August 28th, 1978
Fucking - James can be such a bleeding arse, sometimes. I don't get it, it's just - I don't even know for sure what the fuck we argued about anymore last night. Me always being at the Lestranges and not coming up with info yet and - and Padfoot being unreliable and Merlin's saggy left ball, I just think --- shit, what the hell does he want me to do? I can't be everything. I'm not that fucking special.
I don't know, at the end of it all I felt like there's something going on - something more serious that we didn't get a hold on and probably never will get a hold on because we never get a hold on shit like that, we just...I don't know, absorb it or ignore it and it just works into how everything works.
He fell asleep on the couch last night. On the fucking - I don't know - fuck.
You know, writing this out didn't make me feel any better. In fact, thinking about it all again, it almost makes me feel worse. There're definite pluses to being a dog - one of them being, at least I don't have to think about this kind of crap. Dogs can't.
I love being at home, don't get me wrong. I love Moony and Pete and James - when he's not being a giant berk - and Lily's nice too, most of the time, I'll admit it, she's a fun girl. But Merlin, sometimes I see her and James together and I'm happy for them, but sometimes I'm bitter and sometimes I'm annoyed and sometimes it's like - get a fucking room - and then I know I'm being an arse, because I SHOULD be happy that they're lasting as long as they are, and James is OBVIOUSLY still crazy about her and she's being good about it, and I know she cares now, she really does love the bloke, and I hate thinking about that - and sometimes I really am happy for him, that it's working out well for him. But sometimes, I see them and it just pisses me off so bad.