Birthday Blues...
So in exactly 7 days, I will be another year older, a feat I should be proud of that I actually survived another year on this planet. I should be excited to spend my special day with people that love me, and look forward to the celebrations that are planned for my day, but I'm not.
I'm convinced this birthday is gonna suck. Is it because I most likely won't meet my weight goal of losing 10lbs? nah, I mean sure, I would of loved to meet the goal, but I messed it up, and although I'm back on the bandwagon now the point is, it's not gonna happen. And right now I just feel that it's pointless cause I always will gain weight, why even try?
Is it because I'm not getting any work? Meh, I'm getting some here and there. True some people won't take me cause I'm ugly and fat, but some shows will. I'll just wait til it picks up.
So where does this bad feeling come from? I think its buried deeper, I think alot of it deals with my father. Tonight I heard that a father plays a big role in the daughter's self esteem, and even now, no matter how much I hate it, the fact is he still plays a role in my life and with my feelings.
It all started a few weeks ago, while having lunch with my father and stepmother, my stepmother who just happens to have the same birthday as me, suggested that we all go out for dinner on the 12th, the WHOLE family, her kids too, to celebrate both of our birthdays. Making it a family celebration. At first, I didn't want to but then I figured, it would be nice to celebrate it with everyone, maybe just maybe do something as a family. Cause the truth is, once my father married her, the 12th was no longer 'MY' birthday it was all about her.
A few years ago we tried to do the joint dinner thing, and ya know what happened? My dad and her kids requested they bring her a birthday dessert, so I sat there while everyone sang my stepmother 'happy birthday' and finally as I walked out of the restaurant after dinner, my father handed me a card saying 'Oh here, happy birthday'. Another year, my father bought my stepmother a necklace that ranged anywhere in the $300s, and what did I get from my dad? The free make-up that came with the necklace and I DONT WEAR MAKEUP! But I figured with all of us in the family turning a new leaf, trying to get along, that maybe just maybe this would be new.
Earlier this week, I called my dad to check on the time for the dinner, and it was then that my father told me 'Oh, well we're celebrating Debbie's (my stepmom) birthday in Ontario, cause she wants to have dinner with her kids.' Silence was on the phone for a moment before he goes 'Oh well you and Dawn can come if you want to celebrate Debbie's birthday.' I was floored? So somewhere along the line we got uninvited to my own birthday dinner? How does that happen?
Just a few days ago, we had to run an errand with my dad and stepmom and what does my stepmom say to me 'I hope you two can come to my birthday dinner, cause your dad needs a ride over there, and we were hoping you two can give him a ride!'
I'm not saying this is all that's making me upset, but I guess I just feel that I'm not good enough for my own father to give a squat about on their birthday, then why try? I don't know what I ever did to him, and I wish I could explain how much this hurts. It's like I no longer exist, I no longer have a special day, I'm no longer on the radar...period.
All I want on my birthday is to feel good, about myself and my life...but now only a week away, I'm not gonna hit my weight goal that's for sure, I doubt I'll get more work, and on top of that my own father doesn't give a hoot about my birthday...