Please don't mind what I'm trying to say 'cause I... I'm being honest.
I wanted to write this a while ago,
but things kept coming up,
and it got postponed.
But then my horoscope said to let people know my thoughts
that I've been keeping for some time now,
so away we go.
Please don't mind what I'm trying to say 'cause I... I'm being honest.
So I graduated or something...
Guess I'm obligated to write a coming of age post.
Only problem is, I haven't come of age.
Well, here goes something...
So last year I got an awesome birthday present:
she got her freedom.
This year, however, I got an even better one:
I GOT MINE.
I'll get back to the former in a second,
but I wanna concentrate on some me time.
That's right -- I'm officially an alumnus of Carnegie Mellon!
Instead of demanding me for money, they'll now have to be
satisfied with merely ASKING me for it. Very nice!
So yeah...
I guess the big question is how the past four years have shaped me.
Have I really learned anything about and/or improved myself?
Well, the answer is... COMING UP AFTER THIS BREAK!
(Haha... wasn't that funny? No? Ok, then.)
Well, when I started this shindig, I was
just a shy, quiet, weird, creepy, fat, stupid,
ugly, disgusting, lazy, lonely bastard.
I guess it's fairly obvious, then, that nothing's changed.
I was a young boy who had big plans;
now I'm just another shitty old man.
You see, when I came here,
I had the hope of maybe making a name for myself,
impressing people with my smarts, and making friends.
But time's passed, and I've completed my studies
making no friends and impressing no one.
I suppose it's only natural for someone to want
to have sense of purpose or significance in his life.
But in the end, most people aren't cut out for that.
I really wanted to believe that I could make a name for myself,
but I guess it just wasn't to be.
And I see my loser self almost everywhere I go.
I'm the guy you usually make fun of in movies and books.
If you've ever seen the movie Slackers,
I'm that creepy guy "Cool" Ethan.
If you've ever read the book A Confederacy of Dunces,
I'm that lazy no good of a bum Ignatius.
It really becomes quite depressing after a while.
I think I'm beginning to see why I couldn't
ever have made any kind of impact on the world:
I just don't care about anything.
Ok, sure, I may LIKE some things
(like maybe math, for instance),
but I just don't care about anything enough.
Many of you have heard me talking about killing myself many times.
Wanna know why I haven't done it? Ok, yeah, because I'm a wuss,
but also because I don't really care about whether I live or die.
Dying takes more effort, so I guess I'll just stay put for now.
This also applies to people. Yeah, this means you.
I don't really care about other people.
Guess that kinda makes me a selfish bastard,
but I don't really care about me either,
so... yeah, that just kinda leaves me in limbo.
It also helps to explain why I can't keep any friends.
Sometimes people get the foolish notion that they want
to be my friend and have an interest in me,
but then they realize that I have no interest in them,
and then they stop wasting their efforts.
This also makes me wonder about whether or not
I'd make a good husband or father.
Of course, the answer is no in both cases, and for many reasons.
I wouldn't make a good husband because I would suck at providing
for my wife, and I would ultimately stop caring about her feelings and such.
I wouldn't make a good father to children because I'd never be able
to discipline them properly, and so they'd just run amok,
and I'd never be able to teach them anything, since I've never really learned:
how to ride a bike, how to play sports, how to read...
Ultimately neither is in the best interests of society.
I suppose this means that I'll probably die alone.
But you know what? No, not chicken butt.
I'm really OK with that, because, and nothing personal,
I just don't really like you people.
I just never seem to have a good time with others,
and I've never played well with others,
even since as far back as I can remember.
Just not in my genes, I guess.
Some of you may have a hard time accepting all this.
I know I did.
But once I accepted it, I became a little bit happier.
I don't know why knowing how I'm a fuck-up makes everything better,
and every now and again those realizations still sting,
but somehow knowing these grotesqueries of mine make it easier.
So yeah, this has devolved into a series of self insults,
which I promised myself I wouldn't do,
but when you're this fucked up, what else can you do?
There's just one more thing I'd like to add: she's the greatest love I've ever had.
I guess no formal wrap-up could be complete without some mention of her.
This could easily devolve into a mess of sappy lyrics,
and I'll just try to keep this as simple as possible.
As I've said before, I don't really care about other people.
If that's true, then you could argue that I've never really loved Kathryn...
but I wanted to.
I still think about her now and then.
Sometimes I'm fine with it, other times it really hurts.
Maybe one day this pain will all go away,
maybe it'll always be in the back of my mind.
Who knows?
They say time is a healer? Healing hearts still bleed.
Well, as long as we're still friends, it's all good.
And we are... I think... sort of...
And after all that we've been through, I hope we're cool.
Well, that should suffice as a close to my years at CMU.
Now on to bigger and better things... or maybe just things.
As an aside, to commemorate my advance to a new school,
I guess it's time for a new blog. It will not replace this one,
but run alongside it. Hopefully updating that one frequently
will remind me to update this thingamajig more often.
Anyways, check out aftermath.uniblogs.org for more info.
So, without further to do, as is tradition here,
THIS IS ZE TIME ON SCHPROKETS VHERE VE DAHNSE!!
No, wait, that isn't quite right...
Music of the Day
Some good advice for all of you, perhaps some more than others.
Hate Me by Blue October
”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you are doing. You sounded really uptight last night. It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well, it made me nervous. It sounded like you were nervous, too. I just wanted to make sure you were really OK, and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication. You know I love you, and... Take care, honey. I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye-bye."
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head.
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed,
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone,
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain.
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space.
Hate me today!
Hate me tomorrow!
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you!
Hate me in ways...
yeah, ways hard to swallow!
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you!
I’m sober now for 3 whole months -- it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with;
the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again.
In a sick way, I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night;
while I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight.
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take.
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind,
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.
Hate me today!
Hate me tomorrow!
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you!
Hate me in ways...
yeah, ways hard to swallow!
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you!
And with a sad heart, I say bye to you and wave,
kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made.
And like a baby boy, I never was a man
until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand.
And then I fell down yelling, “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile, come back and shine just like it used to be.
And then she whispered, “How can you do this to me?”
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways...
yeah, ways hard to swallow!
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you!
Ok, that's it. Take care of yourselves and each other (since I won't do either).
Peace
but things kept coming up,
and it got postponed.
But then my horoscope said to let people know my thoughts
that I've been keeping for some time now,
so away we go.
Please don't mind what I'm trying to say 'cause I... I'm being honest.
So I graduated or something...
Guess I'm obligated to write a coming of age post.
Only problem is, I haven't come of age.
Well, here goes something...
So last year I got an awesome birthday present:
she got her freedom.
This year, however, I got an even better one:
I GOT MINE.
I'll get back to the former in a second,
but I wanna concentrate on some me time.
That's right -- I'm officially an alumnus of Carnegie Mellon!
Instead of demanding me for money, they'll now have to be
satisfied with merely ASKING me for it. Very nice!
So yeah...
I guess the big question is how the past four years have shaped me.
Have I really learned anything about and/or improved myself?
Well, the answer is... COMING UP AFTER THIS BREAK!
(Haha... wasn't that funny? No? Ok, then.)
Well, when I started this shindig, I was
just a shy, quiet, weird, creepy, fat, stupid,
ugly, disgusting, lazy, lonely bastard.
I guess it's fairly obvious, then, that nothing's changed.
I was a young boy who had big plans;
now I'm just another shitty old man.
You see, when I came here,
I had the hope of maybe making a name for myself,
impressing people with my smarts, and making friends.
But time's passed, and I've completed my studies
making no friends and impressing no one.
I suppose it's only natural for someone to want
to have sense of purpose or significance in his life.
But in the end, most people aren't cut out for that.
I really wanted to believe that I could make a name for myself,
but I guess it just wasn't to be.
And I see my loser self almost everywhere I go.
I'm the guy you usually make fun of in movies and books.
If you've ever seen the movie Slackers,
I'm that creepy guy "Cool" Ethan.
If you've ever read the book A Confederacy of Dunces,
I'm that lazy no good of a bum Ignatius.
It really becomes quite depressing after a while.
I think I'm beginning to see why I couldn't
ever have made any kind of impact on the world:
I just don't care about anything.
Ok, sure, I may LIKE some things
(like maybe math, for instance),
but I just don't care about anything enough.
Many of you have heard me talking about killing myself many times.
Wanna know why I haven't done it? Ok, yeah, because I'm a wuss,
but also because I don't really care about whether I live or die.
Dying takes more effort, so I guess I'll just stay put for now.
This also applies to people. Yeah, this means you.
I don't really care about other people.
Guess that kinda makes me a selfish bastard,
but I don't really care about me either,
so... yeah, that just kinda leaves me in limbo.
It also helps to explain why I can't keep any friends.
Sometimes people get the foolish notion that they want
to be my friend and have an interest in me,
but then they realize that I have no interest in them,
and then they stop wasting their efforts.
This also makes me wonder about whether or not
I'd make a good husband or father.
Of course, the answer is no in both cases, and for many reasons.
I wouldn't make a good husband because I would suck at providing
for my wife, and I would ultimately stop caring about her feelings and such.
I wouldn't make a good father to children because I'd never be able
to discipline them properly, and so they'd just run amok,
and I'd never be able to teach them anything, since I've never really learned:
how to ride a bike, how to play sports, how to read...
Ultimately neither is in the best interests of society.
I suppose this means that I'll probably die alone.
But you know what? No, not chicken butt.
I'm really OK with that, because, and nothing personal,
I just don't really like you people.
I just never seem to have a good time with others,
and I've never played well with others,
even since as far back as I can remember.
Just not in my genes, I guess.
Some of you may have a hard time accepting all this.
I know I did.
But once I accepted it, I became a little bit happier.
I don't know why knowing how I'm a fuck-up makes everything better,
and every now and again those realizations still sting,
but somehow knowing these grotesqueries of mine make it easier.
So yeah, this has devolved into a series of self insults,
which I promised myself I wouldn't do,
but when you're this fucked up, what else can you do?
There's just one more thing I'd like to add: she's the greatest love I've ever had.
I guess no formal wrap-up could be complete without some mention of her.
This could easily devolve into a mess of sappy lyrics,
and I'll just try to keep this as simple as possible.
As I've said before, I don't really care about other people.
If that's true, then you could argue that I've never really loved Kathryn...
but I wanted to.
I still think about her now and then.
Sometimes I'm fine with it, other times it really hurts.
Maybe one day this pain will all go away,
maybe it'll always be in the back of my mind.
Who knows?
They say time is a healer? Healing hearts still bleed.
Well, as long as we're still friends, it's all good.
And we are... I think... sort of...
And after all that we've been through, I hope we're cool.
Well, that should suffice as a close to my years at CMU.
Now on to bigger and better things... or maybe just things.
As an aside, to commemorate my advance to a new school,
I guess it's time for a new blog. It will not replace this one,
but run alongside it. Hopefully updating that one frequently
will remind me to update this thingamajig more often.
Anyways, check out aftermath.uniblogs.org for more info.
So, without further to do, as is tradition here,
THIS IS ZE TIME ON SCHPROKETS VHERE VE DAHNSE!!
No, wait, that isn't quite right...
Music of the Day
Some good advice for all of you, perhaps some more than others.
Click to viewHate Me by Blue October
”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you are doing. You sounded really uptight last night. It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well, it made me nervous. It sounded like you were nervous, too. I just wanted to make sure you were really OK, and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication. You know I love you, and... Take care, honey. I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye-bye."
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head.
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed,
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone,
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain.
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space.
Hate me today!
Hate me tomorrow!
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you!
Hate me in ways...
yeah, ways hard to swallow!
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you!
I’m sober now for 3 whole months -- it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with;
the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again.
In a sick way, I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night;
while I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight.
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take.
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind,
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.
Hate me today!
Hate me tomorrow!
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you!
Hate me in ways...
yeah, ways hard to swallow!
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you!
And with a sad heart, I say bye to you and wave,
kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made.
And like a baby boy, I never was a man
until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand.
And then I fell down yelling, “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile, come back and shine just like it used to be.
And then she whispered, “How can you do this to me?”
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways...
yeah, ways hard to swallow!
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you!
Ok, that's it. Take care of yourselves and each other (since I won't do either).
Peace