Normal...I just want to be Normal
Normal...I just want to be Normal...
I've done whatever I could to be normal, my whole life. I've done whatever I have to do to be in the majority, but 2 years ago when I found out I had a serious hearing loss and would have to wear hearing aids for the rest of my life, I realized...I would NEVER be normal. I've tried my best to adjust, I wear my hearing aids whenver I can, I constantly try to read lips, and read conversations, I try figure other ways to communicate....and with the help of Dawn...I started to feel a little normal.
People convinced me that no one could even notice the aids, which I'm still extremely self conscious about, one person even commenting that he thought they were cute! I felt as if for once, I was normal...I could hear like a normal person...but after last night...the truth came back and slapped me in the face...no matter what I do...I will never be able to hear like a normal person.
I went to a concert last night, a concert of a band I've listened to since birth practically, and as I sat on the top of the Grandstand...I couldn't hear. I wasn't wearing my aids since it was a concert and usually I can't wear my aids to those type of events, but as I sat there it killed me. I looked around, listening to the people next to me laughing as the lead singer made jokes, I could see the people near me singing along, and all I could do was look to Dawn who would tell me what song it was. I tried to feel the bass vibrating through the stands, trying to give me some idea what song was being played, but honestly...I've never felt so alone in my life. Even though I was in a huge crowd of people...I felt alone...just alone.
All I wanted was to be normal, I looked around at the people around me, various ages, races, etc. and yet I was the only one. Usually, I can accept not being able to hear like a normal person, but I want you to imagine for a second...going to a show....and being the only person in the whole audience that can't hear what's going on. Not being able to hear the songs, not being able to understand what's going on. Not being able to the hear the songs you know by heart, and all you can do is just look around at everyone else, hoping you'll be able to hear at least a word.
I'm doing my best to look past the self-pity I feel, I honestly feel like just tossing my hearing aids, I mean what's the point, I'm never gonna get all my hearing back...but on the same level, there are things I don't think I could go without hearing.
I guess I should just be happy it didn't happen in front of someone I consider to be important...I mean could you imagine what would happen if I didn't have my hearing aids in front of one of my favorite WWE superstars? They would realize I'm not normal, and that there is something wrong with me, and that would crush me....
In the end....I just want to be normal...normal...