(no subject)
saturday was very sick, feverish. didn't sleep a lot friday night, sweating and shivering and showering and dressing and undressing. heating and reheating my lower back and trying to get out of pain.
in the morning told you and rose i might not come. 'seen'. went out to get panadol and soup and a thermometer and muesli bars.
advice for the day was 'who makes you happy?'. i tried to arrange answers that weren't you but it was harder. didn't illustrate it.
tricked myself into thinking i was better. committed to going. you and rose both replied. i napped for as long as i could before going to mws to get pork mince and prawns.
the smell and lights and noise and people were overwhelming. felt nauseous but went through. have a good day, the attendant said more than once.
ordered an uber. while i was waiting i threw up, bright orange in the gutter. apricot muesli bars and chicken noodle soup. cancelled my uber. shook on the footpath for a bit until i'd evacuated it all. then looked at the meat in the plastic bag, went to the other side of the store, and ordered another uber. felt less nauseous now at least. thought i would just drop off the meat and then go home again.
smell of the cab was strong too.
felt ill at rose's still, especially from the smell in the kitchen and the noise and the brightness. she was very sweet and suggested i see how i feel in half an hour, and made me a hot lemon and honey drink.
you turned up and called me to let you in. i did. in the corridor, you poked me like i think you do when you want to initiate touching. you brought wine and vodka and you suggested we drink together. i thought you wanted to get drunk and maybe, you know, shenanigans. but i was still feeling sick so i hovered between the kitchen and lounge. you gave me your coat and rose gave me a blanket and i tried to get warm for a while. i took some ibuprofen and had more hot lemon and honey (with vodka) and sat on rose's bed, shivering under a blanket and your coat, playing threes.
then as they were cooking and you were folding the dumplings the kitchen smelled better and i started feeling better. we all chatted and it was fine and we ate and i felt a lot better.
you sat in the front on the way to josh's. you clambered through the seats to the back after we picked up the plant. we swigged from the wine bottle.
josh's house is very nice. a comfortable suburban life.
we drank and talked. i laughed about mirrors, i listened and felt slow. there weren't that many people there.
christy asked you about fiona and i can't lie it made me sad and jealous that it would never be you and me hosting a party together building a comfortable life together being gentle to each other i can never be enough for this you are never going to love me like that you are never going to give that up and i need to give you up or i will never warm and comfortable like this i will always be sad and jealous guilty angry and unfulfilled alone in my head with ghosts
but when you brushed your hand against my leg on the way back i still lay my head on your shoulder and held your hand and closed my eyes and thought about as little as possible