Tell me, what do you do when it all falls apart?

[merlinnimue]

I don't get it.
I really don't understand why I'm alive.

I'm trying to come up with words to explain why,
but you probably won't understand it anyways.

The fact of the matter is this:
I'm not good enough.

I'm not cool enough.
I'm not handsome enough.
I'm not social enough.
I'm not smart enough.

Some of these can be fixed. Some cannot.

I know a lot of people say that this is just lack of confidence
or lack of self-esteem talking.
I can grant you that.
But confidence & self-esteem only get one so far.
One needs ability to back that up.
And that is just something I completely lack.

I just don't get it.
Teaching and researching mathematics is what I really want to do.
And I don't see how I'll be able to do that.

I don't see how I will be able to contribute to society.
That scares me and hurts me. A lot.

So that's that, I guess.
I'm just not good enough.
That's the reality that I just have to deal with.
And it's fucking hell.

Sorry for wasting your time. Again.