So I come across stuff on CNN.com every so often...

[metallian]

...and I'm just having a really hard time working up any enthusiasm, even though I feel like I should, for this. Or this. And it's reinforced by what I hear and observe at work much of the time. I so often find myself feeling thankful for and appreciative of my own situation, mindful of the many little moments I can enjoy that would otherwise be

Comments

[elgorade]

Of course some of that begs the question of whether Mrs Metallian reads your journal

[metallian]

Oh, yes. We had more or less this exact conversation the other day. I wouldn't have posted it otherwise.

[dlly]

Oof, these are areas I cannot even claim to know anything about. However, I wish you luck on your pondering, and simply say that it is often the bane of humanity to overthink as much as they may underthink.

Sigh, I only wish for this sort of worry someday. It would myan life was at so much sweeter a point in the first place.

DL

[elissa_carey]

Wow. You are so avoidant, you don't even mention that it's kids and the impact on your life that you're thinking about. This is not a criticism, by the way, but an observation. It's a good thing my reading comprehension skills are top-notch, or I'd be left going, "Huh?"

[metallian]

That was 1/4 "because it's an uncomfortable subject," 1/4 "to compel people to read at least the first article I linked to for context," 1/4 "attempting to be all clever," and 1/4 "having faith in the reading comprehension skills of my flist." ;)

[elissa_carey]

Uh huh. I think the truth is closer to the first 1/4 being the entire thing, with the rest of the quarters being the reasoning and tools you're using to support that avoidance. :)

As for the subject itself: really, that's between you and Mrs. Metallian. As the first article says, "Dude, go tell your wife." It's really, seriously, not our place to judge you and your desire (or lack of) to have kids, no matter what "society" says and does. Whether you have kids or not, those who are your friends will still be your friends. The more important relationship is the one you have with your partner in life. Anyone, other than the two of you, who can't handle your private decisions about this needs to get some perspective and go handle their own shit.

[metallian]

Hmm, perhaps I should make it clear in my post that we've had this conversation and I'm posting here just to get my thoughts down on "paper" and solicit some fresh perspectives. I wouldn't have posted it otherwise, it would be pretty rude to just drop something like that on her via LJ!

[mythomanic]

normal reservations, probably (breathe!) also, calls for a chat with Mrs Metallian; presumably a) you've talked about this and b) she reads your livejournal. and also also, maybe conduct your own survey of friends on the whole spectrum of reactions? :)

oh! and: are said misgivings any different from those before any other large life decision?

[metallian]

Yeah, we do this talk every so often, with inconclusive results. Currently, her job means we have an excuse to put off thinking about it too hard.

As for a survey of friends - that's partly what this is for. ;) It's very hard to know how to gauge the input of parents, though. There's the fact that they might just be wired differently from us, preference-wise. There's what they'll tell you if you ask vs. what you actually observe day-to-day. There's the claim that once it happens, some biological switch flips that makes it okay (which is, itself, a bit scary to think about).

And yes, the misgivings are very much different. Marriage, moving, buying a house, choosing jobs...all were comparatively simple and trivial. Of course, those are all decisions that you can, put off as long as you please or do on a trial basis!

[mythomanic]

ah yes, reversibility is important...! i have my own convictions, which go something along the lines of "i have my sperm donors all lined up", but then i am a) a genetic elitist, b) pigheaded and c) at a somewhat different life stage from you.

[metallian]

Definitely we have some ego element of, "We're both smart people, and were relatively easy to handle as kids, the kid would probably be a lot like us and we'd totally raise him or her to be awesome."

But also the thought of, "Well, okay, and what if he or she wasn't? Would we be okay, really okay, with that? What if they were an incorrigible troublemaker or got hopelessly mixed up with the wrong crowd? What if they had a condition that required all-consuming life-long care? Do we have it in us to be really, truly, okay with that outcome?" I can't read stories like that where a parent talks about what a beautiful learning experience it is and how they wouldn't trade it for a "normal" life without thinking, "That poor person's life is a living hell, but they have to say that! What else can they say? They have to believe it to keep from going crazy." Then I feel like a jerk. :/

And yeah, we were much more gung-ho about the idea at your age!

[anaka]

Having kids is great. It's also a definite sea change. You will need to be okay with changing your life at least somewhat -- if you aren't, really really aren't, then it's not a good idea

[metallian]

Hmmm, there is much wisdom in your post, thank you for that.

I already knew the answer to the "by the way, no kids for you" thing, seeing articles about the lengths people will go to for infertility treatments tends to bring it to mind. Whether it's relief that at least a decision has been made or relief because of which decision has been made is less clear.

It's true though that we're not in a tremendous rush to decide. I suppose the point of this exercise was to loosen up our mental logjam so we're not in the same place when it does comes to crunch time.