The Deathly Hallows: if it ends like this the fan base is going to have a heart attack.
Title: The Deathly Hallows: If it ends like this, the fan base is going to have a heart attack
Pairings: Harry and Weasley twins mentioned
Rating: PG for crack
Summary: Crack fic ending to DH. No spoilers
Author's Note: This was written before DH came out. There are no spoilers.
It was a dark and stormy night.
Okay, so it was a rather cloudy afternoon, slightly chilly, with a chance of showers later on, but that sort of thing never turns out the way you expect. For every properly ominous dark and stormy night, you get twenty rather gloomy afternoons where you twiddle your thumbs while Dobby figures out how much overtime he's getting. But I digress.
Given the importance of what was happening, it should have been a dark and stormy night, but it wasn't. Harry Potter had traveled long and fought hard to complete his collection of horcruxes and find this place and now here he was. The Dark Lord and his Death Eaters were meeting right below him. He inched closer to the overhang edge to hear what they were saying.
"Look, I want a shrubbery, and that's that. You dare defy me. Crucio."
"No Lord, I AAAAAH!"
Voldemort spun on his heel to face another of his minions.
"Lucius, you will do as I command. Bring me a shrubbery. And you'd better weigh less than a duck when you get back or we're burning you."
"Yes, my lord." A dark-hooded figure now identified as Lucius Malfoy hurried off from the group. Harry noted with a smirk that he seemed much older and thinner than before.
"Serves the blighter right. I hope they do burn him," he muttered.
He clutched the wand and his collection tight. Time to start. He jumped down in front of the group.
"What-ho Lord Voldemort! Your reign of terror stops now."
"What-ho? That's your battle cry, what-ho? Come on, you're not even trying. Minions, kill him."
A long and bloody battle commenced, with lots of nifty special effects which are unfortunately not in the budget, and far too violent for children anyway. So, let's just look at this flower.
"Oh, Ow, that's not supposed to bend like that."
"Really? Lucius's does."
"EEW! Did not need to know that. Next you're going to be telling me that Snape wears ladies' undies."
"Well, actually..."
"Have at you, damn it! Now I've got that image in my head."
People, we're still looking at the flower. But the noise seems to have died down, so let's take a look at things.
And there's Harry and Voldemort playing Exploding Snap, while the minions make battle noises. Now, wait a minute!
"Look, there's no point in fighting when you're not going to show it anyway, so we figured we'd just play a game instead."
You're playing a game for the fate of Britain?
"Yup. Makes about as much sense as this entire horcrux thing."
Okay, so who's winning?
Harry leaps up and starts to jump up and down in glee.
"I won! I won! I fart in your general direction! I won!"
"Bugger this. I'm going to the pub for a drink."
And thus the greatest battle in wizarding history was settled with a game. Harry went on to fame, fortune, and a long-term relationship with the Weasley twins. Lord Voldemort went back to being Tom Riddle, and got a job in Gringotts. He also discovered that no, Lucius's doesn't actually bend that way when Lucius came over and broke his for him.
And no, Harry never did get the image of Snape in ladies undies out of his head. I don't know why, he looks quite fetching in his black silk number. And what happened to me, your faithful deceased narrator and former Headmaster, you may ask? I got a lovely job haunting a castle, with permission to occasionally haunt Snape's bedchamber. After all, it's never too late to learn new things.
Pairings: Harry and Weasley twins mentioned
Rating: PG for crack
Summary: Crack fic ending to DH. No spoilers
Author's Note: This was written before DH came out. There are no spoilers.
It was a dark and stormy night.
Okay, so it was a rather cloudy afternoon, slightly chilly, with a chance of showers later on, but that sort of thing never turns out the way you expect. For every properly ominous dark and stormy night, you get twenty rather gloomy afternoons where you twiddle your thumbs while Dobby figures out how much overtime he's getting. But I digress.
Given the importance of what was happening, it should have been a dark and stormy night, but it wasn't. Harry Potter had traveled long and fought hard to complete his collection of horcruxes and find this place and now here he was. The Dark Lord and his Death Eaters were meeting right below him. He inched closer to the overhang edge to hear what they were saying.
"Look, I want a shrubbery, and that's that. You dare defy me. Crucio."
"No Lord, I AAAAAH!"
Voldemort spun on his heel to face another of his minions.
"Lucius, you will do as I command. Bring me a shrubbery. And you'd better weigh less than a duck when you get back or we're burning you."
"Yes, my lord." A dark-hooded figure now identified as Lucius Malfoy hurried off from the group. Harry noted with a smirk that he seemed much older and thinner than before.
"Serves the blighter right. I hope they do burn him," he muttered.
He clutched the wand and his collection tight. Time to start. He jumped down in front of the group.
"What-ho Lord Voldemort! Your reign of terror stops now."
"What-ho? That's your battle cry, what-ho? Come on, you're not even trying. Minions, kill him."
A long and bloody battle commenced, with lots of nifty special effects which are unfortunately not in the budget, and far too violent for children anyway. So, let's just look at this flower.
"Oh, Ow, that's not supposed to bend like that."
"Really? Lucius's does."
"EEW! Did not need to know that. Next you're going to be telling me that Snape wears ladies' undies."
"Well, actually..."
"Have at you, damn it! Now I've got that image in my head."
People, we're still looking at the flower. But the noise seems to have died down, so let's take a look at things.
And there's Harry and Voldemort playing Exploding Snap, while the minions make battle noises. Now, wait a minute!
"Look, there's no point in fighting when you're not going to show it anyway, so we figured we'd just play a game instead."
You're playing a game for the fate of Britain?
"Yup. Makes about as much sense as this entire horcrux thing."
Okay, so who's winning?
Harry leaps up and starts to jump up and down in glee.
"I won! I won! I fart in your general direction! I won!"
"Bugger this. I'm going to the pub for a drink."
And thus the greatest battle in wizarding history was settled with a game. Harry went on to fame, fortune, and a long-term relationship with the Weasley twins. Lord Voldemort went back to being Tom Riddle, and got a job in Gringotts. He also discovered that no, Lucius's doesn't actually bend that way when Lucius came over and broke his for him.
And no, Harry never did get the image of Snape in ladies undies out of his head. I don't know why, he looks quite fetching in his black silk number. And what happened to me, your faithful deceased narrator and former Headmaster, you may ask? I got a lovely job haunting a castle, with permission to occasionally haunt Snape's bedchamber. After all, it's never too late to learn new things.