Like I have to roll for this relationship...werewolf_hackerOctober 2 2012, 20:58:55 UTC
[Ben is just sitting in the room with a poleaxed expression. His entire world just came crashing down on his head (again), and he can't deal.
But he has to. He shakes himself out of it a few moments later, because he needs to be strong for Maria. His hand gropes across the blanket, searching for hers. His voice is a hoarse rasp.] ...Honey?
[Maria's had her eyes shut for the past hour. She isn't sleeping, she sure as hell isn't resting, she's just got her eyes shut. She can't deal with the rest of the world existing right now.
She's always known this would happen, or something like this. She's a doctor, she knows how the odds work, how every passing year things break down, cells divide badly, systems wear out. Hell, she should have died years -- decades -- ago, with a bullet in her brain, with her leg and back torn open in a ditch at the side of a road with no name. In the big picture, she is damned lucky to have lived long enough for a prognosis like this to even be possible.
She has her eyes shut partly because the big picture is more than she can deal with looking at right now. But her fingers find Ben's and entwine with them, and she swallows the lump in her throat enough to at least answer him.]
I don't know how we are to bear this, Volchok moy.
No. [The reaction is immediate and visceral, and he brushes her tears away with the back of his free hand.] You gave me a life back. You made--make--me happy. You treated me with the first ounce of kindness I'd had in twenty years.
And if this-- [He chokes, and takes a moment to compose himself.] If this is how I lose you, then at least I had you to lose. I wouldn't trade you, Maria, or what we have. I wouldn't.
You've given me the strength and will to go on. I'd lost my way, and you helped me find it again. My faith was faltering, and you shored it up.
I'll survive. I always have. And this-- [He brushes the collar with his fingertips.] Won't always be a thing. This, however-- [And he brushes the gold band around his left ring finger.] Will.
[He clasps her in his arms, gently, and kisses her hair.] I don't see that we have much of a choice. I mean... Dad's in the miracle business, and I haven't stopped praying, but some things...
Some things you just can't stop no matter what. [And it hurts, oh, it hurts him more than he wants to say, but he has to be strong for her, he has to make her think he'll be okay.
Even though he's not sure he'll ever be okay again.]
[But she knows. They've been together too long and she loves him too much not to know when he's hiding things and trying to be strong. Damn his chivalrous streak, anyway.]
But I promised you. I promised I would not stop looking. And . . .
[And she hasn't found a way yet, she doesn't say. Not a guaranteed way to keep him safe and away from the people who want to hurt him. How can she die when she hasn't found a way to keep him safe yet?]
[He swallows hard.] And you kept your promise. You never stopped looking. Not being able to find a way isn't your fault, it's the system's. They designed it this way on purpose, honey, damn their eyes.
[And he's always known, down deep, that there's nothing she could have done to keep him safe. He's been resigned to it for quite some time. Far be it from him, however, to steal someone's hope.]
[Maria shudders and presses her face into his shoulder.
She's thought about it. She's never, ever, ever said anything about it, but she's thought about it, and before now it's always been one of the multiple options that she's put aside as unworkable, impossible, another dead end.
But she wasn't dying then. She wasn't this desperate then.]
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But he has to. He shakes himself out of it a few moments later, because he needs to be strong for Maria. His hand gropes across the blanket, searching for hers. His voice is a hoarse rasp.] ...Honey?
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She's always known this would happen, or something like this. She's a doctor, she knows how the odds work, how every passing year things break down, cells divide badly, systems wear out. Hell, she should have died years -- decades -- ago, with a bullet in her brain, with her leg and back torn open in a ditch at the side of a road with no name. In the big picture, she is damned lucky to have lived long enough for a prognosis like this to even be possible.
She has her eyes shut partly because the big picture is more than she can deal with looking at right now. But her fingers find Ben's and entwine with them, and she swallows the lump in her throat enough to at least answer him.]
I don't know how we are to bear this, Volchok moy.
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No such luck.
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What a monstrous thing I've done to you, Ben.
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And if this-- [He chokes, and takes a moment to compose himself.] If this is how I lose you, then at least I had you to lose. I wouldn't trade you, Maria, or what we have. I wouldn't.
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How can I do this, Ben? How can I leave you alone with them like this?
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I'll survive. I always have. And this-- [He brushes the collar with his fingertips.] Won't always be a thing. This, however-- [And he brushes the gold band around his left ring finger.] Will.
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She doesn't open her eyes, just leans forward and wraps herself around him and buries her face in his shoulder.]
I can't do this, Volchok, I can't bear to.
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Some things you just can't stop no matter what. [And it hurts, oh, it hurts him more than he wants to say, but he has to be strong for her, he has to make her think he'll be okay.
Even though he's not sure he'll ever be okay again.]
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But I promised you. I promised I would not stop looking. And . . .
[And she hasn't found a way yet, she doesn't say. Not a guaranteed way to keep him safe and away from the people who want to hurt him. How can she die when she hasn't found a way to keep him safe yet?]
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[And he's always known, down deep, that there's nothing she could have done to keep him safe. He's been resigned to it for quite some time. Far be it from him, however, to steal someone's hope.]
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I cannot die. I cannot leave you like this. Whatever else it is I must do instead I will do that, but I cannot die and leave you for them to hurt you.
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And some of us live too long.
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She's thought about it. She's never, ever, ever said anything about it, but she's thought about it, and before now it's always been one of the multiple options that she's put aside as unworkable, impossible, another dead end.
But she wasn't dying then. She wasn't this desperate then.]
. . . you could bite me.
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He chooses his next words carefully.] I could. I will, if you really want me to.
How long do you think They'd take, to figure it out. And then rip us away from each other anyway.
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