(no subject)
Title: Porcelain
Author: Bella (_belsibub_) and Emelie (memelie)
Pairing: Matt/Jere
Summary: Matt finally tells Jere who he really is, knowing that he will lose his only friend, forever
Thanks: to imfallingdeep for all the help with our English <3
Note: So, this is the deal, Bella writers the letters from Matt and Emelie writes the letters from Jere
Previous letters: here
March 22
Fuck you, fuck you! That's all I have to say.
FUCK YOU!!!
You know what? You're the only person I ever truly trusted. But now, that someone I did trust was just something you made up. I could have kept all those letters and put them in a drawer in my desk instead, just letting my imaginary friend read them. Cause that's really what you are, an imaginary friend. But usually people come up with their own imaginary friends, but now you came up with one for me.
I've got so many things to say to you that I’m not sure where to start. Or maybe I should just keep quiet? I think it's because I really cared about you that’s making me write this. Maybe there is a part of you Matthew, that is the Matt I thought I knew. And maybe I can try to save that tiny piece. Or at least tell myself that it all wasn't fake.
According to your letter you shouldn't be alive when I finish writing this, but if I do see you in school tomorrow I will put this in you locker. I don't even know the damn number of you locker, but that's something I'll take care of later...
To tell you the truth, I don't think you dare take your life. Most things you have told me are all lies, but I know the way you think. Or at least I think I know. I'm not surprised that you dared to run away, but I will be surprised if you dare to take your life. Somewhere between those two is a tiny line that you will not cross.
And, to tell you one more truth, I will miss you if you die. I will not miss the shadow like guy you are in school that stalks around, hiding behind corners, and always tries to keep out of everyone's way. But I will miss getting your letters. And I will miss the person I thought I knew. But in one way, you have taken that person's life already.
Have you ever read the book "Letters From the Inside" by John Marsden? You said that you like to read, and I don't think that that's a lie. Cause what else would you do all day long, all the lonely years of your life? Reading is a good supplement for life. And I don't think that you would write two pages about your thoughts on "The Lord of the Rings" without reading them and actually liking them.
Anyway, my sister forced me to read "Letters from the Inside" a couple of years ago, and it's been stuck in my head since. This reminds me of that book. This is that book, but in real life. The only difference is that you're not in prison. Not yet... (And hopefully I won't get killed by my own brother in the end.)
And, like Mandy said in the book, I knew something like this would happen. You haven't kept up with all your lies. Do you remember that time when you went for a trip to Europe? You never did, right? First you said that you where going to Scotland, but when you came home you told me everything about London. Maybe you're not that good at geography, I told myself and ignored it, almost forgot about it. Now when I think of it, you have said lots of things like that. When they come out I instantly believe them, but now when I think about them all at once, I can't believe I've been so blind. Everything has fallen into it's right place.
Maybe you wanted me to break your lie?
I have to tell you this, I don't hate you for being gay. I can hate you for all the lies you've told me, but I can't hate you for something that you can't choose yourself.
But I don't have to like it, because of that.
Now I've come to the part of the letter that I've been afraid of reaching. The first part was easy, it was just to be mad at you. Now I have to deal with what really caused this to fall apart. And it's something I'm really ashamed of.
I told you before that I don't like the situation I’ve put myself in at school. I just do it to fit in. You try not to be seen to fit in and disappear in the crowd. In some ways I try to be seen, to not be seen. I do what my "friends" expect me to do.
They expect me to pick on people like you, when you don't succeed at your life task, to not be seen. And if they expect me to do it, I'll do it. Cause otherwise I'll end up like you. And it scares me. Not you yourself, people like you. Those shy guys. Cause I know I should be one of them, and I know if I do anything wrong I will be. But now I'm not, and I do almost everything in my power not to become like that.
This comes to the conclusion that I have to be someone I hate to be, to not become someone else I hate to be. And to not become that "someone else" involves picking on people like you.
And I hate myself even more when I do it. I fill with guilt. It's a vicious circle, and I can't get out how ever much I want to.
Does this make any sense at all? I'm not expecting you to understand this, I just want you to know that it has nothing to do with you what I did to you. It could have been anyone.
I know, it sounds bad. It sounds even worse. But maybe you can understand, just a tiny, tiny bit. Right now I feel so guilty for what I did do, that I don't know where to hide from myself. I can promise you one thing, this will never ever happen again.
It hurts me so fucking much, to know that it was you, lying there on the ground. The one person I totally trusted. And what did I do with that trust? (Not to mention what you did...) And yet, I'm not even allowed to feel hurt. I'm too much of an asshole to be worth that feeling.
It’s just made the pain worse by reading your letter, about your dad. When we left you, I could at least pretend that you could come home to a caring family. Now I don't even have that bit of hope. At some points in your letter I just wanted to run out and get you. Take you with me home and take care of you. To make up for my stupidity.
But then I remembered all your lies... I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know if I hate you, pity you or still like you as a friend.
It’s probably a bit of everything. When I started writing this I was mostly angry, but now I don't know...
About calling you a "fag", I didn't mean anything by that. It's just a word. When you wanna call a guy something bad and you don't know shit about him, call him a "fag". You can't pick on him because he failed at last week's maths test, because you don't know if he did.
It's like when you meet a random girl and want to be rude to her, you call her a "whore". Do you get it? It was just an unfortunate coincidence that it was true...
Now I have just one more thing to tell you, about the party. I don't know why they brought you in here. But I felt guilty for what I did even before I knew it was you I did it to. So the reason I smiled at you was to try to tell you that I'm not as bad as I act. And I saved your ass that night. You probably don't have a clue about that. They wanted to beat you up again, but for once I told them not to. And they didn't do it.
I don't expect you to answer this, but I hope you will. I understand if you hate me, and in some ways I hate you too. But mostly I will miss you...
I wanna help you survive this. But I don't ever wanna see you again. I wanna help Matt, but I don't know if I ever wanna see Matthew again. That made no sense at all, but that's how I feel.
This is so fucked up...
//Jeremiah
Author: Bella (_belsibub_) and Emelie (memelie)
Pairing: Matt/Jere
Summary: Matt finally tells Jere who he really is, knowing that he will lose his only friend, forever
Thanks: to imfallingdeep for all the help with our English <3
Note: So, this is the deal, Bella writers the letters from Matt and Emelie writes the letters from Jere
Previous letters: here
March 22
Fuck you, fuck you! That's all I have to say.
FUCK YOU!!!
You know what? You're the only person I ever truly trusted. But now, that someone I did trust was just something you made up. I could have kept all those letters and put them in a drawer in my desk instead, just letting my imaginary friend read them. Cause that's really what you are, an imaginary friend. But usually people come up with their own imaginary friends, but now you came up with one for me.
I've got so many things to say to you that I’m not sure where to start. Or maybe I should just keep quiet? I think it's because I really cared about you that’s making me write this. Maybe there is a part of you Matthew, that is the Matt I thought I knew. And maybe I can try to save that tiny piece. Or at least tell myself that it all wasn't fake.
According to your letter you shouldn't be alive when I finish writing this, but if I do see you in school tomorrow I will put this in you locker. I don't even know the damn number of you locker, but that's something I'll take care of later...
To tell you the truth, I don't think you dare take your life. Most things you have told me are all lies, but I know the way you think. Or at least I think I know. I'm not surprised that you dared to run away, but I will be surprised if you dare to take your life. Somewhere between those two is a tiny line that you will not cross.
And, to tell you one more truth, I will miss you if you die. I will not miss the shadow like guy you are in school that stalks around, hiding behind corners, and always tries to keep out of everyone's way. But I will miss getting your letters. And I will miss the person I thought I knew. But in one way, you have taken that person's life already.
Have you ever read the book "Letters From the Inside" by John Marsden? You said that you like to read, and I don't think that that's a lie. Cause what else would you do all day long, all the lonely years of your life? Reading is a good supplement for life. And I don't think that you would write two pages about your thoughts on "The Lord of the Rings" without reading them and actually liking them.
Anyway, my sister forced me to read "Letters from the Inside" a couple of years ago, and it's been stuck in my head since. This reminds me of that book. This is that book, but in real life. The only difference is that you're not in prison. Not yet... (And hopefully I won't get killed by my own brother in the end.)
And, like Mandy said in the book, I knew something like this would happen. You haven't kept up with all your lies. Do you remember that time when you went for a trip to Europe? You never did, right? First you said that you where going to Scotland, but when you came home you told me everything about London. Maybe you're not that good at geography, I told myself and ignored it, almost forgot about it. Now when I think of it, you have said lots of things like that. When they come out I instantly believe them, but now when I think about them all at once, I can't believe I've been so blind. Everything has fallen into it's right place.
Maybe you wanted me to break your lie?
I have to tell you this, I don't hate you for being gay. I can hate you for all the lies you've told me, but I can't hate you for something that you can't choose yourself.
But I don't have to like it, because of that.
Now I've come to the part of the letter that I've been afraid of reaching. The first part was easy, it was just to be mad at you. Now I have to deal with what really caused this to fall apart. And it's something I'm really ashamed of.
I told you before that I don't like the situation I’ve put myself in at school. I just do it to fit in. You try not to be seen to fit in and disappear in the crowd. In some ways I try to be seen, to not be seen. I do what my "friends" expect me to do.
They expect me to pick on people like you, when you don't succeed at your life task, to not be seen. And if they expect me to do it, I'll do it. Cause otherwise I'll end up like you. And it scares me. Not you yourself, people like you. Those shy guys. Cause I know I should be one of them, and I know if I do anything wrong I will be. But now I'm not, and I do almost everything in my power not to become like that.
This comes to the conclusion that I have to be someone I hate to be, to not become someone else I hate to be. And to not become that "someone else" involves picking on people like you.
And I hate myself even more when I do it. I fill with guilt. It's a vicious circle, and I can't get out how ever much I want to.
Does this make any sense at all? I'm not expecting you to understand this, I just want you to know that it has nothing to do with you what I did to you. It could have been anyone.
I know, it sounds bad. It sounds even worse. But maybe you can understand, just a tiny, tiny bit. Right now I feel so guilty for what I did do, that I don't know where to hide from myself. I can promise you one thing, this will never ever happen again.
It hurts me so fucking much, to know that it was you, lying there on the ground. The one person I totally trusted. And what did I do with that trust? (Not to mention what you did...) And yet, I'm not even allowed to feel hurt. I'm too much of an asshole to be worth that feeling.
It’s just made the pain worse by reading your letter, about your dad. When we left you, I could at least pretend that you could come home to a caring family. Now I don't even have that bit of hope. At some points in your letter I just wanted to run out and get you. Take you with me home and take care of you. To make up for my stupidity.
But then I remembered all your lies... I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know if I hate you, pity you or still like you as a friend.
It’s probably a bit of everything. When I started writing this I was mostly angry, but now I don't know...
About calling you a "fag", I didn't mean anything by that. It's just a word. When you wanna call a guy something bad and you don't know shit about him, call him a "fag". You can't pick on him because he failed at last week's maths test, because you don't know if he did.
It's like when you meet a random girl and want to be rude to her, you call her a "whore". Do you get it? It was just an unfortunate coincidence that it was true...
Now I have just one more thing to tell you, about the party. I don't know why they brought you in here. But I felt guilty for what I did even before I knew it was you I did it to. So the reason I smiled at you was to try to tell you that I'm not as bad as I act. And I saved your ass that night. You probably don't have a clue about that. They wanted to beat you up again, but for once I told them not to. And they didn't do it.
I don't expect you to answer this, but I hope you will. I understand if you hate me, and in some ways I hate you too. But mostly I will miss you...
I wanna help you survive this. But I don't ever wanna see you again. I wanna help Matt, but I don't know if I ever wanna see Matthew again. That made no sense at all, but that's how I feel.
This is so fucked up...
//Jeremiah