Finally, something worthy of an LJ update

[mellery_celery]

My grandfather is having hip surgery tomorrow. Finally, my search for a funny, appropriate get-well card has come to an end.

The front is some silly picture and a reference to Hillary Clinton reforming health care. But inside, it's a gold mine.


THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT'S NEW, UNABRIDGED
MEDICAL DICTIONARY

barium - what you do when the patient dies
urine - the opposite of "you're out!"
cauterize - made eye contact with her
D&C - where Washington is
ova - finished, done with
sperm - to reject, look away from
dilate - to live a long time
enema - opposite of a friend
node - was aware of
white count - the number of caucasians
hernia - pertaining to a female's knee
fibrilate - to tell a small lie
bunion - Paul's surname
genital - non-Jew
sacrum - holy
paradox - two doctors
constipation - endangered feces
penis - someone who plays the piano
humerus - to tell us what we want to hear
intestine - currently taking an exam
coronary - domesticated yellow bird
outpatient - a person who has fainted
pap smear - to slander your father
pelvis - the evil twin of Elvis
rectum - dang near killed 'im
seizure - Roman emperor
cat scan - when the Secret Service looks for Socks