The Subliminal Reassurances of Procedural Dramas
This was posted on a Without a Trace mailing list I am a part of. The poster said that it was originally posted on a Numb3rs list and he/she got permission to post it over on the WaT list. I don't have such permission, but it's quite funny and I felt I had to share.
The Subliminal Reassurances of Procedural Dramas
JUST A THOUGHT FROM 24 November 2005
Bones - Don't worry, if you get killed and all that's left of you
are your bones, a brilliant but socially awkward woman and a vampire
with a soul will solve the crime using a combination of 3D imaging
and sexual tension.
Cold Case - Don't worry, if you died a long time ago, a malnourished
woman in blue light will catch the bad guy through the power of
flashbacks.
Criminal Minds - Don't worry, if you're killed by a serial killer, a
team of oddballs led by a brilliant but broken man will catch him
with a combination of psychology, visual effects, and Bartlett's
Quotations. With guest appearances by the cocky agent guy, the
computer-bound nerd girl, and so-smart-he's-practically-autistic kid.
Crossing Jordan - Don't worry, if you're dead and lying on a metal
table, the sexy coroner will find the clue everyone else missed and
break the rules by going out on the town to catch the bad guy with a
combination of leather pants, lipstick, and slow motion.
CSI - Don't worry, if you die in a horribly improbably accident, a
team of odd but beautiful people led by a brilliant but broken man
will figure it out using a variety of super cool tools and groovy
music. Just remember to leave some skin under your fingernails and
listen to The Who. Only applies to residents of Las Vegas, Miami,
and New York City.
House - Don't worry, if you're incredibly, implausibly sick, a team
of doctors led by a brilliant but broken man, who is also a grumpy
drug addict, will save you ... but only if you're interesting enough
to convince him to.
Law and Order - Don't worry, if you're shot and killed in New York,
old, grumpy, alcoholic detectives will stand over you drinking
coffee and they'll make at least one pun. After a half hour, your
killer will be handed over to an old, grumpy, alcoholic district
attorney with an astoundingly beautiful assistant who will bring
them to justice ... unless it's sweeps, then they might lose or get
hit by a car or something.
Law and Order: Criminal Intent - Don't worry, if your store is
robbed by people in funny masks who turn out to be connected to the
mob, a brilliant but broken man with a beautiful sidekick will find
the culprits by psyching them out until they cry ... unless the
detective cocks his head so much that it falls right off.
Law and Order: Special Victims Unit - Don't worry, if you're
horribly raped, a former rap star and a paranoid UFO freak will get
the guy who did it. Be sure to cry a lot - it helps motivate them.
Medium - Don't worry, if you're dead and gone, a brilliant but whiny
woman with psychic powers will dream about you and solve your
problems for you, unless she's too distracted by her whiny husband
and whiny kids. Just die soon, because this show won't be around too
long.
Monk - Don't worry, if you're the victim of a crime in some parallel
universe San Francisco where it's never foggy, a brilliant but
broken man with an annoying sidekick will solve the crime, so long
as it doesn't involve stepping on a crack or getting dirty or pretty
much going outside and doing anything at all. Special guest
appearance by cops so inept they make Car 54 spin in its grave.
NCIS - Worry.
Numb3rs - Don't worry, math will save you, or at least catch your
killer, so long as it can be explained on a chalkboard. With special
guest appearances by the kindly retired dad, the so-smart-he's-
practically-autistic kid, and Joel from Alaska, who, it turns out,
was really an FBI agent all along.
Without A Trace - Don't worry, if you disappear at a moment of
extreme stress, a team of beautiful people, some of whom are having
sex with each other, led by a brilliant but broken man, will find
you. Just make sure you live in New York and don't stray too far.
Although I think they were a bit rough on the NCIS crew! They aren't that bad, really. *grin*
And how sad is it that at one point I have seen all of these shows and I still actively follow 8 of them?
The Subliminal Reassurances of Procedural Dramas
JUST A THOUGHT FROM 24 November 2005
Bones - Don't worry, if you get killed and all that's left of you
are your bones, a brilliant but socially awkward woman and a vampire
with a soul will solve the crime using a combination of 3D imaging
and sexual tension.
Cold Case - Don't worry, if you died a long time ago, a malnourished
woman in blue light will catch the bad guy through the power of
flashbacks.
Criminal Minds - Don't worry, if you're killed by a serial killer, a
team of oddballs led by a brilliant but broken man will catch him
with a combination of psychology, visual effects, and Bartlett's
Quotations. With guest appearances by the cocky agent guy, the
computer-bound nerd girl, and so-smart-he's-practically-autistic kid.
Crossing Jordan - Don't worry, if you're dead and lying on a metal
table, the sexy coroner will find the clue everyone else missed and
break the rules by going out on the town to catch the bad guy with a
combination of leather pants, lipstick, and slow motion.
CSI - Don't worry, if you die in a horribly improbably accident, a
team of odd but beautiful people led by a brilliant but broken man
will figure it out using a variety of super cool tools and groovy
music. Just remember to leave some skin under your fingernails and
listen to The Who. Only applies to residents of Las Vegas, Miami,
and New York City.
House - Don't worry, if you're incredibly, implausibly sick, a team
of doctors led by a brilliant but broken man, who is also a grumpy
drug addict, will save you ... but only if you're interesting enough
to convince him to.
Law and Order - Don't worry, if you're shot and killed in New York,
old, grumpy, alcoholic detectives will stand over you drinking
coffee and they'll make at least one pun. After a half hour, your
killer will be handed over to an old, grumpy, alcoholic district
attorney with an astoundingly beautiful assistant who will bring
them to justice ... unless it's sweeps, then they might lose or get
hit by a car or something.
Law and Order: Criminal Intent - Don't worry, if your store is
robbed by people in funny masks who turn out to be connected to the
mob, a brilliant but broken man with a beautiful sidekick will find
the culprits by psyching them out until they cry ... unless the
detective cocks his head so much that it falls right off.
Law and Order: Special Victims Unit - Don't worry, if you're
horribly raped, a former rap star and a paranoid UFO freak will get
the guy who did it. Be sure to cry a lot - it helps motivate them.
Medium - Don't worry, if you're dead and gone, a brilliant but whiny
woman with psychic powers will dream about you and solve your
problems for you, unless she's too distracted by her whiny husband
and whiny kids. Just die soon, because this show won't be around too
long.
Monk - Don't worry, if you're the victim of a crime in some parallel
universe San Francisco where it's never foggy, a brilliant but
broken man with an annoying sidekick will solve the crime, so long
as it doesn't involve stepping on a crack or getting dirty or pretty
much going outside and doing anything at all. Special guest
appearance by cops so inept they make Car 54 spin in its grave.
NCIS - Worry.
Numb3rs - Don't worry, math will save you, or at least catch your
killer, so long as it can be explained on a chalkboard. With special
guest appearances by the kindly retired dad, the so-smart-he's-
practically-autistic kid, and Joel from Alaska, who, it turns out,
was really an FBI agent all along.
Without A Trace - Don't worry, if you disappear at a moment of
extreme stress, a team of beautiful people, some of whom are having
sex with each other, led by a brilliant but broken man, will find
you. Just make sure you live in New York and don't stray too far.
Although I think they were a bit rough on the NCIS crew! They aren't that bad, really. *grin*
And how sad is it that at one point I have seen all of these shows and I still actively follow 8 of them?