Is it worth it?
Is going after something you want, worth everything you can see and know you will lose in the process?
Is it worth taking the risk to be called a fuck-up once again?
I have lost so much in my life. I lost my mother who I haven’t seen in almost 10 years, and haven’t spoken too in about 6 months, not even a birthday card. I’ve pretty much lost my father, as his new step children and step mother are now his life. We do talk but mostly it’s nothing but fighting, but I know my father HE WILL NOT SUPPORT THIS. He never supported me going to college for TV production, and he was right, it was a waste of time.
My relatives? I don’t know , I don’t see them jumping up and down when Dawn and I eventually tell them, so I’m sure we will lose some if not most of them, then it comes to my friends.
My friends, there are a few that would probably worry, but would be ok with it if not totally supportive, the others I don’t seem them continuing the friendship with me if we do this. I see them not believing in me, I see them laughing at me and my decision, I can even go as far as saying I seem being ashamed of me…Embarassed by me and the decision.
So as I look out at the two roads, I see the sacrifices line up and I just don’t know what to do.
I’m tired of losing people in my life because of stupid reasons, but on the other hand I’m tired of giving up things because other people don’t like it.
Honestly, it’s not just the sacrifices that scare me. I’m afraid I can’t do it. What if I suck? I refuse to fuck-up again and If I do this and basically suck, well let’s add that to a list of my failures. I can’t take that heart break again, it was hard enough when I realized that TV Production was something I sucked at, after putting in so much time and hard work.
I know it will be hard work, and pain and determination, but what else am I made of? I want it so bad, I envision it. I watch in my dreams as I wrap my fingers around my “gold belt”. I watch in my dreams as I live MY “Jeff Hardy Moment”. I look out during that moment, I see my sister in my corner cheering me on, but the thing is when I look out, over the sea of people I see no one who’s important to me (besides my sister) cheering me on? Whats the point of achieving your goals if no one in your life sees it as important as you do?
I just want to be proud of myself. I want to achieve my dreams, but I don’t want to lose everything. I don’t want to give up my dreams, but how do I know It’s the right decision?
A coworkers of mine asked if I was scared of doing it, and yeah I’ll admit it…I’m scared, but the thing is I’m scared of fucking up once again in my life…
I don’t expect everyone to post something here to tell me the right thing to do, but no one seems to be able to give me any advice. I just want to be proud of myself, look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person looking back at me.
If I do this, finishing the school isn’t gonna make me proud of myself. I won’t be proud until I have my prize, my “title belt”. The truth is even if I do the school I could end up going through life and never be able to get my “title”. So then what? I live my life in total disappointment? Or better yet if I get my “title” everyone will already be out of my life so there will be no one to celebrate with or even be proud of me.
Is that better than not doing the dream at all? I’m not afraid of the hard work, I’m not afraid of getting hurt, I’m afraid of fucking up again and everyone will see it again that I fucked up and I can’t take that again.
Maybe my dad was right when I was a kid, and he said “Fat girls aren’t ***********”, “Tall Freaks will never be *********”, “Only pretty people get to be **********”. Maybe I should just give up, and live with my dead end job. I can’t…I can’t be happy with it but….this dream will not die.
To be honest I wish it would, I just want to rest I just want to know what the right choice is. I don’t want to fuck up again period, and if I have to never try to make sure I don’t fuck up, then so be it…
I’m just so fucking confused and honestly I’m not looking a roll call of who supports me and who doesn’t. I’m not looking for people to say “Follow your dreams” or any of that other Disney shit, but if you have some useful advice let me know…call me…email me…hell even leave me a comment.
Cause I don’t know what the hell to do….