New Year's Resolutions
It's that time again. And there's a lot wracking through my lil brain right now about this...
I have a lot of problems with resolutions. This year I think is worse than most.
In the past, I've hit real glitches when I resoluted to do things that were not completely under my control (for instance, "I will get a new job by New Years." I can put out resumes, talk to people, go to an interview if invited and do my best. I can do a lot to facilitate the best possibility of this happening. But in the end, I do not have total control over it).
I've also hit problems when I make resolutions to do something based on someone else's expectations of me. I try too hard not to displease or disappoint people, because it seems to me that people wouldn't put things on my plate unless it were reasonable to expect me to do it. But this is too often not the case. Other people's expectations and demands of me are not always reasonable. And even if I do manage to meet them - even if they aren't - it seems that many people see that as a go-ahead to keep raising the bar to find out where my breaking point is.
Still tryin' to keep the "Serenity Prayer" in mind. And yeah - it's a lil "someone else's religion" for me, but the idea behind it is sound.
It's not that I have a "God Complex". I don't think people should act in ways I "approve of" or "allow", and I don't judge an awful lot. However I do tend to take on too much responsibility for something just because it's in my reality. For instance when the guy at work was threatening me, I told myself that he was reacting to me, and if I just found the right way to act, everything would diffuse. But sometimes people are just violent dicks and I can't change that.
Another thing to consider is that I don't know what the future holds. A lot of things seem to be on the pinacle of potential flux right now. So whatever I choose to spend my energy on, I want it to be useful despite what may/may not come along. Applicable to pretty much any situation.
Furthermore, there are a few things I really wanted to tackle in '05 that I took on early, and pretty much completed. And that threw me into a tailspin, too. 'Cause I didn't know how/where to divert my attention to make sure that I'm still making progress that falls into my criteria.
So. I'm jugglin' this about...
As I said elsewhere (in case anyone here saw it) I have a World Lit class next semester. For the past 7 damned years, I've made a resolution to use the speed-reading book I have and learn to do that, but never have. No time like that class.
Also, I have to take the math placement and get out of algebra (hopefully) without payin' for the credits again. And get ready and take the CLEP, which with luck will get me outa 3or6 English Composition credits for $65 rather than $450 x 3or6. I resolve to take that in June.
I've already implimented all the changes to my diet I'm willing to. I'm in a pattern I like, and will continue that. And I'd planned to start exercise for New Years, but got a bit chomp-at-the-bitty and began last month. By New Years I should already be seeing a good bit of progress there, so I'll keep that up. I've decided I'll get a few videos and learn to dance to expand that.
Also already started working on a "meditation" type of program, to better deal with stress/fatigue/pain/anxiety. So far it ain't showin' much promise. That'll be somewhere to tweak.
One of the big things, though, is to vow to stop allowing situations where I end up feeling resentful and taken advantage of. Which I've started, too, but it's a hard one. 'Cause I got a serious "helpful" "kind" thing goin' on - read "I should always be..." - and it's hard for me to find something I can accept that doesn't disturb my chi on either side of that. But we're trying. Taking me a bit of flippin' back-and-forth and wishy-washiness to decide how I'm gonna handle things at times, but we'll find a happy medium eventually and soon asserting myself will become ol' hat again. It's gonna be hard to do, though, until I get outa this job. Lil worried about opening the flood-gates. There was a reason I drove back any evidence of assertiveness... But that will come. For now, I just have to choose my weapons and battles carefully, but begin to fight for my personality back.
This is going to be quite a weird year coming up...
I have a lot of problems with resolutions. This year I think is worse than most.
In the past, I've hit real glitches when I resoluted to do things that were not completely under my control (for instance, "I will get a new job by New Years." I can put out resumes, talk to people, go to an interview if invited and do my best. I can do a lot to facilitate the best possibility of this happening. But in the end, I do not have total control over it).
I've also hit problems when I make resolutions to do something based on someone else's expectations of me. I try too hard not to displease or disappoint people, because it seems to me that people wouldn't put things on my plate unless it were reasonable to expect me to do it. But this is too often not the case. Other people's expectations and demands of me are not always reasonable. And even if I do manage to meet them - even if they aren't - it seems that many people see that as a go-ahead to keep raising the bar to find out where my breaking point is.
Still tryin' to keep the "Serenity Prayer" in mind. And yeah - it's a lil "someone else's religion" for me, but the idea behind it is sound.
It's not that I have a "God Complex". I don't think people should act in ways I "approve of" or "allow", and I don't judge an awful lot. However I do tend to take on too much responsibility for something just because it's in my reality. For instance when the guy at work was threatening me, I told myself that he was reacting to me, and if I just found the right way to act, everything would diffuse. But sometimes people are just violent dicks and I can't change that.
Another thing to consider is that I don't know what the future holds. A lot of things seem to be on the pinacle of potential flux right now. So whatever I choose to spend my energy on, I want it to be useful despite what may/may not come along. Applicable to pretty much any situation.
Furthermore, there are a few things I really wanted to tackle in '05 that I took on early, and pretty much completed. And that threw me into a tailspin, too. 'Cause I didn't know how/where to divert my attention to make sure that I'm still making progress that falls into my criteria.
So. I'm jugglin' this about...
As I said elsewhere (in case anyone here saw it) I have a World Lit class next semester. For the past 7 damned years, I've made a resolution to use the speed-reading book I have and learn to do that, but never have. No time like that class.
Also, I have to take the math placement and get out of algebra (hopefully) without payin' for the credits again. And get ready and take the CLEP, which with luck will get me outa 3or6 English Composition credits for $65 rather than $450 x 3or6. I resolve to take that in June.
I've already implimented all the changes to my diet I'm willing to. I'm in a pattern I like, and will continue that. And I'd planned to start exercise for New Years, but got a bit chomp-at-the-bitty and began last month. By New Years I should already be seeing a good bit of progress there, so I'll keep that up. I've decided I'll get a few videos and learn to dance to expand that.
Also already started working on a "meditation" type of program, to better deal with stress/fatigue/pain/anxiety. So far it ain't showin' much promise. That'll be somewhere to tweak.
One of the big things, though, is to vow to stop allowing situations where I end up feeling resentful and taken advantage of. Which I've started, too, but it's a hard one. 'Cause I got a serious "helpful" "kind" thing goin' on - read "I should always be..." - and it's hard for me to find something I can accept that doesn't disturb my chi on either side of that. But we're trying. Taking me a bit of flippin' back-and-forth and wishy-washiness to decide how I'm gonna handle things at times, but we'll find a happy medium eventually and soon asserting myself will become ol' hat again. It's gonna be hard to do, though, until I get outa this job. Lil worried about opening the flood-gates. There was a reason I drove back any evidence of assertiveness... But that will come. For now, I just have to choose my weapons and battles carefully, but begin to fight for my personality back.
This is going to be quite a weird year coming up...