I need to vent.
Haven't posted on here in over 6 months but at the moment I'm feeling like this is a good place to vent. I have a really hard time talking about things when I'm upset - I tend to just brush it off and put a smile on my face.... but that doesn't really help anything. So I figure I might as well try venting it in writing.... it can't hurt.
So yesterday was my birthday. Well it seems the 'birthday blues' have hit me a day late. Here are some facts about my life:
my longest relationship lasted 14 months - that was when I was in high school.
My most serious relationship lasted 5 months - that ended almost 7 years ago.
In the past 7 years I have not had a single relationship. I have had a lot of first dates, a handful of second dates and a few third dates.
This is something that I find incredibly depressing. As cheesy as this is going to sound, all I want in life is to feel loved. I am sitting here crying right now, knowing how pathetic I am and how stupid this sounds, but I can't help how I feel and right now it's not good.
What I really don't understand is what I'm missing. Is there some giant sign hanging over my head telling guys to steer clear? I mean, I have my flaws, who doesn't? But I think I'm ok looking... I'm fairly smart... I'm easy going... I have a pretty good sense of humour... I can't think of any reason why noone would EVER want to be with me. So what am I missing? I know that there's no answer but I really wish there was. Something like 'you're too short'. Ok, so I'll learn to wear 4 inch heals. I'd do it, even if I was in constant pain, if it meant I had someone to come home to.
I hate that I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face right now but I can't help it. I know that I have other things in my life. That I'm blessed to have some great friends and be close to my family. That I have a steady job and own my own place. But I would give it all up to have someone's arms around me right now. I'd live in a fucking cardboard box if there was someone there to say goodnight to.
I was supposed to go on a date tomorrow. I started talking to this guy about 3 weeks ago. We progressed to almost daily emails or msgs on bbm and then finally went for coffee a week and a half ago. We were supposed to go out again tomorrow and today I get an email from him telling me that around the same time he started talking to me he also met someone else and he thinks that he wants to pursue things with her. He goes to great lengths to tell me how much he enjoyed getting to know me and that it's not me. But it has to be. It's the only thing that makes any sense. Especially since this is not the first time this has happened. The last guy I was talking to on eharmony did something very similar. We were supposed to go out and the day before he closes the match putting the reason as "I'm pursuing another relationship". So why is it never me? Why am I always the one left all alone? I hate it. I really really hate it. and I don't know what to do about it.
Every year my birthday comes and I think this will be the last year I'm alone. And then the next year it comes again and nothing has changed.
*crying break*
I don't really know what else to say. I'm so lonely. And I feel like I walk around being fake all the time. I have a smile on my face. I pretend to be happy. When there's a thunderstorm going on inside me.
I want to have kids someday. I've always wanted kids. And lately I've been thinking that I will have to find a way to do that alone. I hate that I'm resigning myself to being alone forever, but it really seems inevitable at this point so I might as well accept it.
I could write more but at this point I'm just repeating myself so I'll stop.
Please take the kick me sign down. I give up.
So yesterday was my birthday. Well it seems the 'birthday blues' have hit me a day late. Here are some facts about my life:
my longest relationship lasted 14 months - that was when I was in high school.
My most serious relationship lasted 5 months - that ended almost 7 years ago.
In the past 7 years I have not had a single relationship. I have had a lot of first dates, a handful of second dates and a few third dates.
This is something that I find incredibly depressing. As cheesy as this is going to sound, all I want in life is to feel loved. I am sitting here crying right now, knowing how pathetic I am and how stupid this sounds, but I can't help how I feel and right now it's not good.
What I really don't understand is what I'm missing. Is there some giant sign hanging over my head telling guys to steer clear? I mean, I have my flaws, who doesn't? But I think I'm ok looking... I'm fairly smart... I'm easy going... I have a pretty good sense of humour... I can't think of any reason why noone would EVER want to be with me. So what am I missing? I know that there's no answer but I really wish there was. Something like 'you're too short'. Ok, so I'll learn to wear 4 inch heals. I'd do it, even if I was in constant pain, if it meant I had someone to come home to.
I hate that I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face right now but I can't help it. I know that I have other things in my life. That I'm blessed to have some great friends and be close to my family. That I have a steady job and own my own place. But I would give it all up to have someone's arms around me right now. I'd live in a fucking cardboard box if there was someone there to say goodnight to.
I was supposed to go on a date tomorrow. I started talking to this guy about 3 weeks ago. We progressed to almost daily emails or msgs on bbm and then finally went for coffee a week and a half ago. We were supposed to go out again tomorrow and today I get an email from him telling me that around the same time he started talking to me he also met someone else and he thinks that he wants to pursue things with her. He goes to great lengths to tell me how much he enjoyed getting to know me and that it's not me. But it has to be. It's the only thing that makes any sense. Especially since this is not the first time this has happened. The last guy I was talking to on eharmony did something very similar. We were supposed to go out and the day before he closes the match putting the reason as "I'm pursuing another relationship". So why is it never me? Why am I always the one left all alone? I hate it. I really really hate it. and I don't know what to do about it.
Every year my birthday comes and I think this will be the last year I'm alone. And then the next year it comes again and nothing has changed.
*crying break*
I don't really know what else to say. I'm so lonely. And I feel like I walk around being fake all the time. I have a smile on my face. I pretend to be happy. When there's a thunderstorm going on inside me.
I want to have kids someday. I've always wanted kids. And lately I've been thinking that I will have to find a way to do that alone. I hate that I'm resigning myself to being alone forever, but it really seems inevitable at this point so I might as well accept it.
I could write more but at this point I'm just repeating myself so I'll stop.
Please take the kick me sign down. I give up.