Palace of the Brine: 4. The Inundation
**
The Inundation
The gingerbread house Jared is constructing is clearly influenced by equal parts Norman Rockwell and Frank Gehry. An idyllic transcendent scene of gummy bears wandering around a marshmallow and cotton-candy Christmas village; juxtaposed with cutting modern architecture.
"It's incredible!" Jensen says, slack-jawed at the sight of the gingerbread masterpiece.
"Plus it's good to hide behind," Jared explains to Jensen, turning to one side and showing off a definite paunch. He's three months along and starting to "show" more and more each day.
Jared has realized how much easier it was to hide the bulge when he was a patient at Grace's Heart, and spent most of the time sitting or hiding behind a blanket in a hospital bed. It's not been obvious enough to prevent him from finishing out the semester at work or to stop him from going to see the Christmas pageant Eve's kindergarten class is preparing.
Jared bites his lip, "Y'know, I think I'm gonna need more gumdrops and graham cracker supports."
"I can go pick some up," Jensen offers.
"Nah I'm going over to my studio this afternoon anyway. I can get them on the way back."
Jensen tilts his head, "I thought classes ended this week? Why are you going to the studio?"
"I need to solder a halo."
"A halo?"
"Yeah, for Eve's costume? She's in the angel choir, remember? It's tomorrow night."
Jensen rubs his chin. "I should really remember that, shouldn't I?" Jared laughs.
"Hey Jensen, guess what? Eve's in the school play. She's in the angel choir and all the parents have to make their kids' costumes. So I'm going to my studio this afternoon to solder a halo for her and basically show off all the other loser parents with their tinfoil and tinsel pieces of crap."
Jensen leans in to kiss Jared, taking some of the construction icing off Jared's nose with the tip of his finger. "You are better than all those other loser parents." Jensen licks his finger and Jared looks at him through hooded eyes.
There's a moment, a beat of silence in the air and Jared can feel Jensen's hesitation, can feel him wanting to move in closer along Jared's body and when he does-
Jared pulls back. Squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm sorry."
"I should get to work."
"Yeah," Jared looks back at his gingerbread sculpture. "Yeah, I'll see you later tonight."
Jensen puts his hand on his shoulder. Jared looks back up and meets his gaze. "Jared, I-"
"It's fine, go. I'm fine, I'm just-I'm not supposed to be like this and sometimes I just worry that you're going to-" Jared pauses, not able to find the right words to explain his hesitation with Jensen. "It's-I'm not sure how to say it."
Jensen closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and opens them again, brushing Jared's face with the tips of his fingers. "I actually should go now. We can talk later tonight, right?"
"Right," Jared says, not looking forward to having that conversation at all. Jensen grabs his keys and jacket, giving him a final kiss on the cheek before leaving. Jared leans back against the kitchen countertop, taking in his Christmas gingerbread and candy-covered spectacle.
"Might as well finish this up right now," Jared murmurs and sprinkles more coconut shavings over the little gummy bear carolers like snowflakes falling down.
**
It's funny, Jared thinks, that whenever he's in the middle of handling the most dangerous, toxic or volatile materials, his phone rings. Jared sighs and listens to it go off as he can't really turn away from the ring of metal he's smoothing out, lest he mess it up and have to start over again.
Then his studio phone rings. Three times, then stops for a full minute, and starts ringing again. That's Jensen's ring.
"Gen!" Jared shouts towards the front of the studio, where Genevieve is waiting for the kiln to finish firing her clay pieces. She's got her headphones on, of course. Jared stamps his feet a few times to get her attention. "Gen! Get the phone!"
"Did you say something?" Gen shouts back, pulling down the side of her headphones. The shop is especially noisy today between Jared's metalworking and the kiln and whatever she's listening to.
"Phone!" Jared shouts, taking one hand off the soldering iron quickly to make a phone shape with his thumb and pinky finger. "Answer it!" he shouts returning to the finishing touches on Eve's halo. It's just nearly done, he doesn't want to put a bend in it, or leave it asymmetrical.
"It's Jensen!" Gen shouts. "Do you want to talk to him?"
Jared slumps his shoulders. "I'm kind of stuck right now with what I'm doing, can you please take a message, or hold him on the line until I'm done?" Jared shouts back.
"What?"
Jared sighs. "I'm guessing you can't hear me through the mask I'm wearing."
"I can't hear you through your mask, Jared! I'm just going to take a message, okay?" Gen says and Jared goes back to perfecting the ring. Once it looks just right, he takes it off the flame, and carefully places it in a cooling bath. Then he can walk away from the metalworking station, taking off his mask and gloves.
"He says he left his pager at home!" Gen shouts.
"We can stop shout-!" Jared shouts and then pauses. "We can stop shouting now."
"What?"
Jared yanks off her headphones.
"Oh, right," she says. "So he left his pager at home and he can't leave to get it because someone's about to deliver so if you can bring it to him it'd be great. And he said to call Katie when you got the message because he's probably wrist-deep in someone by now."
"He said that?"
"Well, not the wrist-deep part. That was just my imagination." Gen shrugs.
"Right, nice. Gen can you hold down the fort while I get that over to him?" Jared says, grabbing his cellphone, car keys and hoodie.
"Sure, no problem. You know, maybe you should jog there?"
"Excuse me?" Jared asks, incredulously.
"I'm just saying, you put on a little bit of the holiday weight already, and it's not even Christmas yet. Maybe you had too much turkey at Thanksgiving?"
Jared feels torn between laughing and growling at Gen's blunt honesty. "You have no idea," he mutters as he leaves, dialing Katie's number on his cell.
"Hey Jared, so you got the message, yeah?" Katie answers.
"I'm on my way from my studio, did he say where he left it?"
"Look, um, he didn't lose it at home. I stole it out of his bag."
"What?" Jared says, stopping short of the elevators.
"I learned to pickpocket from watching this one Shirley Temple movie when I was kid. I can't remember the name, but she was a loveable scamp with a heart of gold and-"
"No, Katie what are you doing stealing his pager?"
"See that's the plan! Jensen is still refusing to meet with Dr. Misha."
"Dr. Misha?"
"Oh, right, I mean Dr. Collins, the LSCW? Anyway he's been skipping out on their appointments and Dr. Sam is getting so pissed with him because he's been dodging for weeks now and I'm just worried he's going to get himself in even more trouble than he already is so..."
"You want me to stage an intervention?"
"Bingo."
"Tell me what I have to do."
"Just show up here, I sneak you the pager, than you tell him you'll give it to him in the staff lounge and Dr. Mi-Collins will be waiting for him. And then you can guilt trip him into sitting down for a session."
"What makes you think I have that kind of sway?"
"You're carrying his first child. It gives you more authority than you realize."
**
Katie meets him right by the hospital entrance, and before saying hello launches right into it, leading him down the familiar path to the obstetrics wing.
"I mean, why the hell is he being so avoidant of this whole thing? It's like ninety percent Mike's fault anyway trying to convince Jensen that Dr. Misha is some kind of Svengali, hippie freak. And I'm not paraphrasing, that's directly from Mike's mouth to yours truly," Katie says.
"I mean, I get it. They have different philosophies when it comes to treating mental health. Mike believes that medication works and Misha believes that sometimes you have to see if the problem within can be found and healed first before turning to radical treatments for people with the minimal problems," Katie says, gesturing, Jared nods.
"And Dr. Sam just wishes they could get past all that and see how beneficial it is to work those two philosophies together!" Katie takes a deep breath as they walk in the staff lounge.
"So that's the deal, here's the pager. I'll go call the O.R. and see if he's out. Jared, this is Misha Collins," Katie says, as the person sitting in one of the lounge chairs puts down his newspaper and looks up at him, smiling and holding out his hand.
"Hi there," he says, and immediately Jared recognizes him as he shakes back.
"I know you. You're the guy with the scooter!" Jared says, recognizing the next-door neighbor he and Eve met a while back.
"Oh, right. You're the guy whose kid I almost um-" Misha breaks off, standing up. "Um, sorry about that. I didn't mean that to sound so, cheery? It's not like I keep a points system or something."
"A what?"
Katie yelps, and shoves the pager in Jared's hand and takes off through the back exit just as Jensen walks in and stops short, seeing the both of them together.
"...What's going on here?" Jensen asks, tense in his voice and his shoulders.
"Jensen, I was just um, talking to Misha here. We met a while back, actually! He moved into the empty apartment across the block, like five doors down from us."
"I guess we're neighbors," Misha says with a shrug.
"I did not...know that." Jensen says slowly. "May I have my pager please? Now?"
"No," Jared says shaking his head.
"Why not?" Jensen asks, sharp turn of his head indicating he's about to lose his patience.
"You can have it back after your session with Mi-Dr. Collins."
Jensen blinks. "I don't have a session with him today."
"I cleared my schedule, and someone told me you have an hour before your next appointment in the clinic, but it shouldn't take that long. Let's go to my office," Misha says trying to lead them out the door.
Jensen tenses. "Do I at least get to change? I'm covered in placenta," Jensen says, pointing at his scrubs, smeared with something pink and brown and Jared's stomach twists realizing that the scent on him is-and Jensen must smell like it and-
"When did I get here?" Jared says because the next thing he knows he's in a waiting room and Katie's there with Nurse Roberts and he can smell alcohol, or something like cleaning products.
"You fainted when you realized Jensen was covered in-"
"Don't say it!" Jared interrupts and Nurse Roberts puts the alcohol swab back on his temples, cooling him down. "Where's Jensen?"
"I told him if he didn't go with Misha, I'd send you up to Dr. Sam," Katie ducks down to whisper the rest to Jared, "And she'd know what was going on right away, so you'd be quarantined to the hospital for another six months and he'd never see you, and you wouldn't forgive him."
"God damn," Jared says.
"The lengths I go to for the two of you, you're lucky you're so entertaining. What with all the crazy sexy mishaps you get into."
Jared sits up and kisses Katie on the cheek. "You love us."
Katie rolls her eyes. "Better enough to walk?"
Jared plants his feet on the ground, "Oh yeah, I'm fine."
Just then the door swings open and Jensen pokes his head in, spying Jared and saying simply, "You! I have needs, okay?" Jensen turns his head to the side, "There, I said it, are you happy now?" And then he's tugged away by the scruff of his scrubs.
Jared and Katie look back and forth between each other, and tentatively walk out into the hallway, where Misha seems to be trying to talk to a very irate-looking Jensen, flanked by both Mike and Tom.
"Jensen, that wasn't what I meant when I said you needed to confront the issue."
Confront the issue? Jared wonders but doesn't have much time to mull that one over because they're snapping back at each other and Jensen's tone and body language are tense and tight and angry.
Jensen gasps. "What? I told him, so why are you punishing me for just doing what you asked me to?!"
"He confronted the damn issue, now sign the damn form," Mike almost growls at him through his teeth. He's thrusting what appears to be the form into Misha's hands. He crosses his arms.
"I'm afraid I cannot in good conscience do this for you, and please Dr. Rosenbaum, I'm sure Jensen can speak for himself."
Mike doesn't let up. "That's right, I'm the doctor here. And Dr. Ackles doesn't need therapy, in my professional, real doctor opinion."
"There are many different kinds of doctors," Misha says.
"And most of them are quacks. So why don't you go back up to the top of your mountain, do some yoga or peyote or whatever it is you're into, and leave my friend alone."
"I'm not signing the form. I'm recommending is at least three more sessions with a therapist for Dr. Ackles to his supervisor. Whether he chooses to see me or another mental health professional, is none of my business. But I'm not going to be intimidated by some pill-pushing power-hungry bald Sigmund Freud and his linebacker secretary."
Katie leans over and whispers to Jared. "Sometimes therapists and psychiatrists have professional disagreements."
"Really," Jared says and watches as Mike almost lunges at Misha. Tom grabs him by the shoulder at the last second and Jensen clears his throat to speak, some of the tension leaving his arms and his body language opening up.
"It's-it's more complicated than you're making it, is the thing, I mean-I get it but I-"
"Do you want to talk about it tomorrow?" Misha says.
"No!" Jensen snaps and then pauses. "Yes. Maybe. Not really."
"You get the feeling we're only hearing half of the conversation?" Katie says, leaning over to Jared.
"How about the day after?" Misha asks, taking out a small planner from his jacket pocket, and Jensen nods as he pens him in. Mike claps him on the shoulder a few times, gives Misha a final dirty look, and then walks away. Misha takes off in the other direction.
Tom looks over his shoulder at Jared and waves his good-bye. He's got a candy cane in his mouth.
"Gingerbread house!" Jared shouts, smacking his forehead. "Oh my god, I have to go get a halo out of-shit I need to call Gen." Jared fumbles with his cellphone, calling his studio and silently praying Gen remembered to leave her headphones off. A hand on his arm, and he turns to face Jensen.
"Jared, are you going?" Jensen asks. Katie pretends to look away and not pay attention to their conversation, but Jared knows better by now.
"Well, I need to get back to my studio and we're still not finished with the whole costume, Chad said Sophia would hem it but I have to pick it up at her office and that's just going to be incredibly tense and," Jared squeezes his eyes shut, trying to stop himself from running his mouth. He closes the cellphone.
"Jensen, you know I will talk myself in circles if you don't interrupt me. Can you please just tell me what you're thinking?"
Jensen's eyes are hooded, he's sort of staring off into the distance on the floor between them. "Well, I thought you'd want to talk after all that?"
"Talk about..." Jared pauses to lower his voice and walk closer to Jensen. "We should talk about what you were saying to me before?"
Jensen nods.
"What do you need?" Jared asks, resting his hand on the nape of Jensen's neck. He kneads the tension he feels there, Jensen lowering his head to just brush against his nose and meet his cheek with his lips. Jared feels a pulse, a rush of blood at the sheer intimacy of it, the way Jensen lays his palm on the side of his face, fingers running into his hair and along the shell of his ear.
Jensen swallows. "I need you."
Jared kisses him and says, "You have me."
Jensen drops his hand and steps back, making them both into fists at his side. "I'll-we'll talk at home, okay?"
"Okay," Jared says as he walks away, Katie following him.
**
It's like a punch in the face when it hits him in the car, as he's driving to Sophia's office on the other side of the city.
Luckily he's stuck in slow traffic so when he drops his head down on the horn, he isn't the only car honking in frustration. "Shit!" Jared shouts as he can see the pleading in Jensen's voice and his touch for Jared to give him something more. Something more than just the kissing and barely touching they've had ever since Jared knew he was pregnant again.
It was different the first time. Jared can remember the longing but the way it felt safer to desire Jensen from afar when he thought nothing could happen between them. Jensen was his doctor and Jared was his patient. A little fantasizing while jerking off was harmless in the long run.
Jared turns the next corner as the traffic begins to thin out. Remembering when things changed, when he felt his wanting driving him crazy and the hormones making him insane, making him want to jump Jensen at every free moment. The way they both pushed the limits of their professional relationship as it got personal, deeper and more intimate.
And then finally, physical. Kisses and touches and Jared wanting more, just wanting the baby born and to have his body back. The one he felt comfortable in as his own skin so he could make Jensen-
Jared sighs as he parks in the lot of Sophia's office building, and takes the keys out of the ignition,looking down at the hoodie he's wearing, covering his growing bulge.
It's not my body, Jared thinks. It's not the one I can use to make Jensen go crazy. Not the one I can push all his buttons and kiss him and let him cover me with his body, wrap his legs around my waist and-damn it. Jared leans back in his seat, blows the hair away that falls over his eyes.
"You just had to be different, didn't you?" Jared says to his reflection in the rear-view mirror, then sticks his tongue out and opens the car door. "It's supposed to be easier the second time around, like hell," he mutters as he gets in the elevator.
Sophia is on the phone when he shows up at her desk and holds up her finger, asking him to give her a minute without saying the words. "Uh huh, uh huh, oh! Oh well that's fabulous! Yes I am looking at the escrow, yes I agree, that's the way we've got to... Oh yes of course! That's not a problem, I will... Uh huh. I'll call you right back, okay I have someone here waiting on me too. Call you in ten? Great! Bye-bye... Jared!" Sophia says as she puts down the phone and stand up to give him a hug.
"Hey Sophia, hows the accounting?" Jared asks.
Sophia laughs. "I'm an actuary, Jared."
"Actuarying going okay?"
"It's just fine," Sophia says. "I think I have what you came for." She turns to open her desk drawer and pulls out Eve's angel tunic, in a small dry-clean bag and holds it up to show Jared.
"This looks great, Sophia, thanks-" Jared says reaching for it, and she yanks it away.
"Here's the thing," Sophia says, sucking her teeth. "I need you to do something for me, if you want this."
"Sophia," Jared sighs. "You know I can't get involved between you two."
"It's not that-look, Jared, he won't talk to me, okay? I just, I need him to do this before I go to La Jolla."
"It's the holidays, Soph. Maybe after you get back from vacation he'll be in better spirits? Time apart might just do the trick, you know?"
"Oh Jared, oh my God, he didn't tell you?" Sophia puts the costume down on her desk.
Jared shakes his head. "Tell me what?"
Sophia sits down on the corner of her desk, picks up a folder and puts it in her lap. "I'm, um, I'm moving to La Jolla. I put in for the job transfer over the summer when things-well that's not important. It's just, he didn't tell you much, did he?"
"He said you were having problems but, you're leaving? The twins too?"
"Jared, no. We've had the problems, and we went through the motions and the fighting and the counseling and we agreed it was best. And we're a signature away from finishing this divorce and now he won't talk to me! We made the custody agreement and he knew I was moving back to La Jolla to be nearer to my parents and he said he'd sublet the rest of the lease on the house to help pay for the whole thing!"
Jared blinks. "You're, you're leaving with the twins and he's given up the house?"
Sophia nods. "After New Year's, like I promised. My new job starts in January, the twins are already enrolled in a preschool, and he said he would have an apartment by now. He just needs to sign this, Jared." Sophia holds up the folder.
"We made a really good deal here, Jared. I'm not asking for child support so long as he does his visits regularly, I know it's much considering he needs to stay here to be close to Eve and help you care for her."
Sophia makes a face. "I guess he didn't ask you about us taking her for New Year's so she can see off her little brothers and I can say goodbye-shit. I'm probably going to have to explain this whole divorce thing to her. Damn it, Chad!" Sophia sniffs, putting her hand over her nose and mouth, trying to hide the sadness and anger.
Jared sits on the edge of Sophia's desk. Puts his arm around her shoulder and she turns into his body, burying her face into his hoodie and he holds her in a soft embrace. "I'm sorry," Jared whispers and Sophia's body trembles with a muffled sound, somewhere between a sob and a hiccup.
"God damn it," Sophia pulls away and slides off her desk, trying to adjust and smooth down her hair and her outfit. Jared lifts the folder off her desk.
"I'll get him to sign it," Jared says quietly, picking up the angel costume as well. "And New Year's, you'll have Eve." Jared laughs. "New Year's Eve, get it? Huh?" Jared says, poking her in the side and she breathes deep.
"That's lame."
"I know."
Sophia looks down. "I just-I need to tell her that I love her, and that I'm going to be her Mommy, as long as she wants me to be. Or that is, as long as you'll let me be. For legal reasons or otherwise."
Jared nods. "You're always her mother, okay? Legal reasons or otherwise. You're stuck in my crazy family no matter what."
Sophia smiles. "Always joked that Eve doesn't have a family tree, it's more like ivy crawling on the side of a building, in all different directions."
**
Jared would have loved to storm into the library and carry Chad out by the scruff of his neck or slammed him into a bookcase for good measure. Just to show how seriously pissed off Jared is at him.
But when he gets there, Chad is busy reading to Eve and a bunch of other kids from the afterschool program. He's wearing this stupid looking wizard hat, and Jared tries to hold down the sweetness of the moment from overwhelming how upset he is at Chad. He finishes the book and the parents lead their children away from the circle and Jared pinches Chad's ear.
"Ow! Jared?"
"I need to talk to you, now!" Jared says through clenched teeth and Eve runs over to hug his knees.
"Daddy, I want ice-cream! Please please please!" Eve begs.
"Not today, Evie, I have to... Actually. Yes. We can go out for ice-cream. The three of us," Jared says taking Eve's hand and yanking Chad along, still wearing his wizard hat as he practically drags him to the car.
**
Eve is enjoying her ice cream and wearing Chad's wizard hat as she sits in the backseat of the car. Jared makes sure she's distracted enough by the kiddie music pumping through the speakers when he grabs Chad's ear again at the next red light.
"So when were you going to tell me about the divorce and Sophia moving away with the kids and you giving up your house, and by the way-where the hell were you going to live?"
Chad gapes. "Um, I was gonna, maybe ask Milo if I could crash for a few days?"
"And what if he says no?"
"Well, is your couch taken?" Chad asks with a smile.
Jared sighs, echoing Sophia. "God damn it, Chad."
"You shouldn't say God damn it, Daddy," Eve says from the backseat.
Jared looks over his shoulder, "Sorry baby."
"Who told you that?" Chad asks quickly.
"Doctor-Daddy Jensen," Eve answers, licking sprinkles off the back of her hand.
Chad turns to Jared, whispering, "What's his problem if someone says God damn it?"
Jared decides to not get into that argument quite yet. "I don't really like it when my five-year-old swears, either."
"She's gonna swear someday, Jared."
"Chad!" Jared snaps. "Look, that's not what we're talking about, you're asking me and Jensen to make a big accommodation for you here."
"Please?"
Jared stops the car, pulling to the curb outside Chad's place. "If you sign Sophia's papers, then you can stay with us."
Chad doesn't answer at first, fiddles with the door lock and gets out, opening the backdoor to say goodbye to Eve and moves her over to the passenger's side at her request.
Once Eve is all buckled and settled back in, Chad looks at Jared. "Well, do you have a pen?" Jared reaches up to the driver's side mirror and pulls out a pen and Sophia's folder.
Chad opens it up, and leans against the hood of Jared's car, signing the papers. He hands them back to Jared. "There. Done. I'll bring my stuff over after Christmas."
"Fine. Good." Jared nods and drives off.
"Christmas!" Eve shouts and Jared listens to her rattle off the twenty or thirty presents she's asked Santa for this year.
**
Jared rings the doorbell to what he hopes is the right apartment. He starts talking the second it opens and he sees that familiar face.
"So, in the span of a day, I've built a post-modern Christmas village out of gingerbread and gummy bears; soldered a halo from iron and silver; found out that I'm the reason Jensen is sexually frustrated and is going into therapy because of it; helped mediate my best friend's divorce, oh, and I decided without consulting with Jensen that we're going to let him move onto our couch once he loses his house in January.
"Which, by the way after telling that to my life-partner, or whatever euphemism for monogamous-male-lover-slash-adoptive-father-to-my-child you want me to use to describe Jensen," Jared takes a deep breath. "Because I have marriage issues, because I have a crazy family and I guess I'm getting off the subject at hand." Jared scratches the side of his neck.
"He just gave me a 'whatever' and put Eve to bed after she finally sugar-crashed from the ice-cream that I didn't realize was her dinner; because her other father is kind of an idiot-and please don't get me started opening that can of worms. Summary: it's San Francisco, Eve has three daddies," Jared nods.
"So now I can't sleep because I think he's shooting hate beams into the back of my head, and I can't talk to him about it because then we'll start fighting-but because I'm a talker (can you tell?) I need to get it out anyway but I'm too tired to fight it out right now."
Jared blows his bangs out of his face. "Mental exhaustion more so than physical-in case you were wondering. Anyway, my other friends are probably asleep but I know the crazy hours you guys in Grace's Heart keep and I was wondering if you were busy so can I come in?"
Misha blinks.
"I figured we could talk, y'know because we're neighbors, you almost ran over my kid, we both were involved in an elaborate sting operation today, you already know more about my sex life than I do, et cetera."
"How did you know which door's mine?" Misha asks, moving aside to let him in.
"I recognized your scooter parked out front. I like your decorations. Eastern Chinese-Buddhist influences and Tibetan."
"Right, you're an artist," Misha says closing his door as Jared flops himself down on the couch.
"Jensen told you, yeah? So how's this work? If you have to charge me for a session I understand."
Misha blinks again and walks into the other room, coming back out with two mugs and an unmarked bottle. "I'm not going to be your therapist. I don't 'work' on my friends."
"We're friends?" Jared asks.
"It's either you be my friend or I'm stuck with the guy next door that likes to get his paper with his robe open. And no underwear." Misha starts pouring what looks like wine into the mugs he's set down in front of them.
"So since Captain Freeball is probably asleep right now, we're stuck with each other. No analysis, but you can tell me about how horrible your day is and I promise to mock you for it later."
Misha clicks his tongue, turning his head to the other side. "And then you'll banter back to me about how if I didn't have you I'd be stuck with the nudist and I should be nicer to my friends and then I'll say something witty back at you. But you won't really be upset because we're friends and we always tease each other like this, remember?"
Jared frowns. "Mike says he does analysis for Jensen all the time."
"Michael Rosenbaum is a fucking cunt," Misha says, handing Jared a cup. Jared is almost stunned by his profanity and takes the proffered drink right away, before realizing he can't have alcohol any more, and stops himself from taking a sip.
"I can't drink now. I mean, I'm, not really in the mood to drink," Jared says.
"It's not wine, it's cold green tea with honey. I brew it myself, so I use whatever bottles I have around. This time, it was wine."
"Oh," Jared takes a sip, and it's pretty good. "There's not a lot of caffeine in this, right?"
Misha scoffs. "What are you, pregnant?"
Jared decides to play it off like sarcasm. "Yes, four months along now."
"See!" Misha laughs. "We're bantering like old times already."
"But how can I talk to you like we're friends if you're Jensen’s, y'know, counselor now? You know all about the issues we're having."
"Eh, I'll get him a referral. I think he and I should be friends too."
Jared narrows his eyes. "Because it would piss Mike off."
"God, yes. That would be awesome."
Jared laughs, deep and long and almost spits up tea on himself but Misha claps him on the back a couple of times and he's fine.
"Thanks," he says to Misha.
Misha puts his mug down. "Do you want me to get you a referral too? I mean, if talking to somebody would help?"
"Nah," Jared shakes his head. "I'm really good at just talking and talking until my problems come tumbling out and then the solutions usually follow if I keep rambling. It's this stream of consciousness thing I do."
" I've noticed," Misha says.
"Either that or I end up pounding a block of clay until life makes sense again."
"Whatever works."
They sit in silence, until Jared turns to Misha and opens his mouth to just tell him everything. About where Eve came from and how he's done it again and the weird dreams with Heqet and the frogs and the fear that maybe he's cursed and his life is folding in on itself. And that he feels almost completely responsible for Jensen's frustrations.
But he stops himself from saying all that and just closes his mouth tight. Misha laughs. "What? What did you want to say? It looked important."
Jared thinks a moment. "Wanna see my gingerbread Christmas village before it's torn to shreds by hungry kindergarteners tomorrow?"
Misha moves his head from side to side. "Was that it?"
"We can eat all the wonky pieces and leftover icing." Jared offers.
"Let's go."
**
"You built this all by yourself?" Misha says, flicking the cookie swingset Jared had placed in the gummy bear family's backyard.
"It's been in the works for a while now. I'm not starting any new art projects for a while, so I wanted to do this so I'd have something to occupy my spare time."
Misha grabs another gumdrop from Jared's bag of unused candies. "So what are you doing instead of art?"
"Going on leave next semester."
"Don't teaching artists usually do that so they can start a project? Or do an artist's residency?"
"It's uhh," Jared stumbles, "it's to take care of a family issue, kind of?"
"Something with Eve?" Misha asks.
"Sort of? It's complicated," Jared says, hoping that's enough.
Just then Jensen walks into the kitchen, carrying Eve with him. "You're still awake, Jared?" Then he sighs. "Put those back, now, Evie, because Doctor Daddy is blind and he'll stuff you in the vegetable crisper by accident."
Eve makes a razzing sound with her tongue and puts the glasses she'd slid off of Jensen's nose back on his face.
"You're up, too?" Jared asks.
Jensen nods. "Someone jumped on my face while I was sleeping."
"Daddy, my tummy hurts," Eve says, reaching out towards Jared.
"Well maybe next time your Dad will remember to tell me if I'm giving you ice-cream on an empty stomach," Jared says squeezing her hand briefly. Jensen grabs something from the cabinet, and sets her down on the countertop, and opens the fridge.
"Eve, eat the saltines, you need some real food. I'll make you something to drink."
"I don't wanna!" Eve says, throwing the plastic packet down on the floor. Jensen retrieves it and she pouts but eats the cracker he pops in her mouth anyway.
"You have to eat something, Eve, or I can't give you the tummy ache medicine," Jensen explains.
"Have you tried a flat coke?" Misha offers, and Jared realizes that he's been strategically hidden behind the gingerbread house, and Jensen hasn't yet realized.
Jensen snorts. "Giving Eve too much sugar's what caused the problem in the first place and-waitaminute, who said that?" Jensen asks, turning around.
"The scooter-guy said it," Eve says, pointing to Misha, peeking out from behind the candy structure. He gives Jensen a little wave.
"…You're in my kitchen now?" Jensen says in a very tight, quiet voice, but it gets louder when he walks over to Misha. "You are in my house, why are you in my house now? What exactly did I do to you in past life to-"
"Jared invited me over," Misha says, ratting him right out. Some friend, Jared thinks to himself.
"Well you didn't have to come all the way just for us," Jensen says.
"I told you Jensen, Misha lives like, five doors down from us. He got the empty apartment that the Wrigley's moved out of this summer."
Jensen scrunches his face up even more. "Well, yeah that's great, you're in my neighborhood, in my kitchen, anything else I should know?"
Misha snaps his fingers. "I almost killed your kid with my scooter, Jimmy."
Eve giggles into her hand as Jensen looks like he's about to go on a screaming fit, or possibly break a glass. Jared decides to try and diffuse it as quickly as possible.
"Milk and honey!" Jared says. They all look at him, and he drops his voice back down to a reasonable volume. "Eve should have some milk and honey for her stomach, and to put her right back to sleep."
"Fine," Jensen says, and angrily pours a glass of milk for her. Jared stands up.
"Hey, let me-" Jared offers to help.
"I got this-" Jensen says.
"Should I go-?" Misha says.
"I want pizza," Eve says and Jared can see the look of horror on Jensen's face indicating she's said something particularly Chad-like and Jensen wants to scrub that thought right out of her head.
Jared jumps up and moves and grabs the Honey Bear from the cupboard. "You're getting milk and honey and graham crackers and then you're going to take some medicine and I'm tucking you right into bed, Evelyn," Jared finishes on a warning tone, and Eve nods.
Jared puts the mug in the microwave, letting the sound of it humming fill the now silent room, Misha and Jensen both looking absolutely discomfited by the situation. Jared sighs. "Hey, Jensen, why don't you go back to bed? I got this."
"I'm fine," Jensen mutters, and then freezes. "Did you just roll your eyes at me?" Jensen snaps at Misha.
"I'm looking at the roof on this thing, how'd you make it look so seamless?" Misha asks pointing to the Gingerbread mansion.
"Um, I used a hand torch and food coloring in the icing to match the gingerbread pieces," Jared says as the microwave beeps and he quickly stirs in the honey to the milk.
Jared grabs Eve's hand, "Eve, let's get you to bed now," Jared says, taking her by the hand and leading her back into her bedroom. She drinks the warm milk in bed while he reads her a quick story, and it might be doing the trick along with the Children's Pepto. Eve has a bit more color in her cheek when he tucks her in.
"You want another story? Or can I turn the big light out now?" he asks, half-anxious to get back down to the kitchen and make sure his Gingerbread sculpture is still intact.
God forbid they start arguing and someone flings an arm out and knocks a piece off. Jared feels his stomach clench at the thought of all that work he'd have to put in to fix it.
Eve shakes her head, she hasn't let go of his hand yet, though. "Stay here, Daddy," she says plainly, and Jared obliges. It's not long before her breathing goes quiet and Jared can turn off the big light, leaving her door just slightly ajar so the hall light can keep her from getting scared.
Jared walks back into the kitchen just as Misha says:
"I just happen to think Mike Rosenbaum is an overgrown frat boy that believes almost everything the pharmaceutical companies try to shove down his throat when it comes to pushing for medication rather than a combination of chemical and psychotherapy."
Misha pauses for a breath. "And that he’s living in denial of his incredibly strong, latent homosexual preferences and will end up in a sexless marriage with some poor woman while he diddles with Tom on the side. That's just my professional opinion." Misha clears his throat. "My personal opinion is that he is a fucking cunt."
Jared takes a deep breath, ready to jump in between them if necessary. Jensen wouldn't hit the guy carrying his baby, would he?
Jensen surprises them both though, when after a pause he says. "Well, yeah of I knew that, but he's still my friend. Even if he is a semi-closeted asshole."
Jared can't help it, he bursts out laughing, the combination of what Jensen said, mixed with the unflappable, serious tone he delivered it in-it’s really too much.
"What?" Jensen asks. "It's not that funny, Jared."
"Um, hello?" Jared waves his hand. "With that said, you have just officially lost all license to nag me about still being friends with Chad, okay?"
"Man, I guess we'll never be friends unless I start treating you like crap," Misha says.
Jensen sneers. "You already treat me like crap."
"No, I treat you like a patient because you have treated me like a quack doctor from day one."
Jensen grinds his jaw. "That's not…entirely true."
"I should go," Jared says.
"No," Misha says, shaking his head. "I should go, you two get to have the deep, meaningful heart-to-heart now. Thanks for the gingerbread!" Misha says as he lets himself out the back door, screen sliding shut with a whoosh and Jared looks back up at Jensen.
"You probably don't want to talk about it now, do you?"
Jensen adjusts his glasses. "I got the feeling you might need me to actually explain it-"
"No, I figured it out, I've just been so overwhelmed by today," Jared says, sitting down at the kitchen table, moving a chair out for Jensen to join him.
"Yeah, I got that," Jensen says as he sits down, placing his hand over Jared's on the table. "Today's kind of shot then?"
"We can talk tomorrow."
"In the morning? I have to be at work before dawn."
"Eve's school play is in the evening."
"It's why I took the early shift, so I can try and make it there, maybe have a nap in-between."
"We'll talk on Saturday, then. Eve will be at Sophia's for Christmas before she and the twins are off to La Jolla. God, that's gonna be a fun conversation, I told her I could sit in and-shit, there goes Saturday and possibly Sunday."
"Which means I'll have the whole weekend to myself to wrap and sneak presents into their house," Jensen says, resigned.
"Make Katie and her fiancée come help you, I heard he loves sticking bows on things. I think I'm helping Chad pack the apartment up into the storage unit on the 27th."
"I'm at work the 26th, and like hell you're moving his two-ton boxes of books. I'll go over there with Tommy. He's better for heavy lifting."
Jared leans forward. "How about a week from next Tuesday. Let's talk then?"
Jensen smiles. "You mean, next year? Yeah, I think next year's better for this conversation."
"I'm kind of burnt out on this year anyhow," Jared says, leaning back in his seat. "So New Year's, we'll talk sometime then."
"I'll pencil you in for January."
Jared opens his mouth to deliver an equally snarky quip back to Jensen only, something in between the thought in his head, and the words coming out of his mouth shifts and suddenly, all he can think of his How can I explain it to you then, the farther I get, the more awkward I'm going to feel letting you see me in my own skin.
And what comes out, is "I'm afraid to let you touch me right now."
Jensen freezes, and then Jared feels a reassuring grip on his hand. "Jared," he says and Jared just keeps going with where his mind is taking him.
"It was different before, because I didn't-we didn't have this history, and this routine and this life we've sort of pieced together through the years. You were just this guy I wanted, I wanted so bad to have the baby out of me already, so I could just jump on top of you and be the person I saw myself as, but with you."
Jensen nods Jared on. Jared closes his eyes, giving himself another moment to gather it all together again.
He opens his eyes, saying, "I just wanted you to want me back when I was normal again. And then-well I got really crazy hormonal towards the end, and then I had my little episode after the operation when I got all: 'Oh shit, I'm somebody's father now and I can't date the really cute doctor without making him pretty much marry me, because that's how crazy I am, and if he dumps me I won't recover because I got so attached and...' Well, you get the point."
"How cute of a doctor we talkin' about?" Jensen asks with a smile.
Jared shakes his head. "I was scared and there was a baby and I ran away from you because I didn't want to deal with how intense I felt and how I didn't think you could ever reciprocate."
"Jared, that's what happened then, I want you to talk to me about now. Now, why you won't let me-" Jensen sighs.
"Why you don't want us to express anything, physically. Anything beyond kissing or holding and the second I even start to get close enough to you, you'll pull back. I get that you're not comfortable with going back to our regular sex life but c'mon! We can still do some of those things, right?" Jensen gets out, head bowed down.
"We could but," Jared takes in a deep breath. "Then we'll just keep doing them and I'll keep getting bigger and looking weirder and soon it'll start making you uncomfortable and you'll push me away and that fucking scares the crap out of me!" Jared says in one big burst.
He's reeling from what it force his way the through the awkwardness of Oh god, I'm saying it, I'm saying and it's real. Jared clears his throat.
"This is hard to say to you, Jensen. Because it's so damn humiliating that I'm going to turn into a big, fat pregnant thing again and my body will make me crazy with hormones and pains and the kicking will start up and the kicking freaks me the hell out on top of all the other gross things that I'm not looking forward to going through again."
"Jared!" Jensen says. "Are you saying you've been holding out on me because you're embarrassed by the way you're going to look in a few months?"
"That, and the fact that I'm carrying around an extra person inside me. It's kind of off-setting to my qi."
"God forbid, the fact that you are carrying my baby would off-set your qi," Jensen says, putting his hand down on Jared's stomach. "Lord have mercy on you that you start to carry a beautiful, healthy, real baby inside of you, and that your body takes all the necessary measures it needs to make sure it grows and develops and comes out as perfect as Eve did."
"Jensen?" Jared asks as he feels Jensen pulling him up to stand close, moving into an embrace and Jensen's hand still on his stomach, right where it is.
"Did you ever think for a moment how fascinating you are to me? The way that your body changes and keeps you alive during this whole time, making you strong enough to do this. Making you into something you're not for just this amazing, brief moment in time. Don't you think I know what's happening to you every step of the way? You might think it's gross and painful and miserable and humiliating but, Jared," Jensen breathes.
"We're having a baby," Jensen says quietly, "and it's all you. You're doing it all over again, for me and you and our family and we get to do this together someone that's a little bit of me and a little bit you. I am nothing but grateful for you being who you are, and that we get to have something no one else does."
Jared bites down on the inside of his mouth. "See, you're not allowed to say things to me right now, because I knew you'd just-fucking take it all and make it all, logical and beautiful and stuff."
"You're just upset that I'm charming my way back into your pants," Jensen says, leaning forward and tilting his head up to kiss Jared's jaw. Then Jared meets his mouth, crushing them together in a furious kiss.
Jensen reaches both hands into Jared's hair and pulls, their bodies moving together again, and Jared can feel Jensen growing hard, grinding into his thigh and his hipbones.
Jensen's got a hand hooking down his pants and grabbing him, and fuck! It makes him shiver where he's standing, jolt of realization and blood to his brain that Jensen wants him.
This hot, gorgeous man wants him and Jared pushes the glasses off his face, letting them drop to the floor as he kisses Jensen back, this time his tongue swirling into Jensen's mouth, making him rock back on his feet with the intensity.
Jared wants him to feel it, wants him to feel how crazy Jensen is making him now, how much he loves him and wants him and Jensen moves back, trying to ground himself.
Jared pushes Jensen down onto the flat surface of the table, sweeping away anything in his way as Jensen pants into his mouth, now they're grinding-curving their hips into each other and Jared can hear him moan his name into the kisses and Jared moans right back, tasting him and inhaling the scent of-
Gingerbread.
"Oh, fuck me," Jared says as he lifts up his head to see the destruction caused by slamming Jensen down on top of the table, and shoving the gingerbread masterpiece off onto the floor.
"If you really want to," Jensen whispers into his ear. "You could fuck me too or-"
"Jensen, look," Jared says and Jensen finally takes notice of the fact he's laying down on gingerbread slices and he's got gumdrops and icing in his hair.
"… Damn it, so is that a candy cane on my?"
"No, I'm just happy to see you," Jared says.
They both look at one another. Jensen finally says. "C'mon, I'll help you put it back together." And he starts shifting to get off the table.
"Or, we could finish this, and go buy a box of Entenmann's for the class."
Jensen furrows his brow. "Won't Eve be disappointed?"
Jared thinks for a moment. "Yeah, but she does love those chewy chocolate chip cookies."
Jensen shrugs. "Good enough for me," and yanks Jared back down to his mouth.
**
The Canopic Jar