DCBB: Trinity - Once Upon a Time
Trinity
“Love is made up of three unconditional properties in equal measure:
1. Acceptance
2. Understanding
3. Appreciation
Remove any one of the three and the triangle falls apart.
Which, by the way, is something highly inadvisable. Think about it - do you really want to live in a world of only two dimensions?
So, for the love of a triangle, please keep love whole.”
(Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration)
Once Upon a Time…
The silence was deafening.
There were no voices, no one screaming at him, taunting him and he knew he should feel relief but he was petrified.
Terror was the only thing that he could feel. It was the only thing he'd known for so long. He didn’t know how long he’d been there, locked away with nothing but pain and suffering, alone and afraid. All he wanted was for it to end but he never believed it would. His fear and pain were only equaled by his hate. He hated all of them for what they had done to him. He was alone. He was forgotten.
“I hadn’t forgotten,” a voice spoke from deep within the surrounding darkness.
He flinched.
Immediately, he thought the others had returned but this voice was different.
“Oh, don’t fret. I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to make a deal.”
Slowly, he moved his arms from over his head and blinked up at the person speaking. The man stood there, dressed in black and blending in with the surrounding emptiness. The man didn’t look frightening but he exuded power and if he knew anything he knew that powerful people caused the most pain.
There was nothing but darkness and though he could see the man he could see no source of light. He could feel the solid ground below him and the walls around him as he pushed his body further into a corner, trying to hide, but he could not see the walls. His throat clicked dryly as he tried to form words. With much effort he whispered, “How?”
One word and yet the man seemed to know exactly what he meant.
With a broad, twisting smile, the man said, “They forgot you down here, didn’t they? Such good souls they are…not. See, I have small friends in low places that owe me a bit of…well, everything. I just had one nip in and pluck you out before anyone else noticed.”
A low rumbling growl echoed off in the distance. It grew louder, deafening, causing him to cringe in on himself until he felt his ears would burst from the sound. He clasped his hands over his head, trying in vain to block the sound out as it reverberated within his skull. When he felt he couldn't take anymore it finally faded away into the blackness.
The man shrugged, seemingly unperturbed by the roar. He said, “Guess they did notice.”
Slowly lowering his arms to curl them close to his chest, he croaked, “They'll find me.”
The man smiled again. It wasn’t a reassuring smile. It was predatory and knowing and he wanted to look away from it. He found he couldn’t, though. He needed to see this man. He needed to hear what he had to offer. Anything was better than going back.
“They won’t find you. They can’t. Not unless I put you back and I don’t plan on doing that unless you turn down my little proposition.” He looked down at one hand, admiring his nails before tucking it behind his back. “See, I’m working on a little…endeavor. My world is a bit crowded right now and I’d like very much to expand my domain. There are already a few factors that still need to be addressed but those are the easy pieces to move on the chess board. You, my little pawn, are the most difficult piece to maneuver. The others have already done their time in their respective locations. You have two more tasks. They won’t be easy but if you agree I promise you I will make it all worth your trouble.”
He didn’t understand any of that. It didn’t make sense but he realized suddenly that as long as he wasn’t in pain it didn’t matter. “What tasks?”
The man seemed to puff up. “That’s the best part. The first one is so easy. You’ve already suffered and unlike some of my former associates, I don’t believe in breaking a soul just to get what I want. There are other ways. Revenge, for instance.”
He was even more confused. It felt like the man was talking in circles and he couldn’t follow his train of thought. That was probably on purpose but he couldn’t keep up. He tried again to make sense of things. “Revenge?”
“Oh, you know you just want to reach out and bite them. The ones that left you here are now living all happy families while you suffer daily torture. They never cared. They never once thought of you; thought to save you. They let you rot. So, what I say is we turn you into something that they hate. Something they fear. After I get what I want then you can do what you wish with them. It won’t matter. All you have to do is say yes.”
He thought about this. If what the man was saying was true and made any sense then he would be able to strike out against them. Hurt them the way they hurt him. Make them suffer the way he himself had suffered. “What do I need to do?”
The smile that curled the man’s lips made him want to scream. He had a feeling, only a slight blip of a feeling, that he had made a mistake. The man came in closer and knelt down before him. He reached a burning hot hand down to take his face and tilt it up towards him. “I will turn you into one of my little children and you will help me get what I want. When I rule over Hell, Heaven and Earth then you will be free to destroy the Winchesters and their bloody angel. Do we have a deal?”
The images and faces of the family that put him here raced through his mind. This was what he wanted. Revenge for the pain and revenge for the abandonment. Family meant nothing. All that mattered was revenge. He focused his eyes on the man before him and whispered, “Yes.”
The last thing he remembered was a kiss and then he knew no more.
~*~
The first thing he felt when he came to consciousness was that he was wet. Not soaking wet but the dewy kind of wet that clung to your skin and clothes after spending the night outdoors. He was also very cold. That could be because of the dampness but it probably had more to do with the fact that he was naked.
He swallowed dryly and cracked open an eye.
Above him was a canopy of stars and below his reaching fingers was thick wet grass. Why am I naked in a field? he thought. Honestly, he had no idea and he couldn’t bring himself to move so he could find out. His head was spinning and he gripped the grass tightly like a drunk afraid of falling off the Earth. He moaned as his stomach rolled and he just knew he was going to puke at any second.
There was a moaning sound that came from beside him and he couldn’t get his mind to begin to fathom who it could be. It was familiar but his brain wouldn’t allow him to remember. He tried to think but only came to the realization that he didn’t even remember his own name.
Below his fingers the ground began to tremble and in the distance he could hear the sound of a low rumbling. Again, there was a familiarity but no actual memory to support it. He reached out with his hand as the moan next to him grew and a hand tightly clasped onto his and held on. Both the rumbling and the trembling stopped and he could feel the thudding of something. Whatever it was it was running towards him and he felt a rush of fear.
“Dean?” a voice called and before he could assess whether it was his name or the name of his mystery moaner, the voice cried out, “GUYS! THEY’RE OVER HERE! BRING BLANKETS!!!”
It’s a woman. He should feel uncomfortable at being so exposed but he was too busy trying to think of why her voice sounded so familiar and reassuring.
“Is it Dean?” a deeper, male voice called and he could feel the heavy footsteps that went along with it. Another set, lighter, tromped along with the heavier ones. He opened his eyes again, not even remembering that he’d shut them. “Dean?” the deep voice asked again before he felt something hitting the ground next to his head. He looked up at the source of the voice. A pinched face and soft eyes knelt over him and looked down at him in concern. He could feel something covering his body. He wanted to touch it, to feel its softness, but he was afraid of letting go of the grass and the hand. They seemed to be anchoring him to this awareness and he was afraid if he let go it would all disappear. He worked his mouth but he couldn’t seem to make a sound. The other moaning sounded again and the man hovering over him looked up. “Cas?”
Cas, he remembered that name. That name meant something to him.
“Jody is he…?” the man asked. He could feel one of the people moving around him but he couldn’t take his eyes off the man that leaned over him, touching his face, pushing against his throat and being a freakin’ girl.
“He’s okay, I think,” the woman, Jody, said. For some reason he felt a rush of relief at those words. He wanted to turn his head to see but his body wouldn’t respond. The man kept touching him. He was pulling at his eyelids, shining a light into his eyes and just completely pissing him off.
With an enormous amount of energy, he released the grass and swung his arm up and around in a circle and with a voice like gravel he cried, “- the fuck off, Sammy!”
“Dean!” Sam cried and pulled Dean into a tight hug. Dean struggled against him, weakly. “I’ve got you, Dean. You’re safe. You’re home.”
Home?
Dean stopped fighting, exhaustion and confusion kicked in. He was home. Cas was alive and he was home. He turned his head to look Sam in the eyes. He could feel the words bubble up from inside of him. They were words that he didn’t really want to say because he had a feeling he really didn’t want to know the answer. His voice came out in a rough whistle as he asked, “Where was I?”
~*~
He remembered the third person, Tamara, coming over to stare at him with mounting concern. Why was everyone so worried? Granted, he was naked and he was lying in a field with Cas and he couldn’t remember how he had gotten there or where he’d been before that but really, did that give people a free pass to stare like he was a reptile in a zoo? Tamara and Sam exchanged worried looks and Dean only glared. They weren’t going to tell him anything and he was too weak to fight.
He allowed them to carry him to the Impala. His baby. She was the rumbling he had heard and his heart literally skipped a beat at seeing her. He hadn’t been too keen on them separating him from Cas, though. He couldn’t see the angel and it worried him that Castiel hadn’t spoken a word. Once settled into the Impala, nestled up between Castiel and Jody, Dean relaxed and he must have fallen asleep because he woke up in a warm bed, wearing soft pajamas and feeling clean. His arm hurt. That was odd because he couldn’t remember hurting it but it was bandaged so Sam must have taken care of it.
Next to him, still unconscious, lay Castiel. The bed was only just big enough for the pair and Dean squirmed slightly at their closeness. It didn't bother him to be lying this close to Castiel but he thought it should. Perhaps he was just too exhausted to care. Though, it was nice when he realized that he could fully move on his own again. That was a blessing. He just didn’t want to move. It was warm and he was dry and Cas was breathing steadily in a way that calmed Dean.
From the other room he could hear voices. Sam, Jody and Tamara were trying to talk quietly but the cabin -he recognized it as the one they’d used with Bobby- had walls like rice paper.
“I don’t know why he doesn’t remember. Perhaps it’s a side-effect of where they were. I wish I actually knew what had happened to him,” Sam said.
Great! Not even Sam knew where they’d been.
“I’m more concerned about the angel. I know you said he wasn’t right in the head before he and Dean disappeared. I don’t know why he hasn’t woken up yet. He’s not responsive to anything. At least Dean flinched when we cut his arm with the silver blade,” that was Tamara. That also explained the bandage on his arm.
“I just wish I knew where those boys were. I mean, were they naked the whole time or did we catch them during-”
“Jody,” Sam groaned, cutting her off.
“What? I was going to say a bath,” said Jody, and Dean could hear a touch of amusement to her voice.
That pissed him off but it was when Sam and Tamara chuckled that he growled.
“Shhhh, Dean. We’re safe,” Castiel whispered in his gravelly baritone and pulled him close.
Dean’s eyes went large like dinner plates at the action and he pushed himself away from Cas. Castiel finally opened his eyes and blinked at him with those impossibly blue orbs. Even with half his head buried in a pillow, Cas was still able to cock his head questioningly. “Dean?” he asked, blinking owlishly.
Dean twisted in the blankets and fell on his knees onto the floor. The sound of it brought the three from the other room rushing in. “Dean? Are you all right?” Sam asked, coming over to help his brother.
Pushing Sam away, Dean scrambled back against the bed, refusing to look up at Castiel. “Will someone tell me what the Hell is going on? You guys are whispering like girls and Cas is all touchy-feely under the covers and I want answers.”
“First, two of us are girls,” Tamara replied, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at Dean. “Second, we don’t know. You disappeared a year ago and your brother has spent all that time trying to find you.”
Dean looked up at Sam. “Really? A year?”
Sam nodded and gave him a lopsided smile.
Jody crossed the room to check on Castiel. She sat on the edge of the bed as Castiel turned to lay on his back to look at her. “You gave us a scare,” she said to the angel.
“I’m sorry,” Castiel replied, looking penitent. “I knew we were safe. I was not injured so I felt no need to fuss.”
She smoothed a hand through his hair and smiled at him. “Just don’t do it again, okay? We needed to know you were all right.” She leaned in closer and looked deeply into his eyes. “You are all right?”
Dean saw the edges of Castiel’s mouth turn up slightly. If you didn't know the angel you wouldn't even recognize the twitch as a form of amusement. “If you mean mentally, then yes. Purgatory must have fixed my psychosis. At least there is that.”
The exchange between Jody and Castiel caused a curl of something Dean didn’t want to label wrap around his heart and squeeze. He didn’t like the way they were looking at one another even if it was more awe in Jody and interest in Cas. However, all those thoughts were cut off when another hit him. He turned his body to look over the edge of the bed, instantly regretting it when Castiel's eyes met his.
“Purgatory?” he questioned, loudly. “We were in freakin’ Purgatory? You mean like, monster afterlife Purgatory?”
Castiel held his gaze for a moment before replying, “Yes, Dean. When Dick Roman died, we were pulled with him into Purgatory. You don’t remember this?”
Dean turned and collapsed against the bed and thought. He remembered Dick Roman, the Leviathan. He remembered Cas helping him, defending him and throwing himself in front of Dean to protect him from the monster. He remembered the monster exploding and then he remembered…
“You left me,” Dean said and it came out in a rough whisper. He closed his eyes and rubbed his hand against his face. He could feel Castiel shift on the bed and the air in the room seemed to grow thick and heavy.
Jody looked at the pair and slowly stood. She touched Sam’s arm as she passed and motioned for him and Tamara to follow. She didn’t think they needed to be here for this conversation. Sam looked like he was about to argue but she shot him a warning look and he sighed before leaving. She shut the door to the room to give the boys their privacy.
Castiel sat up and leaned his elbows on his knees, rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Dean, we went over this when you found me. I did it to protect you.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that you did it. Last I checked I was a big boy and could even tie my own shoes. Bet I could even make a choice like, I dunno, staying with my friend to help him survive. Did it ever occur to you to think that the two of us are stronger together then apart?” Dean ground out.
Castiel looked down at him and said in a weary voice, “We discussed this as well.”
Dean blinked. “Oh.” He hadn’t remembered that. Actually, as the memories trickled in, he found he couldn’t remember much beyond his killing spree to find Cas and befriending Benny.
“Benny didn’t make it, did he?” Dean asked.
“I don’t know,” Cas replied. “We never made it to the portal he knew of. Whatever spell your brother used to pull us out didn’t know to grab Benny.” Dean couldn’t tell if Castiel sounded relieved or saddened.
No, he thought, Sam wouldn’t have known about Benny. Damn. He had promised the vampire he would get him out. Now, on top of barely remembering him, he felt guilt.
They sat there in mutual silence for what felt like forever before Castiel’s deep voice whispered, “You really don’t remember everything?” Dean glanced up at him. He could see a glimmer of something in Castiel's eyes but he couldn’t imagine what it could be.
“Nope,” he said and the glimmer faded. “I’m…sorry?”
Castiel held his gaze. It should bother him that he and Cas have such staring sessions, wordless and yet full of meaning, but it didn’t. It was calming. It was part of them and it grounded Dean in ways he couldn’t explain. However, when Cas sighed and turned away, Dean felt like he had just blown something important. He kept looking, hoping to find what it was that Cas wanted him to acknowledge. He found himself drawn to Castiel’s beard and lifted a hand to touch it.
“Nice peach-fuzz,” he said and Castiel turned back to look at him, grabbing his wrist before he could pull away.
“You said that there too,” said Castiel, sadly.
They stared again. Dean wanted to remember because it was obvious that Cas needed him to remember. He opened his mouth and whispered, “Tell me.”
Castiel only gave a minute shake of his head. “I can’t, Dean. You need to remember on your own.”
His large blue eyes only grew sadder as he slowly removed Dean’s hand from his face.
A knock on the door pulled both of their attentions and Sam’s head popped in. “There’s food if you’re hungry,” he said.
Dean’s stomach growled loudly as if the mere mention of food was enough to remind him to eat. Then the scent of bacon drifted in past Sam and he felt a smile take over his face as he looked at his brother. Thoughts of what Castiel wanted from him were pushed to the back of his mind. Food first, touchy-feely thoughts later.
~*~
Breakfast was wonderful. Jody had made everything from oatmeal -which Dean steadily ignored- to eggs and bacon and biscuits and gravy. Dean ate until he thought he’d burst. Even Castiel ate. Well, he tried things. He still didn’t need to eat but Jody was so encouraging that he tasted everything she put on his plate. He liked the fried eggs and the sausage gravy but had very little interest in the biscuits or the oatmeal. He did enjoy some of the fruits she had put out as well and of course, he loved the bacon. Though, when Dean’s plate was empty and no one looked to be paying attention, he would shift his bacon to Dean, earning him a large grin from the older Winchester brother. Dean would reciprocate by piling more fruit onto Cas’ plate.
Sam noticed, though. He kept a mental note of all the exchanged looks, touches, and just general care. It wasn’t totally out of the ordinary. Dean and Castiel had always taken care of one another. This was just a slight bit different. This was…more. He couldn’t explain it. It was the same jokes, the same looks, the same stupid put-downs and teasing but, underneath it all, something was different.
Or perhaps he just really missed his brother and his brother-in-arms.
No one discussed anything important during breakfast. They just wanted to enjoy their time back together for a bit before the questions began again.
Tamara and Sam cleared the table while Dean and Jody sipped their coffee and Castiel looked around the cabin as if seeing it for the first time. Well, it was the first time sane. Dean watched him with a soft look of amusement on his face and Jody just smiled at the two of them like an indulgent mother.
Dean turned to watch his brother. A year. He just couldn’t believe it had been a year since he had last seen Sammy. Even though he couldn’t remember most of it; the idea of not seeing the moose for that long was heart-wrenching. Had he been hunting all this time, alone? Had he gotten hurt and Dean wasn’t there to help him? What if he had gotten killed while Dean was stuck in Purgatory? And that still messed with his brain. He and Cas had been sent to Purgatory and now they were home. His nine lives were quickly running out.
He took a sip of his coffee and smirked at the way Sam and Tamara blew soap bubbles at each other while they washed the dishes, bumping elbows and generally acting like kids. “Those two seem to get along,” he commented, nodding toward his brother and the other hunter.
Jody gave him another one of her enigmatic smiles. “Tamara has been a lifesaver. Not sure how long she and Sam have been working together but they seem to keep each other in line.” Her smile grew brighter as the two in the kitchen began to poke at one another and soon Sam was getting hit on the ass with a dish towel.
"At least Sammy wasn’t alone," sighed Dean. It still bothered Dean that he wasn't able to be with his brother, but he could at least allow some of the tension within him to unravel knowing Sam had had help. “I didn’t know Tamara had kept hunting. Her husband was killed on a case we were all working a few years back. Glad to see she’s doing good.”
Jody glanced at Dean with a puzzled expression before it cleared and she just shook her head. “Well, they contacted me a few months ago with an idea to get you boys home. Some sort of locating and retrieval spell using personal effects and stuff. All real archaic. All they needed me for was to keep the area clear and help you guys once we got to you.”
Dean nodded. Leave it to Sammy to find a spell that would work. His little brother the genius.
Jody continued, though, picking up her thought from before she had derailed herself. “Honestly, though, I’m not sure how long they were together before that.”
The word ‘together’ made Dean shudder internally but he just pushed that to the back of his mind.
“Did all the Leviathan follow Dick Roman into Purgatory?” Castiel asked, resuming his seat at the table. His eyes focused on the older woman. “We encountered some in Purgatory but I’m unsure if that was all of them.”
Dean looked at Castiel and sighed. He really wished he could remember. He remembered monsters but nothing specific. He couldn’t even tell you exactly what Benny looked like. He couldn’t understand why Cas remembered and he couldn’t.
“You’d have to check with Sam on the details but I haven’t had a single issue. They seemed to just disappear. All their plans seemed to halt and the government blamed it on Roman. Came up with some scandal of sorts involving money laundering and poor investments and they even got PETA involved saying that Roman Industries was using animals to test preservatives and carcinogens. It was messy for awhile. People who had invested lost lots of money but in the end, as with all of those types of cover-ups, everyone forgot as soon as the next big thing popped up on their news feeds,” said Jody.
Castiel nodded at her as Dean asked, “What did they say happened to Dick?”
She smirked and went into ‘church gossip’ mode. “Apparently, old Roman was getting money from some questionable friends and when he didn’t meet a few deadlines they broke into his offices, killed a bunch of his employees and murdered Roman. No one is sure who these friends were but the government is still investigating.” Dean chuckled at that. Leave it to the government to put that kind of spin on the situation. Even though he doubted there had even been any bodies.
“What was the next big thing, Sheriff Mills?” Castiel asked, not finding the humor in the cover up the way Jody and Dean had.
“Please, Cas, call me Jody,” she said as she looked down at her coffee. Her normally youthful face suddenly looked every one of her years. “You mean besides the continuing wars and debt? Well, kids began to go missing. Two or three at a time from all over the place. That was before Sam contacted me about finding you. We lost five in Sioux Falls alone.” Sam’s hand came to rest on Jody’s shoulder and she looked up at him, thankfully. Dean hadn’t even noticed he had rejoined the table.
Sam offered her a soft smile and took over the story. “Tamara and I were tracking the missing children. Dean, it makes no sense.”
“Wait. Are you saying it’s still happening? Kids are still disappearing out there?” Dean asked, his hands tightening up around his mug.
Sam nodded and looked away. “When I found the spell to pull you and Cas from wherever you had gone, I had to stop and try. We weren’t getting anywhere on our own at least if we could save you-“
“I’d help,” Dean supplied. He took a deep breath and glanced at Castiel. Cas caught his eye and they shared a short nod. Of course, Sam would not only want him back but also needed his help. He turned to his brother and said, “Go on.”
Sam sighed and visibly relaxed. “Thank you, guys. Well, these kids are between the ages of 6 and 17 and there is nowhere that’s safe. One day there would be three kids missing from Maryland and two days later another four from Alabama. Some places, like Sioux Falls, were hit twice. We were running ragged and trying to find a single clue. There’s just nothing. No sign of the kids, no sign of it being demon or skin-walker or…just nothing.”
Tamara had rejoined them at the table and was refilling coffee mugs. Dean had a sudden urge to get something stronger but he didn’t move from his spot at the table. She touched Sam’s hand when it looked as though he couldn’t keep going. Sam looked at her and didn’t quite smile.
She turned to Dean, taking a seat across from him. She was as pretty as the last time Dean had seen her and as she spoke, he found himself in love with her voice. “These kids are always taken while at parks, museums or outings. It’s usually a large group gathering where a couple of kids inevitably shuffle off to do their own thing. No one would notice because there are so many people. It really goes against most monster M.O.’s we know.”
“So, what do we do now?” Dean asked, clapping his hands, ready to get dirty and jump into the case.
Sam shook his head. “Right now? Nothing. There hasn’t been a disappearance in a week. We’ve already scoured the last three abduction sites and until another clue appears we’re literally dead in the water. I hate to say we’re waiting on more kidnappings but we just don’t have anything to work with right now.”
Cas spoke, asking, “How many are missing?”
Tamara answered, “Six hundred fourteen, maybe more. There are some cases from last year that may or may not be a part of all this. They are all similar.”
“Holy shit!” Dean exclaimed.
“Have you looked into cults?” Castiel asked, standing up and walking over to the bookshelf on the wall. It didn’t have Bobby Singer’s whole collection but it was a start.
“We looked into some but there aren’t any active ones at the moment that could possibly work on such a large scale,” Tamara answered again.
Tipping a book into his hands, Castiel opened it as he walked over to the table to start researching, absently scratching his beard as he went. He didn’t glance up when he spoke. “None that you know of but that does not mean they do not exist.”
Tamara looked at Sam as if she had been slapped. “Sorry,” Sam said. “He's rude like that sometimes. Poor people skills.”
She blinked in confusion before rolling her eyes. “No, you twit. I’m not offended. I’m amazed we didn’t think to continue pursuing that line of thought. We’re such idiots.” She got up and began raiding the bookshelf.
Jody looked at her watch. “I can help for a few hours. Then I have a sheriff’s department to run. You guys know you can call me and I’ll help out where I can.”
Dean sat still in shock for a moment as his brain began to fully process everything. He had been in Purgatory. Now he wasn’t. Now kids are going missing and there may be a cult to blame. Also, he was still in pajamas. He mentally shrugged and with a jerk of his head, he said, “Let’s hit the books, Sammy.”
Sam smiled and stood up, lightly bopping Dean on the back of his head as he passed. “Missed you, Jerk.”
“Same here, bitch.”
Castiel glanced up from his book to look at the brothers and sighed.
~*~
Four hours later and everyone was in full-on research mode. Jody had returned to the Sioux Falls, but the others were all diligently scouring every book and internet link to find something to help them. Sam was sitting on the sofa with his laptop open, tapping at keys and taking notes. Tamara sat on the other side of the sofa, her toes tucked underneath Sam’s leg as she read a thick tome on ancient cults. There was a stack of books on the floor in front of her. Dean was at the table, three books open and a few piles strewn about the table. His eyes were beginning to cross and he was getting irate with the whole situation. Castiel had only just disappeared to shave. He had been sitting across from Dean and scratching at his beard non-stop to the point where Dean got up, hunted down a razor and some shaving cream and pushed him into the bathroom. He actually kind of liked the beard but he hated it if it was only going to make Castiel fidget and fuss. Sometimes the angel was such a child.
Dean, pushed the book away from him and stood up. He yawned and leaned against the back of his chair, looking at his brother. “This is shit. I’m not getting anywhere. The only information I gleaned was that cults never work on such a large scale. Also, they’re usually a lot less…invisible.”
Sam looked up and with one hand rubbed at the bridge of his nose, the other hand ran up Tamara’s calf and she smiled at him before she returned to her reading. Dean stopped and watched the two.
“Spill it. When did this…” he motioned to the pair on the sofa, “…happen?” He schooled his face to hide his smirk.
Sam blushed and Tamara glanced up at Dean. She studied his face for a moment like she was looking for something. With a nod, Tamara seemed to find what she was looking for and she said, “Awhile. Is it a problem, Dean?”
Dean smiled, his eyes softly crinkling at the edges. “No problem. Just weird. I mean, the last time we saw each other we weren’t exactly bff and all and I know you were hurting. Don't get me wrong, I’m glad to see that you’re okay.” He looked at his brother and said, “Both of you.”
Sam narrowed his eyes at Dean. “What happened in Purgatory?”
Dean blinked. “What do you mean? I told you, I don’t remember much at all.”
Sam only shook his head, disbelievingly. “I don’t know. You never talk about feelings. Did you finally get in touch with your feminine side?”
“This is him talking feelings?” Tamara asked Sam. Sam shrugged and gave her a little smile. She turned her attention back to Dean. “I mourned my husband but that was also a few years ago. I went back to England and healed. I kept hunting, though. Had to. I owed Isaac and Stephi that much.” She lowered her eyes at the mention of her daughter’s name. The whole reason she and Isaac became hunters in the first place. “Don’t get me wrong, Dean, I’ll never stop loving Isaac but even he would have wanted me to have a life and not curl up and die alone.”
Dean nodded. He understood. It was something their father never did, though. John never remarried, never settled and he kept on fighting until the end. Dean knew he’d probably do the same even if he understood the need that some people had to just move on. Sam could heal that way. He was doing so with Tamara. Dean was too much like his father. He’d go down alone and hurting with a gun in his hand and blood in his mouth.
“I met up with Tamara shortly after you and Cas disappeared. She’d been back in the States for a couple of years and I’m honestly surprised we hadn’t bumped into her sooner.” He smiled at Tamara and she reached over and took his hand. Sam glanced back at Dean and said, “I’m sure you can figure out the rest.”
Dean smiled. He was happy that Sam was happy. He needed someone and if it was a hunter then that was probably for the best. Tamara was a few years older than Sam but that really didn’t matter. They had both suffered from this life and they both understood the others' pain. Besides, it wasn’t like he was one to judge. He’d had his fair share of cougars. “Just stay safe,” Dean said to Tamara. “Sammy’s been through a lot too and I don’t want to have to fix him if he loses you. “
Sam looked at Dean in shock but he knew his words were true. Tamara only smiled. “Tell him the same thing. Don’t know if I’d deal too well with losing another man to this life.”
A silence fell on the three of them as they all thought of how this could end up messy and painful, but then Sam cleared his throat and said, “So, you and Cas?”
Dean’s eyebrows shot up and he shook his head and pasted an ugly confused expression on his face. “What? No. What? What makes you say that?”
Sam snorted. “Well, the looks, the sighs, the fact that you were both naked when we found you. Of course, that was probably the spell. It did say something about rebirth and such. Real vague but probably th-”
Dean didn't hear his brother. He thought back to the way Castiel had pulled him close in the bed when he thought Dean was having a bad dream. The look Castiel had given him before they were called out to eat. There was something in his eyes that he wanted Dean to remember but… Nah.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said and crossed his arms over his chest.
Shaking his head, Sam said, “You’re kidding me, right? Dean, he was practically feeding you this morning. Something must have happened in Purgatory and, quite frankly, it’s about damn time. You two have danced around one another for years and if we hadn’t lost him the year before last I bet this would have happened sooner.”
Dean felt his anger begin to grow and spill over. Castiel had done some horrible shit before they lost him and then Dean had found him again and he was no longer Castiel. Then things really turned to Hell when Castiel took Sam’s damaged mind into his own and Dean knew he’d never have his friend back again. He’d accepted that Castiel was different, broken, crazy. But then Purgatory happened and he couldn’t remember any of that…well, at least nothing that seemed to matter. It was driving him mad and to have Sam say he and Castiel were…together? It was insane and he wished everyone would stop trying to…he honestly didn’t know what they were trying to do but it was really pissing him off.
Sam gently put his laptop on the floor before standing up and walking over to Dean. “Dude, calm down. I’m not saying you and Cas are now lovers or anything. I just thought you looked closer. Just-“ he broke off and looked around the room. “Is Cas still in the bathroom?”
Dean looked around, steadily ignoring everything his brother was saying until he asked where Castiel had disappeared to. He looked and with a sigh tromped over to the bathroom and knocked on the door. “Cas? You still in there? Didn’t cut your throat or anything?”
“Dean! Really?” Sam groaned.
There was no sound on the other side of the door but very slowly it opened. A blue eye glared at him through the opening and Dean fought the smile that wanted to take over his face. There was shaving cream everywhere on Castiel’s face. With a sigh, Dean pushed the door and bullied his way in before Castiel could complain.
As the door shut, Sam looked at Tamara and said, “I thought he had already had the big gay crisis. I mean, when Dean thought Cas was dead he carried Cas’ overcoat from car to car every time we stole another. If that isn’t love then…I just don’t know.” He took his seat again next to Tamara and she put her book down to curl up next to him. Sam sighed contentedly and leaned in to kiss Tamara. He wouldn’t say he loved her…not yet, but he definitely cared a lot about her and it didn’t matter if she was older. They were the same and she was human and she knew of the hunter life. Sam couldn’t ask for more.
A loud thump sounded against the bathroom door and Sam and Tamara snickered as they could only imagine what the other two were doing.
~*~
Dean pushed Castiel into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He groaned and ran a hand over his face to hide his smile. Castiel looked so sad and lost and hysterical. “Cas? What are you trying to do?”
Castiel’s bright blue eyes narrowed as he glared at Dean. “I was trying to shave off this beard but then that can of shaving cream…I didn’t expect so much to come out at once and I didn’t want to waste it so-“ he ranted, hands waving around and only just missing Dean.
“So, you decided you would cover yourself and part of the sink in shaving cream? Why didn’t you just ask me for help? I just assumed-“
“You just assumed that I would automatically know what I’m doing because I’ve observed humans for thousands of years?” Dean nodded his head. “Seeing and doing are two different things, Dean.”
“Why didn’t you just mojo it off?” Dean asked, coming up to Castiel and grabbing a towel. He began to wipe away the excess cream.
Castiel grabbed at Dean’s wrist with a shaving cream smeared hand effectively stopping Dean's movements. He glared into Dean's eyes. “I don’t know if I’m still allowed in Heaven and I’m not quite ready to try. If I’m cut off I’ve only got so much Grace before it will run out and I will be human. I won’t waste it on hair removal.”
Dean nodded in understanding then glanced at the hand holding his wrist and Castiel let go. Dean closed the space between them and as he did Castiel took a step backwards and banged his body against the bathroom door. Dean winced. “Dude, I just want to clean that off. I’m going to show you what to do.”
Castiel glanced at the towel and then at Dean and nodded. Silently, Dean moved closer to the angel and began to slowly wipe the excess shaving cream off his face. It was on the bridge of Castiel’s nose, up by his eyebrows where a swath was spread across his forehead. Dean was even sure some had gotten in his hair and down the neck of his t-shirt but he refused to comment. Castiel already looked like he was ready to curl up in a corner and die from embarrassment. When Dean finished he moved Castiel closer to the sink. The bathroom wasn’t all that big so Dean had to get within Castiel’s personal space. Dean threw the messy towel in the hamper and grabbed another. He draped it over Castiel’s chest and turned to pull a small pair of scissors out of the medicine cabinet. He showed them to Castiel.
“Right now your beard is too thick. I’ll have to cut it back some or the razor won’t work,” he said. Castiel nodded and Dean began to trim away the excess hair. As he worked, Castiel’s eyes were intent on Dean’s face watching him. Soon the beard was down to a manageable length. Dean ran his hand over Castiel’s face to remove the loose bits of hair. Castiel leaned into his touch and Dean pulled back. Dean ignored the look of hurt in Castiel’s eyes as he took the can of cream and put a small amount in his palm.
Castiel stopped him before he could put it on. “How is it that you do not have a beard?”
Dean paused and rubbed his free hand over his face. It was stubbly, as usual, but it wasn’t longer than that. He shrugged. “Don’t know. That’s weird, though. Maybe I had a knife?” he asked, trying to see if he could prompt any information out of Castiel. He knew the angel remembered more if not everything of their time in Purgatory.
Castiel sighed and looked away, giving Dean nothing. Dean really wished he could remember.
Slowly, Dean began to put the shaving cream on Castiel’s beard and the angel’s eyes began to close as he worked. Then he filled the sink with hot water and dipped the razor into it before bringing it up to Castiel’s face. It was odd shaving another face. He’d never done this before. Not like this. Teaching Sammy had been more instructional and less hands-on. A part of him screamed that it was just plain weird, another part sighed with contentment that he was able to help Castiel in any small way. Dean was built to help others. It made him feel almost Zen-like to do so. Helping Castiel shave was just calming and after the turmoil of the past day it was something he needed to do. As Dean’s hands gently held skin taught so he could slide the razor across it, Castiel would lean into his touch. Dean didn’t pull away this time. Perhaps they both needed this. The physical contact. One time, Dean remembered, Sam had told him about this article he’d read about the healing power of touch. There were these babies that would die in orphanages because no one touched them other than to perform basic care. Humans needed touch. Craved it. Apparently, so did angels.
Too soon, he finished and cleaned Castiel’s face of all the leftover bits of shaving cream and loose hair. He positioned Castiel in front of the mirror and smiled at him. “Back to your pretty self,” he smirked, his hands gently squeezing Castiel’s shoulders. “You should shower, though. You’ve got shaving cream in your hair and all those loose whiskers will start to itch.”
Castiel ran his hand over his now smooth face and quickly turned to face Dean. They were very close and Dean could feel Castiel’s breath brush over his mouth. Castiel grabbed the back of Dean’s neck and pushed their foreheads together. “You still remember nothing of what happened,” Castiel whispered and Dean felt his heart hurt because he only wished he could tell Castiel that he did remember. "The human brain is so fragile. It will catch up. Eventually." Castiel sighed and said, “Thank you, Dean. I’ll take a shower.” He reached up and kissed Dean’s forehead before gently pushing him out of the bathroom.
Dean leaned against the bathroom door after Castiel shut it. He heard the lock click into place. Sam looked up at him with a smile that quickly faded. “You okay, Dean?”
Dean blinked in confusion. Then he began to get pissed because he was even more confused and he just knew that the secret to all this between him and Castiel had to do with his memories. He clenched his hands into fists and stormed off toward the bedroom. “Everything’s peachy,” he ground out through clenched teeth.
Sam glanced at Tamara and they both shrugged before turning back to their research.
~*~
Dean paced back and forth within the small bedroom. This meant he walked in a loop around the bed and back to the other side. He was angry. He was tired and, most of all, he was sick of not being able to remember. Something had to be wrong with him that he couldn’t remember a year of his life. He could remember flashes, brief moments but even they weren’t that clear. He remembered Benny. He remembered fighting and he remembered finding Castiel. Dean focused on that last memory. He focused on the image of his best friend squat down by the water’s edge and he remembered the emotions that flowed through him at the sight. He wasn’t going to lose Castiel again. Too much had happened in the real world, too much pain and betrayal sat thick between them and Castiel had paid dearly for it. At least, Dean thought so. He had fixed Sammy and in return had gone mad. There were a lot of things Dean could never forgive Castiel for doing but when he had fixed his little brother none of the rest mattered. Sam was all Dean had and Castiel had given Sam back his mind, Lucifer free.
Sammy was Dean’s world. Had been since they were small and Dean had carried his tiny brother to safety. Castiel had saved Sam from a destroyed psyche and in that action he also earned his place back within the family. Dean knew Castiel had never -at least in his mind- been excluded from the family but Dean had been hurt by the lies and deals. It still burned him to think that Castiel felt he couldn’t turn to him. It didn’t matter that he was with Lisa at the time, he would have done everything he could to help Castiel.
Dean stopped pacing and stared at the wall before him. He would have done anything to help Castiel. He would have left Lisa if Castiel had asked him to. He did for Sam. That struck Dean as something very important. Something he should consider. Castiel could have made Dean leave the apple-pie life in a heartbeat. No matter how much he cared for Lisa and Ben, he was bored. He had never dreamed of that world as something he could have so he thought it was impossible. The reality of it all was that he never dreamed of that world as something he wanted; he had only assumed it was something that was out of his reach. He was a hunter. It was in his blood. He was made to protect people. He was a survivor and he was a fighter. He was most certainly not a husband. Backyard barbeques and evenings watching television are nice but they aren’t something he could do daily. He needed to stop monsters. He needed to research and do leg-work and deal with the horrors that the rest of the world were blinded from seeing. It was who he was born to be and he would have jumped at the opportunity to return if only he’d been given the temptation to do so.
With a sigh, Dean turned to the bed and collapsed on his side. He stared off into space as his mind continued to go over the facts.
Castiel had left him as soon as they got to Purgatory. He was on his own, fighting for his life, looking for Castiel. He was angry and hurt and he had convinced himself that Castiel had been taken from him. He remembered this much. He remembered fighting monsters. He remembered growling into their faces, ‘Where’s the angel?’ right before killing them. He remembered almost losing it to a monster and Benny saving him. He also remembered the deal Benny had offered him and his counter deal of Benny helping to find Castiel.
They found him and…
His memories were choppy from that part on.
Dean felt his eyes droop and he yawned. He was exhausted and he just didn’t want to think anymore. He couldn’t remember anymore and his head was starting to hurt. He reached over and pulled the blanket over his body and closed his eyes. He would just lay here until Castiel got out of the shower and hope there was still some hot water. Maybe there was some pie in the fridge. That would be…
…fan-fucking-tastic! Dean thought as he was slammed against a thick tree trunk. His head hit the wood hard and bounced forward. Where the Hell was Benny? He and Castiel were supposed to be keeping watch so he could get some sleep. He hadn’t even wanted to stop but the other two were insistent since he kept stumbling over his own feet with exhaustion.
The vampire had snuck up on him and even though Dean was a light sleeper, he still managed to get beat to shit and thrown against a tree. Dean had lost his weapon when he was tossed so he was now searching around his feet for a felled branch or something to use as a weapon as the vampire moved in. Realizing he was beat, Dean closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable. He had nothing to fight with and no way to overpower something like this when he was so exhausted. He braced himself but nothing happened. He snuck an eye open to see a hand appear on the top of the vampire’s head, a look of shock and terror on the vamp’s face before it filled with light and Dean had to slam his eyes shut once more. The creature died, painfully and Castiel pushed it to the side, holding out a hand for Dean.
Taking Castiel’s hand, Dean said, “Dude! That was close. Where the Hell were you?” Castiel looked away and Dean yanked his hand back. “You were leaving? Again?”
“Dean, I’m a danger to you,” Castiel said, refusing to look at Dean as he spoke.
Dean pushed past him and began to gather his handmade weapons. “Bullshit, Cas! You know what I went through to find you in this shit-hole. I’m not going to lose you again. We’re in it together. Just like always,” he turned to look at the angel. “Just like it should’ve always been.” He narrowed his eyes and glared for a moment before he sat down on a fallen tree.
Castiel only stood near the corpse of the vampire, eyeing it blandly. He was silent and Dean couldn’t bear it any longer. “Cas, don’t you understand that I need you? We’re shit alone. When we get back and we have Sam with us, we’re unstoppable. Why do you think I would willingly leave you behind?”
Castiel turned slowly and pierced him with those blue eyes. “After everything I did you still want me around? I don’t understand, Dean. I cannot comprehend your thought process. If I were you I’d hate me.”
“I did,” Dean said, looking away.
Nodding, Castiel moved closer, his own face turned down. “And now you do not?”
Dean shrugged. “You fixed Sam. You helped me gank Dick. No matter what you did, even if it was shit and you should have come to me first, you did it for me.” He shook his head. “Not like that makes any sense.” Dean shifted uncomfortably on the log as Castiel came closer still.
“You two lovebirds still fightin'? Wish you’d just fuck and get it over with,” Benny shouted as he entered the clearing. He glanced at the dead vampire and said, “Looks like I missed the party, eh boys?”
Castiel glared at him and Dean refused to look at either of them. Dean could feel a frustrated growl rise in his throat…
…as the two argued. They were trudging up the side of a steep hill and Dean was tired of listening to the bickering. All right, maybe they weren’t bickering but Benny was definitely angling at something that Castiel seemed to easily skirt. The conversation was going in circles and Dean just wanted to knock them both in the back of the head just so they would shut up.
“Look. All I’m sayin' is that when you love someone you do stupid shit,” Benny explained. “At the time, it always seems like the right thing to do but in the end you realize that it was stupid but at that point it's always too late.” He stopped and looked off into the distance. It could have been mistaken as Benny trying to assess their location but Dean could see the wistful look of someone speaking from experience and lost in those memories.
Castiel looked at him and ran a hand through his hair. “Sometimes you have to be rational. Even illogical steps sound logical when you’re blinded by emotion.”
Benny’s face cleared as he looked back at Castiel. “Like an angel understands emotion.”
“Dude, that was not cool.” Dean climbed up the small incline to reach the pair. He stood between them, his hands hovering just short of touching their chests. “Cas, Benny’s right. Sometimes you do stupid shit when you’re in love.” He turned to look at Benny, “Not all angels are cold hearted dicks. Cas has come a long way from when I first met him and…” he looked back to Castiel. The angel’s blue eyes held his and he wanted to say something profound. A surge of emotion struck him hard against his chest and he had to take a deep breath to push it back down. Benny cleared his throat and Dean blinked, breaking the spell. He smirked, to cover the moment and said, “You should have met his brothers. They were all emotionless dicks. Well, except Gabriel but he was a twisted little fucker.” Castiel’s lips curled up, slightly and Dean smiled. “Don’t even get me started on Balthazar.” Dean smiled again but Castiel’s face seemed to grow sad and he glanced away.
Benny sighed, loudly. “So, you’re saying that based on his family, he can’t help but be a stone. However, he can be taught,” he said.
Dean furrowed his brow as he tried to regain Castiel’s gaze. The angel relented, looking at Dean and sighing. Dean nodded and replied, “Yeah. He can be taught.”
Shaking his head, Benny began to walk off, leaving the pair behind, mumbling something to himself about being in love making you stupid enough to get between two supernatural beings. Dean ignored him.
“Can I really be taught, Dean?” Castiel asked, taking a step closer to Dean. The sadness was still written on his face but Dean had come to realize that Castiel would always carry the guilt and sorrow of his past. Same as Dean would always carry his around. It was just a part of who they were.
Dean nodded. “You’ve already learned a lot, Cas.”
Castiel lowered his eyes, breaking their gazing contest. “Sometimes I feel like I haven’t learned enough. Sometimes I still feel like a colt, stumbling about on new legs.”
Dean had to clear his throat as he blinked and looked down to see that his hand was still, in fact, resting on the angel’s chest. He slowly pulled it back to his body and whispered, “We all feel like that, Cas. It’s how we grow. No one has all the answers. No one said life was going to be easy and it sure as shit doesn’t come with a user’s manual.”
The small tug of a smile returned to Castiel’s face as he said, “Good to know I’m not alone.” His words filled Dean with such confusion at what Castiel meant that he suddenly felt like the stumbling colt.
“Are you two coming or do I need to disappear for an hour?” Benny shouted back at them from above.
Dean cleared his throat and Castiel looked up the hill at Benny. Silently, they continued their way up after the vampire. Dean’s heart thumping madly in his…
...chest. Hot hands on his chest pushing away his filthy shirt and exposing the warm flesh underneath. He was shaking with need as those hands brushed and mapped out his skin and a hot mouth sucked at his neck. He pushed up against the heated body before him; knocking them into the wall of the cave they had taken shelter in during the storm. Benny was just outside so they fought to keep their voices down.
“Dean,” Castiel whispered against his skin.
“Cas?” Dean replied, his own hands tangling in the angel’s hair.
“I’m sorry. I'm so sorry,” Castiel said before claiming Dean’s mouth.
Dean pulled away from the kiss long enough to whisper, “I know. Me too.” Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him impossibly close, burying his face in Dean's neck. Dean could feel Castiel tremble, his shoulders shake. "Shhhh, Cas. I got you. It's all right."
Castiel made a small head shake. "No it's not. I did this. I brought all this on you."
Dean traced his hand over Castiel's face, touching his soft beard and lifting his chin so that he could look into the angel's eyes. "No. You may have done a lot but you didn't do this. I'm the one that wanted you with me when we took down Dick. I'm the one that took you away from the life you had with..." He couldn't say her name. It still hurt to know that without his memories of Dean, Castiel could move on and actually have a life and a wife. Well, except for the demons that had found him. At least Dean couldn't feel pain for saving the dude's life.
"Dean, that wasn't me. You know that wasn't me. I couldn't remember. I could never leave you. I-"
Dean shut him up by kissing him, fiercely. He couldn't listen to Castiel apologize any longer. It was all too much. If he kept kissing Cas then maybe he would shut the fuck up about everything that can't be changed, things that can't be fixed. Castiel seemed to understand Dean's actions as the two melted into one another...
Dean woke with a start. He immediately reached a hand up to touch his mouth and an arm wrapped around him and pulled him close. “It’s just a dream, Dean,” Castiel whispered into his hair.
Dean’s eyes grew large and the room spun slightly as the memories hit him. The dream had unlocked his time in Purgatory and he remembered everything. He and Castiel were…together. A small part of him wanted to freak the fuck out but a larger part of him told the smaller part to get over itself. Dean turned to face Castiel. The angel was warm and he smelled fresh from the shower. His hair was dry so Dean must have been sleeping for awhile. He looked into Castiel’s fathomless blue eyes and whispered, “I remember.”
Castiel’s lips curled slightly at the edges and his eyes smiled brightly. He leaned in and kissed Dean and Dean didn’t fight it. He kissed back as even more memories joined the ones he had recovered. They were lovers. It wasn’t perfect. They still fought and they still found the other frustrating as Hell but they were together and it made Dean happier than he could have imagined. This was right. It made sense. He belonged to this angel, the one that had marked him as his own when he pulled him from Hell. Castiel had held his soul, rebuilt his body and had protected him all the years they had known one another. Just as he had protected Castiel when he had been human and when he had been lost. The feelings that rushed him were the exact feelings he didn’t have but wished he could have had with Lisa. Not even his time with Cassie had filled him with what he felt now. It was nameless and he never wanted it to end.
He pulled away from the kiss that had been growing steadily more heated. Castiel growled in the back of his throat at the loss. Dean chuckled at that as he looked at his angel. “Just so you know, this doesn’t mean I’m gay.”
Castiel laughed. Actually laughed. “I know, Dean. You said that in Purgatory as well.”
Dean touched Castiel’s lips with the tips of his fingers, trying to map that smile, to memorize it. “I know, Cas. I remember.”
Two's Company