fantastic beasts and the secrets of dumbledore
• Our focal character has now shifted from Newt to Dumbledore. Frankly, I approve. Jude Law's wheelhouse has always been self-loathing, repressed, posh boys; whereas Eddie Redmayne's gurn has long since worn thin. Ditto swapping out Depp for Mikkelsen.
• I've ragged on Rowling over the years for, among other things, the Dumbledore reveal being post-book (although considering the death threats she's gotten since for less controversial topics, I can retroactively see why she may have erred on the side of caution!) but I’ll say this, boom, first scene, flat out: 'I was in love with you.'
• The contrivance of why Dumbledore, head of half of Wizarding Britain, sits around with his thumb up his arse when it comes to defeating Nazi!Wald is fully established: they set up a magical pact in which neither one could move against the other until the finale of the fifth movie in the quintet. Perfectly understandable.
• This film is ridiculously dark, btw. Makes Game of Thrones look well lit.
To kill time while Redmayne midwifed the birth of twin deers, I counted the time until a woman had a line. 24 minutes, if anyone's interested.
• That line belongs to Queenie, who having joined the dark side (for the sake of love! Thereby meaning she can never see her fiancé, plus she's now part of the side who'd like to see him dead. But goddamnit, we need SOMETHING to happen in this movie, and we've temporarily lost Zoe Kravitz, plus the only actress in the world who makes her look talented - Katherine Waterson.) now has to wear a ridiculous wig.
* Queenie reassures Credence, who's clad in an equally awful Snape-esque wig.
(The UK Guardian recently had to retract, after they commented that Miller and Depp's 'alleged violence' was 'small beer' next to Rowling's 'gender critical feminism'. They also forgot the actor playing Abernathy, who's now in jail for rape.)
It turns out Credence is dying, faster than Ezra Miller's career. (Anyone else catch the abysmal The Stand miniseries?)
• The baddies reveal a convoluted plot in which one of the twin deer, a Quilin, was adopted by Newt, while the other was murdered and then reanimated by Grindelwald in an elaborate plan to gain political office.
• Meanwhile, we meet Newt's basic brother Theseus (Finn from Glee lookalike) as well as Aberforth Dumbledore. (I'm always sort of fascinated as to why Dumbledore has a very British accent, despite originally being played by two Irish actors; while Aberforth who grew up with him, has now been played by two actors who use a strong Irish accent. Look, it was hard to make out anything in the shadows, and the film was 2hrs 23, I made my own fun!)
• Since Aberforth has been previously established as dragging Dumbledore and actually making fair points about his moral failings; his character is now rebooted as a deadbeat dad, of aforementioned Credence/Aurelius.
Craurelius sends his pop creepy, self-pitying Tumblr posts which reveal onto nearby mirrors: 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE?' and 'CAN I COME HOME?'
• Dumbledore rather creepily reminds his pals: 'You’ll have to trust me even when every instinct tells you not to.'
• Grindelwald, in the archetypal villain mode, rather than assign one of his capable underlings; would rather the obviously inept Credence kill Dumbledore as 'his pain is his' (useless) 'power.'
• Jacob is visited by a dream!Queenie, who comments that his bakery is like a ghost town. Probably because it's like 9pm.
He's interrupted by Eulalie Hicks, a charms professor doing a bizarre Katherine Hepburn imitation. Lally sets up a pose of being harassed to see if Jacob would endanger himself for a stranger.
Frankly at this stage, Dan Fogel is carrying this whole franchise atop his mighty hump, and this is probably the only time in the Potterverse where they've made a big deal over a man's goodness and I bought it; maybe because they showed rather than told, or because Jacob is actually outnumbered and helpless next to wizards; rather than going 'Oh, Harry, you have to build up to torture people, you only start fights two-to-one, and you treat your slaves so well; you have a unique power of love!'
• Jacob is given a wand. (Not sure why - isn't this like giving a fish a bicycle? Or is it more camouflage, like a watergun to wave off attackers? Seems like that'd put him in more danger, but...)
• Dumbledore's gang gather (Newt; the poor woman cast with the scintillating role of the 'plain' Bunty hopelessly lusting after Newt - Meryl Streep herself couldn't pull that one off! - Theseus; Jacob; Lally, and Yusuf Kama, Leta Lestrange's forgettable half-brother.) Unfortunately Tina's not available. We will all miss her magnetic, charismatic presence.
We learn that Grindelwald can see snatches of the future (but apparently also needs Queenie as an additional mind reader - now, that's just greedy!) and so Dumbledore explains that their best tactic is to confuse him (aka the audience.)
• Dumbledore sends them off to Germany, to deliver his catchphrase ('you must choose what is right, not what's easy') to the German MoM.
However, Vogel, said MoM, announces that the International Confederation of Wizards (this plot is getting almost as sexy as a Star Wars prequel about trading federations!) have decided there's not enough evidence to convict Grindelwald; to Dumbledore's distaste.
(Am I missing something? Is Vogel supposed to be lying about what the ICW decided? 'Cause that seems like a lie that would get pretty swiftly found out.
Or is he telling the truth, and Dumbledore was just hoping to get him to personally overrule the law? - Shades of the future for Albus!
Not that it matters since Vogel is just a moustache twirling Nazi expy, but it is a bizarre choice. I'd have made it, like, him taking the deciding vote to free Grindel, or something.)
• We're introduced to our two candidates for president of 'our magical world!' (iirc, it's Supreme Mugwump, and they avoid saying it onscreen for reasons of extreme silliness): a British-Chinese dude or a Brazilian woman.
However, Vogel is then like 'Look, it would be undemocratic if we didn't also put this guy who stokes hatred and violence wherever he goes on the ballot.' (An idea just stupid enough to be realistic, unfortunately.) The WW being compromised mainly of Our!Fascists and Bad!Fascists, they need no crazy voting or local elections or anything loopy like that. Grindel is in the race!
• A riot breaks out then and there (someone throws a cup at Jacob's head. Dumbledore is sickened, until he realises that to the right Muggles, that could be a pretty solid prank!)
European, ticked that Theseus is working outside his jurisdiction (don't they know as a Brit, the planet is our jurisdiction?!) take him off to their own secret prison, Erkstag, with a Manticore as guard.
There's 'comedy' hip wiggling, as Newt and a bunch of Crab People bust him out.
Theseus has been hanging upside down for hours, which you'd think would kill him, but I guess wizards are made of stronger stuff. (Not witches, though, they don't even seem to want to survive childbirth.)
Newt explains this is a method of 'discouraging violent engagement', and luckily Dumbles isn't around to overhear such blatant Hufflepuff talk. God, the Trio wouldn't have left until at least nine Unforgiveables had been performed apiece.
• The tiniest of red herrings are vaguely hinted at when Bunty takes Newt's carrying case and gets it replicated; while Leta's brother, Yusuf approaches Grindelwald to join him, and is relieved of her memory.
(This is never really come back to, either. Like the plot ends just how you'd expect it, and he was Working With Us All Along; but the fact that all his memories of his sister have suddenly disappeared forever is just...meh. Not an issue.)
• Queenie, there to perform Grindelwald's emotional labour and fuss over the nearest male (in this case Credence), exchanges like, a word with Rosier. Tiny femslash crumbs for the starving! (As is Tina and Lally's handholding.)
• Jacob, seeing her, is through wild contrivance mistaken for an assassin, while Grindelwald's would-be assassination of the Lady Candidate is foiled (what even is the point? You already have your elaborate plan with the Quilin morality pet! You don't think a three person race narrowing to two a day after you join the election might give the game away a smidge?)
• Dumbledore invites everyone to the Hog's Head so he can passive-aggressively needle his brother while embarrassing his friends. He tells Newt that while Credence 'can't be saved', he may yet be 'able to save us' (there's the Albus I'm used to! Never lets someone's painful abuse get in the way of an opportunity for advancement!)
They discuss Ariana, and Newt tactlessly says she was probably better off dead, as she was 'saved pain', while Dumbledore ticks him off, telling him his 'honesty is a gift, even if at times a painful one', an Informed Attribute if ever I heard one. I don't recall Newt in three movies saying anything particularly honest, painful or not.
Dumbledore reveals Aberforth is Credence's deadbeat dad, but that it's his fault, as if he'd been a better brother, Aberforth would have confided in him.
(Ah, the Harry trick, where they feel guilty over something patently not their responsibility, so the other person can go 'Oh, Albus/Harry, the weight of the world on your heroic shoulders!', but then ignore issues where they're massively culpable with ease.)
• The election is in Bhutan, and in the 'most important part of our beloved ceremony that we just introduced this year', the Quilin will decide the winner.
• Queenie suddenly apologises for her heel turn into bad characterisation, and she and Jacob work hard to bring adult emotion onscreen.
• Jacob is tortured by Mads!Wald, while Queenie helplessly begs 'Make him stop!'
Would!Be Lady Prez does - although once you know someone can stop someone else's Cruciatus, it just raises more questions. (Also seems like she waited kind of a while, tbh.)
• Credence and his stupid surfer accent dramatically fall, General Hospital style, to the ground in front of Grindelwald, announcing the Quilin replacement ploy.
• Aberforth in an unflattering hat that makes him resemble Steve Pemberton, steps forward. Albus, ever the showman, is like '…wait, I sense drama.'
• The fake Quilin dies, with a note perfect sense of timing, right there and then.
The real Quilin has been preserved by Bunty (in what looks like a Buddhist nun habit - I expect 12 pieces on the MarySue about this classic White Feminism asap.)
It bows to Dumbledore, ugh, who, double ugh, humbly begs it to consider if anyone else could possibly be as worthy as him. It decides Lady Prez will do, as she and Male Nominee have strong platforms like not being Wizard!Hitler. Hooray!
• Grindelwald decides to mercy kill Credence before he makes another DC movie, but when Dumbledore protects Credence, their wand lights meet in the middle. They meet in a weird soundstage where Grindelwald, ala Mike Dexter, asks Dumbles 'Who will love you now? You're all alone!' and then climbs in his own personal bubble and floats away, like the Lorax by the seat of his pants.
• Aberforth and Credence make 'Always' their thing, as Aberforth admits he 'thought' of his abandoned son (woop-de-doo!) and he takes Credence home to parent him until his inevitable offscreen death in between movies.
• Albus explains that the Unbreakable Curse between him and Grindel is over: 'Let’s call it fate, or else how else will we fulfil our destinies?'
Theseus is like: 'Speaking of the next interminable sequel, promise you’ll find him and stop him?'
Then Queenie and Jacob get married, while Dumbledore sits outside, alone, in the snow. Ha!
• I've ragged on Rowling over the years for, among other things, the Dumbledore reveal being post-book (although considering the death threats she's gotten since for less controversial topics, I can retroactively see why she may have erred on the side of caution!) but I’ll say this, boom, first scene, flat out: 'I was in love with you.'
• The contrivance of why Dumbledore, head of half of Wizarding Britain, sits around with his thumb up his arse when it comes to defeating Nazi!Wald is fully established: they set up a magical pact in which neither one could move against the other until the finale of the fifth movie in the quintet. Perfectly understandable.
• This film is ridiculously dark, btw. Makes Game of Thrones look well lit.
To kill time while Redmayne midwifed the birth of twin deers, I counted the time until a woman had a line. 24 minutes, if anyone's interested.
• That line belongs to Queenie, who having joined the dark side (for the sake of love! Thereby meaning she can never see her fiancé, plus she's now part of the side who'd like to see him dead. But goddamnit, we need SOMETHING to happen in this movie, and we've temporarily lost Zoe Kravitz, plus the only actress in the world who makes her look talented - Katherine Waterson.) now has to wear a ridiculous wig.
* Queenie reassures Credence, who's clad in an equally awful Snape-esque wig.
(The UK Guardian recently had to retract, after they commented that Miller and Depp's 'alleged violence' was 'small beer' next to Rowling's 'gender critical feminism'. They also forgot the actor playing Abernathy, who's now in jail for rape.)
It turns out Credence is dying, faster than Ezra Miller's career. (Anyone else catch the abysmal The Stand miniseries?)
• The baddies reveal a convoluted plot in which one of the twin deer, a Quilin, was adopted by Newt, while the other was murdered and then reanimated by Grindelwald in an elaborate plan to gain political office.
• Meanwhile, we meet Newt's basic brother Theseus (Finn from Glee lookalike) as well as Aberforth Dumbledore. (I'm always sort of fascinated as to why Dumbledore has a very British accent, despite originally being played by two Irish actors; while Aberforth who grew up with him, has now been played by two actors who use a strong Irish accent. Look, it was hard to make out anything in the shadows, and the film was 2hrs 23, I made my own fun!)
• Since Aberforth has been previously established as dragging Dumbledore and actually making fair points about his moral failings; his character is now rebooted as a deadbeat dad, of aforementioned Credence/Aurelius.
Craurelius sends his pop creepy, self-pitying Tumblr posts which reveal onto nearby mirrors: 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE?' and 'CAN I COME HOME?'
• Dumbledore rather creepily reminds his pals: 'You’ll have to trust me even when every instinct tells you not to.'
• Grindelwald, in the archetypal villain mode, rather than assign one of his capable underlings; would rather the obviously inept Credence kill Dumbledore as 'his pain is his' (useless) 'power.'
• Jacob is visited by a dream!Queenie, who comments that his bakery is like a ghost town. Probably because it's like 9pm.
He's interrupted by Eulalie Hicks, a charms professor doing a bizarre Katherine Hepburn imitation. Lally sets up a pose of being harassed to see if Jacob would endanger himself for a stranger.
Frankly at this stage, Dan Fogel is carrying this whole franchise atop his mighty hump, and this is probably the only time in the Potterverse where they've made a big deal over a man's goodness and I bought it; maybe because they showed rather than told, or because Jacob is actually outnumbered and helpless next to wizards; rather than going 'Oh, Harry, you have to build up to torture people, you only start fights two-to-one, and you treat your slaves so well; you have a unique power of love!'
• Jacob is given a wand. (Not sure why - isn't this like giving a fish a bicycle? Or is it more camouflage, like a watergun to wave off attackers? Seems like that'd put him in more danger, but...)
• Dumbledore's gang gather (Newt; the poor woman cast with the scintillating role of the 'plain' Bunty hopelessly lusting after Newt - Meryl Streep herself couldn't pull that one off! - Theseus; Jacob; Lally, and Yusuf Kama, Leta Lestrange's forgettable half-brother.) Unfortunately Tina's not available. We will all miss her magnetic, charismatic presence.
We learn that Grindelwald can see snatches of the future (but apparently also needs Queenie as an additional mind reader - now, that's just greedy!) and so Dumbledore explains that their best tactic is to confuse him (aka the audience.)
• Dumbledore sends them off to Germany, to deliver his catchphrase ('you must choose what is right, not what's easy') to the German MoM.
However, Vogel, said MoM, announces that the International Confederation of Wizards (this plot is getting almost as sexy as a Star Wars prequel about trading federations!) have decided there's not enough evidence to convict Grindelwald; to Dumbledore's distaste.
(Am I missing something? Is Vogel supposed to be lying about what the ICW decided? 'Cause that seems like a lie that would get pretty swiftly found out.
Or is he telling the truth, and Dumbledore was just hoping to get him to personally overrule the law? - Shades of the future for Albus!
Not that it matters since Vogel is just a moustache twirling Nazi expy, but it is a bizarre choice. I'd have made it, like, him taking the deciding vote to free Grindel, or something.)
• We're introduced to our two candidates for president of 'our magical world!' (iirc, it's Supreme Mugwump, and they avoid saying it onscreen for reasons of extreme silliness): a British-Chinese dude or a Brazilian woman.
However, Vogel is then like 'Look, it would be undemocratic if we didn't also put this guy who stokes hatred and violence wherever he goes on the ballot.' (An idea just stupid enough to be realistic, unfortunately.) The WW being compromised mainly of Our!Fascists and Bad!Fascists, they need no crazy voting or local elections or anything loopy like that. Grindel is in the race!
• A riot breaks out then and there (someone throws a cup at Jacob's head. Dumbledore is sickened, until he realises that to the right Muggles, that could be a pretty solid prank!)
European, ticked that Theseus is working outside his jurisdiction (don't they know as a Brit, the planet is our jurisdiction?!) take him off to their own secret prison, Erkstag, with a Manticore as guard.
There's 'comedy' hip wiggling, as Newt and a bunch of Crab People bust him out.
Theseus has been hanging upside down for hours, which you'd think would kill him, but I guess wizards are made of stronger stuff. (Not witches, though, they don't even seem to want to survive childbirth.)
Newt explains this is a method of 'discouraging violent engagement', and luckily Dumbles isn't around to overhear such blatant Hufflepuff talk. God, the Trio wouldn't have left until at least nine Unforgiveables had been performed apiece.
• The tiniest of red herrings are vaguely hinted at when Bunty takes Newt's carrying case and gets it replicated; while Leta's brother, Yusuf approaches Grindelwald to join him, and is relieved of her memory.
(This is never really come back to, either. Like the plot ends just how you'd expect it, and he was Working With Us All Along; but the fact that all his memories of his sister have suddenly disappeared forever is just...meh. Not an issue.)
• Queenie, there to perform Grindelwald's emotional labour and fuss over the nearest male (in this case Credence), exchanges like, a word with Rosier. Tiny femslash crumbs for the starving! (As is Tina and Lally's handholding.)
• Jacob, seeing her, is through wild contrivance mistaken for an assassin, while Grindelwald's would-be assassination of the Lady Candidate is foiled (what even is the point? You already have your elaborate plan with the Quilin morality pet! You don't think a three person race narrowing to two a day after you join the election might give the game away a smidge?)
• Dumbledore invites everyone to the Hog's Head so he can passive-aggressively needle his brother while embarrassing his friends. He tells Newt that while Credence 'can't be saved', he may yet be 'able to save us' (there's the Albus I'm used to! Never lets someone's painful abuse get in the way of an opportunity for advancement!)
They discuss Ariana, and Newt tactlessly says she was probably better off dead, as she was 'saved pain', while Dumbledore ticks him off, telling him his 'honesty is a gift, even if at times a painful one', an Informed Attribute if ever I heard one. I don't recall Newt in three movies saying anything particularly honest, painful or not.
Dumbledore reveals Aberforth is Credence's deadbeat dad, but that it's his fault, as if he'd been a better brother, Aberforth would have confided in him.
(Ah, the Harry trick, where they feel guilty over something patently not their responsibility, so the other person can go 'Oh, Albus/Harry, the weight of the world on your heroic shoulders!', but then ignore issues where they're massively culpable with ease.)
• The election is in Bhutan, and in the 'most important part of our beloved ceremony that we just introduced this year', the Quilin will decide the winner.
• Queenie suddenly apologises for her heel turn into bad characterisation, and she and Jacob work hard to bring adult emotion onscreen.
• Jacob is tortured by Mads!Wald, while Queenie helplessly begs 'Make him stop!'
Would!Be Lady Prez does - although once you know someone can stop someone else's Cruciatus, it just raises more questions. (Also seems like she waited kind of a while, tbh.)
• Credence and his stupid surfer accent dramatically fall, General Hospital style, to the ground in front of Grindelwald, announcing the Quilin replacement ploy.
• Aberforth in an unflattering hat that makes him resemble Steve Pemberton, steps forward. Albus, ever the showman, is like '…wait, I sense drama.'
• The fake Quilin dies, with a note perfect sense of timing, right there and then.
The real Quilin has been preserved by Bunty (in what looks like a Buddhist nun habit - I expect 12 pieces on the MarySue about this classic White Feminism asap.)
It bows to Dumbledore, ugh, who, double ugh, humbly begs it to consider if anyone else could possibly be as worthy as him. It decides Lady Prez will do, as she and Male Nominee have strong platforms like not being Wizard!Hitler. Hooray!
• Grindelwald decides to mercy kill Credence before he makes another DC movie, but when Dumbledore protects Credence, their wand lights meet in the middle. They meet in a weird soundstage where Grindelwald, ala Mike Dexter, asks Dumbles 'Who will love you now? You're all alone!' and then climbs in his own personal bubble and floats away, like the Lorax by the seat of his pants.
Click to view• Aberforth and Credence make 'Always' their thing, as Aberforth admits he 'thought' of his abandoned son (woop-de-doo!) and he takes Credence home to parent him until his inevitable offscreen death in between movies.
• Albus explains that the Unbreakable Curse between him and Grindel is over: 'Let’s call it fate, or else how else will we fulfil our destinies?'
Theseus is like: 'Speaking of the next interminable sequel, promise you’ll find him and stop him?'
Then Queenie and Jacob get married, while Dumbledore sits outside, alone, in the snow. Ha!