319. i can see inside your mind

[ill_find_a_hole]

HEY, MIND READER
Maybe you touched a cursed object or an innate ability was triggered by something. Whatever the circumstances are, you can now hear the thoughts of everyone around you, which may be a blessing or a curse depending on your point of view and who you know. Did you find out your best friend has been having dirty thoughts about you? Did

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[naochansensei]

[ It's another day on the island, another day in the kitchen for Naoshi. Same old routine, nothing new; he's about as much of a fixture in there as the fridge and stoves. Everything's set up and simmering, just waiting to be dished up and served to whoever comes along hungry.

There's a half-made box lunch under his hands, and he's staring down into it with an expression somewhere between revelation and denial. It's Homare's daily lunch, you see, which is also nothing new, just like the good-natured teasing and gossip that now and then resurfaces about him and his student is equally un-new.

What's new is this thought: What if they're right? ]

[magerights]

[He's expecting to see Naoshi there whenever he wanders out in the mornings, enjoying how he doesn't have to worry where food comes from and if he'll have time to eat now, and this morning is no different. Except the greeting dies on Anders' lips and he frowns.]

What if they're right about what?

[naochansensei]

[ Naoshi jumps, more surprised than guilty. He was so deep in his own bewildered musings that he didn't hear Anders come in nor quite catch what he said. When he sees the mage, though, his own usual grin blooms as readily as ever. ]

Morning, Anders! Sorry, did you say something?

[ What was he doing again? Oh, right, lunch box. And 'him and Homare' is just ridiculous. Yep. Right. He's not blushing, is he? ]

[magerights]

I did but...

[Well, he sort of got his answer there already.]

Aren't you and Homare in a relationship already?

[naochansensei]

What?! Why would--?! No, Anders!

[ Okay he's sort of used to the teasing by now, but that was unusually blunt and out of nowhere and -- oh stars Naoshi wasn't talking to himself out loud, was he? The little man is definitely blushing now, trying to remember if he had been, because that's the last thing anyone needs to overhear from him, that he might've-- actually-- finally-- briefly-- hypothetically-- wondered if all the teasing meant there was actually something there to be seen. ]

[magerights]

[The sheer force of the reaction surprises him, as does the confusion and concern that follows, though Anders only thinks of one thing for the moment.]

Why not?

[naochansensei]

[ That's an angle no one's ever used on him before and it leaves him reeling all the more. Just 'why not'? As if it were up for consideration? Because no, absolutely not, no matter what their friends keep seeing or suggesting or teasing. ]

Be-- because he's my student! I'm his teacher! And besides, we don't have any kinds of feelings like that!

[ Right? Right?! They're just friends that've been through a lot together! ]

[magerights]

Are your ages that different?

[They don't seem it to him, not like some of Anders' earliest relationships at anyway.]

And does it really matter what your jobs from before were? You're not a teacher right now, Naoshi. And while I don't want to push anything, the two of you do seem rather... close.

[naochansensei]

[ There's six years between them, and of course it matters, it's completely improper! Even if Naoshi started calling Homare by his first name, and freely calls him a nickname as if Homare had seniority over him, and they're friends like they never were at Seigetsu... it still... doesn't mean....

Naoshi looks down at that box lunch between his hands still, a fragmented thought intensifying his blush. Parents make lunches for their children, sure, but they can be romantic gifts too, and... what does everyone else keep seeing? Isn't it normal to look after each other so much in a place like this? ]

We're just... friends!

[ Friends that've embraced each other for comfort after the island's horrors and held hands at each other's hospital beside for the same and wiped both blood and tears from each other's faces and oh stars what's wrong with him, thinking like this?! ]

[magerights]

[Anders blinks at the sudden outpouring of thoughts, and while he's realising now that he's somehow hearing what Naoshi is thinking, the shock of that is pushed aside in favour of surprise at how the other man apparently hadn't considered what had seemed obvious to Anders and others. Perhaps it's because thinking of that is easier than the implications of hearing Naoshi, but either way, it's what has Anders' attention now.]

But have you ever really thought about the chance of it being more than that?

[naochansensei]

Geh?

[ Once again, something phrased in a manner that's never been presented to him before. Flailing at and fending off teasing is one thing, and the insulted huffs those things work him into have helped keep him from every really thinking about it before. But now here he was, having a moment of revelation on his own, and Anders is suddenly treating the topic so very seriously himself that he's having trouble shaking it off.

There's a flash of disjointed imagery through the little man's mind: his best friend, comatose in a hospital bed for years, because he was hit by a car saving a woman he loved but who did not love him back.

In the real world, the little fellow shivers. Another thing very clear in his thoughts, an opinion he's held for years, is this: love terrifies him. He's convinced people are only hurt by it. ]

N-no! Absolutely not! He's my friend and-- and that's all it should be.

[magerights]

[Oh, that explains a lot, and Anders feels faintly guilty for not being upfront about the apparent line he has into Naoshi's head now, but it's already gone on enough that it would be more awkward to bring it up now.

He leans against the counter, watching Naoshi and the lunch the man is packing.]

Is that really all it should be? What about his feelings? Have you thought about if he might want something more as well?

[Carefully, Anders reaches out to touch his hand.]

It's all right to be uncertain about loving people, but being afraid and letting that fear stop you... you can't live that way, Naoshi. Trust me, I know it better than most.

[naochansensei]

I-if he...? [ the little man repeats, startled, even paling some though he does not jerk back from Anders's touch. His eyes are wide and uncertain; one doesn't even need to know his thoughts to see how childlike the young man is in so many ways.

But in those unsecret thoughts, he does nearly picture being with Homare, and in the part of him that's always so happy to see and help and spend time with his old student... there's a stomach-twisting little thrill at the thought of something more, and when he feels it, he tries to shake those thoughts off in a panic. ]

E-e-even if he did, I couldn't give back. There'd be no point, it'd only make us hurt more, and it would be over as soon as we got h-home, anyway. [ He shakes his head as if that might help add emphasis to his denial, but his inner turmoil undermines his confidence in his argument. ] Even if we're... c-closer than ordinary friends, that doesn't mean we have to b-be something, right?

[magerights]

[Anders sighs, wondering how best to explain things to someone who seemed so young and inexperienced.]

You don't have to, no. But...

[An idea occurs to him and he leans forward, resting his weight on his elbows.]

When I was in the Circle, I was afraid of getting close to people as well. Most mages were, in their own ways. It was too much to think that the templars might find out and use it against us. I used to think it was better that way. Easier, to have something that didn't mean anything, that I could just walk away from easily. Or sometimes not to try anything at all.

But since I've left the Circle, I started... getting feelings for someone. Deeper feelings than I've had before. They scare me sometimes. I know that it won't be easy, that we might leave and never see each other again, but...

I wouldn't get rid of them. It's a better feeling than I could have imagined, and I'd rather know what it feels like than to live my life alone because I was too afraid to try.

[naochansensei]

[ Naoshi's always had a tendency to look up to the older man and listen when Anders speaks. The mage isn't perfect, no, but he's always been a friend to Naoshi... and really, with the island populace as young as it is, there just aren't all that many others around that Naoshi can look up to.

So even though this topic makes him worried and uncomfortable, and he doesn't know why Anders suddenly finds it so important, he listens as his friend speaks. His eyes drop to the lunch box he's still slowly putting together, but he listens.

And when he answers, he's not verbally flailing about his kneejerk denials anymore, at least. ]

But... but what if it's a mistake? What if it doesn't last, or... or something happens here, and... you have to watch them be hurt, or they have to watch you? [ Not that he and Homare haven't already done plenty of that, as Anders would well know, since they're his hospital patients every time... but all that pain and worry hurts enough as friends. How could anyone stand it if they cared even more? ]

I am so late ;;

[magerights]

You can't know if it's going to be a mistake or not, or if you'll have to... see them hurt or worse. But if you're afraid of it, then you'll never get the chance to find out if it's a mistake or not. IT could be something good just as easily, Naoshi.

[He smiles again.] And as bad as it sounds, you already worry every time that he gets hurt, don't you? It hurts you as well. We both know that isn't going to change any time soon, but don't you think you should at least try and see if you can get some good along with it? Those moments that make all the hurt seem that much less and unimportant... they count for so much more.