Unattainable Dreams
Title: Unattainable Dreams
Fandom: Eastenders
Characters/Pairings: Christian Clarke/Syed Masood
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 - some mild sexual references
Summary: Following their argument in the Vic, Christian tries to find out the real reason why Syed refuses to discuss his baby dreams.
A/N: This is my first Chryed FanFiction - in fact, it's the first FanFiction I've ever written based on a soap. I've only been watching this show for a few months, so it's all a bit new and intimidating for me. It was written because I couldn't bear to see these boys go to bed on an argument; and also to perhaps get them to the point where Syed is obviously more willing to consider it (although this was started before that episode had aired). As my first creative venture into this fandom, I am very nervous - but hope that it has turned out satisfactorily. I also hope that people who follow my journal for the Torchwood and Jack/Ianto will be willing to give this a chance, just to see what you think of it.
Unattainable Dreams
Syed knew that Christian had followed him back to their flat. He could hear the familiar pattern of footsteps on the ground behind him; just fast enough to keep up but, intelligently for Christian, not quite enough to draw level with him. A wave of relief shot through him as he realised that Christian was deliberately holding back. He didn't think he could contain the anger that was running through him, and he was genuinely worried that, if Christian were to confront him now, in the middle of the street, he wouldn't be able to control just where his fist ended up.
He left the door open, shrugging off his jacket and draping it over a chair as he heard Christian cross the threshold and click the door gently shut behind him. A part of him wanted to turn around to look at him, to make eye contact and have all those negative feelings wash away. But he was angry. And the child in him would never step away from its anger. He wasn't just angry at Christian, he knew that. He was angry at everything, the way things had panned out, at his parents, at himself and - and Christian, especially, for making everything just that little bit worse when he was supposed to make it better.
There was a cough behind him.
"Sy…"
Syed didn't reply. Instead, he strolled briskly into the kitchen, emerging a few moments later with a glass of orange juice. He drank it pointedly, making eye contact with Christian for the first time since he had stormed out of the Vic.
"I'm sorry," Syed could see his boyfriend's tongue swiping nervously against his bottom lip as he paused. "I didn't think."
"Obviously," he took another sip at his orange juice, not even attempting to disguise the bitterness that tinged his voice. Christian flinched as if the word had stung him, his tongue flicking out once again to moisten his lips.
"I just thought that maybe…"
"What?" Syed snapped, slamming the glass onto the table so that the juice sloshed over the edge. "That I would go gooey-eyed at the thought of bottle-feeding and dirty nappies? My family relations are dysfunctional enough at the moment without you trying to complicate it even more."
Christian shuffled slightly on the spot. There was guilt in his eyes, regret, perhaps, that he had brought it up in the first place. But he was cross as well. Not as cross with Syed as Syed was with him, but his shoulders tightened instinctively under Syed's glare.
"I wasn't actually going to ask you tonight, you know," he muttered, wrenching the coat from his shoulders before flopping frustratedly onto the couch.
"So why did you then?" Syed stayed where he was, hands buried defensively in his pockets. "Why didn't you wait for a time that was a little bit more appropriate than when I'd just…"
"Because no time would ever be appropriate for you!" Christian shot a burning glance over his shoulder. "Because if I had to wait for the 'appropriate time' to tackle anything with you, nothing would ever get done. I've got first hand experience of your 'waiting for the appropriate time' - remember? And I've got the scars to prove it."
For a moment Syed bristled, his whole body seeming to constrict in on itself as the words hit him; as if trying to form a barrier against the impact, to protect himself from the force of what Christian had said. As soon as the initial shock of it had diminished, however, his frame sagged; shoulders loosening and head falling to avert his eyes from Christian's intense gaze.
"Yeah," he whispered, his eyes fixed on the floor. "So have I."
Unbeknownst to Syed, something softened in Christian's gaze. It was as if the fire that had been burning behind his eyes had been quenched, smothered by the sudden sorrow filling Syed's voice.
"I know."
"I mean," Syed shrugged half-heartedly. "There's nothing wrong with being…practical…you know. There's nothing wrong with trying to do it reasonably but…today wasn't…I'd just seen…"
"Hey," he looked up as Christian's voice split the air, his tone commanding and yet soft - he was unable to resist raising his gaze, despite his determination to avoid eye contact. "C'mere."
Christian was propped on the couch with his arms outstretched, the gesture beckoning Syed towards him. Before he could even stop to think about the anger that he overwhelmed him just a few minutes before, Syed found himself walking forward and sinking thankfully into those arms.
A few months ago, he wouldn't even have considered doing something like this. Snuggling on the couch - it just wasn't done. Especially when it wasn't him doing the snuggling. But now, all thoughts of 'femininity' and 'emasculation' had been banished to the very depths of his mind. They shifted a little, turning to get into their most comfortable position; Syed stretched out, his back propped against Christian's chest and his head tucked between Christian's shoulder and jaw.
"You don't have to decide now," Christian said softly, placing his hand over the back of Syed's and linking their fingers together, drawing both of their arms around them. "Just - something to think about in the future, yeah?"
Syed made a small, non-committal noise, his eyes sliding closed for a brief second as he allowed their combined warmth to soothe away some of the pain of the day.
"Sy?"
"Hmm?"
"You'll think about it, yeah?"
Syed's eyes cracked open, his head tipping backwards so that he could look Christian in the eye.
"Yeah," he smiled, a tiny smile. "I'll think about it."
"I mean," he could feel Christian smile against his hair. "Just think about it. You and me. Dads. It's be amazing. We'd be amazing."
A sigh escaped Syed's lips as he sent a disapproving glare upwards (in what he hoped was the general direction of Christian's face).
"I said I'd think about it."
"I know," a chuckle reverberated through his scalp. "I'm just helping you think."
"You're impossible."
There was that chuckle again, vibrating against his hair and forcing a smile onto his face.
"You love me anyway, though."
"Yeah," Syed let the smile dance across his lips. "Yeah, I do."
A comfortable silence descended over them, the only sound in the room the reassuring thump of heartbeats and whoosh of gentle breaths. Christian's hand had slid away from its resting point, his palm coiled loosely against Syed's chest as he absent-mindedly rolled a button of his shirt between his fingers. Syed could tell that Christian was still worried; he was subconsciously working the material against the pads of his fingers like a worry bead. He was pretty sure that it shouldn't have felt as intimate as it did.
Syed closed his eyes, letting the almost-complete silence wash over him. His foot ran gently along the length of Christian's leg, rubbing gently against his heel until their feet were crossed over one another. He remembered times sat in with his parents as a child, marvelling at their seeming ability to sit for hours on end without doing anything. He'd never been able to understand how they could possibly take any kind of pleasure in nothing. It was a shame that the one thing that made him finally understand was also the thing that had alienated them from his life.
"Can I ask you something?" Christian's voice broke through the silence, disturbing Syed's reverie and forcing him to open his eyes. It took a moment for him to bring himself far enough into reality to register the question, nodding softly in response.
"Is this a gay thing?"
Syed's foot stopped abruptly in its travels along the underside of Christian's thigh.
"What?"
"The baby thing," he could feel Christian swallow, the movement pushing gently against his scalp. "Is it really because you don't think we can - or is it because you don't think we - as in, we - should?"
Syed's wriggled away from Christian's hold, getting to his knees so that he was looking directly into the older man's eyes.
"Christian…"
"I won't get cross. I just need to know. We promised no secrets, remember? They've never done us much good in the past."
There was a beat as Syed's mouth opened and closed, his throat bobbing slightly as if any untruths were catching against his vocal chords. After a few silent seconds - this silence wasn't quite so comfortable, he noted - he dipped his head, his fingers shaping themselves gently around Christian's ankle.
"It's how I was brought up, Christian. Y'know, opinions that I don't even realise I have until they…influence things. I was always told that things were a certain way and that was the way it must always be. You can't just override that, no matter how good your gay guru thing is," he chanced a quick glance upwards. "And your gay guru thing is very good."
A tiny half-smile appeared on Christian's lips; as if the honesty in Syed's answer had overpowered any negative reaction he may have had to the revelation. His hand crept up along the length of Syed's arm, hovering slightly before coming to rest gently at the side of his neck.
"You don't think something like this might…I dunno…bring them round?"
Syed's eyes lingered on Christians for a nanosecond before he shook his head softly.
"They already think what we're doing is wrong. You think they'd approve of bringing a child into it? If they can't see me as their son, it shouldn't be too hard to refuse a grandchild as well. In fact, it would probably push them further away."
The coarse pad of Christian's thumb brushed across Syed's jaw, smoothing gently across the stubbled cheek.
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I really am."
His hand moved upwards, doing that thing it did so well with Syed's hair; pushing the locks in between his fingers until the knuckle of his thumb ghosted along the ridge of Syed's ear. The younger man closed his eyes as the pads of his fingers rubbed comfortingly against his scalp.
"I know you are," a laugh suddenly huffed its way out of his mouth, more a loud exhalation than a real laugh. "We are actually talking about this thing like it's actually going to happen."
"Why not?" Christian propped his elbow on the back of the couch and rested his head on his fist. "You said you'd think about it- you didn't say no."
"It's a dream, Christian," Syed moved his hand away from Christian's leg, instead curling his fingers around the wrist of the hand still playing with his hair. "You can't stake everything on a dream. Dreams are…"
Christian cocked an eyebrow.
"What, Sy?"
A sigh pushed its way past Syed's lips.
"Dreams are unattainable."
The words had barely left his throat before a tiny smile stretched its way across Christian's face; it lit up his features, dancing across his lips. His eyes fixed on Syed, drilling into him with an intensity that would have been uncomfortable if he hadn't gotten so used to it.
"You know, a year ago I would have said the same thing," his grip on Syed's hair tightened ever so slightly. "But if there's one thing that the last few months have taught me, it's that sometimes unattainable dreams are more attainable that you might think."
There was a beat before Syed leaned forward, pressing his lips against Christian's as he curled his hand around to cup the back of his head. Christian's fingers continued to move in small, lethargic circles across Syed's scalp, even as the younger man pressed forward to deepen the kiss. His fingers pushed against Christian's chest, pressing against the fabric as if he could somehow melt through it into the skin beneath.
Eventually, the need for air overcame the need to carry on exploring and they were forced to break apart.
"Bed?"
"Sounds good."
They hauled themselves to a standing position, slightly slowed as they struggled to extricate their hopelessly entangled limbs and regain a little feeling in their legs. Halfway across the room, however, Syed stopped suddenly, grasping Christian's wrist and hauling him around to face him.
"It's still a no, you do realise that?"
Something seemed to sink in Christian's face, but he quickly covered it and slid his fingers around Syed's wrist, mirroring the younger man's gesture. The sudden disappointment that had flooded his eyes, however he tried to disguise it, sent a wave of guilt slamming into Syed's heart. The force of it took him by surprise, almost pushing him backwards. He tightened his grasp, catching Christian's gaze as he let a smile stretch his face.
"Y'know…" he gestured towards the bed. "If this was a film, this would be the point where one of us says: 'let's go make a baby'."
Christian took just a moment too long before mirroring his smile, tugging on their linked hands and pulling Syed a step closer to him.
"Well, luckily for you, we can't make a baby."
All of a sudden he jerked his arm into himself, catching Syed off balance and giving him the opportunity to fling him onto the bed. Before Syed could open his mouth in protest, he found himself on his back with a grinning Christian leaning over him.
"But we can have a hell of a lot of fun trying."
Fin
So, there we have it. My first steps into the unknown. I'm going to go and hide in a corner now.