The New Year...and personal reflection (Warning: Personal moments inside)
Well it's here, no matter how much I dreaded it...I really wanted to end the year on a high note...but instead it ended in a down point in my life... I decided not to celebrate the new Year, just because why celebrate such a horrible year coming to an end...when the way things are looking the next year will be worse...
I'm still lost...and even though I want to pursue my dream, I'm still afraid of what others will think of me, even my father...It sounds crazy but I still yearn for my parents to be proud of me, even though it's evident that, it will never happen.
Ya know what hurt the most this weekend? It wasn't that I was sick on Christmas, It wasn't that we didn't have much money, it was the fact my father drove the 4 hours out here to yell at me in front of my sister, screaming at me how much I was ruining my sister's life. At one point I got angry and yelled back "Well why don't I just run my car face first into a tree!" and my own father responded "Good! At least then you won't ruin her whole life and you won't hold her back!" That hurt....
I've raised that girl since she was 10 years old...I have done nothing but bust my ass to be the best sister possible to her and to give her everything I could. I've given up plenty in my life and still do, to be a good sister for her...we've been through so much together and we're close than most siblings. That girl is the only one in my life that believes in me...and now to hear my father say I'm ruining her life...it hurts...
Maybe I am? I'm trying to do my best...but now I keep thinking maybe I should just drop her back off in CA and disappear out of her life...maybe she would be better off without me...even though I would never WANT to do that...but if it's for the best for her...I don't know...
I'm just tired...physically, mentally and emotionally...it never stops...my life is crashing around us, and I'm getting tired of being the fuck-up that caused it...
If I had the money, I would move me and my sister across the country, to a place where no one knows us, and we can start our lives all over, away from our father...away from everyone...but that's not an option...I just feel bad my sister is stuck with a fuck-up like me for a sister...
In something totally unrelated, I guess when a year ends and the new one begins...it just makes you think about the past...the good and the bad...My sister and I were looking through some photos of the past...some of us growing up, and that's when I realized something. No matter who much I tried to protect her when we were kids, she still heard and saw alot that she shouldn't of seen...
We got to a picture of us back when we were kids and behind us in the wall, you could see the plaster and different colored paint that covered a good size hole in the wall, when my sister brought it up I laughed and asked her if she remembered how the hole happened and that's when she said it "Yeah, you and dad told me it was because ya'll accidentally hit it moving the table, but I know that's not true", and she's right...it was a lie me and my father came up with...I always had an idea she might of known what had happened...so since she's an adult I asked her...and she told me "That's where mom threw you up against the wall, huh?"...I remember that night vividly, it was the only time my mother ever got physically abusive with me, but me and my sister endeered plenty of verbal and emotional abuse from her when she was drunk...
My heart cringed when I heard her say that, I had tried so hard to protect her from our mother and her drunken rages...I would put her to bed at night early, so my mother couldn't hurt her...I would sit outside her door just to make sure...but no matter how much I tried she still heard and saw things...That night, she had woken up when she heard the huge noise and the yelling, and when she came out to the hallway, she saw me sitting on the floor with the plaster broken in around me, as my father and mother yelled loudly...she never said a thing to me, as I pulled myself off the floor and went and hugged her and tucked her back into bed...
I wish I could of done better than I did, I wish she never had those memories...I just wish I could of protected and provided for her more...and I still do...
It's that thought alone, that makes me think perhaps I should go for my dream...I know she'd be in my corner cheering me on...and maybe just maybe we could be in a situation where I wouldn't feel guilty about the past, but happy about the future...
.
I'm still lost...and even though I want to pursue my dream, I'm still afraid of what others will think of me, even my father...It sounds crazy but I still yearn for my parents to be proud of me, even though it's evident that, it will never happen.
Ya know what hurt the most this weekend? It wasn't that I was sick on Christmas, It wasn't that we didn't have much money, it was the fact my father drove the 4 hours out here to yell at me in front of my sister, screaming at me how much I was ruining my sister's life. At one point I got angry and yelled back "Well why don't I just run my car face first into a tree!" and my own father responded "Good! At least then you won't ruin her whole life and you won't hold her back!" That hurt....
I've raised that girl since she was 10 years old...I have done nothing but bust my ass to be the best sister possible to her and to give her everything I could. I've given up plenty in my life and still do, to be a good sister for her...we've been through so much together and we're close than most siblings. That girl is the only one in my life that believes in me...and now to hear my father say I'm ruining her life...it hurts...
Maybe I am? I'm trying to do my best...but now I keep thinking maybe I should just drop her back off in CA and disappear out of her life...maybe she would be better off without me...even though I would never WANT to do that...but if it's for the best for her...I don't know...
I'm just tired...physically, mentally and emotionally...it never stops...my life is crashing around us, and I'm getting tired of being the fuck-up that caused it...
If I had the money, I would move me and my sister across the country, to a place where no one knows us, and we can start our lives all over, away from our father...away from everyone...but that's not an option...I just feel bad my sister is stuck with a fuck-up like me for a sister...
In something totally unrelated, I guess when a year ends and the new one begins...it just makes you think about the past...the good and the bad...My sister and I were looking through some photos of the past...some of us growing up, and that's when I realized something. No matter who much I tried to protect her when we were kids, she still heard and saw alot that she shouldn't of seen...
We got to a picture of us back when we were kids and behind us in the wall, you could see the plaster and different colored paint that covered a good size hole in the wall, when my sister brought it up I laughed and asked her if she remembered how the hole happened and that's when she said it "Yeah, you and dad told me it was because ya'll accidentally hit it moving the table, but I know that's not true", and she's right...it was a lie me and my father came up with...I always had an idea she might of known what had happened...so since she's an adult I asked her...and she told me "That's where mom threw you up against the wall, huh?"...I remember that night vividly, it was the only time my mother ever got physically abusive with me, but me and my sister endeered plenty of verbal and emotional abuse from her when she was drunk...
My heart cringed when I heard her say that, I had tried so hard to protect her from our mother and her drunken rages...I would put her to bed at night early, so my mother couldn't hurt her...I would sit outside her door just to make sure...but no matter how much I tried she still heard and saw things...That night, she had woken up when she heard the huge noise and the yelling, and when she came out to the hallway, she saw me sitting on the floor with the plaster broken in around me, as my father and mother yelled loudly...she never said a thing to me, as I pulled myself off the floor and went and hugged her and tucked her back into bed...
I wish I could of done better than I did, I wish she never had those memories...I just wish I could of protected and provided for her more...and I still do...
It's that thought alone, that makes me think perhaps I should go for my dream...I know she'd be in my corner cheering me on...and maybe just maybe we could be in a situation where I wouldn't feel guilty about the past, but happy about the future...
.