arashi fiction 16 - matsumoto jun grows a pair. ;)
Title: Sooner or Later (Chapter One)
Genres: Angst, Romance, Eventual Fluff
Ratings: PG
Who: Sho/Jun
Summary: Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (Author of "The Little Prince")
There were plenty of things in the world that Matsumoto Jun didn't know about, and plenty more things he couldn't explain. There were lessons he'd never learned, places he'd never been, experiences he'd never had (and never would have if his career remained his focus); all of these things an indication that life didn't always equate to living.
Part of the problem is that he probably never had a chance in the first place. He thought too much of himself. Thought too much of him. Thought too much about what each and every action or word could mean if he wanted them to, not if they wanted them to, and that was a problem as well.
Instinct tells him now that thinking won't get him anywhere in matters of the heart, and he continues to think anyway - not every second of every day, but enough - about all the possibilities and all the insecurities, and now and again, how horribly complicated he'd made things back then. How foolish he'd been to look only at what he wanted to see, and never at what was truly in front of him.
"You are going to finish that manga and give it to me, right? Because I'm pretty sure I asked for it first," Sho's voice interrupted, forcing Jun to acknowledge that he'd not turned the pages for ten minutes or more.
He's not safe to think here. If he thinks here, on the plane, so close to him, something is bound to show on his face. They know each other too well for reflection. A form of intimacy that was a constant and embarrassing reminder of what he'd wanted.
What he had wanted so badly.
"Don't interrupt me and you'll get it sooner," Jun responded with one raised eyebrow, exactly as he'd be expected to respond. It's the best coping mechanism, even after all these years, to simply treat him as if he were everyone and anyone else.
"I told you to get it before Matsujun got his hands on it, but you were too busy stuffing your face to listen," Nino scolded him from farther back on the plane, farther than should have been within ear shot. Sho raised an arm only to wave at the man dismissively.
"You should have stopped eating for once. This manga is so much better than food," Jun teased with a smile, trying to keep the conversation light.
"Not possible."
It was said with a smile, it's not meant to be defensive, but the mood is broken so easily between the two of them as the statement leaves Sho's mouth and hits the air. At least it feels that way for one, but Sho seems oblivious as he puts on his headphones and shifts position in his seat.
Jun swallows hard.
---
At least, he thinks bitterly as he drinks his morning coffee, he's gotten past devastated and has moved into being grumpy and unreasonable. It's unclear whether he's benefited from waiting so long to make a move. On the one hand, he's allowed his affection to grow, on the other... he's older now, he can face things with head held high. Perhaps if it had been sooner he'd have cried longer, though he'd not admit to anyone he'd cried at all.
He thinks that he's 20 now, and that means he's mature. He didn't beg or make things more uncomfortable than they needed to be. He didn't let it influence the group (or tried not to, and that was truly the best he could do), and even now, as Sho enters the dressing room, he nods his head in greeting and gives no sign that inside he's shattered - he's lost something.
"But you've never explained what he said to you. Maybe you don't have to give up," Aiba tries to be optimistic for him as they treat each other to dinner later. It feels like adulthood, though they could pay for their own food without any difference. They do have Nino, and Nino won't pay at all.
It doesn't occur to him that he's never had something like this to deal with before - there is no precedent, so there is no way to have grown. In fact, he doesn't question anything at all, merely accepts and mopes, because he's trained himself well for this idol life. Fighting for the details, not for the big picture... because it doesn't matter why things have turned out this way. They have, and in Jun's mind that's the end.
"I don't remember exactly, it's not important," Jun lies as he casually sips his beer.
It was inevitable the others would know something, but he's sure they don't need to know everything. Jun doesn't want to be comforted, he wants to pretend nothing has happened at all. What's the point of hoping for something that's said and done? It might be his first rejection, the first one he feels inside and out, but he still recognizes it for what it is - a demand that he move on or lose to his emotions.
He has an assumption, he has a very good idea of the underlying issue, but the reality of it all is too embarrassing to think on. In three years of being head over heels, he'd not once bothered to determine whether the man's interests were really in his favor. Not everyone, he sadly understands, likes a woman simply for her cooking skills and fashion sense.
Aiba hums in thought as Nino, always pensive and only sometimes helpful, slurps his noodles. "But if he didn't give you a reason, maybe you've still got a chance."
"You don't have to do this, okay? No matter how you look at it, it's the worst that's happened and that's all," Jun says because it's truly what he believes, and without taking a firm stance against him, Aiba was known to be dangerously persuasive.
"Falling in love," Nino says solemnly, snorting into his cup, "Seriously."
He doesn't elaborate, and Jun doesn't ask, but the silence that follows is awkward enough to make his words sink in. It's the random thoughts, the unexpected connections he draws in his mind, that make things unbearable. No one's bothered to ask him how this will affect the band, because he and Sho are the ones who find cause for concern. It's their job to worry, it's their shared method of dedication.
It hurts.
Aiba calls for another bowl. Jun takes the opportunity to shake his head and sigh.
"I don't want to be the comedy leader. I'm giving up," he informs them suddenly, but he isn't changing the subject, "Nothing seems funny anymore."
---
Of all the things Jun can't explain, his love for Sho is the most frustrating, simply because it's still there. What could have been a brief period of infatuation is a decade of unrequited emotion instead, is always with him in spite of everything, and sometimes he truly hates himself for it.
The way he panicked when Sho fell from the stage, even after they'd determined it was only his thumb that was injured. The way his heart leaped when Sho was allowed, once in a great while, to show off his talents and not be labeled a failure. The way the other's moods influenced his own, the pride he felt in all of Sho's recent accomplishments, the jealousy that stirred inside him knowing that ever since... ever since, any other member of Arashi was far more likely to be paired up with Sho for a segment.
It's in this way that Jun feels his DoS character is completely, horrifyingly true - he's bringing this all upon himself.
"Just wake him up," Ohno suggested as Jun closed the the completed manga volume.
"You know I can't," Jun was quick to reply. It was never a good idea to wake the sleeping mama bear, no matter how badly he'd been wanting to read.
And yet, something in Jun's mind was eager for change. Each day something was pushing, nagging, leading him down an uneasy path. Sho had never had a girlfriend, as far as he could tell, and each year there was more about him to respect. More about him to make Jun want again what he'd wanted before. He was tired of not fighting, of staying in the dark.
'If he didn't give you a reason, maybe you've still got a chance.'
"Wake up," he whispered in Sho's ear as he slipped into the seat beside him, gently massaging the man's shoulder. He was doing what he pleased now, consequences be damned.
Jun couldn't explain it, really, but he was sure of it nonetheless. Sho's eyes were opening, and he was going to start over.
He was definitely trying again.
AN 1: Serious stuff makes me really, really nervous. Encouragement and 'this sucks and you should change it' are both welcome in comments, please please. This chapter dedicated to mutekinonna in honor of her OTP Thursday. :)
AN 2: I opened this community up to membership if anyone is interested, in order to give me the ability to post things members only in the future (like my super secret plotting post that now you'll be able to see, oh noes!). It's not all that likely, but just in case. *shrug*
Genres: Angst, Romance, Eventual Fluff
Ratings: PG
Who: Sho/Jun
Summary: Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (Author of "The Little Prince")
There were plenty of things in the world that Matsumoto Jun didn't know about, and plenty more things he couldn't explain. There were lessons he'd never learned, places he'd never been, experiences he'd never had (and never would have if his career remained his focus); all of these things an indication that life didn't always equate to living.
Part of the problem is that he probably never had a chance in the first place. He thought too much of himself. Thought too much of him. Thought too much about what each and every action or word could mean if he wanted them to, not if they wanted them to, and that was a problem as well.
Instinct tells him now that thinking won't get him anywhere in matters of the heart, and he continues to think anyway - not every second of every day, but enough - about all the possibilities and all the insecurities, and now and again, how horribly complicated he'd made things back then. How foolish he'd been to look only at what he wanted to see, and never at what was truly in front of him.
"You are going to finish that manga and give it to me, right? Because I'm pretty sure I asked for it first," Sho's voice interrupted, forcing Jun to acknowledge that he'd not turned the pages for ten minutes or more.
He's not safe to think here. If he thinks here, on the plane, so close to him, something is bound to show on his face. They know each other too well for reflection. A form of intimacy that was a constant and embarrassing reminder of what he'd wanted.
What he had wanted so badly.
"Don't interrupt me and you'll get it sooner," Jun responded with one raised eyebrow, exactly as he'd be expected to respond. It's the best coping mechanism, even after all these years, to simply treat him as if he were everyone and anyone else.
"I told you to get it before Matsujun got his hands on it, but you were too busy stuffing your face to listen," Nino scolded him from farther back on the plane, farther than should have been within ear shot. Sho raised an arm only to wave at the man dismissively.
"You should have stopped eating for once. This manga is so much better than food," Jun teased with a smile, trying to keep the conversation light.
"Not possible."
It was said with a smile, it's not meant to be defensive, but the mood is broken so easily between the two of them as the statement leaves Sho's mouth and hits the air. At least it feels that way for one, but Sho seems oblivious as he puts on his headphones and shifts position in his seat.
Jun swallows hard.
---
At least, he thinks bitterly as he drinks his morning coffee, he's gotten past devastated and has moved into being grumpy and unreasonable. It's unclear whether he's benefited from waiting so long to make a move. On the one hand, he's allowed his affection to grow, on the other... he's older now, he can face things with head held high. Perhaps if it had been sooner he'd have cried longer, though he'd not admit to anyone he'd cried at all.
He thinks that he's 20 now, and that means he's mature. He didn't beg or make things more uncomfortable than they needed to be. He didn't let it influence the group (or tried not to, and that was truly the best he could do), and even now, as Sho enters the dressing room, he nods his head in greeting and gives no sign that inside he's shattered - he's lost something.
"But you've never explained what he said to you. Maybe you don't have to give up," Aiba tries to be optimistic for him as they treat each other to dinner later. It feels like adulthood, though they could pay for their own food without any difference. They do have Nino, and Nino won't pay at all.
It doesn't occur to him that he's never had something like this to deal with before - there is no precedent, so there is no way to have grown. In fact, he doesn't question anything at all, merely accepts and mopes, because he's trained himself well for this idol life. Fighting for the details, not for the big picture... because it doesn't matter why things have turned out this way. They have, and in Jun's mind that's the end.
"I don't remember exactly, it's not important," Jun lies as he casually sips his beer.
It was inevitable the others would know something, but he's sure they don't need to know everything. Jun doesn't want to be comforted, he wants to pretend nothing has happened at all. What's the point of hoping for something that's said and done? It might be his first rejection, the first one he feels inside and out, but he still recognizes it for what it is - a demand that he move on or lose to his emotions.
He has an assumption, he has a very good idea of the underlying issue, but the reality of it all is too embarrassing to think on. In three years of being head over heels, he'd not once bothered to determine whether the man's interests were really in his favor. Not everyone, he sadly understands, likes a woman simply for her cooking skills and fashion sense.
Aiba hums in thought as Nino, always pensive and only sometimes helpful, slurps his noodles. "But if he didn't give you a reason, maybe you've still got a chance."
"You don't have to do this, okay? No matter how you look at it, it's the worst that's happened and that's all," Jun says because it's truly what he believes, and without taking a firm stance against him, Aiba was known to be dangerously persuasive.
"Falling in love," Nino says solemnly, snorting into his cup, "Seriously."
He doesn't elaborate, and Jun doesn't ask, but the silence that follows is awkward enough to make his words sink in. It's the random thoughts, the unexpected connections he draws in his mind, that make things unbearable. No one's bothered to ask him how this will affect the band, because he and Sho are the ones who find cause for concern. It's their job to worry, it's their shared method of dedication.
It hurts.
Aiba calls for another bowl. Jun takes the opportunity to shake his head and sigh.
"I don't want to be the comedy leader. I'm giving up," he informs them suddenly, but he isn't changing the subject, "Nothing seems funny anymore."
---
Of all the things Jun can't explain, his love for Sho is the most frustrating, simply because it's still there. What could have been a brief period of infatuation is a decade of unrequited emotion instead, is always with him in spite of everything, and sometimes he truly hates himself for it.
The way he panicked when Sho fell from the stage, even after they'd determined it was only his thumb that was injured. The way his heart leaped when Sho was allowed, once in a great while, to show off his talents and not be labeled a failure. The way the other's moods influenced his own, the pride he felt in all of Sho's recent accomplishments, the jealousy that stirred inside him knowing that ever since... ever since, any other member of Arashi was far more likely to be paired up with Sho for a segment.
It's in this way that Jun feels his DoS character is completely, horrifyingly true - he's bringing this all upon himself.
"Just wake him up," Ohno suggested as Jun closed the the completed manga volume.
"You know I can't," Jun was quick to reply. It was never a good idea to wake the sleeping mama bear, no matter how badly he'd been wanting to read.
And yet, something in Jun's mind was eager for change. Each day something was pushing, nagging, leading him down an uneasy path. Sho had never had a girlfriend, as far as he could tell, and each year there was more about him to respect. More about him to make Jun want again what he'd wanted before. He was tired of not fighting, of staying in the dark.
'If he didn't give you a reason, maybe you've still got a chance.'
"Wake up," he whispered in Sho's ear as he slipped into the seat beside him, gently massaging the man's shoulder. He was doing what he pleased now, consequences be damned.
Jun couldn't explain it, really, but he was sure of it nonetheless. Sho's eyes were opening, and he was going to start over.
He was definitely trying again.
AN 1: Serious stuff makes me really, really nervous. Encouragement and 'this sucks and you should change it' are both welcome in comments, please please. This chapter dedicated to mutekinonna in honor of her OTP Thursday. :)
AN 2: I opened this community up to membership if anyone is interested, in order to give me the ability to post things members only in the future (like my super secret plotting post that now you'll be able to see, oh noes!). It's not all that likely, but just in case. *shrug*