(no subject)
I don't know how to explain this blog, I guess I just need to talk some things out...get them off my chest...I honestly don't know...
My life is in chaos, and I'm on the edge, and it seems like not a single person knows, or most people don't care just how close to the edge I am...
I have lost two, that's right TWO friends, in the last month. These two guys were like my brothers, they protected me when I needed it, they gave me the encouragement, I so desperately crave, they loved me for who I am, not who they wanted me to be. They were like my big brothers, and now I'm alone...
My life is in chaos, I have no more fears, as my new life slogan is I am not afraid of anything, but now I worry about what will be the next big slap to happen in my life. I don't think of any good things that may be in my future, I think of the upcoming bad things, simply cause of the past. I worry constantly something will happen to me, every little ache I feel in my body I worry that it's a sign of some unknown disease that will kill me. When in reality, yeah I'm not skinny, but I haven't had any serious medical issues since I was a baby. I just recently was in the ER for an injury, and they did the normal vitals on me, and had something not sounded right or something I am sure they would of done something. The only issue I had that trip was my blood pressure was just barely over the normal mark, but since I was in pain it's normal for that to happen...I've had injuries before, and like this time, every time I am in pain my blood pressure is always a tad bit high, so it wasn't really unexpected. Yet, I constantly worry about me...
I worry about losing my jobs, or not being able to cut it. I worry about not making enough money for both me and Dawn, and we end up homeless...
I worry that I'll never cut it, I worry that I'll never be able to succeed in what I want to do with my life, I worry that my whole life will be worth nothing in the end. I worry that every single decision I make is a mistake, I worry about every little thing in my life, why? I don't want to fuck-up anymore...
Perhaps, you're wondering why I worry so much? Why I doubt myself so much? Well, let me explain something to you, and although this is not complaining in any way, I have to explain to you my past for you to understand my present.
I have NEVER had anyone who actually believed I could do something in my life, besides my sister. As a child, I spent most of my time alone, entertaining myself with my toys or something, I knew better than to ask my mother who was drinking most of the time anyways, and my father was never around.When my sister was born I was about 6 years old, my mother basically taught me what I needed to know to take care of my sister and I took care of her most of the time. Imagine being 6 years old, and waking up in the middle of the night, going downstairs to make a bottle, then feed your younger sibling...
As I got older, I found myself getting bad grades, not because I was stupid, but simply because I knew if I got bad grades my mother would yell at me and at least pay me some attention. My mother used to tell me, "Every family has one golden child, one child that will make it in the world." and in our family, that child was definitely Dawn.
It wasn't til 4th grade that I felt what it was like to have someone cheering in my corner. My 4th grade teacher Mr. Beaver, refused to give up on me. He constantly checked on me, when I did good on a test, he would give me a hug (this was when it was cool for a teacher to touch the student) and tell me how proud he was of me, and guess what? I made honor roll that whole year, and honestly I remember that year as being one of my happiest years.
It was after that year, that I realized the support people need in their lives, and that's when I made the promise to myself to make sure my sister constantly was given support, if not from our parents, than from me. My sister always had the emotional support from me, whether she wanted it or not, and she knows it. She still has that support no matter what she does, and she knows it...
See the thing is, I have always been the type of person who has wanted to make people proud of me...I strived to make my parent's proud of me and am just now learning that, that goal will NEVER happen. I strive to make my sister proud of me, and I strive to make each person who knows me, proud of me. I want people to be proud that they know me, and I haven't been able to do that in my 25 years of life.
The problem is, now I'm 25, and I feel like nothing but a fuck-up, cause I have never been able to make someone proud of me. I feel like I'm running this race alone...I find myself wishing I had someone in my corner (And yes Dawn, I know you are in my corner) that I could call, and they could tell me I was gonna make it...tell me I can DO it...tell me I am not a 'Fuck-up' and better yet...tell me something and I'll believe them...
So to all you who may be reading this, please know I'm trying...I'm trying to make all of you proud of me, I'm trying my best and although I never could make Mike or 'Boo' proud of me during their short time here on earth, I will try to make all of you proud of me while you're still here with me...
I can hope and promise all I want, and who knows maybe one day, I'll pull a "Jeff Hardy", and I'll be able to tell all the haters to bite me, and grab the gold in my life, but what if I can't?
Either way the fact remains, My time has passed with Mike and 'Boo', they'll never be able to be proud of me, they'll never be able to cheer me on, and I'll never be able to look at them when I make it,and I'll never be able to see the pride in their eyes...and I would give anything to see pride in their eyes just once.....