A post that's been rattling around in my head for a while, loosened by drink...

[metallian]

Some of the most important qualities in a romantic partner are judgment, wisdom, reasonability, and communication skills. I'd say deficiencies in these areas account for most of the relationship-related complaints I hear about from people of all genders and sexual orientations. The best relationships I see excel in these respects. They are among

Comments

[conejodanz]

Popular culture (fiction, "reality" TV) thrives on the opposite. These are seen as the antithesis of drama, which thrives on misunderstanding, irrationality, confusion and stubbornness. In other words, it's boring to watch. :-) Although it does make for a much more pleasant life!

[metallian]

That is a fair point. Though there are times we yell at the TV, "Man, if you could just have a normal conversation for 5 minutes to clear this up none of this would've happened!"

[ducttapedemigod]

but that is every sitcom episode ever...

[dalziel_86]

It's also every romantic comedy, love story or episode of Lost ever.

[elgorade]

It isn't clear you can teach those skills. Certainly not in a short advice column or a bull session in a bar.

[metallian]

Oh, I meant more in dating advice columns (what to look for) rather than columns about how to act.

[magus145]

But most people reading dating advice are looking for affirmation of pre-existing views or advice on how to change people they're already with. Also, in addition to not being teachable, I feel like the first three especially are subjective in a way that is really just "compatibility". You are considered wise, reasonable, or of good judgement by me entirely relative to my notion of those concepts.

[metallian]

I suppose, but even a nod to the fact that it's something for which you should have a standard is lacking, IMO.

[duosiceprincess]

I think that some people don't have a clear idea of what it means to be wise or have good judgement, and communication skills are even more difficult to define. To clarify that last part, some people just understand each other without a lot of talking, whereas other people seem to think if you do not discuss every single thing to death you aren't "communicating". That ties together rather tightly with the wisdom and the judgment.

On top of all that, very FEW people are willing to admit they aren't wise or reasonable or lacking in any of the fields you mentioned. Well, maybe people will admit they aren't wise, but they are thinking like, Mr. Miagi-style wisdom, a sort of vague quality that happens with age and martial arts training. Not the kind you use every day (thought his IS, but that's a totally different conversation). If you don't realize you NEED something, you won't even really discuss it, because it doesn't apply to YOU.

[metallian]

I do think a certain degree of self-awareness and capacity for introspection are highly desirable qualities in a mate. :)

[mattyofg]

Yeah, it's been said earlier, but I think the reason that you don't see those things in advice columns is because they are hard.

[rivet_geek]

Coming out of a relationship (read: getting divorced as in "All right? No marriage counseling, no trial separation, I'm going to get fucking divorced, okay?") where the other partner was deficient in all of those areas - and in a budding relationship with someone who has all four of those traits in leaps and bounds - I have to say that these traits are not portrayed as positive or attractive. Women are supposed to be emotional, fickle, irrational, "PMSing", "psycho" and a whole host of other traits. They're supposed to obsess over the love of their life, expect to be the center of their man's world, and take the slightest little things out of context. They're supposed to be lied to if they ask if they look fat or if you think that other chick is hot

[metallian]

mrsmetallian calls the stereotypical (mostly bad!) ways in which men and women are supposed to behave towards one another in relationships the "Stand-Up Comedy Version of Gender Relations." It's not something we care to see promoted, but there it is.