Grieving and God works in mysterious ways...
January 15th 2009: In the early hours of the morning, one of my closest friends pulled the trigger...the trigger that released the bullet that ended his life.
January 22nd 2009: My friend Kyle AKA Boo was in a car accident, one that to this day no one can be sure wasn't suicide itself...
Now a year later, I wish I could say "I'm fine" "I'm over it" but I'm not. Everyday I think about Mike and Boo, sometimes something good will happen and just for a split second I think "I can't wait to tell Mike!" then I remember...
I blame myself, see I was the last person Mike reached out to before pulling the trigger, I was selfish...I told him I was tired...I swear had I known, I would of picked up the phone. Now I live with the blame. I blame myself for not being there for Boo, If I hadn't been caught up in my own grief over Mike, I could of been a better friend to Boo.
These last couple weeks have been hard, I feared the anniversary, knowing the sadness and emotions that would be steered up.
Now with one anniversary passed, I still find myself emotional. I've been dreaming of Mike and Boo alot lately. I can't even listen to certain songs without tearing up. I've basically thrown myself into a world that consists of nothing but WWE, True Blood, Community and The Soup. Tacky? yes, but it takes my mind off of the feelings.
Friday the 15th, I worked, I thought about turning it down, but I figured all i would do was mope if I was home so I put on a brave face and reported ot work on the TV show "Community."
The day was a bad day, but mix that with my underlying feelings and I was just ready to break down and cry. I toughed it out the best I could, swallowing the cryball in my throat and moving on. The sadness was always there ya know? I thought about Mike alot that day, I felt and still do feel that it's all my fault. Sometimes I even wonder where is it right that I'm still alive? If I'm the one to blame for both Mike and Boo's deaths, then how is it fair that I'm the one still alive? I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything. I'm just confused.
Maybe though...just maybe God had a reason for putting us on "Community" that day. I mean yeah, "Community" takes us alot but honestly any show could of took us.
At one point in the day:
We were waiting for the crew, as I leaned against the doorframe, resting my head against the door, a serious expression on my face. Joel walks right over to me, stands only a few feet from me, tilts his head to the side and literally mocks my facial expression to a T. I pushed myself off the door, and rolled my eyes, and he mocked it to a T. Keeping his face directly across from mine, mocking my facial expressions to a T. He did it for a few minutes, when I couldn't help it any more, by this time Dawn was cracking up, and I just busted out laughing smiling. Joel smiles wide as he went back to his mark, looking over to us smiling. It was embarassing, but you know what...we needed that good laugh...it put us in such a better mood.
Then moments later...
I was placed in a doorway and I'm the first person to cross directly after Joel and anonymous. I was standing in the area behind the hallway, waiting for my cue, and before they would call action Joel would walk around there practicing his lines. So that being said...even though it was a bad day, you didn't think I'd make it out without being embarassed did you? Nope...I was talking with the 2 people who cross behind me, and we were talking about the guy, cause he was on an 'alkaline' diet. The other lady said something about putting a piece of tape across his butt and writing 'Alky' on it. We were just laughing, at this point Joel is standing near us, not practicing his lines, but just listening to us. So I go "No you should put tape across his butt that says Juicy!" were all laughing when the guy goes 'No it should say Dirty, cause you know how your butt's supposed to be dirty?" without missing a beat I go "Maybe where you come from, but I prefer my butt to be clean!" don't forget, Joel is listening to this whole conversation. Then the guy says "Mine too, I splash my butt with acidic water to disinfect it..." So I see a bottle of windex on a cart nearby so I grab it and turn to the guy and I'm like "Here bend over!" which caused Joel to just crack up, as the guy rolls his eyes. I put the windex back and then the guy goes "Yeah, well the tape across your butt should read 'Naughty!'" I turned so red I turned around and was like "what?" and the guy goes "Oh don't lie! We all know your naughty!" I was so red, as I turned back around when I hear a deep voice go "Naughty?" I slowly turn around and Joel's just smiling as I look at him he goes "Naughty huh? Should I call you Naughty?" I turned so red...meanwhile my ovaries and fantasies were brewing all sorts of dirty thoughts...I just shook my head as I was so embarassed, causing Joel to just laugh even louder. Thank god, they called for him on his mark after that...I was so embarassed, but it was funny...
Ending it out with...
I was placed with another lady near Joel's starting point, while Dawn was placed down the ways a bit. I was talking with the other lady when I heard Joel say "It's nice to see you smiling again" I thought he was talking to Alison, when the lady I was standing with nudges me, I turn to look and Joel is staring right at me, a little smirk on his face...so flipping adorable! I blush, when he goes "You two are always smiling..." I looked over to the lady I was with when he goes "Not her, the other one..." I smiled wider, as my face continued to burn turning red as I said "My sister.."Joel smiled and nodded...It was adorable! Of course I blushed like an idiot!
Joel had no idea about my friends, he had no reason to even approach my sister and I. Now I'm not trying to be all preachy or things, I'm just saying that is ALOT off coincidences. Maybe God had this whole thing planned out, maybe God made sure we were placed where we were and maybe just maybe God had a have in Joel approaching us, making us laugh. Think about it, the one day when I'd rather be sad I'm sent a place full of comedians?
I'll never know why Joel approached us, and made us laugh like he did, but I like to think it was a higher plan from above.
The 22nd is approaching, and the truth is I don't think I'll ever stop missing Boo and Mike. I wonder if they ever watch me from heaven, I wonder if they're proud of me...I wonder what they'd think of me, and sometimes I wonder if they even rememeber me?
I remember them, everything about them, Mike's nickname for me, Boo's favorite cologne, Mike's sense of humore (God, he would of loved that 'Naughty' thing)
So this part I write to Mike and Boo:
I miss you both so much. You both were more than just friends to me, you were like my big brothers. I'm sorry if I failed you, or let you down. I only hope I'll make you proud as you look down on me.
I love you and always will...
Til we meet again...