Merlin the Evil Overlord
“Welcome,” said Nimueh, grinning wickedly at the latest batch of terrified villagers. “To Camelot. But this is not the Camelot you knew, as you may have noticed.” They had, in fact, noticed (after all, it was now painted black). “Because it’s now under our power! The power of...” she paused for dramatic effect. And was interrupted.
“Nimueh!” someone called from down a corridor.
“The power of...” she tried again.
“Nimueh!” they called again, from somewhere rather closer to her.
“Of-” she began.
“Nimueh!” said Merlin, bouncing into the room. “Nimueh, guess what! Lancelot came back, so I was going to chain him up with Arthur, but then I thought maybe I could chain him to Arthur, so I did that, and it’s much more fun now! Come look!”
She glared at him. He turned and surveyed the room.
“Oh,” he said. “More villagers!” he waved at them. “Hallo! I’m Merlin, your Evil Overlord!”
“Merlin?” said Nimueh.
“Yes?”
“Go away, and let me do the talking, will you?”
“But aren’t you going to come and see Lancelot?” he said.
“I will later,” she said. “Alright?”
He nodded, waved to the villagers again, and ran out of the room. She cleared her throat. “As I was saying,” she said. “The power of... dark magic!”
There was silence. She glared at them, and they all gasped in rather forced shock.
“Now,” she said. “Do any of you have any questions?”
One (male) villager cautiously raised his hand.
“Yes?” she said.
“He’s not going to get to chain us up,” he said. “Is he?”
“Oh, probably,” she said, deciding to just go with this. “And he might make you wear a silly hat, too!”
Title: Merlin the Evil Overlord and the Pit of Flamey Doom
Raiting: PG-13
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Lancelot, Merlin/Nimueh
Wordcount: 417 words.
Summary: The next thing he knew he was hanging upside down in what Merlin called the 'Pit of Flamey Doom'
It had taken Arthur rather too long to get his head around the fact that pissing of Merlin was now a thoroughly bad idea. Even after several incidents involving chains and whips he didn’t get it. And even after Lancelot started an argument with him and then vanished inexplicably (he’d asked a few times, but Merlin wasn’t being very forthcoming).
One day he’d happened to say that Merlin’s new evil overlord cloak made him look like a complete and utter prat, and then next thing he knew he was hanging upside down and naked in what Merlin called ‘the pit of flamey doom’.
“I did say I was sorry!” he called up at Merlin.
“Sorry’s not good enough!” said Merlin, and Arthur sank a little further down. “I like my cloak. Nimueh said she liked it!”
“Well,” said Arthur. “In case you hadn’t noticed, Nimueh has terrible fashion sense.”
That got him a rather violent jerk of the chains, and he was lowered down still further.
“I like the way she dresses!” shouted Merlin. “Now, say that you like my cloak.”
“Will you let me up if I do?”
There was a moment’s consideration. “Maaybe,” said Merlin.
“That’s a no, isn’t it?”
“Maaybe.”
“Then I won’t,” said Arthur.
“Fine!” said Merlin, lowering Arthur down a little further. “Pit of flamey doom it is!”
“You really should have given it a catchier name,” said Arthur.
“Like what?” said Merlin.
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Arthur.
“You’re starting to sound like Lancelot,” said Merlin.
Lancelot had told Merlin that calling things ‘the chainy shackles of doom’ or ‘the doomful dungeons’ was stupid, right before he disappeared.
“Where is Lancelot, exactly?” said Arthur.
“None of your business!” said Merlin. Arthur fell the last few metres rather quickly, and his head hit the bottom with a thump. He looked around as best he could.
“Shouldn’t there be some flames here, somewhere?” he called.
“Aren’t there any?” said Merlin. “There were earlier, when I tested it. Shall I go and see if I can find out what’s wrong?”
“No,” said Arthur. “I’d rather you didn’t.”
“Alright, then,” said Merlin. “I suppose I’ll let you up and-” he broke off. “Nimueh!” he said.
“What?” said Arthur.
“Telepathy,” said Merlin. “Must dash. Back later, Arthur! You’ll be alright down there until then, won’t you?”
“No!” Arthur called. “All the blood's rushing to my head! Merlin?”
There was no answer.
“Merlin!” he called, kicking frantically. The chains jangled, but there still wasn’t any answer. “MERLIN!”
Title: Merlin the Evil Overlord and the Heroic Rebels
Raiting: PG-13
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot
Wordcount: 2237 words.
Summary: There were three Heroic Rebels.
There were three Heroic Rebels.
Well, actually, there was rather more than three (after all, they took up a whole village), but there were three people in The Inner Sanctum.
Or had been, anyway, until Lancelot had ridden off to face the evil overlords, along with the other four best-fighters-we’ve-got.
They’d all since been found wandering in the woods looking dazed, unable to recall how they’d got there, except Lancelot. He hadn’t been seen in three weeks.
And so the inner sanctum had called a meeting to discuss whether or not they should go after him.
“I’m sure he’s not dead,” said Gwen. “They were friends. Merlin wouldn’t just kill him. And neither would Morgana.”
“But Nimueh would,” said Gaius.
“Still,” said Gwen brightly. “Two out of three of them won’t kill him.”
“That doesn’t really help us, Gwen,” said Gaius.
“And they didn’t kill the others,” Gwen continued. “So there’s a chance that if we send some more people to Camelot, we might learn something.”
Gaius sighed. “I suppose you’re right,” he said. “But we can’t send the men who went before.”
Unfortunately, those four men were now refusing to go anyway near Camelot, even though they couldn’t remember why.
“Well, we can send some others,” said Gwen. “And I’m going with them.”
“Gwen, you can’t-”
“I know him, Gaius. I can talk to him. I might be able to get through to him.”
“If you think it’s that important that we reason with him, then I’ll go,” said Gaius.
“Gaius, we need you,” she said. “You’re our physician. And if I don’t come back, you’ll do better without me than I will without you.”
“Gwen, that’s ridiculous-”
The meeting of The Inner Sanctum of The Heroic Rebels continued in much the same vein for almost two hours, which I shall not recount here. All that need be reported is that Gwen eventually won the argument, and left for Camelot along with the three second-best-fighters-we’ve-got.
---
The gate was unguarded. Other than that, the only things that had changed were that the walls were now painted black, and that were was a large sign across the top of the gate.
It said ‘WELCOME TO THE CASTLE OF TERROR’. It was slightly battered, as if it had been removed and re-attached several times. The four Heroic Rebels stood and stared at it, not sure what to say.
“Is it just me,” said one eventually. “Or is anyone else less scared now they’ve seen that?”
There was a murmur of agreement before they went inside.
---
The palace was rather darker than she remembered. And it took rather a long time to find anyone. Eventually, while all four of them were all standing still at a junction, wondering which way to go, they heard footsteps behind them.
And when they turned to look, there were only three of them.
“Oh, no,” said Gwen.
“He’s probably wandering in the woods by now,” said one of her companions.
The decision was made to keep going. But then the same thing happened again.
And again.
“Oh, no,” said Gwen, surveying the empty corridor behind her. This was not good. She was now all alone in The Castle of Terror, with three Evil Overlords, one of whom would probably kill her.
She did the only thing she could think to do, and kept going.
Thankfully, though, it wasn’t long before she heard voices. And one of them was definitely Merlin. The other sounded like Arthur. They were coming from nearby.
On closer inspection, she found a door. Which she flung open.
The door turned out to lead to the great hall (or what had been the great hall), and they both stopped speaking abruptly when she came in.
Merlin was draped across the throne (which, like everything else, was painted black), and Arthur was... chained up on the wall. And looking at her very oddly.
“Oh, hallo, Gwen,” said Merlin. “I see you found your way here eventually?”
She stared at him, and didn’t answer.
“Good,” he said, climbing to his feet. “So, what was it you wanted?”
“What have you done with Lancelot?” she said. Merlin just laughed.
“Don’t even bother asking,” said Arthur, from the wall. “I’ve already tried, and he won’t say.”
“Did you kill him?” she said.
“No,” said Merlin, frowning. “Why would I kill him? I quite like him.”
“That’s what I thought,” said Gwen.
“Well,” said Merlin. “If that’s all you wanted to know-”
“No!” said Gwen. “No, I wanted to talk to you.”
“Alright, then,” said Merlin. He sat down on the throne again. “Talk away.”
She took a few steps forward. “You should come back with me,” she said.
“Why?” said Merlin, frowning again.
“Because I know there’s still good in you!”
Merlin’s frown became even.. frown-ier. “Well... yes,” he said. “Yes, I was aware of that.”
“Then how can you do this?” she said. “You have Arthur chained to a wall!”
“Oh, he doesn’t mind,” said Merlin. He turned to Arthur. “Do you?”
“Well, actually, my arms are starting to ache,” said Arthur. “Could you let me down, now?”
“Oh, alright,” said Merlin. He hopped off the throne and reached for a wheel on the wall below Arthur.
“OW! Wrong way, you idiot!” Arthur shouted a moment later. “I want to go down.”
“Sorry!” said Merlin, hastily turning the wheel the other way. “Sorry.”
Gwen watched as he let Arthur down, increasingly confused.
“What, exactly,” she said. “Is going on here?”
“What, in this room?” said Merlin. “Or in the Castle of Terror generally?”
“I’m going to tell Morgana you called it that again,” said Arthur.
“Oh, shut up, you,” said Merlin. “Don’t make me get out the bullwhip.”
Arthur shut up quickly.
“Either,” said Gwen. “Both.”
“I’m an Evil Overlord,” said Merlin. “It’s fun. You should try it some day.” He released Arthur from the chains as he spoke, then turned to him. “I’m taking you back to the dungeons now.”
Gwen followed the two of them out of the room. “I don’t really think what you’re doing is fun,” she said. “You took over Camelot!”
“So?” said Merlin. “Come on, Gwen, you didn’t really like Uther, did you?”
“I didn’t want him dead!” said Gwen.
“Oh, he’s not dead,” said Merlin. He frowned. “Probably. Last time I saw him, he was chained up in a tower room somewhere.”
“You chained him up?”
“No, Nimueh did,” said Merlin. “He didn’t seem very happy about it.”
“I’m hardly surprised,” said Arthur.
“Shut up,” said Merlin. “I’ll get the bullwhip!”
Arthur shut up.
“We haven’t killed that many people,” said Merlin. “Really.”
“What about all the skeletons?” said Gwen. “Outside the castle? There’s hundreds!”
“Oh, those aren’t real,” said Merlin. “We just put them there to make things more dramatic. Does it work?”
Gwen gave up. “Yes, actually,” she said. “But the banner isn’t helping.”
“I like the banner!” snapped Merlin. Gwen suspected he’d argued about this with people before.
---
When they reached the dungeons, Merlin insisted on showing her The Pit of Flamey Doom. Gwen couldn’t see much in the way of Flamey Doom in it.
“It just looks like a pit to me,” she said. Merlin peered into it.
“Well,” he said. “There should be flames.” He scowled, and shouted into its depths. “Work, damn you!”
There was an answering rumble, then silence. Gwen took a few hurried steps back, just in case, but all that came out was a few whisps of smoke.
“Stupid thing!” said Merlin, dragging Arthur away.
“Is Lancelot alright?” she said, running after him.
“Mostly,” said Merlin.
“Can we have him back?” said Gwen.
Merlin stopped walking, and turned to look at her. “Do you really have to? I like having him.”
“He gets chained up a lot too,” said Arthur. “Or he used to, anyway.”
“Bullwhip!” said Merlin, then turned back to Gwen. “Alright, fine, take him back. Give me a moment and I’ll go and get him.”
He chained Arthur to the nearest wall, then vanished into the shadows, leaving Gwen alone.
“Don’t you mind being chained up?” she said after a few minutes. Arthur considered this.
“Not really,” he said. “But I don’t like the bullwhip.”
“So what happened to Lancelot?” she said.
“Hell if I know,” said Arthur. “He started an argument with Merlin about whether or not him being chained upside down was ethical, and I haven’t seen him since.”
“But he’s still alive?” said Gwen.
Arthur shrugged. The chains jangled for quite some time. “Apparently,” he said, when the noise died down. Then he smiled, and pointed at something over her shoulder. “Look! A bat!”
“Oh?” said Gwen, turning round.
The bat was the size of a small dog, and it was flying right at her. She screamed. “Bat! Bat! Get it off get it off get it off!”
“It’s not even touching you, Gwen,” said Arthur. “Look, there it goes.” Gwen peeked out from behind her hands. The bat had indeed flown right past her, and was now hanging from the ceiling nearby. “Merlin swears it’s actually a vampire in disguise,” said Arthur. “But he’s clearly lying.”
Gwen looked nervously at the bat, which did not look back (it had its eyes shut, you see).
“Oh, there you are,” said a voice behind her. “Come to join the fun?”
Gwen swung around, face flushing. “My lady!” she said. “Of course I’m not here to - I mean, not that I don’t think - I mean, I’m sure you’re-”
“She’s here in her full capacity as a Heroic Rebel,” said Arthur.
“Shut up, you,” said Morgana. She turned back to Gwen. “It’s lovely to have you, Gwen. We don’t get many guests.”
“That might be because you’re… evil,” said Gwen.
“Evil,” said Arthur. “With a capital E. Don’t ever forget that.”
Morgana rolled her eyes. “Arthur, what have we told you about speaking when you’re spoken too?”
“Do it,” said Arthur. Morgana narrowed her eyes. “You told me not to speak when I’ve not been spoken to, though.”
“Anyway,” said Morgana. She turned to Gwen. “How’ve you been? Anything happening over in Heroic Rebel town?”
“It’s just a village, actually, and-” Gwen stopped short. Something was different about Morgana, and she’d just put her finger on what it was. “Are you wearing… eyeliner?” she said.
“No,” said Morgana, rather too quickly.
“She’s lying!” shouted a voice suddenly. “She so is!” Merlin emerged from a nearby doorway, clutching the end of a chain which stretched back into the passage behind him, taut and trembling. “I found him,” he said to Gwen, beaming. “I wasn’t sure I’d be able to. It’s a bit of a mess, you know.”
“No, I don’t know,” said Gwen. “And - Lancelot’s on the end of that chain? Merlin, let him go!”
“One moment,” said Merlin. He yanked on the chain, and a dazed-lookin Lancelot tumbled out behind him.
“Lancelot!” cried Gwen, running to his side. “Oh, you poor thing!”
“Gwen?” said Lancelot. “Is that you? What are you doing here?”
“What, we’re not allowed to have houseguests?” said Morgana.
“No,” said Arthur. “No, you are not.”
“Bullwhip!” snapped Morgana.
Gwen ignored both of them, and looked Lancelot up and down. He seemed to be mostly unhurt, but for a few fading marks on his back… but something was wrong. It was hard to tell what, given how little light there was in the dungeon, but -
“Where’s his chest hair?” she exclaimed.
“What now?” said Merlin.
Lancelot looked down at himself, then turned to glare at Merlin. “How could you?” he said. “You promised! ”
“Wow,” said Arthur, eying Lancelot’s now smooth chest. “You really are evil.”
“He insulting my skills of naming!” said Merlin. “He even said I shouldn’t call them my namey skills of naming!”
“That’s because it makes you sound ridiculous,” said Morgana, but she was ignored.
“Anyway, he deserved it,” said Merlin. He crossed his arms.
“Oh, poor Lancelot!” said Gwen, throwing her arms around him.
“Will you - still want me without it?” said Lancelot.
“I bet,” said Arthur, breaking off to laugh. “I bet you cut it off, then glued it to your own chest,” he said. “Didn’t you, Merlin? ”
“Of course not!” said Merlin, spinning round to face him. “Why would I do that?”
“To compensate,” said Arthur. “You hardly have any yourself, so you took Lancelot’s.”
“That’s not true!” said Merlin. “Shut up!” he hissed.
“You did! ” Arthur crowed, delighted. “I knew it!”
“Right,” said Merlin. “That is it. It’s bullwhip time, mister.”
“Oh, no,” said Arthur, eyes suddenly wide with horror. “Oh, no no no - not the bullwhip! I’ll shut up now! Promise!”
But Merlin had already grabbed hold of the end of his chain. “You’re coming with me!” he said. “Bullwhip! ”
“I hate you,” Arthur gasped out as he was dragged away.
“Morgana, show Gwen and Lancelot to the door,” Merlin called over his shoulder.
“Oh,” Arthur struggled to turn and face them. “Bye Gwen! Bye Lancelot! See you soon, maybe?”
“Good bye!” Lancelot called after him. "It was nice being chained to you all those times!" Gwen just stared.
“Cup of tea before you go?” said Morgana with a smile.
“So where were you?” Gwen said to Lancelot as they climbed the stairs out of the dungeons.
“I… don’t know,” said Lancelot.
“Well… what was it like?” said Gwen, lifting one of his chains so he wouldn’t trip.
“I think I saw… beans,” he said.
“…Beans.”
“Yes. Lots of beans.”
“Nimueh!” someone called from down a corridor.
“The power of...” she tried again.
“Nimueh!” they called again, from somewhere rather closer to her.
“Of-” she began.
“Nimueh!” said Merlin, bouncing into the room. “Nimueh, guess what! Lancelot came back, so I was going to chain him up with Arthur, but then I thought maybe I could chain him to Arthur, so I did that, and it’s much more fun now! Come look!”
She glared at him. He turned and surveyed the room.
“Oh,” he said. “More villagers!” he waved at them. “Hallo! I’m Merlin, your Evil Overlord!”
“Merlin?” said Nimueh.
“Yes?”
“Go away, and let me do the talking, will you?”
“But aren’t you going to come and see Lancelot?” he said.
“I will later,” she said. “Alright?”
He nodded, waved to the villagers again, and ran out of the room. She cleared her throat. “As I was saying,” she said. “The power of... dark magic!”
There was silence. She glared at them, and they all gasped in rather forced shock.
“Now,” she said. “Do any of you have any questions?”
One (male) villager cautiously raised his hand.
“Yes?” she said.
“He’s not going to get to chain us up,” he said. “Is he?”
“Oh, probably,” she said, deciding to just go with this. “And he might make you wear a silly hat, too!”
Title: Merlin the Evil Overlord and the Pit of Flamey Doom
Raiting: PG-13
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Lancelot, Merlin/Nimueh
Wordcount: 417 words.
Summary: The next thing he knew he was hanging upside down in what Merlin called the 'Pit of Flamey Doom'
It had taken Arthur rather too long to get his head around the fact that pissing of Merlin was now a thoroughly bad idea. Even after several incidents involving chains and whips he didn’t get it. And even after Lancelot started an argument with him and then vanished inexplicably (he’d asked a few times, but Merlin wasn’t being very forthcoming).
One day he’d happened to say that Merlin’s new evil overlord cloak made him look like a complete and utter prat, and then next thing he knew he was hanging upside down and naked in what Merlin called ‘the pit of flamey doom’.
“I did say I was sorry!” he called up at Merlin.
“Sorry’s not good enough!” said Merlin, and Arthur sank a little further down. “I like my cloak. Nimueh said she liked it!”
“Well,” said Arthur. “In case you hadn’t noticed, Nimueh has terrible fashion sense.”
That got him a rather violent jerk of the chains, and he was lowered down still further.
“I like the way she dresses!” shouted Merlin. “Now, say that you like my cloak.”
“Will you let me up if I do?”
There was a moment’s consideration. “Maaybe,” said Merlin.
“That’s a no, isn’t it?”
“Maaybe.”
“Then I won’t,” said Arthur.
“Fine!” said Merlin, lowering Arthur down a little further. “Pit of flamey doom it is!”
“You really should have given it a catchier name,” said Arthur.
“Like what?” said Merlin.
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Arthur.
“You’re starting to sound like Lancelot,” said Merlin.
Lancelot had told Merlin that calling things ‘the chainy shackles of doom’ or ‘the doomful dungeons’ was stupid, right before he disappeared.
“Where is Lancelot, exactly?” said Arthur.
“None of your business!” said Merlin. Arthur fell the last few metres rather quickly, and his head hit the bottom with a thump. He looked around as best he could.
“Shouldn’t there be some flames here, somewhere?” he called.
“Aren’t there any?” said Merlin. “There were earlier, when I tested it. Shall I go and see if I can find out what’s wrong?”
“No,” said Arthur. “I’d rather you didn’t.”
“Alright, then,” said Merlin. “I suppose I’ll let you up and-” he broke off. “Nimueh!” he said.
“What?” said Arthur.
“Telepathy,” said Merlin. “Must dash. Back later, Arthur! You’ll be alright down there until then, won’t you?”
“No!” Arthur called. “All the blood's rushing to my head! Merlin?”
There was no answer.
“Merlin!” he called, kicking frantically. The chains jangled, but there still wasn’t any answer. “MERLIN!”
Title: Merlin the Evil Overlord and the Heroic Rebels
Raiting: PG-13
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot
Wordcount: 2237 words.
Summary: There were three Heroic Rebels.
There were three Heroic Rebels.
Well, actually, there was rather more than three (after all, they took up a whole village), but there were three people in The Inner Sanctum.
Or had been, anyway, until Lancelot had ridden off to face the evil overlords, along with the other four best-fighters-we’ve-got.
They’d all since been found wandering in the woods looking dazed, unable to recall how they’d got there, except Lancelot. He hadn’t been seen in three weeks.
And so the inner sanctum had called a meeting to discuss whether or not they should go after him.
“I’m sure he’s not dead,” said Gwen. “They were friends. Merlin wouldn’t just kill him. And neither would Morgana.”
“But Nimueh would,” said Gaius.
“Still,” said Gwen brightly. “Two out of three of them won’t kill him.”
“That doesn’t really help us, Gwen,” said Gaius.
“And they didn’t kill the others,” Gwen continued. “So there’s a chance that if we send some more people to Camelot, we might learn something.”
Gaius sighed. “I suppose you’re right,” he said. “But we can’t send the men who went before.”
Unfortunately, those four men were now refusing to go anyway near Camelot, even though they couldn’t remember why.
“Well, we can send some others,” said Gwen. “And I’m going with them.”
“Gwen, you can’t-”
“I know him, Gaius. I can talk to him. I might be able to get through to him.”
“If you think it’s that important that we reason with him, then I’ll go,” said Gaius.
“Gaius, we need you,” she said. “You’re our physician. And if I don’t come back, you’ll do better without me than I will without you.”
“Gwen, that’s ridiculous-”
The meeting of The Inner Sanctum of The Heroic Rebels continued in much the same vein for almost two hours, which I shall not recount here. All that need be reported is that Gwen eventually won the argument, and left for Camelot along with the three second-best-fighters-we’ve-got.
---
The gate was unguarded. Other than that, the only things that had changed were that the walls were now painted black, and that were was a large sign across the top of the gate.
It said ‘WELCOME TO THE CASTLE OF TERROR’. It was slightly battered, as if it had been removed and re-attached several times. The four Heroic Rebels stood and stared at it, not sure what to say.
“Is it just me,” said one eventually. “Or is anyone else less scared now they’ve seen that?”
There was a murmur of agreement before they went inside.
---
The palace was rather darker than she remembered. And it took rather a long time to find anyone. Eventually, while all four of them were all standing still at a junction, wondering which way to go, they heard footsteps behind them.
And when they turned to look, there were only three of them.
“Oh, no,” said Gwen.
“He’s probably wandering in the woods by now,” said one of her companions.
The decision was made to keep going. But then the same thing happened again.
And again.
“Oh, no,” said Gwen, surveying the empty corridor behind her. This was not good. She was now all alone in The Castle of Terror, with three Evil Overlords, one of whom would probably kill her.
She did the only thing she could think to do, and kept going.
Thankfully, though, it wasn’t long before she heard voices. And one of them was definitely Merlin. The other sounded like Arthur. They were coming from nearby.
On closer inspection, she found a door. Which she flung open.
The door turned out to lead to the great hall (or what had been the great hall), and they both stopped speaking abruptly when she came in.
Merlin was draped across the throne (which, like everything else, was painted black), and Arthur was... chained up on the wall. And looking at her very oddly.
“Oh, hallo, Gwen,” said Merlin. “I see you found your way here eventually?”
She stared at him, and didn’t answer.
“Good,” he said, climbing to his feet. “So, what was it you wanted?”
“What have you done with Lancelot?” she said. Merlin just laughed.
“Don’t even bother asking,” said Arthur, from the wall. “I’ve already tried, and he won’t say.”
“Did you kill him?” she said.
“No,” said Merlin, frowning. “Why would I kill him? I quite like him.”
“That’s what I thought,” said Gwen.
“Well,” said Merlin. “If that’s all you wanted to know-”
“No!” said Gwen. “No, I wanted to talk to you.”
“Alright, then,” said Merlin. He sat down on the throne again. “Talk away.”
She took a few steps forward. “You should come back with me,” she said.
“Why?” said Merlin, frowning again.
“Because I know there’s still good in you!”
Merlin’s frown became even.. frown-ier. “Well... yes,” he said. “Yes, I was aware of that.”
“Then how can you do this?” she said. “You have Arthur chained to a wall!”
“Oh, he doesn’t mind,” said Merlin. He turned to Arthur. “Do you?”
“Well, actually, my arms are starting to ache,” said Arthur. “Could you let me down, now?”
“Oh, alright,” said Merlin. He hopped off the throne and reached for a wheel on the wall below Arthur.
“OW! Wrong way, you idiot!” Arthur shouted a moment later. “I want to go down.”
“Sorry!” said Merlin, hastily turning the wheel the other way. “Sorry.”
Gwen watched as he let Arthur down, increasingly confused.
“What, exactly,” she said. “Is going on here?”
“What, in this room?” said Merlin. “Or in the Castle of Terror generally?”
“I’m going to tell Morgana you called it that again,” said Arthur.
“Oh, shut up, you,” said Merlin. “Don’t make me get out the bullwhip.”
Arthur shut up quickly.
“Either,” said Gwen. “Both.”
“I’m an Evil Overlord,” said Merlin. “It’s fun. You should try it some day.” He released Arthur from the chains as he spoke, then turned to him. “I’m taking you back to the dungeons now.”
Gwen followed the two of them out of the room. “I don’t really think what you’re doing is fun,” she said. “You took over Camelot!”
“So?” said Merlin. “Come on, Gwen, you didn’t really like Uther, did you?”
“I didn’t want him dead!” said Gwen.
“Oh, he’s not dead,” said Merlin. He frowned. “Probably. Last time I saw him, he was chained up in a tower room somewhere.”
“You chained him up?”
“No, Nimueh did,” said Merlin. “He didn’t seem very happy about it.”
“I’m hardly surprised,” said Arthur.
“Shut up,” said Merlin. “I’ll get the bullwhip!”
Arthur shut up.
“We haven’t killed that many people,” said Merlin. “Really.”
“What about all the skeletons?” said Gwen. “Outside the castle? There’s hundreds!”
“Oh, those aren’t real,” said Merlin. “We just put them there to make things more dramatic. Does it work?”
Gwen gave up. “Yes, actually,” she said. “But the banner isn’t helping.”
“I like the banner!” snapped Merlin. Gwen suspected he’d argued about this with people before.
---
When they reached the dungeons, Merlin insisted on showing her The Pit of Flamey Doom. Gwen couldn’t see much in the way of Flamey Doom in it.
“It just looks like a pit to me,” she said. Merlin peered into it.
“Well,” he said. “There should be flames.” He scowled, and shouted into its depths. “Work, damn you!”
There was an answering rumble, then silence. Gwen took a few hurried steps back, just in case, but all that came out was a few whisps of smoke.
“Stupid thing!” said Merlin, dragging Arthur away.
“Is Lancelot alright?” she said, running after him.
“Mostly,” said Merlin.
“Can we have him back?” said Gwen.
Merlin stopped walking, and turned to look at her. “Do you really have to? I like having him.”
“He gets chained up a lot too,” said Arthur. “Or he used to, anyway.”
“Bullwhip!” said Merlin, then turned back to Gwen. “Alright, fine, take him back. Give me a moment and I’ll go and get him.”
He chained Arthur to the nearest wall, then vanished into the shadows, leaving Gwen alone.
“Don’t you mind being chained up?” she said after a few minutes. Arthur considered this.
“Not really,” he said. “But I don’t like the bullwhip.”
“So what happened to Lancelot?” she said.
“Hell if I know,” said Arthur. “He started an argument with Merlin about whether or not him being chained upside down was ethical, and I haven’t seen him since.”
“But he’s still alive?” said Gwen.
Arthur shrugged. The chains jangled for quite some time. “Apparently,” he said, when the noise died down. Then he smiled, and pointed at something over her shoulder. “Look! A bat!”
“Oh?” said Gwen, turning round.
The bat was the size of a small dog, and it was flying right at her. She screamed. “Bat! Bat! Get it off get it off get it off!”
“It’s not even touching you, Gwen,” said Arthur. “Look, there it goes.” Gwen peeked out from behind her hands. The bat had indeed flown right past her, and was now hanging from the ceiling nearby. “Merlin swears it’s actually a vampire in disguise,” said Arthur. “But he’s clearly lying.”
Gwen looked nervously at the bat, which did not look back (it had its eyes shut, you see).
“Oh, there you are,” said a voice behind her. “Come to join the fun?”
Gwen swung around, face flushing. “My lady!” she said. “Of course I’m not here to - I mean, not that I don’t think - I mean, I’m sure you’re-”
“She’s here in her full capacity as a Heroic Rebel,” said Arthur.
“Shut up, you,” said Morgana. She turned back to Gwen. “It’s lovely to have you, Gwen. We don’t get many guests.”
“That might be because you’re… evil,” said Gwen.
“Evil,” said Arthur. “With a capital E. Don’t ever forget that.”
Morgana rolled her eyes. “Arthur, what have we told you about speaking when you’re spoken too?”
“Do it,” said Arthur. Morgana narrowed her eyes. “You told me not to speak when I’ve not been spoken to, though.”
“Anyway,” said Morgana. She turned to Gwen. “How’ve you been? Anything happening over in Heroic Rebel town?”
“It’s just a village, actually, and-” Gwen stopped short. Something was different about Morgana, and she’d just put her finger on what it was. “Are you wearing… eyeliner?” she said.
“No,” said Morgana, rather too quickly.
“She’s lying!” shouted a voice suddenly. “She so is!” Merlin emerged from a nearby doorway, clutching the end of a chain which stretched back into the passage behind him, taut and trembling. “I found him,” he said to Gwen, beaming. “I wasn’t sure I’d be able to. It’s a bit of a mess, you know.”
“No, I don’t know,” said Gwen. “And - Lancelot’s on the end of that chain? Merlin, let him go!”
“One moment,” said Merlin. He yanked on the chain, and a dazed-lookin Lancelot tumbled out behind him.
“Lancelot!” cried Gwen, running to his side. “Oh, you poor thing!”
“Gwen?” said Lancelot. “Is that you? What are you doing here?”
“What, we’re not allowed to have houseguests?” said Morgana.
“No,” said Arthur. “No, you are not.”
“Bullwhip!” snapped Morgana.
Gwen ignored both of them, and looked Lancelot up and down. He seemed to be mostly unhurt, but for a few fading marks on his back… but something was wrong. It was hard to tell what, given how little light there was in the dungeon, but -
“Where’s his chest hair?” she exclaimed.
“What now?” said Merlin.
Lancelot looked down at himself, then turned to glare at Merlin. “How could you?” he said. “You promised! ”
“Wow,” said Arthur, eying Lancelot’s now smooth chest. “You really are evil.”
“He insulting my skills of naming!” said Merlin. “He even said I shouldn’t call them my namey skills of naming!”
“That’s because it makes you sound ridiculous,” said Morgana, but she was ignored.
“Anyway, he deserved it,” said Merlin. He crossed his arms.
“Oh, poor Lancelot!” said Gwen, throwing her arms around him.
“Will you - still want me without it?” said Lancelot.
“I bet,” said Arthur, breaking off to laugh. “I bet you cut it off, then glued it to your own chest,” he said. “Didn’t you, Merlin? ”
“Of course not!” said Merlin, spinning round to face him. “Why would I do that?”
“To compensate,” said Arthur. “You hardly have any yourself, so you took Lancelot’s.”
“That’s not true!” said Merlin. “Shut up!” he hissed.
“You did! ” Arthur crowed, delighted. “I knew it!”
“Right,” said Merlin. “That is it. It’s bullwhip time, mister.”
“Oh, no,” said Arthur, eyes suddenly wide with horror. “Oh, no no no - not the bullwhip! I’ll shut up now! Promise!”
But Merlin had already grabbed hold of the end of his chain. “You’re coming with me!” he said. “Bullwhip! ”
“I hate you,” Arthur gasped out as he was dragged away.
“Morgana, show Gwen and Lancelot to the door,” Merlin called over his shoulder.
“Oh,” Arthur struggled to turn and face them. “Bye Gwen! Bye Lancelot! See you soon, maybe?”
“Good bye!” Lancelot called after him. "It was nice being chained to you all those times!" Gwen just stared.
“Cup of tea before you go?” said Morgana with a smile.
“So where were you?” Gwen said to Lancelot as they climbed the stairs out of the dungeons.
“I… don’t know,” said Lancelot.
“Well… what was it like?” said Gwen, lifting one of his chains so he wouldn’t trip.
“I think I saw… beans,” he said.
“…Beans.”
“Yes. Lots of beans.”