them, anyway. So there.
Anyway, it was a rather terrible reason for a fleet of lawyers to be on his tail. Honestly, he expected to get them for selling those pounds of powdered sugar as cocaine to middle-school kids. On second thought, perhaps it was better that no one had found out about that. It could have been bad for his current case.
"You did what?"
Oh. He hadn't realized he'd still been talking out loud. That was rather silly of him, he supposed, since he tended to talk a lot to begin with, and danger and alcohol both made that more prevalent.
"We can work this out!" he said with happy brilliance.
"I hate you," Gary said with feeling.
"You always say that," Jullian said, concerned. "I think there's medication for that." He paused for a moment, thinking. "I think I have medication for that."
His lawyer hung up on him.
So really, Jullian didn't understand what was all that jazz and lies about people having close relationships with their lawyers. His lawyer was terrible and rude and didn't understand anything. He was, of course, the best that money couldn't buy, though, so Jullian kept him.
He set the cell phone aside and sat back into his leather chair, smiling brightly. Gary would deal with the girl, and now Jullian could go back to focusing on something important.
... such as that elusive perfect negligee.
And world domination, of course, but that could wait.
--
I seriously don't know what I was on.