MST: Paging Dr. McCreepy
Title: Paging Dr. McCreepy
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All characters belong to FOX and David Shore.
Summary: House molests Cameron in the elevator in order to get a song out of his head. I really wish I was kidding. Features rampant slasher-feeding and a cracktacular very special crossover guest appearance.
[CHASE and FOREMAN walk down the hallway.]
FOREMAN: ...All I'm saying is, people are going to get suspicious if you keep borrowing my shirts. They're not nearly as, um, distinct as yours.
CHASE: But I like wearing your shirts. And this one goes with my eyes.
FOREMAN: Well, nobody would argue with that, baby. Nevertheless...
[THEY enter the conference room to find CAMERON crying.]
CHASE: Hey, what's the matter?
CAMERON [blowing her nose]: THIS is the matter! [SHE throws a piece of paper at them.] It's from House.
[FOREMAN uncrumples the paper and begins reading.]
FOREMAN: "Dear Dr. Cameron, By now Jimmy and I will be on our honeymoon"-
CHASE [muttering]: And here someone was throwing a hissy fit about shirts...
FOREMAN: - bla bla bla commitment ceremony, bla bla bla kinky MRI sex... Oh, here we go. "Attached to this note is a floppy disk that will explain why it could never have worked out between us. Just open the file 'ghb.doc' and get reading."
CHASE: Have you opened it yet?
CAMERON [sniffling] No...
CHASE: Well, let's give it a try.
[They pop in the disk and open the file.]
Disclaimer: I do not own House, M.D., but I love to play with them.
CHASE: We like to play with each other, too.
FOREMAN: Shhhh, not now.
He had turned on the radio this morning. He cursed while waiting for the elevator.
FOREMAN: A door slammed. A maid screamed.
CAMERON: I see it's Non Sequitur Day at the hospital.
The song kept replaying over and over in his head.
CAMERON: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?
FOREMAN: No.
Why did it always happen that way?
CHASE: God hates you?
She's gone to heaven so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I'll leave this world.
CHASE: Ughhhh, speaking of letting the dogs out...
FOREMAN: Yeah, as much as I never thought I'd say this, bring back the Baja Men.
CAMERON: Why doesn't this person just commit suicide so he can see his dead lover right NOW?
FOREMAN: I'm pretty sure that's contrary to God's plan.
CHASE: I'm pretty sure all of this story is contrary to God's plan.
He quietly sung under his breath. Maybe he could get rid of it faster.
CAMERON: Yes, hopefully somebody passing by would overhear House and cold-cock him out of his misery.
We were out on a date in my daddy's car
CHASE: With my daddy still in it, unfortunately...
FOREMAN [old man voice]: You call that getting to second base, son??
We hadn't driven very far.
CAMERON: Worst joyride ever.
'Bing.'
CHASE: Muffins are done!
FOREMAN: Huh, I don't remember that part of the song...
The elevator had arrived and he hobbled on.
FOREMAN: Oh, I see.
CHASE: Don't be fatuous, Eric.
FOREMAN: You're calling me fat?
CHASE: Of course not, baby.
A car was stalled, the engine was dead
CHASE [singing along]: But I didn't care, my date was giving me h...
CAMERON: You have such a filthy mind.
FOREMAN: You say that like it's a bad thing.
I couldn't stop
So I swerved to the right.
CAMERON: Incredible lane-changing ACTION!
FOREMAN: But did he have his blinker on?
Two floors up, Cameron got on.
CAMERON: NOOOOOOO! Bad things happen in elevators! RUN!
CHASE: I have a feeling somebody will be getting off shortly...
FOREMAN: Not me.
She didn't notice him. She had her nose buried in a file.
CAMERON: We have GOT to get rid of these Scratch 'N' Sniff patient charts.
FOREMAN: Smells like a case of... herpes!
The latest case. Some sick boy. They would find a cure.
CHASE: They would rebuild him. They had the technology.
The screamin' tires
FOREMAN: That's me, leaving the fanfic.
CHASE: Nice try.
CAMERON: Maybe the tires are reading this story too.
The busting glass
CAMERON: Sounds like SOMEBODY is having a good time in the backseat.
The painful scream that I heard last.
CHASE: Right around the time I pressed the "Upload File" button, coincidentally...
He kept singing. Even quieter now that she was there. It wasn't working.
FOREMAN: The voices. They just. Wouldn't leave him alone.
Maybe she could distract him.
CAMERON: Yeah, maybe she could put on a chicken suit and sing the Pina Colada song. Either that, or House could just put on his big boy pants and DEAL WITH IT!
Be his amusement for the elevator ride.
CHASE and FOREMAN [humming clown music]: Boop boop-boop boop boop-boop...
CAMERON: Amusement?! What am I, the doo-dah man?
"Cameron, what are you reading?" He spoke up.
CAMERON: Testicles Are Overrated, by Dr. Ivana Kuttemoff. It's a very incisive critique.
[CHASE and FOREMAN cross their legs uncomfortably.]
She blinked.
FOREMAN: Her heart beat. Her pancreas produced insulin.
CHASE: Thank you for joining us on Involuntary Bodily Function Theater.
She'd been automatic pilot. Hadn't even noticed him or where she was.
CAMERON: Absolutely FLYING on acid, and wondering where all the spiders had come from.
"House," it took her a second to acknowledge him. "It's the results on the new paitent."
FOREMAN: The DNA test reveals he's technically a llama, which might affect the differential.
"I have a song stuck in my head." He jumped around subjects.
CAMERON [announcer voice]: We've secretly replaced Dr. House's Vicodin with Folger's Amphetamines. Let's watch.
CHASE: Word to your moms. I came to drop bombs.
[Long, awkward silence.]
CHASE: Because... jump around? Get it? That's white boy rap, I can say it, right?
FOREMAN [head in hands]: Sure, baby.
CAMERON: Man, you are so whipped.
FOREMAN: I know.
"Okay." She drew out the word. "Did you want me to perform a lobotomy? Would that help?"
ALL: YES!
She smirked. She wasn't being rude.
CHASE: Cameron wasn't going to violate Emily Post's strict etiquette about which ice pick to use for a lobotomy.
She had to play his game of quick quips.
CAMERON: She had to beat him in the lightning round.
"I was thinking of something else."
FOREMAN [as House]: I was thinking of that braised chicken Wilson made for dinner last night.
CHASE: Because we all know how much House loves Wilson's thighs.
CAMERON: Thank you SO much for that reminder, people.
He said in the tone that he got when he knew the answer and you didn't.
FOREMAN: So... in his normal voice, then.
He was leaning forward on his cane and his eyes had something a kin to a twinkle. But you couldn't use that word to describe Gregory House.
CHASE [heavy sarcasm]: Gosh, and here Dr. Twinkle is my personal nickname for House.
FOREMAN: Chase, that's really weird. [whispering] Don't I get a nickname?
CHASE [whispering]: Of course, Binky.
She stood only a few feet from him. He could be dangerous sometimes.
CAMERON: Uhhh, House, what's with the shiv?
FOREMAN [growling]: Time to dance, Cameron.
----------------------------
I promise at least one more chapter.
CHASE: ...Unless all my demands are met.
[Long silence.]
CAMERON: Is that it? I don't see how that's supposed to explain anything.
CHASE: Yeah, I thought House would be WAY more brutal and direct about breaking your heart.
CAMERON: Thanks, Chase.
FOREMAN [scrolling down]: Wait, wait, wait, you guys. There's more.
She looked frightened. Not really. Maybe the right word was curious mixed with fear.
CHASE: Oh, is it Mad Libs time? Make up your mind, story!
FOREMAN: I currently vote for intense nausea.
She should be. She had no idea what was about to happen.
CAMERON: Why do I suddenly hear "Night on Bald Mountain" playing in my head?
And he only had the next few moves planned.
CHASE [singing]: Workin' on my night moves...
CAMERON: Yes, he planned to do the funky chicken and the mashed potato. After that it was up for grabs.
Things would go beautifully or horribly wrong.
FOREMAN: I know which one I'm betting on.
He stepped over to the panel with the floor buttons and pulled the 'Emergency Stop' button. She lurched forward and sputtered out a 'Shit.'
ALL: EWWWWWWWW!!!
She was of course entitled to this.
CAMERON: I'm entitled to shit in the elevator??
He had given her no fore warning. While she was rebalancing, he had pushed her against the wall.
ALL: Hey! Bad touch!
FOREMAN [as Frank Costanza]: Did you just stop short on my wife?!
CAMERON: I hope I'm also entitled to dish out a few swift kicks in the crotch!
CHASE: This whole story is a swift kick in the crotch.
"Ever watch Grey's Anatomy?" He asked.
FOREMAN: Wow, ABC has a hell of an aggressive marketing campaign!
"What?" How could she think with him pressed against her?
CHASE: Most people don't know this, but pressing against Cameron totally disables her frontal cortex.
CAMERON: It most certainly does NOT-
[FOREMAN presses against her.]
CAMERON [drooling]: Duhhhhh, tell me about the rabbits again...
[FOREMAN stops.]
CAMERON: What just happened?
CHASE: Uh, you dozed off.
CAMERON: Oh, okay.
FOREMAN: ...Interesting. Um, from a purely neurological perspective, of course.
Plus, wasn't Grey's Anatomy a medical book?
CHASE: Ahhh, Allison Cameron, or as we like to affectionately call her, "Dr. Lives-In-a-Cave."
CAMERON: I wish.
"Grey's Anatomy? Where all the doctors and nurses have sex in the hospital?" He tried getting to the point.
CHASE: All right, this is getting icky. I need a shower.
CAMERON: You think YOU need a shower?
FOREMAN: I guess since McDreamy and McSteamy are taken, House is gunning for the nickname Dr. McDateRapist.
"I've...uh...heard of it."
CHASE [robotic]: I have heard of this act you humans call "sex."
FOREMAN: Don't sell yourself short, darling.
Stumbled words came out of her mouth. Conscious thought slowly made it's way back to her.
CAMERON: Conscious thought quickly ran away screaming.
"In the show," he explained, "there are these characters that are always having moments in the elevators."
FOREMAN: You know. Pushing the buttons to direct which floor to go to.
CHASE: Whoa, MAMA.
CAMERON: Does House base ALL of his seduction techiques on television shows?
CHASE: Good thing he's not into Power Rangers.
FOREMAN: Or Meerkat Manor.
"Oh." She was thoroughly confused now.
CAMERON: Duhhhhhh...
FOREMAN: Cameron, when you ordered my brain biopsy, they weren't by chance having a two-for-one special, were they?
"We're going to have a "Grey's Anatomy moment," right now."
CHASE: Whether Cameron wants to or not, apparently.
CAMERON: Get him off me, GET HIM OFF ME!!
FOREMAN: If you ask me, this is more of a Law & Order: SVU moment.
CAMERON: Oh, sweet Detective Stabler, save me with your police brutality!
He air quoted and kept her pressed against the wall.
CAMERON: With his third hand, apparently.
CHASE: Or some other appendage.
[CAMERON bursts into tears.]
CHASE: All right, I just made myself sick.
FOREMAN: Badfic does terrible things to people, dear.
CAMERON [sobbing]: You know what the worst part of all this is? House is only doing this TO GET A SONG OUT OF HIS HEAD.
[ALL look nauseated.]
FOREMAN: God, I am so ashamed of my gender right now.
CHASE: Men SUCK!
FOREMAN: I'm so disgusted, I'm not even going to take that easy joke you just left wide open.
"We are?" She was back to being frightened.
CHASE: And you know what that means. Look out below!
She didn't know what "moments" entailed.
FOREMAN: Roofies?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm think that there is at least one chapter left and sorry it was so short.
CHASE: It was long enough, my friend.
CAMERON [still crying]: All right, House, wherever you are, YOU WIN! I formally renounce any and all attraction I've ever had to you, now and forever! Wilson can HAVE you-
[Suddenly there is a THUNDEROUS KNOCKING at the door.]
VOICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
CHASE: What are the police doing here?
FOREMAN [alarmed]: They can't arrest us just for reading about an assault, can they?
VOICE: I SAID POLICE! DON'T MAKE ME BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!
FOREMAN: Hey, you're the white chick, you answer it.
[CAMERON nervously opens the door. DETECTIVE STABLER barges in, waving his BADGE.]
DETECTIVE STABLER: Did someone summon me?
CAMERON: I-uh-
CHASE [pointing at CAMERON]: She did.
FOREMAN: We didn't know what the story was going to be like, we swear-
STABLER: Let me take a look.
[He scans the fanfic, growing increasingly disgusted.]
STABLER: Jesus, no matter how many times I see this kind of thing, it still just makes me SICK.
CHASE: It's really not the worst we've ever--
STABLER: DON'T MAKE EXCUSES!
[STABLER loses his temper and starts WHALING on the MONITOR.]
STABLER [yelling at the remaining smithereens]: IS THAT HOW YOU LIKE IT, YA LITTLE FREAK?
CAMERON [hands clasped]: My... my hero!
STABLER [calming down]: All in a day's work, ma'am.
CAMERON [breathlessly]: The hell with damaged men, I'm YOURS!
[SHE throws herself at STABLER, who shrugs and carries her out of the room.]
FOREMAN: What just happened?
CHASE: I have no idea.
[Pause.]
CHASE: So, feel like putting the MRI machine to some kinky uses?
FOREMAN: Hell yeah. Let's go.
-end-
Stinger: Things would go beautifully or horribly wrong.