The Depths of Despair
Here's a surprise -- I'm not pregnant. Again.
There are no words for how I feel about the whole damn mess. The guilt alone is indescribable.
It may sound completely unreasonable for me to feel guilty over something I have no control over but I do. I feel sick that the crap I put archdiva through was for nothing. Having to be at the clinic at 8am was bad enough but he had all kinds of shit going on in his own life and he did it anyways -- because he's just that awesome and I love him for it.
The week was pretty bad -- I had some spotting Tuesday morning and spent the trip home from Playgroup in tears thinking I had missed the window and done the IUI too late in the week. I was depressed most of the day but when the spotting stopped I started to think that maybe is was the egg implanting and I spent the next few days trying not to get my hopes up. I did three tests over the next few days and had a reason why every negative wasn't *really* a negative yet.
By Sunday I was two days late and starting to think that maybe, just maybe, this was it. As soon as I started to breathe again -- you guessed it -- I got my period.
Sultry and I have been talking this week and I've decided to call it quits after a couple more tries. After March I'm throwing in the towel. I can't keep putting us *all* through this over and over.
So, yeah. Not my best week ever. Not my best month. Or Year.
I'm trying not to let it drag me too far down but with Christmas looming... well... suffice it to say I'm not exactly brimming with Holiday Cheer.
M.