FIC: Plumbing Made Easy
Title: Plumbing Made Easy
Characters/Pairings: Jensen/Jared
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3,834
Thanks: dark_reaction is my little yellow umbrella, and a kickass beta.
Summary: Jensen loves it when a plan comes together.
Notes: For fluffandfold! Adapted from the prompt: Jared tries to be handy in the kitchen and fix a leak under the sink. Jensen is amused, watches and adds color commentary to the job. Water ends up every where, boys get wet and clothing must be removed
Plumbing Made Easy:
It's Saturday morning, Jared's at the breakfast table eating and studying the back of a cereal box (how do they make it stay crunchy in milk?) and Jensen's staring down the waffle iron, tapping his fingers on the counter while waiting for it to beep.
"It's not gonna go off if you watch it," Jared says as he swallows another spoonful.
"That's not what you said last night." Jensen smiles, and Jared almost snorts Corn Pops through his nose.
But it does go off, and Jensen happily plates what could possibly the tastiest Belgian waffle he's had since the last one. Only then he turns on his heel, he slips, falling down on his ass and sending the waffle flying.
"What the hell?" Jensen yells, and Jared jumps to his feet, crossing to the kitchen to help him up. "Why is the floor wet?"
Jared looks at the puddle, connecting the trail of water to the cabinets under the kitchen sink. "Huh, looks like the sink is leaking."
There are gears turning in Jared's head. Jensen's pretty sure he's the only one that can see them, and that does not bode well for his lazy Saturday plans. Plans that involved staying in, and watching the game with Jared on the couch, slumping against one another legs and arms akimbo and tangling with each other. Plans that involved a nice, slow post-game fuck, followed by some Chinese take-out and cold beer. The whole day ahead of him with nothing to do but Jared, over and over.
"We should call a plumber," Jensen says quickly as he stands up, trying to get those gears to stop turning.
"Nah, I'm pretty sure I can fix it."
"I'm pretty sure you should call a plumber-" but Jared's already looking under the sink, poking at the leaky pipes. His cereal is forgotten, and getting soggier by the minute. Jensen resigns himself that this day is not a day for football, sex, and relaxation.
It's going to be an extra-strong coffee day.
***
"Jay, call a plumber and come watch the game with me."
"I've got it under control, Jensen!" Jared says as Jensen passes through the kitchen for a coffee refill. "I can fix a sink, alright?"
"So can a plumber."
"Plumbers cost money."
"So do new sinks," Jensen grumbles and sips his coffee as he leans against the kitchen island.
Jared turns and adds: "Besides, you're Tivo-ing the game for me, right?"
"No?"
"You're such a bad liar," Jared says, smiling and ducking his head back under the sink.
Jensen amuses himself by appreciating the nice view of Jared's rear end until the sink makes a horrid, rumbling sound and Jared scoots back on his heals, dropping his wrench and lifting his hands as if to show his innocence.
The sound stops, and Jared lets out a breath. "Ohh-kay, so I should turn it to the left."
Jensen sighs.
***
Jared's covered in water, and he reeks of something decidedly septic. But he's pretty sure he's almost got it fixed. He's already halfway there, having figured out how to turn off the water so he won't get drenched anymore.
Jared pushes and pulls, tightening the last of the loose bolts, and grunting against the strain of the rusty pipes and even rustier pieces that fell off the pipe. Jared's pretty sure duct tape can replace most of the things that fell off though.
"I think...that'll do it!" Jared gives final tug, feeling the bolt slide tightly into place. Jensen suddenly shouts, it kinda throws him so he lets go of the wrench and falls back flat against the kitchen floor.
He's aware of a very loud, very quick stomping sound nearing him and Jensen's irritated face stares down at him, the foot by his ear tapping loudly. He's wearing a towel, and his hair is wet and sticking up in spikes.
"Jared, why is the bathtub drain spewing noodles and brown stuff?"
"Umm..."
"I'm fairly certain if the sink is fixed, then I shouldn't be showering in soup."
"Y'see..."
"Call a plumber!"
"I can fix it!"
"Soup! Bathtub full of soup!"
"So I'll get you a spoon!" Jared sits up and pouts, cross-legged on the kitchen floor. "Can we just stop yelling?"
Jensen sighs and leans against the cabinets, slowly sliding down them to join Jared on the kitchen floor. He puts his hand on Jared's knee, patting it and settling there. Jared scoots closer, and Jensen opens up his arms and Jared crawls on top of him, kissing Jensen's neck and inhaling deeply. Jensen's still wet from the shower, soap and warm water lingering on his skin. Jensen tucks him in close as Jared's face nuzzles his chest, his shirt still damp from sink-water and sweat.
"I’m sorry I yelled," Jensen says into Jared's hair.
"S'okay."
"It's just-Jared, it smells like soup and coffee grounds in there. It's really bad." And Jared lets out a howl of laughter, Jensen scrunches his nose up, and lightly shoves him off his lap. Jared keeps laughing though, and gets to his feet.
"Seriously? I gotta smell this!" He runs down the hall towards the bathroom and Jensen just smiles to himself, finally breaking with laughter when he hears Jared lose it.
"Oh my god! It's like soup and coffee and ass in here!"
"Plumber!" Jensen shouts, half-heartedly.
"That too!"
***
"I'm going to leave you, Jay."
"No you're not."
"I'm going to leave you for a plumber."
"No, you're not. You're stuck with me until I decide to give you the antidote." Jared says, sticking his hand out behind his back. "Scalpel."
"Very funny, Jared."
"Crescent wrench; you're no fun."
Jensen rolls his eyes and digs around the toolbox for the wrench and places it in Jared's hand. "It's getting late,." Jensen says, turning to check the kitchen clock.
"Thingy."
"Fuck!, It's one in the morning, Jared!"
"Wipey-thing, Jensen. The thingy!"
"Rag?"
"Yes! Rag-thing."
Jensen puts the red rag in Jared's outstretched hand. "C'mon Jared, let's just call it a night."
"Sure, after I fix this."
Jensen sighs but it's Jared. He's been working on the damn sink all day, maybe he's being too cynical, Jared's a resourceful guy. Maybe he's finally figured it out and he can clean the soupy dirty mess out of the tub and take a nice shower and-
"Gyaah!" Jared leaps away as Jensen gets a face full of ice-cold water. Jared shuts the water valve off and sheepishly apologizes for forgetting to do so in the first place.
Then again, maybe it's time for a new plan, Jensen thinks as he frog-marches Jared to bed.
***
When Jensen drops the phonebook on the table, Jared's cereal jumps up a little in the bowl, it's kinda cool. "If you don't call a plumber today, I will divorce you."
"Jensen-"
"I found one that will do a consultation, over the phone, for free. You tell them the problem, and they will essentially explain what they'll do, and then you can just do it yourself. Please for the love of god, promise me you'll just call, okay?"
Jared stirs his cereal around and makes a non-committal noise under his breath.
"Just, look I marked it with a post-it. All you have to do is call the number, tell them the problem, and let them help you fix it. There's nothing wrong with asking for help."
"I can fix-"
"Divorce!"
"We're not married!"
Jensen crosses his arms. "Well with that kind of attitude, you'll always be a bridesmaid, never a bride." Jensen smiles and leans down to place a chaste kiss to Jared's temple.
"I hate you," Jared says, flicking cereal at Jensen as he leaves. Jared misses, maybe on purpose, or maybe it's to distract himself from the phonebook and the chore Jensen has left for him. Admit defeat-that he really doesn't know how to fix the sink, and he may have fucked it up worse than it was before.
But, if Jensen's right, and he doesn't actually have to get a plumber to come over and tell him exactly how bad he's fucked up his sink, and a little advice couldn't hurt. Jared grabs the cordless phone and flips the book open to the page Jensen marked with the sticky note.
There's no ad circled. Jensen's just jotted down the name and number for him on the note, "EZ Plumbing, 555-3938." Jared thinks he recognizes the number, but doesn't dwell too much on it and dials quickly so he doesn't back down.
The line rings twice before someone on the other end picks up. "EZ Plumbing."
"Hi," Jared starts, his mind immediately going blank when he's not really concentrating. "I, uh, my uh, someone told me I could talk to someone about my problems."
"Ain't running no 'Dear Abby' operation here, kid." The gravelly voice on the other end of the line is snickering at him, he can tell.
"No! No, my uh-it's my sink. My sink has problems, not me!"
"I'll bet it does."
Jared huffs at the implication. "So, can I talk to someone, like a consult? I can do that, right?"
"Sure. I'm sending one of my guys over right now."
"Wait, what? No, no that's not what I meant. I just want to talk-"
"Sorry mac, he's already on his way over."
"But I didn't even tell you-" The doorbell rings, Jared's jaw goes to the floor. Jensen must have called ahead for a plumber, sneaky bastard.
"You should get that," the voice on the other end says succinctly. "It's rude to keep a fella waitin' outside like that."
Jared clicks off the phone and stomps over to the door, throwing it open and the plumber looks up from under his gray cap and gives him the sweetest, smuggest smile he can, eyes sparkling with mischief.
"You call a plumber, mac?" Jensen says in a rather disturbing caricature of a Brooklyn accent.
Jared really doesn't know how he keeps from collapsing to the floor in a fit of laughter, but Jensen pushes past him by then, and he takes in the outfit he must have thrown on in the hallway. Gray work-pants, white wife-beater underneath Jared's gas-station attendant jacket his sister got him at a flea market because the nametag reads "Butch" and she is just pure evil.
Jared closes the door, he's grinning ear to ear now. "Um, I guess so?"
"So," Jensen takes off his hat and shoves it in his back pocket, "you gonna show me where the problem is?" His expression goes slightly serious and Jared nods and leads him to the kitchen sink. Jensen does a mild appraisal of the area before stopping short.
"Looks like this is gonna be a messy one," he shucks off his jacket so he's just in the wifebeater. "Wouldn't want to get this wet, and geez, wouldn't ya know I'm wearing white today?" Jensen peels off the wife beater, tossing that aside too, and Jared draws in a sharp breath.
Jensen grins and leans down to open the cabinet doors, and checks the mess under the sink, clicking his tongue in disapproval.
"Easy plumbing, huh?"
Jensen whips around, giving him the eyebrow. "Hey, that's just a name pal, not a descriptive term!"
"So, what? I gotta buy you dinner first?"
Jensen laughs quietly, cocks his head to one side. "It always the same, dirty pipes? Dirty boy."
"You have no idea," Jared says as he steps closer to him, and then Jensen backs him against the kitchen island, trapping him in-between his arms, leaning against the counter.
"Oh I know your type, mac. Your pipes are, all backed up." Jensen bites his lower lip, leans his mouth to Jared's ear and whispers, "I'm gonna havta snake 'em."
"Oh?" Jared manages, feeling his skin prickle as Jensen's breath trails breath tickles his skin, running down his ear and neck.
Jensen pulls back and grabs Jared by the thighs, quickly lifting him up on the counter before he realizes what's going on. "Now, let's see if I can find my trusty snake." And that's when Jared loses it and starts laughing because Jensen's unzipping the fly of Jared's jeans, tongue sticking out the side of his mouth.
He stops laughing when Jensen's hand wraps around his cock.
"Ahhh, there it is. Y'know, I think it might not be big enough? Luckily, this fella's the expandable model." Jensen's hand starts to run up and down the shaft carefully and both of Jared's hands are over his mouth to keep from laughing again. It's just so silly and sweet and god damn sexy all at once. Jensen continues, pulling a tube of KY from his pocket. "Good thing I remembered the oil too, it might be a bit rusty..."
"Hey!"
"Well I haven't had a chance to use it in a while,." Jensen says, almost breaking character and biting the cap off with his teeth.
Jared actually can't argue with that too much, and Jensen's slick fingers are working his cock out of his boxers, as it hardens and Jared's hands go back over his mouth when Jensen's lips touch the cockhead. Jensen sucks him, until he can start taking Jared's cock deeper into his mouth. And then it's wet warm mouth swallowing him, fingers digging into his thighs like clamps.
When Jared comes, jerks his head and bangs it against one of the hanging metal pots. Jensen swallows him for the most part, but when he pulls back, fuck, his come is all over the side of Jensen's mouth.
"Such a dirty, messy boy," Jensen rasps.
"Yeah," Jared pants, trying to ignore the dizziness in his head and the urge to lick Jensen's face clean. His legs are feeling pretty boneless anyway, he should probably wait until he gets back feeling in them before he can jump Jensen properly.
Jensen wipes the side of his mouth, Jared tries not to sigh with disappointment. "See, I thought that'd clean you up good, mac. But I'm afraid your pipes are way, way too backed up."
Jared nods. "Yeah, we've sorta got a soup thing going on in the shower."
Jensen shudders inwardly, but continues. "See, I think I'm going to have to take care of your plumbing personally. The old-fashioned way, with my own two hands."
"Okay, see I hit my head and I'm losing the innuendo?"
"I'm gonna fuck you-you hit your head?"
"Awesome. Yeah, just kind of banged it right here." Jared points to the side of his head and Jensen kisses it, wraps his arms around Jared and helps him off the countertop. Turns around and heads towards the bedroom, unhooking his belt as he goes, tossing that over his shoulder at Jared. Jared goes right after Jensen, stripping as quick as he can. Out of his shirt, and socks, and pulling his jeans and boxers the rest of the way off by the time he gets to the room.
Jared dives onto the bed before Jensen can get to it, landing on his side and looking up at him coyly.
"So what's this about my pipes?"
Jensen joins him, lying down next to him. "Mmm hmmm, gonna have to take a closer look at them."
"Should I?" And Jensen answers his question by pressing Jared's shoulder, signaling for him to lie on his belly. Jensen runs his hands up and down the backs of Jared's thighs, rubbing and kneading his muscles into relaxation before moving higher to rest on his buttocks. Pressing harder now, Jared is only half-startled when Jensen's lips are on the small of his back, and then begin to move lower.
"Jensen?" Jared just barely whispers, but doesn't need to question if Jensen's sure he wants to do that. Jensen silences him with the sound of the cap of the lube opening again.
Slick fingers first, stretching him open, Jensen knows what he's doing. "It's okay, if I take a closer look, right?" Jensen says, trying to keep it playful.
Jared's face is burning, flush of excitement and nerves. The position itself, the act always made him feel vulnerable in the past, it's only out of habit the he feels nervous.
Jensen's fingers touching his flanks, mouth descending slowly and finally touching him at his entrance. His heart pounds in his chest and his dick gets half hard and Jensen's barely touched him yet. And then his tongue slips out, licking at his entrance, Jared rocks into it, towards his mouth. Jensen takes the cue and opens Jared more, spreading him open with his hands and penetrating him.
It used to leave Jared feeling raw, exposed to the world. But not with Jensen. It just takes a while for Jared to remember that there's no one else but Jensen. No one but Jensen can see him like this, can touch him like this. And no one but Jared can have Jensen. The nerves melt away and Jared finally relaxes as Jensen goes deeper into him. He's groaning and rutting against the bed, cock brought back to life and leaking against the sheets.
Jensen draws back and breathes, cock hardening as Jared moaned and writhed beneath him, sometimes that was all it took to get Jensen started.
Jared turns over onto his back at Jensen's quiet insistence. He was right about the flush, his freckles pop off his skin, red in his cheeks and lips; and Jared can still picture the come on his face, and just where else his mouth has been today.
"So," Jensen pauses to exhale, composing himself. "I think I'm gonna--" he tugs Jared's legs so he lifts them up to hook over his shoulders. "Gonna have to, fuck, take care, of it." Jensen's breathless with desire, just needing to fuck him raw, now, while he's still writhing beneath him, disheveled and lovely.
Jensen slicks up his cock and eases into Jared wordlessly, watching his face as his eyes slip shut and feeling Jared tense his muscles around his cock. He holds onto his legs and begins to push deeper, pulling back, and then thrusting hard into him. Jared's head drops back onto the pillows and one of his legs starts to fall off Jensen's shoulders, because Jensen's fisting his cock with his free hand. Jared grips the sheets and falls away into Jensen's rhythm. Cock sliding in and out of him, Jensen gripping his thigh and his cock as he buries himself deep into Jared, snapping back and doing it again and again.
Jared swallows, nodding yes to some unasked question. It's like the Joyce novel, where's he's reached his hundred-page orgasm and all he wants to do it say "Yes" and come against Jensen's face so he can pin him down and lick it off. But Jensen holds him and stops, delaying his orgasm as best he can, continuing his thrusting and groaning and fucking tease of a handjob on his cock. It's like his fingers are feathers and Jared can feel the sting of water in his eyes from the intensity of his need to come.
"Fucking-" Jared spits out. "C'mon!"
Jensen smiles, nuzzles his sweat-slicked face against the inside of Jared's leg, mouthing a kiss there and forgetting where his hand his, squeezing tight. Jared comes with a shout, falling back on the mattress, curving his spine, lifting his hips to Jensen and curling his toes.
Jared slips down, muscles go slack as he melts into the bed, boneless puddle of himself. Jensen's still thrusting into him until he stops, clamping his mouth shut and spending himself, balls-deep in Jared. He gasps as he opens his eyes, pulling out and crashing against the comforter with a satisfied mewl.
"Job... well done..." Jared drawls out.
"I'll send you the estimate." Jensen adds, and they both crack up, laughing like maniacs.
***
"So, was this your plan for today?" Jared asks as he lolls on his back, staring at the ceiling. Jensen's at his side, lying on his stomach, resting his head on a pillow.
"Well, half of it actually. The other half of my brilliant plan is to tell you the Westminster Dog show is on this afternoon, so you'll be too caught up with that and I can get a real plumber in here."
Jared's eyes go wide and he turns to lean on his side, facing Jensen. "Dog show?"
"Dog show," Jensen mumbles into the pillow.
"Dog show! All afternoon long? Can we make out during the commercials? And during toy dogs? You know those little mini-poodles freak me the hell out. I mean, they're just so damn tiny and their little legs look like they might snap, and I seriously-"
Jensen puts a finger to Jared's lips. "Promise not to go near the sink?"
"... Will there be shaggy dogs? And possibly some inappropriate touching?"
"I'm pretty sure the inappropriate touching is mandatory."
Jared kisses him. "Then I promise to leave the sink alone." And he kisses him again, and again, and maneuvers Jensen onto his back against the mattress using his mouth. Jared towers over his body and Jensen pauses kissing to stop and touch his face.
"I love you, you know," Jensen says.
"Not gonna leave me for a plumber?"
"I'll make a bride out of you yet."
Jared laughs and resumes kissing him, moving down from mouth to chin, to neck and chest, feeling Jensen's pulse flutter beneath his lips. Jensen's hands are tugging at his hair as he grinds up against him, and Jared feels Jensen's cock starting to harden, and he smiles against his stomach.
***
Later, they settle in the living room couch with pillows, blankets, beer, and snacks. The plumber comes, and Jensen makes a big deal about lying across Jared's lap so he won't get up, but Jared knows he's really just doing it because he likes it when Jared unconsciously starts rubbing his head. He finishes the job in about 90 minutes, and Jared clamps his hand across Jensen's mouth and says: "Not one word!" Jensen laughs and play-wrestles against him.
By the time the dog show is over, Jared's lying on his back and Jensen's lolling on top of him, their limbs tangling together. Jared kisses him first, slight touch of lips to his cheek, and Jensen returns it in spades, kissing his mouth open and moving to straddle Jared's hips.
"Mmm, how 'bout," Jared pauses mid-sentence, runs a hand on the side of Jensen's face, rubbing his cheek.
Jensen murmurs, "How 'bout we fuck again, nice and slow, and then watch the game I recorded, and order Chinese food?"
Jared's smile splits his face and he nods. "Sounds like a plan." Jensen descends on his mouth again, loving it when a plan comes together.
Of course, that's when the cable box makes a weird beeping noise, and the screen goes black. Jared stops and stares at the monitor. "Huh..."
Jensen sighs when he sees the gears turning again.
end.
Characters/Pairings: Jensen/Jared
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3,834
Thanks: dark_reaction is my little yellow umbrella, and a kickass beta.
Summary: Jensen loves it when a plan comes together.
Notes: For fluffandfold! Adapted from the prompt: Jared tries to be handy in the kitchen and fix a leak under the sink. Jensen is amused, watches and adds color commentary to the job. Water ends up every where, boys get wet and clothing must be removed
Plumbing Made Easy:
It's Saturday morning, Jared's at the breakfast table eating and studying the back of a cereal box (how do they make it stay crunchy in milk?) and Jensen's staring down the waffle iron, tapping his fingers on the counter while waiting for it to beep.
"It's not gonna go off if you watch it," Jared says as he swallows another spoonful.
"That's not what you said last night." Jensen smiles, and Jared almost snorts Corn Pops through his nose.
But it does go off, and Jensen happily plates what could possibly the tastiest Belgian waffle he's had since the last one. Only then he turns on his heel, he slips, falling down on his ass and sending the waffle flying.
"What the hell?" Jensen yells, and Jared jumps to his feet, crossing to the kitchen to help him up. "Why is the floor wet?"
Jared looks at the puddle, connecting the trail of water to the cabinets under the kitchen sink. "Huh, looks like the sink is leaking."
There are gears turning in Jared's head. Jensen's pretty sure he's the only one that can see them, and that does not bode well for his lazy Saturday plans. Plans that involved staying in, and watching the game with Jared on the couch, slumping against one another legs and arms akimbo and tangling with each other. Plans that involved a nice, slow post-game fuck, followed by some Chinese take-out and cold beer. The whole day ahead of him with nothing to do but Jared, over and over.
"We should call a plumber," Jensen says quickly as he stands up, trying to get those gears to stop turning.
"Nah, I'm pretty sure I can fix it."
"I'm pretty sure you should call a plumber-" but Jared's already looking under the sink, poking at the leaky pipes. His cereal is forgotten, and getting soggier by the minute. Jensen resigns himself that this day is not a day for football, sex, and relaxation.
It's going to be an extra-strong coffee day.
***
"Jay, call a plumber and come watch the game with me."
"I've got it under control, Jensen!" Jared says as Jensen passes through the kitchen for a coffee refill. "I can fix a sink, alright?"
"So can a plumber."
"Plumbers cost money."
"So do new sinks," Jensen grumbles and sips his coffee as he leans against the kitchen island.
Jared turns and adds: "Besides, you're Tivo-ing the game for me, right?"
"No?"
"You're such a bad liar," Jared says, smiling and ducking his head back under the sink.
Jensen amuses himself by appreciating the nice view of Jared's rear end until the sink makes a horrid, rumbling sound and Jared scoots back on his heals, dropping his wrench and lifting his hands as if to show his innocence.
The sound stops, and Jared lets out a breath. "Ohh-kay, so I should turn it to the left."
Jensen sighs.
***
Jared's covered in water, and he reeks of something decidedly septic. But he's pretty sure he's almost got it fixed. He's already halfway there, having figured out how to turn off the water so he won't get drenched anymore.
Jared pushes and pulls, tightening the last of the loose bolts, and grunting against the strain of the rusty pipes and even rustier pieces that fell off the pipe. Jared's pretty sure duct tape can replace most of the things that fell off though.
"I think...that'll do it!" Jared gives final tug, feeling the bolt slide tightly into place. Jensen suddenly shouts, it kinda throws him so he lets go of the wrench and falls back flat against the kitchen floor.
He's aware of a very loud, very quick stomping sound nearing him and Jensen's irritated face stares down at him, the foot by his ear tapping loudly. He's wearing a towel, and his hair is wet and sticking up in spikes.
"Jared, why is the bathtub drain spewing noodles and brown stuff?"
"Umm..."
"I'm fairly certain if the sink is fixed, then I shouldn't be showering in soup."
"Y'see..."
"Call a plumber!"
"I can fix it!"
"Soup! Bathtub full of soup!"
"So I'll get you a spoon!" Jared sits up and pouts, cross-legged on the kitchen floor. "Can we just stop yelling?"
Jensen sighs and leans against the cabinets, slowly sliding down them to join Jared on the kitchen floor. He puts his hand on Jared's knee, patting it and settling there. Jared scoots closer, and Jensen opens up his arms and Jared crawls on top of him, kissing Jensen's neck and inhaling deeply. Jensen's still wet from the shower, soap and warm water lingering on his skin. Jensen tucks him in close as Jared's face nuzzles his chest, his shirt still damp from sink-water and sweat.
"I’m sorry I yelled," Jensen says into Jared's hair.
"S'okay."
"It's just-Jared, it smells like soup and coffee grounds in there. It's really bad." And Jared lets out a howl of laughter, Jensen scrunches his nose up, and lightly shoves him off his lap. Jared keeps laughing though, and gets to his feet.
"Seriously? I gotta smell this!" He runs down the hall towards the bathroom and Jensen just smiles to himself, finally breaking with laughter when he hears Jared lose it.
"Oh my god! It's like soup and coffee and ass in here!"
"Plumber!" Jensen shouts, half-heartedly.
"That too!"
***
"I'm going to leave you, Jay."
"No you're not."
"I'm going to leave you for a plumber."
"No, you're not. You're stuck with me until I decide to give you the antidote." Jared says, sticking his hand out behind his back. "Scalpel."
"Very funny, Jared."
"Crescent wrench; you're no fun."
Jensen rolls his eyes and digs around the toolbox for the wrench and places it in Jared's hand. "It's getting late,." Jensen says, turning to check the kitchen clock.
"Thingy."
"Fuck!, It's one in the morning, Jared!"
"Wipey-thing, Jensen. The thingy!"
"Rag?"
"Yes! Rag-thing."
Jensen puts the red rag in Jared's outstretched hand. "C'mon Jared, let's just call it a night."
"Sure, after I fix this."
Jensen sighs but it's Jared. He's been working on the damn sink all day, maybe he's being too cynical, Jared's a resourceful guy. Maybe he's finally figured it out and he can clean the soupy dirty mess out of the tub and take a nice shower and-
"Gyaah!" Jared leaps away as Jensen gets a face full of ice-cold water. Jared shuts the water valve off and sheepishly apologizes for forgetting to do so in the first place.
Then again, maybe it's time for a new plan, Jensen thinks as he frog-marches Jared to bed.
***
When Jensen drops the phonebook on the table, Jared's cereal jumps up a little in the bowl, it's kinda cool. "If you don't call a plumber today, I will divorce you."
"Jensen-"
"I found one that will do a consultation, over the phone, for free. You tell them the problem, and they will essentially explain what they'll do, and then you can just do it yourself. Please for the love of god, promise me you'll just call, okay?"
Jared stirs his cereal around and makes a non-committal noise under his breath.
"Just, look I marked it with a post-it. All you have to do is call the number, tell them the problem, and let them help you fix it. There's nothing wrong with asking for help."
"I can fix-"
"Divorce!"
"We're not married!"
Jensen crosses his arms. "Well with that kind of attitude, you'll always be a bridesmaid, never a bride." Jensen smiles and leans down to place a chaste kiss to Jared's temple.
"I hate you," Jared says, flicking cereal at Jensen as he leaves. Jared misses, maybe on purpose, or maybe it's to distract himself from the phonebook and the chore Jensen has left for him. Admit defeat-that he really doesn't know how to fix the sink, and he may have fucked it up worse than it was before.
But, if Jensen's right, and he doesn't actually have to get a plumber to come over and tell him exactly how bad he's fucked up his sink, and a little advice couldn't hurt. Jared grabs the cordless phone and flips the book open to the page Jensen marked with the sticky note.
There's no ad circled. Jensen's just jotted down the name and number for him on the note, "EZ Plumbing, 555-3938." Jared thinks he recognizes the number, but doesn't dwell too much on it and dials quickly so he doesn't back down.
The line rings twice before someone on the other end picks up. "EZ Plumbing."
"Hi," Jared starts, his mind immediately going blank when he's not really concentrating. "I, uh, my uh, someone told me I could talk to someone about my problems."
"Ain't running no 'Dear Abby' operation here, kid." The gravelly voice on the other end of the line is snickering at him, he can tell.
"No! No, my uh-it's my sink. My sink has problems, not me!"
"I'll bet it does."
Jared huffs at the implication. "So, can I talk to someone, like a consult? I can do that, right?"
"Sure. I'm sending one of my guys over right now."
"Wait, what? No, no that's not what I meant. I just want to talk-"
"Sorry mac, he's already on his way over."
"But I didn't even tell you-" The doorbell rings, Jared's jaw goes to the floor. Jensen must have called ahead for a plumber, sneaky bastard.
"You should get that," the voice on the other end says succinctly. "It's rude to keep a fella waitin' outside like that."
Jared clicks off the phone and stomps over to the door, throwing it open and the plumber looks up from under his gray cap and gives him the sweetest, smuggest smile he can, eyes sparkling with mischief.
"You call a plumber, mac?" Jensen says in a rather disturbing caricature of a Brooklyn accent.
Jared really doesn't know how he keeps from collapsing to the floor in a fit of laughter, but Jensen pushes past him by then, and he takes in the outfit he must have thrown on in the hallway. Gray work-pants, white wife-beater underneath Jared's gas-station attendant jacket his sister got him at a flea market because the nametag reads "Butch" and she is just pure evil.
Jared closes the door, he's grinning ear to ear now. "Um, I guess so?"
"So," Jensen takes off his hat and shoves it in his back pocket, "you gonna show me where the problem is?" His expression goes slightly serious and Jared nods and leads him to the kitchen sink. Jensen does a mild appraisal of the area before stopping short.
"Looks like this is gonna be a messy one," he shucks off his jacket so he's just in the wifebeater. "Wouldn't want to get this wet, and geez, wouldn't ya know I'm wearing white today?" Jensen peels off the wife beater, tossing that aside too, and Jared draws in a sharp breath.
Jensen grins and leans down to open the cabinet doors, and checks the mess under the sink, clicking his tongue in disapproval.
"Easy plumbing, huh?"
Jensen whips around, giving him the eyebrow. "Hey, that's just a name pal, not a descriptive term!"
"So, what? I gotta buy you dinner first?"
Jensen laughs quietly, cocks his head to one side. "It always the same, dirty pipes? Dirty boy."
"You have no idea," Jared says as he steps closer to him, and then Jensen backs him against the kitchen island, trapping him in-between his arms, leaning against the counter.
"Oh I know your type, mac. Your pipes are, all backed up." Jensen bites his lower lip, leans his mouth to Jared's ear and whispers, "I'm gonna havta snake 'em."
"Oh?" Jared manages, feeling his skin prickle as Jensen's breath trails breath tickles his skin, running down his ear and neck.
Jensen pulls back and grabs Jared by the thighs, quickly lifting him up on the counter before he realizes what's going on. "Now, let's see if I can find my trusty snake." And that's when Jared loses it and starts laughing because Jensen's unzipping the fly of Jared's jeans, tongue sticking out the side of his mouth.
He stops laughing when Jensen's hand wraps around his cock.
"Ahhh, there it is. Y'know, I think it might not be big enough? Luckily, this fella's the expandable model." Jensen's hand starts to run up and down the shaft carefully and both of Jared's hands are over his mouth to keep from laughing again. It's just so silly and sweet and god damn sexy all at once. Jensen continues, pulling a tube of KY from his pocket. "Good thing I remembered the oil too, it might be a bit rusty..."
"Hey!"
"Well I haven't had a chance to use it in a while,." Jensen says, almost breaking character and biting the cap off with his teeth.
Jared actually can't argue with that too much, and Jensen's slick fingers are working his cock out of his boxers, as it hardens and Jared's hands go back over his mouth when Jensen's lips touch the cockhead. Jensen sucks him, until he can start taking Jared's cock deeper into his mouth. And then it's wet warm mouth swallowing him, fingers digging into his thighs like clamps.
When Jared comes, jerks his head and bangs it against one of the hanging metal pots. Jensen swallows him for the most part, but when he pulls back, fuck, his come is all over the side of Jensen's mouth.
"Such a dirty, messy boy," Jensen rasps.
"Yeah," Jared pants, trying to ignore the dizziness in his head and the urge to lick Jensen's face clean. His legs are feeling pretty boneless anyway, he should probably wait until he gets back feeling in them before he can jump Jensen properly.
Jensen wipes the side of his mouth, Jared tries not to sigh with disappointment. "See, I thought that'd clean you up good, mac. But I'm afraid your pipes are way, way too backed up."
Jared nods. "Yeah, we've sorta got a soup thing going on in the shower."
Jensen shudders inwardly, but continues. "See, I think I'm going to have to take care of your plumbing personally. The old-fashioned way, with my own two hands."
"Okay, see I hit my head and I'm losing the innuendo?"
"I'm gonna fuck you-you hit your head?"
"Awesome. Yeah, just kind of banged it right here." Jared points to the side of his head and Jensen kisses it, wraps his arms around Jared and helps him off the countertop. Turns around and heads towards the bedroom, unhooking his belt as he goes, tossing that over his shoulder at Jared. Jared goes right after Jensen, stripping as quick as he can. Out of his shirt, and socks, and pulling his jeans and boxers the rest of the way off by the time he gets to the room.
Jared dives onto the bed before Jensen can get to it, landing on his side and looking up at him coyly.
"So what's this about my pipes?"
Jensen joins him, lying down next to him. "Mmm hmmm, gonna have to take a closer look at them."
"Should I?" And Jensen answers his question by pressing Jared's shoulder, signaling for him to lie on his belly. Jensen runs his hands up and down the backs of Jared's thighs, rubbing and kneading his muscles into relaxation before moving higher to rest on his buttocks. Pressing harder now, Jared is only half-startled when Jensen's lips are on the small of his back, and then begin to move lower.
"Jensen?" Jared just barely whispers, but doesn't need to question if Jensen's sure he wants to do that. Jensen silences him with the sound of the cap of the lube opening again.
Slick fingers first, stretching him open, Jensen knows what he's doing. "It's okay, if I take a closer look, right?" Jensen says, trying to keep it playful.
Jared's face is burning, flush of excitement and nerves. The position itself, the act always made him feel vulnerable in the past, it's only out of habit the he feels nervous.
Jensen's fingers touching his flanks, mouth descending slowly and finally touching him at his entrance. His heart pounds in his chest and his dick gets half hard and Jensen's barely touched him yet. And then his tongue slips out, licking at his entrance, Jared rocks into it, towards his mouth. Jensen takes the cue and opens Jared more, spreading him open with his hands and penetrating him.
It used to leave Jared feeling raw, exposed to the world. But not with Jensen. It just takes a while for Jared to remember that there's no one else but Jensen. No one but Jensen can see him like this, can touch him like this. And no one but Jared can have Jensen. The nerves melt away and Jared finally relaxes as Jensen goes deeper into him. He's groaning and rutting against the bed, cock brought back to life and leaking against the sheets.
Jensen draws back and breathes, cock hardening as Jared moaned and writhed beneath him, sometimes that was all it took to get Jensen started.
Jared turns over onto his back at Jensen's quiet insistence. He was right about the flush, his freckles pop off his skin, red in his cheeks and lips; and Jared can still picture the come on his face, and just where else his mouth has been today.
"So," Jensen pauses to exhale, composing himself. "I think I'm gonna--" he tugs Jared's legs so he lifts them up to hook over his shoulders. "Gonna have to, fuck, take care, of it." Jensen's breathless with desire, just needing to fuck him raw, now, while he's still writhing beneath him, disheveled and lovely.
Jensen slicks up his cock and eases into Jared wordlessly, watching his face as his eyes slip shut and feeling Jared tense his muscles around his cock. He holds onto his legs and begins to push deeper, pulling back, and then thrusting hard into him. Jared's head drops back onto the pillows and one of his legs starts to fall off Jensen's shoulders, because Jensen's fisting his cock with his free hand. Jared grips the sheets and falls away into Jensen's rhythm. Cock sliding in and out of him, Jensen gripping his thigh and his cock as he buries himself deep into Jared, snapping back and doing it again and again.
Jared swallows, nodding yes to some unasked question. It's like the Joyce novel, where's he's reached his hundred-page orgasm and all he wants to do it say "Yes" and come against Jensen's face so he can pin him down and lick it off. But Jensen holds him and stops, delaying his orgasm as best he can, continuing his thrusting and groaning and fucking tease of a handjob on his cock. It's like his fingers are feathers and Jared can feel the sting of water in his eyes from the intensity of his need to come.
"Fucking-" Jared spits out. "C'mon!"
Jensen smiles, nuzzles his sweat-slicked face against the inside of Jared's leg, mouthing a kiss there and forgetting where his hand his, squeezing tight. Jared comes with a shout, falling back on the mattress, curving his spine, lifting his hips to Jensen and curling his toes.
Jared slips down, muscles go slack as he melts into the bed, boneless puddle of himself. Jensen's still thrusting into him until he stops, clamping his mouth shut and spending himself, balls-deep in Jared. He gasps as he opens his eyes, pulling out and crashing against the comforter with a satisfied mewl.
"Job... well done..." Jared drawls out.
"I'll send you the estimate." Jensen adds, and they both crack up, laughing like maniacs.
***
"So, was this your plan for today?" Jared asks as he lolls on his back, staring at the ceiling. Jensen's at his side, lying on his stomach, resting his head on a pillow.
"Well, half of it actually. The other half of my brilliant plan is to tell you the Westminster Dog show is on this afternoon, so you'll be too caught up with that and I can get a real plumber in here."
Jared's eyes go wide and he turns to lean on his side, facing Jensen. "Dog show?"
"Dog show," Jensen mumbles into the pillow.
"Dog show! All afternoon long? Can we make out during the commercials? And during toy dogs? You know those little mini-poodles freak me the hell out. I mean, they're just so damn tiny and their little legs look like they might snap, and I seriously-"
Jensen puts a finger to Jared's lips. "Promise not to go near the sink?"
"... Will there be shaggy dogs? And possibly some inappropriate touching?"
"I'm pretty sure the inappropriate touching is mandatory."
Jared kisses him. "Then I promise to leave the sink alone." And he kisses him again, and again, and maneuvers Jensen onto his back against the mattress using his mouth. Jared towers over his body and Jensen pauses kissing to stop and touch his face.
"I love you, you know," Jensen says.
"Not gonna leave me for a plumber?"
"I'll make a bride out of you yet."
Jared laughs and resumes kissing him, moving down from mouth to chin, to neck and chest, feeling Jensen's pulse flutter beneath his lips. Jensen's hands are tugging at his hair as he grinds up against him, and Jared feels Jensen's cock starting to harden, and he smiles against his stomach.
***
Later, they settle in the living room couch with pillows, blankets, beer, and snacks. The plumber comes, and Jensen makes a big deal about lying across Jared's lap so he won't get up, but Jared knows he's really just doing it because he likes it when Jared unconsciously starts rubbing his head. He finishes the job in about 90 minutes, and Jared clamps his hand across Jensen's mouth and says: "Not one word!" Jensen laughs and play-wrestles against him.
By the time the dog show is over, Jared's lying on his back and Jensen's lolling on top of him, their limbs tangling together. Jared kisses him first, slight touch of lips to his cheek, and Jensen returns it in spades, kissing his mouth open and moving to straddle Jared's hips.
"Mmm, how 'bout," Jared pauses mid-sentence, runs a hand on the side of Jensen's face, rubbing his cheek.
Jensen murmurs, "How 'bout we fuck again, nice and slow, and then watch the game I recorded, and order Chinese food?"
Jared's smile splits his face and he nods. "Sounds like a plan." Jensen descends on his mouth again, loving it when a plan comes together.
Of course, that's when the cable box makes a weird beeping noise, and the screen goes black. Jared stops and stares at the monitor. "Huh..."
Jensen sighs when he sees the gears turning again.
end.