(no subject)
I watch you walk out and I say nothing. I stand there, and I watch, and I don’t care, except that I do, I do, but you don’t need to know that.
And maybe I’m in the wrong but fuck you, I don’t need you calling it out the way you did. We’re not committed, this isn’t a relationship, you don’t matter enough, I don’t matter enough, and so I will kiss who I want, fuck who I want, because we’re not together.
“You cheated on me!” you’d yelled, and I had rolled my eyes, because this is what bothers you the most, when I say nothing, do nothing, and god, I’m good at that, aren’t I?
So you can go, you can walk out, be angry-am I supposed to apologize, to scream out that I love you, please don’t go?
You’re kidding yourself then, because I don’t love, I don’t care, except that I do, I do.
And it’ll be days, weeks, and I’ll still have not seen you, then a month, two, avoiding the places I know you regular because I don’t want to see you. You walked out.
But I fucked that guy. And whatever, whatever, what I do is my own, and we were not together, so just shut the fuck up! And maybe I’ll scream this at my wall, at my bed, at my sofa, kitchen, everything, because you’re there, everywhere, and it’s not my fault, it’s yours so stop haunting me, stop doing that fucking thing you do, stop stop stop but you’re not even here and these walls are too much, too white, so different from your own with the colour and don’t you know I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry, I was drunk, stupid, you’d pissed me off and and and just fucking stop.
Just fucking stop because I think I’m going mad and you’re not even here to stop it, to stop me, to watch, why aren’t you here?
I didn’t let him in me, you know. That’s just you, only you, and maybe maybe maybe I love you, come back but you won’t you won’t because I’ve angered you just so fucking much and it might as well be a relationship it’s been two fucking years and I’m sorry I shouldn’t have I shouldn’t have.
Bags under my eyes, your friends ignore me in the streets and fuck fuck fuck if you finally told them then fuck I fucked up, didn’t I?
I’m sorry.
Mother keeps tsking and maybe it’s because I’ve started drinking with my father and my potions are dwindling and Sev keeps ranting at me from his portrait here and it’s actually quite possible that he’s on your side, even though he hides it with insults and opinions on my choice of men but fuck fuck fuck.
And then I see you at that Ministry thing, with that girl on your arm, that girl, and oh, so you’re fucking with women now, are you? Fuck you, I want to scream yell shout because why are you doing this to me except fuck fuck fuck I did it to myself so I’ll wait til I get home and I’ll drink and drink and drink and maybe cry because I seem to be doing that lately which is strange because wasn’t I always in perfect condition when we were together, because we were together, I get that now, and if I could take it back I swear on my fucking life I would. Maybe I’ll yell those things at the bottles, yell at those house-elves for bringing me more and more and more even though I’m the one asking and I think I’ve gotten worse than Father and Mum can’t even look at me anymore are you happy?
But you wouldn’t be, you’re too good of a person; I’m the fuck-up, the one that cheats that breaks my own heart that that that and maybe this time I’ll drink so much that I end up in St. Mungo’s and maybe maybe maybe then you’re come to see me, yes yes yes so I think I’ll try that and if I die then you’ll be even more sorry and fuck fuck fuck I’m mad, mad, mad and I’m not even one of the best people so. So.
I’m sorry I love you Please come back I’m fucked up Maybe Maybe Maybe.