Fic!
Title: Talk
Author: Melusine
Beta: toshimalfoy
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Wolfram/Yuuri
Spoilers: Through season 2.
Disclaimer: Kyou Kara Maou! and related characters, situations, etc. belong to Tomo Takabayashi and various other people/companies, none of whom are me. This is a fan work; no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Part: 1/3
Summary: Wolfram wants to keep Yuuri, but Yuuri wants to be straight.
Part One
I.
"We'll never be able to have children," said Yuuri quietly. He was staring into the fireplace before him, leaning back against Wolfram.
Wolfram said nothing, only tightening his arm around his fiancé's waist, enjoying the feel of their naked bodies together while he could. Because Yuuri always chose times like this to say things like that, and it always left Wolfram afraid that he'd just seen Yuuri come for the last time.
"Of our own, I mean," Yuuri went on. "Greta is ours. Greta is perfect." Another pause, and the fire popped. "But she'll leave us soon."
Wolfram kissed Yuuri's neck-- They both dreaded the day when Greta would marry and go off to live her own life. Wolfram had suggested they never allow her to court anyone at all, let alone marry, but that had been deemed "overprotective".
Yuuri's hands wrapped around the arm at his waist. "I just always thought..." A long pause. "... that I would have a kid of my own. You know. A little baby that I helped make." He turned his head to look at Wolfram. "It isn't fair," he whispered.
Wolfram hid his face behind Yuuri's shoulder, pressed against the soft skin, still damp with sweat from only minutes ago. Yuuri did this almost every time-- barely space to catch their breath before he was listing reasons they shouldn't get married.
"If you want," said Wolfram slowly, "you could... If it means that much to you to sire a child, then... One night would..."
He could feel Yuuri shaking his head. "I don't want to sleep with anyone else, Wolfram. And if we could have a child I would want it to be both of ours."
Wolfram sighed, half in relief and half in exasperation. "Well, I'm sorry, Yuuri, but I don't think we can get each other pregnant."
"But that's exactly what I'm saying," said Yuuri, volume rising slightly. "I'm saying we can't and it's not fair. I don't get to make a baby with the person I love because I love the wrong kind of person." There were tears in his voice now, and so Wolfram lifted his head to kiss him. Yuuri kissed him back desperately and with growing force, clinging, and sobbing only occasionally into Wolfram's mouth.
Wolfram still couldn't understand all these hesitations Yuuri had, why it was so hard for him just to think about their future together, no matter how much Yuuri tried to explain. He couldn't shake the feeling that Yuuri was just making excuse-- It was still hard to believe, after all, that Yuuri loved him back.
But it was clear that Yuuri was truly hurting, and Wolfram wanted more than anything to be able to comfort him. So he licked Yuuri's neck and sucked on his ear and stroked him slowly while Yuuri gasped and muttered, over and over again, "It's not fair-- It's not fair--"
II.
Up until it all started-- a matter of months, coming on a year now-- Wolfram had seen Yuuri cry only a handful of times over all the years of their long engagement. Then he'd cried after the first time he'd made Wolfram come with his mouth. Then again, though much less violently, after the first time they'd had sex. Now it happened more and more often-- when he talked about the future, or when Wolfram said he was tired of keeping the relationship a secret from everyone else.
"I can't," he would say, shaking his head and tearing up. "I'm really sorry. I just can't."
He'd stopped saying "not yet" or "I'm not ready". He'd stopped promising that things would change. Wolfram noticed this, but didn't bring it up. And he stopped asking when they were going to get married, because he was increasingly afraid of Yuuri's answer.
Yuuri wasn't happy. Everyone could see it. And Wolfram, however unintentionally, was the cause. He hated it. So he tried to make it easier on the wimp, respecting his wish for secrecy, not pushing when he knew Yuuri was holding back from him, and, at every chance he got, making Yuuri feel so good that he forgot about everything else.
Sometimes it worked. Sometimes Yuuri would laugh at Wolfram's breath in his ear, grin smugly at the way he could make Wolfram groan, or simply move so unabashedly and helplessly that it was clear he was lost in the heat and all the world consisted of nothing but their two bodies. But sometimes Yuuri just couldn't let himself go. Sometimes he couldn't even finish, no matter what Wolfram did.
It made Wolfram feel inadequate. Yuuri was bored of him already.
But there was one thing they hadn't tried. Wolfram had had Yuuri in almost every way he could think of-- on top, beneath, behind...-- but the roles were never reversed. And as much as Wolfram loved being inside Yuuri, the heat and closeness that was so good it almost undid him right away every time, he also wanted to know what Yuuri felt, and he wanted Yuuri to feel what Wolfram did.
So one night, when he had failed again to make Yuuri come, Wolfram said, "You know, there's something else we could do."
Yuuri buried his face in the pillow. "I'm just tired," he sighed. "I'm sorry."
"Not tonight, then." Wolfram kissed Yuuri's shoulder. "But sometime."
His fiancé moved his head just enough to look at him with one eye, the other still pressed into the pillow. "So what is it?" he asked.
Wolfram swallowed. He didn't like having to talk about this kind of thing out loud. "We could do it the other way around." He watched what he could see of Yuuri's face. "Haven't you ever thought about it?"
Yuuri was silent for a long time. Then he said, "I couldn't do that."
"Why not?" Wolfram whispered, hoping his face didn't betray his fear-- the same fear that was starting to accompany all his private conversations with Yuuri.
"Because I might hurt you."
Wolfram's eyes widened. "What? Do I hurt you? Yuuri--"
"No, no." Yuuri was shaking his head. "Of course not. But what if I messed up? I'm not as good as you at stuff like that. I get carried away..."
"Wimp." Wolfram smiled. "If that's what you're scared of, then I'll just be on top."
He saw a blush creep up on Yuuri's cheeks as the boy shook his head again. "I can't," he mumbled, and turned his face into the pillow once more.
There was that fear again, but stronger and turning rapidly into anger. "Why?" Wolfram asked quietly.
"I don't know," came Yuuri's voice, muffled with the pillow and thick with the beginnings of tears. "I don't know."
For some minutes there was silence except for Yuuri's quiet weeping. Then Wolfram said, "I do."
Yuuri lifted his head to look fearfully at him as Wolfram got out of bed, but he said nothing.
"You're saving yourself," said Wolfram. "Aren't you?" He pulled his bathrobe violently from its hook. "So that you can tell some girl that she's the only one you've ever shoved your cock into--"
"Wolfram!" Yuuri was sitting up now, and covering his ears. "How can you say that?" he choked. "You know I love you. I love you!"
Wolfram was tying his robe and didn't look up. "The more you say that," he said evenly, "the less it means anything."
And he left without looking back at Yuuri.
He sat at the side of the bath with only his feet in the water as he tried to cool his head. It had been a long time since he'd yelled at Yuuri like that. It had been a long time since he'd done anything that wasn't directly aimed at pleasing Yuuri.
He wasn't allowed much time to calm down, however, before Yuuri followed him.
Wolfram looked away as his fiancé sat down next to him.
"It's not that I'm bored or anything," Yuuri said slowly. "You can make me feel..." He trailed off.
"But only when you let me," said Wolfram quietly, still not looking at him.
"Yeah." He paused. "The thing is... When I don't... It's not about you. It's because I'm thinking about someone else."
"What?" Wolfram whipped his head around to stare. He was too shocked and horrified even for anger, though he knew it wasn't far off.
"If I let myself think about you, that's when it works, and I can... I can finish. But if I try to think about... anyone else, I don't feel anything."
"WHY are you thinking about other people?" Wolfram yelled.
"Because!" Yuuri yelled back. "I was fifteen when I met you and I've never been with anyone else!"
"So you want to?"
"NO!" Yuuri burst into tears yet again. "I don't. But I should."
"Why?" Wolfram screamed, and grabbed Yuuri by the hair and shook him. "Why am I not good enough? What is so wrong with me that you have to hate yourself for loving me?"
Yuuri had to gasp for air before answering.
"You're a boy."
III.
Wolfram could always tell when Yuuri was going to use his mouth. It was a certain look-- a deep hunger in his eyes. Just that look made Wolfram flush and his cock grow hard. This time was no exception.
It was the middle of the day, so Wolfram went over to lock the study door. Before he even turned around, Yuuri had his hands in Wolfram's hair and was kissing the back of his neck. "I love you," he whispered into Wolfram's ear. "I mean it." After a short pause, he added, "No one else."
Wolfram made a happy noise as Yuuri licked his ear with an eager tongue that would soon be doing other wonderful things... He turned around to meet Yuuri's mouth, taking a moment to love this-- Yuuri, his lips, the heat rising in his own body, and the anticipation of what was to come.
They hadn't done anything like this in weeks. They hadn't exactly been fighting, and they hadn't exactly made up, but enough time had passed for Yuuri to give up on trying to make up his mind and Wolfram to give up on waiting to hear that he had. Enough time that now Yuuri was already undoing Wolfram's belt.
"Slow down, Wimp," Wolfram breathed, though he bucked into the touch in spite of himself.
Yuuri groaned in response. "Don't want to." And he sank to his knees.
So Wolfram gave in. He knotted his hands in dark hair and watched Yuuri nuzzle his cock, kiss it, lick it, and finally take it into his hot mouth with a little sound that made Wolfram tighten his fists and close his eyes-- but just for a moment, because he wanted to see-- he wanted to see how long it would take Yuuri this time to give in--
It was happening already-- Yuuri was holding Wolfram with his left hand, working where he couldn't reach with his mouth, but his right hand had drifted down to his own crotch, pressing and rubbing over the fabric of his pants.
"Yuuri," Wolfram moaned, and it worked-- Yuuri sucked harder, and, with a small whimper, managed to undo his own pants enough to free his erection so he could work himself at the same time.
Wolfram loved it. Not just the drawing heat, or watching his fiancé touch himself, but how much Yuuri wanted all of this-- all of him-- and knowing he was making Yuuri happy, if only for a moment.
Yuuri was starting to get sloppy. Wolfram flinched at a brush of teeth. But that was more than alright because it was just a symptom of Yuuri's excitement. And when Yuuri paused in stroking himself, Wolfram knew it was because he was too close to coming and losing control with a very vulnerable part of Wolfram between his jaws.
Which meant Wolfram had done his part in turning Yuuri on, and now he could let himself go as the mouth around his cock began to move more evenly again. Yuuri finished it when he flicked his tongue across the slit, making Wolfram nearly double over as he came.
Yuuri took his mouth away almost at once and rested his forehead against Wolfram's inner thigh while he finished himself with just a few hurried strokes. And he stayed there as Wolfram straightened up and they both tried to catch their breath.
Minutes later, neither had moved, except that Wolfram had started running his fingers through Yuuri's hair.
"I like doing that," said Yuuri finally.
Wolfram smirked down at the top of his head. "I know."
Yuuri heaved a sigh. "I am so fucking gay," he said.
Wolfram's hands went still in his fiancé's hair. He'd never heard Yuuri swear so badly before. But more important was the sentiment-- was it acceptance? Or a more determined self-hatred? He made Yuuri move so that he could kneel with him.
He took Yuuri's face in his hands (was that sweat or tears on his cheeks?) and said, "So am I." Yuuri smiled faintly, but sadly, and avoided his eyes. "And if you hate yourself for it," Wolfram went on, "does that mean you hate me, too?"
Yuuri looked at him quickly, eyes wide. "No," he said. "Wolfram, believe me-- No. I... You're the reason it might be okay." He licked his lips nervously. "And when it's just us-- If it could just be you and me-- But then I remember everything else, and... and other people... and sometimes I think I'm not-- I can't be-- And... That's why I'm still not sure. And I'm so sorry. I just can't-- I don't even know how you're supposed to know if you're..." He trailed off and looked down at his hands.
"Gay?" Wolfram finished for him. Yuuri nodded. "But you just said you were! I--" Wolfram took a breath, trying to keep his frustration from welling up into anger.
"I did say that, didn't I?" Tears leaked down Yuuri's face and dripped from his chin. "... I don't know." Another pause. "I mean, maybe... maybe it's just you. And if..."
When it became clear he wasn't going to finish his sentence, Wolfram finished it for him. "If you get rid of me then maybe you could be 'normal'?"
Yuuri covered his face with his hands and started to shake. So Wolfram wrapped his arms around his fiancé and squeezed as tightly as he dared.
"I'll go," said Wolfram, with difficulty. "You can't be happy with me. I'll go and you can have everything you want."
It was just words. Wolfram wasn't sure he would ever have the strength to walk away.
Wolfram realized that Yuuri was trying to speak against his chest, so he loosened his hold. Yuuri raised his head, and Wolfram almost cried, too, because Yuuri had bitten his bottom lip so badly there was blood running down his chin.
"...no, no, no..." Yuuri was saying, shaking his head. "I don't want you to go."
Wolfram felt a rush of warmth at the reassurance.
But then Yuuri said, "I'm not ready to let you go. I still don't know yet. I don't know!" He paused to breathe. "And I know I never make any sense and I don't know what I want and I must hurt you all the time-- and I'm so sorry for that-- I'm so sorry-- I'm sorry--" His words dissolved back into sobs, which he tried to quell by biting his lip again.
"Hey," said Wolfram, and reached out to grab Yuuri's chin. "Stop it. I like that mouth." Yuuri obeyed with a gasping sob. "And don't waste time being sorry. Just make up your damn mind before it kills me."
Yuuri looked at him for a long time, then slowly nodded.
IV.
Yuuri stared up at the ceiling of his childhood bedroom and said, "I don't think I'll ever be able to tell my family." It was quiet, almost a whisper. "I used to think I could, that I just needed time. But..." He sniffed. "I'm such a coward."
Wolfram moved closer on the small bed and rested his head on Yuuri's shoulder, watching his fiancé's chest move up and down-- still steady, for now. "I don't understand," he said for the millionth time. "What are you afraid of? Why wouldn't they want you to be happy?"
"They do want me to be happy," Yuuri said dully. "That's why they would be disappointed. And I've waited so long now they'll think I don't trust them. Which maybe I don't. I don't know. And it's... I don't know... It's just so embarrassing!" He put a hand over his eyes and for a little while there was silence.
Finally, Wolfram said, "You're ashamed of me--"
"No!" said Yuuri quickly, with a frustrated huff. "I'm ashamed of myself... For so many reasons... and I don't even know what all of them are. Wolf..." He shifted and brought one hand to Wolfram's face, making him look up.
Yuuri looked so sad. And his expression grew sadder still as he searched Wolfram's face in the dim light from the streetlamps outside. "Don't look like that," he whispered.
Wolfram smiled. "Like what?"
"Like I'm trying to hurt you. I... I'm just trying to explain. I'm telling you the best I can-- just like I said I would in the beginning. I want-- I'm being as honest as I can." After a moment, he added, "Don't you ever... have doubts or anything?"
Wolfram thought carefully. "You mean that we should get married? No."
"Oh." Yuuri let his head fall back against the pillow. "I'm just a wimp, then."
"Mmm," Wolfram agreed. He propped himself up slightly so that he could kiss Yuuri's neck. "My wimp." He bit.
Yuuri squirmed but didn't protest. Instead, he brought a hand up to Wolfram's hair. "Right now," he whispered, "I don't have any doubts, either. I know that I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Right now, I'm sure we could be happy." His voice broke.
Wolfram kissed him. "So marry me. Just say you will. And tomorrow when you start to think about taking it back I won't let you." Another kiss. "Please. You know it's the right decision."
Yuuri was shaking his head. Crying. "The right decision is to make sure I decide for good." He paused to gasp for breath through his tears, still holding on to Wolfram. Finally, he said, "I don't think I can do that with you around."
V.
But Wolfram was still living in the castle and sleeping in Yuuri's bed three weeks later. They had decided that Wolfram shouldn't leave while Greta still lived with them, and Yuuri seemed to feel somewhat better now that he had decided not to decide anything until that time. For now, they filled any time alone they got with sex and hardly spoke at all.
Yuuri cried a lot less.
He didn't even cry when the day came that Greta announced her own engagement. Too shocked, perhaps, for tears.
"So are you disappointed, then?" Wolfram asked him that night.
Yuuri took a long time before answering. "Yeah."
"Why?"
"Because I wanted better for her. And I just didn't think she..." He trailed off as something seemed to occur to him. "Wolfram, we let them have sleepovers!"
Wolfram sighed. "Beatrice always had her own bed." Then he caught Yuuri's eye. "Promise me you won't try to talk them out of it."
"How can I not? I don't think she understands--"
"She understands a lot more than you do about the way things are in this world, Yuuri. All you would be doing would be showing her that you don't trust her to make her own decisions, and exposing your own ignorance. And you would probably cry." When Yuuri looked away, Wolfram sighed again and reached out to cup his cheek. "She's going to be happy. Alright? Whatever imagined problems and prejudice and guilt you have-- none of that applies to her. She's marrying the person she loves, and that's all there is to it."
"I'm sorry, Wolfram," said Yuuri, because they weren't just talking about Greta anymore. "I wish I could do that--"
"You can!" Wolfram almost screamed at him, and Yuuri flinched, the first few tears appearing on his face. "You're just too stupid to see it!"
"It's not that simple."
"Yes, it is. Sometimes I think you're just trying to make yourself unhappy."
There was a moment's silence, in which Yuuri sniffed and rubbed his face a lot.
Finally, Yuuri said, "You have to go. You have to leave when she does. You have to go."
VI.
"You did this on purpose." There was no emotion in Yuuri's voice, but his expression was despairing as he stood in front of the mirror, fingering the marks Wolfram had left the night before. Bright and visible on his neck. "Is this your revenge?"
Wolfram chose not to answer. He was packing his trunk for the carriage ride that afternoon that would take him to Belefield and away from Yuuri. Greta had left just the day before for her new home in Cabalcade. No more excuses for him to stay.
"Wolfram."
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
Wolfram growled and kicked his trunk. It slid halfway across the room. "Do you think that helps? That you're sorry?"
He had somehow thought, this whole time, that Yuuri would change his mind again, beg him to stay. But now the day was here and Yuuri was sorry.
"I don't know what else to say," said Yuuri.
Say you don't want me to go.
"Don't say anything," said Wolfram evenly. "Don't talk to me."
But after a few minutes of standing, dry-eyed, in silence as Wolfram started packing again, Yuuri said, "I love you."
Wolfram looked up at him and snarled, "I know!" He gave his trunk another kick, this time causing it to slam shut with a bang. "And you can't change that!" He started towards Yuuri. "Sending me away won't make any difference. No-- the difference will be that you'll be miserable without me. You're not going to forget about me. You're not going to fall in love with someone else." He grabbed Yuuri by the shoulders-- half in anger and half just to touch him, one last time-- and growled. "You'll never find anyone as good as me. You'll never find anyone who can take care of you like I do. And you'll never find anyone who can make you feel as good as I do."
Yuuri stared at him and swallowed. "You have to go," he said.
"You're an idiot," said Wolfram, and released him with a shove.
The servants could take care of the rest of his things.
"Goodbye, Wolfram," said Yuuri quietly as Wolfram was leaving. Wolfram heard but didn't reply.
Author: Melusine
Beta: toshimalfoy
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Wolfram/Yuuri
Spoilers: Through season 2.
Disclaimer: Kyou Kara Maou! and related characters, situations, etc. belong to Tomo Takabayashi and various other people/companies, none of whom are me. This is a fan work; no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Part: 1/3
Summary: Wolfram wants to keep Yuuri, but Yuuri wants to be straight.
Part One
I.
"We'll never be able to have children," said Yuuri quietly. He was staring into the fireplace before him, leaning back against Wolfram.
Wolfram said nothing, only tightening his arm around his fiancé's waist, enjoying the feel of their naked bodies together while he could. Because Yuuri always chose times like this to say things like that, and it always left Wolfram afraid that he'd just seen Yuuri come for the last time.
"Of our own, I mean," Yuuri went on. "Greta is ours. Greta is perfect." Another pause, and the fire popped. "But she'll leave us soon."
Wolfram kissed Yuuri's neck-- They both dreaded the day when Greta would marry and go off to live her own life. Wolfram had suggested they never allow her to court anyone at all, let alone marry, but that had been deemed "overprotective".
Yuuri's hands wrapped around the arm at his waist. "I just always thought..." A long pause. "... that I would have a kid of my own. You know. A little baby that I helped make." He turned his head to look at Wolfram. "It isn't fair," he whispered.
Wolfram hid his face behind Yuuri's shoulder, pressed against the soft skin, still damp with sweat from only minutes ago. Yuuri did this almost every time-- barely space to catch their breath before he was listing reasons they shouldn't get married.
"If you want," said Wolfram slowly, "you could... If it means that much to you to sire a child, then... One night would..."
He could feel Yuuri shaking his head. "I don't want to sleep with anyone else, Wolfram. And if we could have a child I would want it to be both of ours."
Wolfram sighed, half in relief and half in exasperation. "Well, I'm sorry, Yuuri, but I don't think we can get each other pregnant."
"But that's exactly what I'm saying," said Yuuri, volume rising slightly. "I'm saying we can't and it's not fair. I don't get to make a baby with the person I love because I love the wrong kind of person." There were tears in his voice now, and so Wolfram lifted his head to kiss him. Yuuri kissed him back desperately and with growing force, clinging, and sobbing only occasionally into Wolfram's mouth.
Wolfram still couldn't understand all these hesitations Yuuri had, why it was so hard for him just to think about their future together, no matter how much Yuuri tried to explain. He couldn't shake the feeling that Yuuri was just making excuse-- It was still hard to believe, after all, that Yuuri loved him back.
But it was clear that Yuuri was truly hurting, and Wolfram wanted more than anything to be able to comfort him. So he licked Yuuri's neck and sucked on his ear and stroked him slowly while Yuuri gasped and muttered, over and over again, "It's not fair-- It's not fair--"
II.
Up until it all started-- a matter of months, coming on a year now-- Wolfram had seen Yuuri cry only a handful of times over all the years of their long engagement. Then he'd cried after the first time he'd made Wolfram come with his mouth. Then again, though much less violently, after the first time they'd had sex. Now it happened more and more often-- when he talked about the future, or when Wolfram said he was tired of keeping the relationship a secret from everyone else.
"I can't," he would say, shaking his head and tearing up. "I'm really sorry. I just can't."
He'd stopped saying "not yet" or "I'm not ready". He'd stopped promising that things would change. Wolfram noticed this, but didn't bring it up. And he stopped asking when they were going to get married, because he was increasingly afraid of Yuuri's answer.
Yuuri wasn't happy. Everyone could see it. And Wolfram, however unintentionally, was the cause. He hated it. So he tried to make it easier on the wimp, respecting his wish for secrecy, not pushing when he knew Yuuri was holding back from him, and, at every chance he got, making Yuuri feel so good that he forgot about everything else.
Sometimes it worked. Sometimes Yuuri would laugh at Wolfram's breath in his ear, grin smugly at the way he could make Wolfram groan, or simply move so unabashedly and helplessly that it was clear he was lost in the heat and all the world consisted of nothing but their two bodies. But sometimes Yuuri just couldn't let himself go. Sometimes he couldn't even finish, no matter what Wolfram did.
It made Wolfram feel inadequate. Yuuri was bored of him already.
But there was one thing they hadn't tried. Wolfram had had Yuuri in almost every way he could think of-- on top, beneath, behind...-- but the roles were never reversed. And as much as Wolfram loved being inside Yuuri, the heat and closeness that was so good it almost undid him right away every time, he also wanted to know what Yuuri felt, and he wanted Yuuri to feel what Wolfram did.
So one night, when he had failed again to make Yuuri come, Wolfram said, "You know, there's something else we could do."
Yuuri buried his face in the pillow. "I'm just tired," he sighed. "I'm sorry."
"Not tonight, then." Wolfram kissed Yuuri's shoulder. "But sometime."
His fiancé moved his head just enough to look at him with one eye, the other still pressed into the pillow. "So what is it?" he asked.
Wolfram swallowed. He didn't like having to talk about this kind of thing out loud. "We could do it the other way around." He watched what he could see of Yuuri's face. "Haven't you ever thought about it?"
Yuuri was silent for a long time. Then he said, "I couldn't do that."
"Why not?" Wolfram whispered, hoping his face didn't betray his fear-- the same fear that was starting to accompany all his private conversations with Yuuri.
"Because I might hurt you."
Wolfram's eyes widened. "What? Do I hurt you? Yuuri--"
"No, no." Yuuri was shaking his head. "Of course not. But what if I messed up? I'm not as good as you at stuff like that. I get carried away..."
"Wimp." Wolfram smiled. "If that's what you're scared of, then I'll just be on top."
He saw a blush creep up on Yuuri's cheeks as the boy shook his head again. "I can't," he mumbled, and turned his face into the pillow once more.
There was that fear again, but stronger and turning rapidly into anger. "Why?" Wolfram asked quietly.
"I don't know," came Yuuri's voice, muffled with the pillow and thick with the beginnings of tears. "I don't know."
For some minutes there was silence except for Yuuri's quiet weeping. Then Wolfram said, "I do."
Yuuri lifted his head to look fearfully at him as Wolfram got out of bed, but he said nothing.
"You're saving yourself," said Wolfram. "Aren't you?" He pulled his bathrobe violently from its hook. "So that you can tell some girl that she's the only one you've ever shoved your cock into--"
"Wolfram!" Yuuri was sitting up now, and covering his ears. "How can you say that?" he choked. "You know I love you. I love you!"
Wolfram was tying his robe and didn't look up. "The more you say that," he said evenly, "the less it means anything."
And he left without looking back at Yuuri.
He sat at the side of the bath with only his feet in the water as he tried to cool his head. It had been a long time since he'd yelled at Yuuri like that. It had been a long time since he'd done anything that wasn't directly aimed at pleasing Yuuri.
He wasn't allowed much time to calm down, however, before Yuuri followed him.
Wolfram looked away as his fiancé sat down next to him.
"It's not that I'm bored or anything," Yuuri said slowly. "You can make me feel..." He trailed off.
"But only when you let me," said Wolfram quietly, still not looking at him.
"Yeah." He paused. "The thing is... When I don't... It's not about you. It's because I'm thinking about someone else."
"What?" Wolfram whipped his head around to stare. He was too shocked and horrified even for anger, though he knew it wasn't far off.
"If I let myself think about you, that's when it works, and I can... I can finish. But if I try to think about... anyone else, I don't feel anything."
"WHY are you thinking about other people?" Wolfram yelled.
"Because!" Yuuri yelled back. "I was fifteen when I met you and I've never been with anyone else!"
"So you want to?"
"NO!" Yuuri burst into tears yet again. "I don't. But I should."
"Why?" Wolfram screamed, and grabbed Yuuri by the hair and shook him. "Why am I not good enough? What is so wrong with me that you have to hate yourself for loving me?"
Yuuri had to gasp for air before answering.
"You're a boy."
III.
Wolfram could always tell when Yuuri was going to use his mouth. It was a certain look-- a deep hunger in his eyes. Just that look made Wolfram flush and his cock grow hard. This time was no exception.
It was the middle of the day, so Wolfram went over to lock the study door. Before he even turned around, Yuuri had his hands in Wolfram's hair and was kissing the back of his neck. "I love you," he whispered into Wolfram's ear. "I mean it." After a short pause, he added, "No one else."
Wolfram made a happy noise as Yuuri licked his ear with an eager tongue that would soon be doing other wonderful things... He turned around to meet Yuuri's mouth, taking a moment to love this-- Yuuri, his lips, the heat rising in his own body, and the anticipation of what was to come.
They hadn't done anything like this in weeks. They hadn't exactly been fighting, and they hadn't exactly made up, but enough time had passed for Yuuri to give up on trying to make up his mind and Wolfram to give up on waiting to hear that he had. Enough time that now Yuuri was already undoing Wolfram's belt.
"Slow down, Wimp," Wolfram breathed, though he bucked into the touch in spite of himself.
Yuuri groaned in response. "Don't want to." And he sank to his knees.
So Wolfram gave in. He knotted his hands in dark hair and watched Yuuri nuzzle his cock, kiss it, lick it, and finally take it into his hot mouth with a little sound that made Wolfram tighten his fists and close his eyes-- but just for a moment, because he wanted to see-- he wanted to see how long it would take Yuuri this time to give in--
It was happening already-- Yuuri was holding Wolfram with his left hand, working where he couldn't reach with his mouth, but his right hand had drifted down to his own crotch, pressing and rubbing over the fabric of his pants.
"Yuuri," Wolfram moaned, and it worked-- Yuuri sucked harder, and, with a small whimper, managed to undo his own pants enough to free his erection so he could work himself at the same time.
Wolfram loved it. Not just the drawing heat, or watching his fiancé touch himself, but how much Yuuri wanted all of this-- all of him-- and knowing he was making Yuuri happy, if only for a moment.
Yuuri was starting to get sloppy. Wolfram flinched at a brush of teeth. But that was more than alright because it was just a symptom of Yuuri's excitement. And when Yuuri paused in stroking himself, Wolfram knew it was because he was too close to coming and losing control with a very vulnerable part of Wolfram between his jaws.
Which meant Wolfram had done his part in turning Yuuri on, and now he could let himself go as the mouth around his cock began to move more evenly again. Yuuri finished it when he flicked his tongue across the slit, making Wolfram nearly double over as he came.
Yuuri took his mouth away almost at once and rested his forehead against Wolfram's inner thigh while he finished himself with just a few hurried strokes. And he stayed there as Wolfram straightened up and they both tried to catch their breath.
Minutes later, neither had moved, except that Wolfram had started running his fingers through Yuuri's hair.
"I like doing that," said Yuuri finally.
Wolfram smirked down at the top of his head. "I know."
Yuuri heaved a sigh. "I am so fucking gay," he said.
Wolfram's hands went still in his fiancé's hair. He'd never heard Yuuri swear so badly before. But more important was the sentiment-- was it acceptance? Or a more determined self-hatred? He made Yuuri move so that he could kneel with him.
He took Yuuri's face in his hands (was that sweat or tears on his cheeks?) and said, "So am I." Yuuri smiled faintly, but sadly, and avoided his eyes. "And if you hate yourself for it," Wolfram went on, "does that mean you hate me, too?"
Yuuri looked at him quickly, eyes wide. "No," he said. "Wolfram, believe me-- No. I... You're the reason it might be okay." He licked his lips nervously. "And when it's just us-- If it could just be you and me-- But then I remember everything else, and... and other people... and sometimes I think I'm not-- I can't be-- And... That's why I'm still not sure. And I'm so sorry. I just can't-- I don't even know how you're supposed to know if you're..." He trailed off and looked down at his hands.
"Gay?" Wolfram finished for him. Yuuri nodded. "But you just said you were! I--" Wolfram took a breath, trying to keep his frustration from welling up into anger.
"I did say that, didn't I?" Tears leaked down Yuuri's face and dripped from his chin. "... I don't know." Another pause. "I mean, maybe... maybe it's just you. And if..."
When it became clear he wasn't going to finish his sentence, Wolfram finished it for him. "If you get rid of me then maybe you could be 'normal'?"
Yuuri covered his face with his hands and started to shake. So Wolfram wrapped his arms around his fiancé and squeezed as tightly as he dared.
"I'll go," said Wolfram, with difficulty. "You can't be happy with me. I'll go and you can have everything you want."
It was just words. Wolfram wasn't sure he would ever have the strength to walk away.
Wolfram realized that Yuuri was trying to speak against his chest, so he loosened his hold. Yuuri raised his head, and Wolfram almost cried, too, because Yuuri had bitten his bottom lip so badly there was blood running down his chin.
"...no, no, no..." Yuuri was saying, shaking his head. "I don't want you to go."
Wolfram felt a rush of warmth at the reassurance.
But then Yuuri said, "I'm not ready to let you go. I still don't know yet. I don't know!" He paused to breathe. "And I know I never make any sense and I don't know what I want and I must hurt you all the time-- and I'm so sorry for that-- I'm so sorry-- I'm sorry--" His words dissolved back into sobs, which he tried to quell by biting his lip again.
"Hey," said Wolfram, and reached out to grab Yuuri's chin. "Stop it. I like that mouth." Yuuri obeyed with a gasping sob. "And don't waste time being sorry. Just make up your damn mind before it kills me."
Yuuri looked at him for a long time, then slowly nodded.
IV.
Yuuri stared up at the ceiling of his childhood bedroom and said, "I don't think I'll ever be able to tell my family." It was quiet, almost a whisper. "I used to think I could, that I just needed time. But..." He sniffed. "I'm such a coward."
Wolfram moved closer on the small bed and rested his head on Yuuri's shoulder, watching his fiancé's chest move up and down-- still steady, for now. "I don't understand," he said for the millionth time. "What are you afraid of? Why wouldn't they want you to be happy?"
"They do want me to be happy," Yuuri said dully. "That's why they would be disappointed. And I've waited so long now they'll think I don't trust them. Which maybe I don't. I don't know. And it's... I don't know... It's just so embarrassing!" He put a hand over his eyes and for a little while there was silence.
Finally, Wolfram said, "You're ashamed of me--"
"No!" said Yuuri quickly, with a frustrated huff. "I'm ashamed of myself... For so many reasons... and I don't even know what all of them are. Wolf..." He shifted and brought one hand to Wolfram's face, making him look up.
Yuuri looked so sad. And his expression grew sadder still as he searched Wolfram's face in the dim light from the streetlamps outside. "Don't look like that," he whispered.
Wolfram smiled. "Like what?"
"Like I'm trying to hurt you. I... I'm just trying to explain. I'm telling you the best I can-- just like I said I would in the beginning. I want-- I'm being as honest as I can." After a moment, he added, "Don't you ever... have doubts or anything?"
Wolfram thought carefully. "You mean that we should get married? No."
"Oh." Yuuri let his head fall back against the pillow. "I'm just a wimp, then."
"Mmm," Wolfram agreed. He propped himself up slightly so that he could kiss Yuuri's neck. "My wimp." He bit.
Yuuri squirmed but didn't protest. Instead, he brought a hand up to Wolfram's hair. "Right now," he whispered, "I don't have any doubts, either. I know that I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Right now, I'm sure we could be happy." His voice broke.
Wolfram kissed him. "So marry me. Just say you will. And tomorrow when you start to think about taking it back I won't let you." Another kiss. "Please. You know it's the right decision."
Yuuri was shaking his head. Crying. "The right decision is to make sure I decide for good." He paused to gasp for breath through his tears, still holding on to Wolfram. Finally, he said, "I don't think I can do that with you around."
V.
But Wolfram was still living in the castle and sleeping in Yuuri's bed three weeks later. They had decided that Wolfram shouldn't leave while Greta still lived with them, and Yuuri seemed to feel somewhat better now that he had decided not to decide anything until that time. For now, they filled any time alone they got with sex and hardly spoke at all.
Yuuri cried a lot less.
He didn't even cry when the day came that Greta announced her own engagement. Too shocked, perhaps, for tears.
"So are you disappointed, then?" Wolfram asked him that night.
Yuuri took a long time before answering. "Yeah."
"Why?"
"Because I wanted better for her. And I just didn't think she..." He trailed off as something seemed to occur to him. "Wolfram, we let them have sleepovers!"
Wolfram sighed. "Beatrice always had her own bed." Then he caught Yuuri's eye. "Promise me you won't try to talk them out of it."
"How can I not? I don't think she understands--"
"She understands a lot more than you do about the way things are in this world, Yuuri. All you would be doing would be showing her that you don't trust her to make her own decisions, and exposing your own ignorance. And you would probably cry." When Yuuri looked away, Wolfram sighed again and reached out to cup his cheek. "She's going to be happy. Alright? Whatever imagined problems and prejudice and guilt you have-- none of that applies to her. She's marrying the person she loves, and that's all there is to it."
"I'm sorry, Wolfram," said Yuuri, because they weren't just talking about Greta anymore. "I wish I could do that--"
"You can!" Wolfram almost screamed at him, and Yuuri flinched, the first few tears appearing on his face. "You're just too stupid to see it!"
"It's not that simple."
"Yes, it is. Sometimes I think you're just trying to make yourself unhappy."
There was a moment's silence, in which Yuuri sniffed and rubbed his face a lot.
Finally, Yuuri said, "You have to go. You have to leave when she does. You have to go."
VI.
"You did this on purpose." There was no emotion in Yuuri's voice, but his expression was despairing as he stood in front of the mirror, fingering the marks Wolfram had left the night before. Bright and visible on his neck. "Is this your revenge?"
Wolfram chose not to answer. He was packing his trunk for the carriage ride that afternoon that would take him to Belefield and away from Yuuri. Greta had left just the day before for her new home in Cabalcade. No more excuses for him to stay.
"Wolfram."
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
Wolfram growled and kicked his trunk. It slid halfway across the room. "Do you think that helps? That you're sorry?"
He had somehow thought, this whole time, that Yuuri would change his mind again, beg him to stay. But now the day was here and Yuuri was sorry.
"I don't know what else to say," said Yuuri.
Say you don't want me to go.
"Don't say anything," said Wolfram evenly. "Don't talk to me."
But after a few minutes of standing, dry-eyed, in silence as Wolfram started packing again, Yuuri said, "I love you."
Wolfram looked up at him and snarled, "I know!" He gave his trunk another kick, this time causing it to slam shut with a bang. "And you can't change that!" He started towards Yuuri. "Sending me away won't make any difference. No-- the difference will be that you'll be miserable without me. You're not going to forget about me. You're not going to fall in love with someone else." He grabbed Yuuri by the shoulders-- half in anger and half just to touch him, one last time-- and growled. "You'll never find anyone as good as me. You'll never find anyone who can take care of you like I do. And you'll never find anyone who can make you feel as good as I do."
Yuuri stared at him and swallowed. "You have to go," he said.
"You're an idiot," said Wolfram, and released him with a shove.
The servants could take care of the rest of his things.
"Goodbye, Wolfram," said Yuuri quietly as Wolfram was leaving. Wolfram heard but didn't reply.