You Should Reconsider a Turtle as a Pet
Sometimes, when you open up your email box, you find little treasures that brighten your day... or at least make you wet your pants laughing.
Below is such a treasure.
(Note: Safe For Work Status is questionable due to key words (not images). Use your discretion.)
Link
http://champagnehercules.blogspot.com/2009/03/you-should-reconsider-turtle-as-pet.html#links
You Should Reconsider a Turtle as a Pet
I didn’t sleep well the other night. It was my dog’s fault. She began pacing and whimpering around 3AM in an attempt to get fed early. I refused to give in and she refused to give up. When I mentioned this to a coworker later that day, she nodded and said, “Yeah, dogs will do that. Turtles don't, though.”
BOOM! I was wide awake.
“Turtles don’t” implies that this woman owns a turtle and, as I’ve mentioned before, I receive an average of 53 emails a day from readers looking for advice on owning turtles as pets. Crazy, I know, but it happens. Roughly 53 times a day. Every day.
Until now I’ve had very little information to share on the subject of turtles as pets, but this was my chance to turn it around. I pressed “record” on my Blackberry’s Voice Recorder Application (take that iPhone!) and grabbed a nearby pen and notepad as backup.
Below is the “so you’re considering a turtle as a pet” information motherload.
(Spoiler alert: You should stop considering a turtle as a pet.)
Me: So, you have a pet turtle?
She: Yep.
Me: Does your turtle have a name?
She: Sheldon. He's 14 years old, 30 pounds, and doesn't pace around the room at night trying to wake me up to feed him.
Me: 30 pounds? No.
She: Turtles can get pretty big.
Me: Do you keep him in a cage or something?
She: He has a room to himself when I'm gone, but he roams around the house mostly.
Me: Where does he go to the bathroom?
She: In his room. He has a pad.
Me: What do turtles do as pets?
She: They walk and sleep and stuff. They're great, actually, especially if you have children.
Me: Because of the armor?
She: Yeah, but in general, they're just really sweet, loving, low-maintenance creatures.
Me: Oh, well that’s great then.
She: Totally. Every once in a while, Sheldon tries to kill this lizard that also lives at the house, but otherwise-
Me: What? How?
She: He sneaks up on him and then he'll-
Me: I never thought of turtles as being good "sneaker-uppers."
She: They're not, but the lizard's kind of oblivious, so Sheldon will sneak up on him until he's standing directly over the lizard and then he'll try to crush him with his shell.
Me: That’s pre-meditated murder. He's not just trying to kill the lizard, he's put some thought into it.
She: No, it's not like that.
Me: How is it different?
She: Because he never goes through with it.
Me: Because he has a change of heart?
She: Because I intervene and save the lizard.
Me: Ok. So, turtles are great with children but terrible with lizards.
She: Not all lizards, it could just be this one that-
Me: What if you have a baby? Would a pet turtle try to murder that baby?
She: No. Well, I don't think so.
Me: What if the baby resembled a lizard and was lying on the floor, oblivious to the turtle?
She: Well, maybe then.
Me: Ok, so turtles are good pets unless you have lizards...or babies that resemble lizards.
She: Right. And even then, as long as you pay attention to what the turtle's doing, you'll be fine.
Me: Good to know. What else can you tell me about turtles as pets?
She: Well...oh this is a good one, I thought Sheldon was a girl turtle for a while. I didn't know he was a boy until I came home and saw that he'd pooped out his intestines.
Me: Always a good indicator of one's sex.
She: So I rushed him to the vet, freaking out that he was dying or something and the vet tells me that was just his penis.
Me: What?
She: His penis.
Me: What?
She: His little turtle penis. It pops out when he gets aroused but it's too dry to go back in on its own, so the vet showed me how to rub baby oil on it when that happens.
Me: No.
She: Yeah.
Me: Did it ever happen again or was that a once in a lifetime kind of-
She: All the time. Happens all the time. I keep baby oil around the house now.
Me: Tooooo...?
She: To rub on his penis.
Me: Ok. So turtles are good pets because they are low-maintenance and great with kids, but they may murder your other pets (and possibly your babies) if they are not watched closely. Also, you will often have to rub baby oil on their erect turtle penises.
She: This sounds bad when you say it back to me.
Me: What else can you tell me about turtles? Are they clean creatures? You said Sheldon goes to the bathroom on a pad in his room. He never misses?
She: Nope.
Me: You never have to clean up a big pile of turtle shit in the hallway?
She: Never.
Me: Ever slip in a puddle of turtle piss when you’re making coffee in the morning?
She: No, he uses the pad in his room for that stuff, but there were other puddles for a while.
Me: Other puddles?
She: Yeah he went through a, I mean, all turtles go through a “sexual awakening.”
Me: Of course, that’s common knowledge.
She: So he went through a phase where he would ejaculate on the floor.
Me: Was this related to you rubbing his penis with baby oil?
She: It did start around that time, but I don’t think it was anything that I was doing.
Me: Right. That’d be silly.
She: But he stopped after a while, so that’s not something you always have to deal with.
Me: How long did it go on?
She: 6 months or so.
Me: How often did this happen?
She: I don’t know. More than I wanted it to. I gotta get back to work.
Me: No problem, real quick, though, I need to sum this up. Turtles…great with kids, but keep an eye out for murders, erections, and puddles of turtle jizz. That sound right?
She: That sounds terrible.
Me: Yes it does.
Below is such a treasure.
(Note: Safe For Work Status is questionable due to key words (not images). Use your discretion.)
Link
http://champagnehercules.blogspot.com/2009/03/you-should-reconsider-turtle-as-pet.html#links
You Should Reconsider a Turtle as a Pet
I didn’t sleep well the other night. It was my dog’s fault. She began pacing and whimpering around 3AM in an attempt to get fed early. I refused to give in and she refused to give up. When I mentioned this to a coworker later that day, she nodded and said, “Yeah, dogs will do that. Turtles don't, though.”
BOOM! I was wide awake.
“Turtles don’t” implies that this woman owns a turtle and, as I’ve mentioned before, I receive an average of 53 emails a day from readers looking for advice on owning turtles as pets. Crazy, I know, but it happens. Roughly 53 times a day. Every day.
Until now I’ve had very little information to share on the subject of turtles as pets, but this was my chance to turn it around. I pressed “record” on my Blackberry’s Voice Recorder Application (take that iPhone!) and grabbed a nearby pen and notepad as backup.
Below is the “so you’re considering a turtle as a pet” information motherload.
(Spoiler alert: You should stop considering a turtle as a pet.)
Me: So, you have a pet turtle?
She: Yep.
Me: Does your turtle have a name?
She: Sheldon. He's 14 years old, 30 pounds, and doesn't pace around the room at night trying to wake me up to feed him.
Me: 30 pounds? No.
She: Turtles can get pretty big.
Me: Do you keep him in a cage or something?
She: He has a room to himself when I'm gone, but he roams around the house mostly.
Me: Where does he go to the bathroom?
She: In his room. He has a pad.
Me: What do turtles do as pets?
She: They walk and sleep and stuff. They're great, actually, especially if you have children.
Me: Because of the armor?
She: Yeah, but in general, they're just really sweet, loving, low-maintenance creatures.
Me: Oh, well that’s great then.
She: Totally. Every once in a while, Sheldon tries to kill this lizard that also lives at the house, but otherwise-
Me: What? How?
She: He sneaks up on him and then he'll-
Me: I never thought of turtles as being good "sneaker-uppers."
She: They're not, but the lizard's kind of oblivious, so Sheldon will sneak up on him until he's standing directly over the lizard and then he'll try to crush him with his shell.
Me: That’s pre-meditated murder. He's not just trying to kill the lizard, he's put some thought into it.
She: No, it's not like that.
Me: How is it different?
She: Because he never goes through with it.
Me: Because he has a change of heart?
She: Because I intervene and save the lizard.
Me: Ok. So, turtles are great with children but terrible with lizards.
She: Not all lizards, it could just be this one that-
Me: What if you have a baby? Would a pet turtle try to murder that baby?
She: No. Well, I don't think so.
Me: What if the baby resembled a lizard and was lying on the floor, oblivious to the turtle?
She: Well, maybe then.
Me: Ok, so turtles are good pets unless you have lizards...or babies that resemble lizards.
She: Right. And even then, as long as you pay attention to what the turtle's doing, you'll be fine.
Me: Good to know. What else can you tell me about turtles as pets?
She: Well...oh this is a good one, I thought Sheldon was a girl turtle for a while. I didn't know he was a boy until I came home and saw that he'd pooped out his intestines.
Me: Always a good indicator of one's sex.
She: So I rushed him to the vet, freaking out that he was dying or something and the vet tells me that was just his penis.
Me: What?
She: His penis.
Me: What?
She: His little turtle penis. It pops out when he gets aroused but it's too dry to go back in on its own, so the vet showed me how to rub baby oil on it when that happens.
Me: No.
She: Yeah.
Me: Did it ever happen again or was that a once in a lifetime kind of-
She: All the time. Happens all the time. I keep baby oil around the house now.
Me: Tooooo...?
She: To rub on his penis.
Me: Ok. So turtles are good pets because they are low-maintenance and great with kids, but they may murder your other pets (and possibly your babies) if they are not watched closely. Also, you will often have to rub baby oil on their erect turtle penises.
She: This sounds bad when you say it back to me.
Me: What else can you tell me about turtles? Are they clean creatures? You said Sheldon goes to the bathroom on a pad in his room. He never misses?
She: Nope.
Me: You never have to clean up a big pile of turtle shit in the hallway?
She: Never.
Me: Ever slip in a puddle of turtle piss when you’re making coffee in the morning?
She: No, he uses the pad in his room for that stuff, but there were other puddles for a while.
Me: Other puddles?
She: Yeah he went through a, I mean, all turtles go through a “sexual awakening.”
Me: Of course, that’s common knowledge.
She: So he went through a phase where he would ejaculate on the floor.
Me: Was this related to you rubbing his penis with baby oil?
She: It did start around that time, but I don’t think it was anything that I was doing.
Me: Right. That’d be silly.
She: But he stopped after a while, so that’s not something you always have to deal with.
Me: How long did it go on?
She: 6 months or so.
Me: How often did this happen?
She: I don’t know. More than I wanted it to. I gotta get back to work.
Me: No problem, real quick, though, I need to sum this up. Turtles…great with kids, but keep an eye out for murders, erections, and puddles of turtle jizz. That sound right?
She: That sounds terrible.
Me: Yes it does.