Fic: Worth Fighting For by katyscarlett76
Title: Worth Fighting For
Author: katyscarlett76
Rating & Warnings: PG-13
Prompts: Polyjuice Potion, Godric’s Hollow, romance or general
Format & Word Count: Fic/ 5058 words
Summary: After his confrontation with Harry at Grimmauld Place Remus is filled with anger and regret. An Order mission with his estranged wife helps him to get his priorities straight.
Author’s Notes: My first R/T in quite a while, hopefully I’ve done them justice. This fic can be read as a stand-alone but there are references to Remus’ childhood home from my fics What Matters Most and A Fireside Chat and their first mission together from A Walk in the Woods. Skating close to the deadline (as always) so this is unbetaed therefore all feedback is welcomed.
Worth Fighting For
Slamming the door to Number 12, Remus’ mind whirled as he fumed.
How dare he! I can’t believe I just did that! He doesn’t understand. He can’t understand. I’m a monster. I’m not a coward. How dare he….
Leaving Grimmauld Place Remus was shaking with anger but he also had a feeling of guilt. He should not have cursed Harry. Harry was only trying to help. But Harry could not understand and Remus should never have expected him to.
After his confrontation with Harry had gone so wrong Remus spent couple of weeks drifting. Moving from place to place, and fighting with everything that crossed his path. So full of anger and filled with anxiety for his wife. Although he was sure she was better off without him, he missed her terribly. The brief few weeks together since Dumbledore’s death felt like a dream.
When he thought of how coldly he’d spoken of Dora to Harry, he felt sick. He loved her dearly, he did, but he was sure that Harry would never have seen that. That Harry could see him as a man who would marry someone, conceive a child with them, but not love them, chilled him to the bone. More so than the argument or the hexing, it was how Harry now saw him that pained him most. He had thought that Harry respected him, liked him even and the thought that he may have lost that scared him. He knew he was right though. Harry didn’t understand the reality.
There was no circumstance that would end well. Either the child would be a werewolf and would blame him for the condition or the child would be healthy and would despise him for being a werewolf. They would be better off without him. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t miss Dora; that he didn’t think about her every day. During the day he could keep moving, keep fighting and forget what he was missing but at night his dreams haunted him. He just had to keep going, keep fighting and it would ease. If he died in the fight then maybe his child would be able to be proud of his memory instead of ashamed of his existence.
When he grew tired of fighting and the full moon loomed ahead, he returned to his parents’ house at St Bee’s Head. He'd given the tenants notice to leave just after Dumbledore's death, when he realised that the house would become a sitting target for Death Eaters. Better he live there under the Fidelius Charm than leave Muggles there unprotected. He had planned to return there with Dora, to begin building a life together until events had over-taken them and now he was back here alone. He made a mental note to ask Bill or Arthur to act as Secret Keeper for him at the next Order meeting. He went up to the attic to retrieve his parent’s furniture and belongings. As he returned them to their proper place, his thoughts turned again to Dora and how he had hoped to be doing this with her. Now he knew that had just been a pipe-dream and one he long since should have given up. Still, he pictured her in the house bustling around, adding her own colourful belongings to his. He pictured her smiling at him hands smoothing over a belly filled with their child. His thoughts then leapt to the future, to a small boy with Dora’s smile and his eyes running around these rooms as he once had. He saw himself taking his son to picnic and walk on the beach as he had with his father. The images were both intoxicating and upsetting. He would never have that. He didn’t deserve it. He was reminded of images from his dreams of Dora angry and crying. Images of a small body breaking and transforming. A small boy with a terrified look on his face and then an older child with the terror replaced by a look of contempt. It was all too much.
Remus summoned the muggle bottle of whisky that had been left by the tenants. It wasn’t as strong as firewhisky but it would do the trick. Closing his eyes he sank into a chair and proceeded to drink until he passed out. His despair was absolute and in some ways he hardly cared whether he ever awoke again, maybe that would be better all round.
Then one morning he awoke to a patronus from Arthur calling him to an emergency meeting at The Burrow and telling him to check the Daily Prophet. He felt disgusting, his head banging and his stomach churning. He hadn’t washed or shaved in weeks, in fact since the morning of Bill and Fleur’s wedding and he stank. Merlin, I’m turning into Dung, he laughed to himself as he dragged himself upstairs for a shower. Staring at his unshaven red eyed face in the mirror he decided to pull himself together. The patronus had given him a purpose for the first time in days. He may have irrevocably screwed up his life and the two people who meant most to him may hate him now but he could still help the Order. The least he could leave his child would be the knowledge that his father worked on the right side during the war, if nothing else.
Once he felt more ready to face the world, he apparated to the nearest wizarding settlement and, disguising himself the best he could, purchased a Daily Prophet from the local shop. As he shook open the folded paper he was confronted with Harry and Hermione’s pictures and the headline “Trespass at the Ministry”. He hurried over to the shelter of a nearby muggle cafe to read. He found himself smiling at the Prophet’s description of the teens as “dangerous” and of the havoc they had caused.
Sirius, he thought, you would have loved this.
As Remus arrived on the lane near The Burrow for the Order meeting he saw the unmistakeable form of Dora walking up the path. As she neared him her eyes narrowed.
“So still alive then I see.”
“Yes, Dora I...”
“Where you ever planning on coming home?”
At his silence she nodded. “No. I didn’t think so. And don’t call me Dora.”
She turned and walked through the gate into the house. Remus followed in silence. The meeting that followed was tense. They were sitting on opposite sides of the room to each other but he could feel her eyes on him constantly.
The Order discussed the Trio’s recent Ministry exploits. Various theories were put forward for what they might be doing there, each more ridiculous than the last. Remus felt something tugging at his brain though, something that told him the ‘theft’ of Umbridge’s locket (the fact of which had been splashed over the latest addition of the paper) was important. That it had to do with Dumbledore’s blackened hand and the ring he’d worn during the last few months of his life. But Remus’ head was heavy and full of too many thoughts to make sense of them. The Order all agreed that they needed to be on hand to back the Trio up whenever possible. It was considered that a presence in Godric’s Hollow on Halloween would be advisable considering its importance to Harry and to Voldemort. It was agreed that two members should go, scope out the area with the rest on standby in case of a fight. Remus volunteered himself without hesitation. But then Dora raised her hand as his companion. He could feel the entirety of the Order watching his reaction. Remus met her eyes trying to tell her it wasn’t a good idea. She just stared him down. The fire in her eyes telling him it wasn’t his choice anymore, but he had to try.
“Isn’t there anyone else? I’m not sure that Tonks”, he winced at using her former last name rather than the pet name of Dora, “is the right choice for this mission”.
The Order turned to see Dora’s response. She stood, slamming her hand down on the table.
“Don’t you dare! You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore Lupin! I’m going on this mission and if you don’t like it then you change! Anyway there is no-one else. Hestia’s busy with the Dursleys. Molly and Fleur are both involved with other missions. I’m the only one not involved in something else on that night. And I’m the only one trained in combat. If Death Eaters show up you need me. So I’m going!”
The Order all gasped at the cold tone of her voice. She sat back down, arms crossed over her chest staring determinedly at him. Remus bowed his head in submission.
The meeting ended with Molly offering her usual offer of dinner to all members. Most declined her offer eager to get home quickly. Remus debated whether to stay, whilst the offer of hot meal was attractive, he didn’t relish the cross-examination that would accompany it. Before he could answer, Dora did.
“No ta Molly. I must get back. Mum’ll be worried.”
As she stood and stretched Remus’ eyes were transfixed by the slight curve of her belly, the first outward sign of her pregnancy. A curve seemingly not noticed by the rest of the Order, although Remus had thought he’d seen Molly’s eyes widen slightly. She hadn’t said anything to either of them though, possibly too shocked by the cold way they had addressed each other. Dora hugged Molly and then brushed past Remus on her way to the door.
“I’ll fix the details for the mission and owl you.”
Remus nodded and watched as she exchanged goodbyes and good wishes with remaining Order members as she left.
On the morning of 30th October Remus took the first dose of the polyjuice potion and inspected his new image in the mirror. The man looking back was mildly handsome in a public schoolboy kind of way with short wavy black hair, dark eyes and a genial expression. He was shorter and chunkier than Remus and had a general air of self-assurance that was more like Sirius than Remus. It was a good choice.
They were to be disguised as a muggle couple and Dora had invented entire histories for them. Elizabeth and William Johnson newlyweds taking weekend walking break. Remus smiled slightly as the cover reminded him of their first undercover mission together in Ireland. This one though was altogether more dangerous. They were to take muggle transport to the village (which would maintain their cover as well as being necessary as it was unwise to apparate in pregnancy) and stay in the local pub.
He arrived at Euston Station with time to spare so browsed the shops purchasing a muggle newspaper for the journey with the muggle money he’d received along with the polyjuice potion. He then awaited Dora’s arrival at the appropriate spot. Not long after a young woman arrived, dressed fairly conservatively in jeans and a plain fitted t-shirt, a rucksack over her back and a jacket tied around her waist. Her long dark hair fell around her shoulders with a fringe emphasising her green-blue eyes. She was a posh-girl-jolly-hockey-sticks kind of pretty with a wide smile. When her eyes locked on his he didn’t need the whispered “wotcher” to know that this was the morphed form of his wife. His eyes scanned her figure noting that it appeared to be her own; pregnancy restricting her morphing. He was unable to stop a smile forming as his eyes rested on the slight curve of her belly.
As they boarded a train to Birmingham, Dora filled him in on the travel arrangements.
“So we take this train to Birmingham. Then change to one to Bristol where we change to one for Cardiff. Then we take a local train out into the sticks and take a couple of buses to get to Godric’s Hollow. A bit long-winded but better safe than sorry.”
“Very vigilant. Mad-Eye would be proud of you.” He smiled.
Dora’s face fell at the mention of her late mentor. Remus could have kicked himself for mentioning him.
“So this is a great new look for me don’t you think? I feel very Brideshead Revisited.”
“That’s the Muggle book about the posh kids at Oxford right? Kingsley got the hair from some guy who comes into the Prime Minister’s Office. Some assistant or something. A bit daft apparently. Didn’t even realise when Kingsley pulled the hair out. Though he’d just banged his head!”
Remus felt relieved as she laughed.
“Anyway Kingsley showed me a picture of the guy and I found a picture of this woman in the paper. I thought she’d match him so I copied her features. Can’t morph much more because of the baby. But I did a good job don’t you think? Don’t look like me at all!”
They lapsed into silence, both of them appearing to be awkward at the enforced closeness. Remus remembered other missions filled with laughter and teasing, part of him ached for that easy companionship but he realised that was impossible now. After a while Dora disturbed the silence with a huff and reached into her bag to get out a book. She shot him an amused look as she started reading.
“What’s the book about?” he asked falling for her obvious amusement at her reading material.
A wide smile filled her unfamiliar features and she laughed. “Oh some noble prat who thinks he’s too old, poor and dangerous to be loved.”
He returned her smile feeling somewhat uncomfortable at her comment and turned to look out the window.
A softer voice continued. “It’s about this kingdom and there’s a curse on the royal family. This guy’s been selected by the world’s gods to help remove the curse and it’s put him in some dangerous positions. It’s quite tense and sad in places. Reading about someone else’s problems can help you to forget about your own.”
He nodded and she returned her attention to the book. He pulled the newspaper out of the bag and lost himself in the muggle world’s problems for a while, acknowledging the truth of her comment.
After three changes of trains and two bumpy bus journeys they arrived in Godric’s Hollow. Walking through the village square they approached the memorial to the Potters. They stopped to observe it for a moment in silence.
“Look how small Harry looks. I can’t believe we’re...I’m... going to have one of those in a few months. Doesn’t seem real somehow. Come on let’s get to the pub. I’m starving.”
Remus watched in silence as she strode away. He’d left. He’d decided that she would be bringing up the child by herself but to hear her confirm it was a shock. It suddenly felt all the more real. That there would be a child in the world that was half his but that he would not be involved with. Looking up at the statue of James, it occurred to him that James would never have done that. James would have stood by Lily and Harry no matter what. He had stood by them no matter what, just as he had stood by Remus. James’ capacity for unconditional love was something he always aspired to. James never ran away from problems he addressed them head on. Not for the first time Remus wished his friend was there to advise him. He probably would have smacked his head, told him he was being stupid and that he should return to the wife he loved.
It was then Remus realised that, in a way, James had done that. He had done it through Harry. For the first time since he left Grimmauld Place Remus really considered his argument with Harry and recognised the truth in Harry’s words. He knew that Harry was right. His place was beside Dora and the baby. It didn’t matter now, the baby existed and he should stand by his wife and support her, even if it meant raising a young lycanthrope. In fact now he thought of it, surely it was right that he should be there for the baby. Who better to ensure its transformations were as pain free as possible. His heart ached as he pictured Dora cradling a small werewolf cub that snarled at her when she tried to give it comfort. The baby could take the Wolfsbane, he thought, it wouldn’t have to suffer as he did. Then maybe curl up with him and sleep the full moon away. He felt even more shame at his actions and only hoped that he would have a chance to apologise to him. Again the idea that he had lost Harry’s respect filled him full of self-reproach.
He was lost in thought until a slender hand on his arm distracted him. He covered her hand with his own unfamiliar one, wincing slightly at the sight of someone else’s hand on hers, even if it was only his own in disguise. So many emotions and thoughts were crowding his mind.
“Come on. It’s getting dark and we need to check in”
They arrived in their room and were confronted by a double bed. They both stood in silence looking at it.
“Sorry, but I couldn’t exactly ask for twin beds when we’re supposed to be a happy couple could I? We’re not going to be sleeping that much anyway. We can just take it in turns. It’s fine.”
It then occurred to Remus that this was the first time they had actually been completely alone together in private since he had left her with her parents. He suddenly felt all the more uncomfortable.
“Why did you come on this mission Dora?”
“I told you, don’t call me Dora! You lost that privilege the moment you left me at my parents and didn’t come back. I came on this mission because I can. Because this is probably the last time I can. In a couple of months I’m going to be very pregnant and I’ll be a liability to the Order. And then I’ll have a baby to look after on my own and I won’t be able to help.”
“So it wasn’t that you thought spending time together would make everything okay? That this mission reminded you of our first in Ireland and it would bring us back together?”
She turned to look at him eyes blazing, an unmistakeable Dora expression of determination crossing the unfamiliar features.
“How dare you! I’m not some soppy girl trying to win back her man! May I remind you I’m an Auror! Or I was. Anyway I’ve had it up to here with your noble complex. We’ve been through this before. Only a few months ago when Dumbledore died before we got married. I thought we’d got it all straight then! But it appears I was wrong. I know the pregnancy was a shock. It was to me too. I never planned on being a mum but now it’s happened I’m going to be the best damn mum I can. You see I don’t run for my challenges I look them head on and deal with it. In some ways you’re such a bloody coward! I’m going to get something to eat and then we’ll work out who takes first watch.”
She strode out of the room leaving Remus standing there speechless.
The watch that night was peaceful and they hardly spoke a word as they took it in turns to sleep. Remus was feeling guiltier by the minute, particularly as, when dressed in her pyjamas, her burgeoning baby bump was more clearly evident. They spent the next day apart as much as they could without attracting suspicion. They hadn’t talked much since their argument the previous evening, just comments on their mission and nothing about their personal difficulties. That day was Halloween. A day of feasting for wizarding folk but neither of them felt much like celebrating. The ruins of Lily and James’ house and their memorial in the village square were constant reminders of the sad events that had taken place on that day sixteen years earlier. At sundown they went to the churchyard where Lily and James were buried. As they stood in front of their graves, Remus felt Dora take his hand. He flinched at her touch.
“For goodness sake Remus! It’s an expression of comfort to a friend, not some come on from your ex-wife!”
Remus was startled at her reference to ex.
“You’re still my wife Dora.” He responded quietly.” You always will be. You can divorce me if you like. I won’t contest it. But I’ll always be married to you in my heart.”
“Why do you keep doing that Remus? I really want to hate you but I really can’t when you say things like that.”
They both turned to look at each other. The strangeness of their faces somehow made it easier for them both to speak their mind.
“I know you don’t want the baby. And I wasn’t sure if I did. But now I know that I do want it. I’m sorry if that’s cost me our marriage but this is more important.”
“I don’t know what to say Dora. It’s not that I don’t want the baby. It’s that I’m so scared that the baby will inherit my lycanthropy. You were right. I am a coward because I don’t know how to cope with that. And even if the baby is fine I won’t ever be able to provide for it the way a father should. I couldn’t stand by and watch my child be ashamed of me. But I don’t think it will come to that. I think I will die in this war. I’ve been so lucky so far, all my friends are gone and they were so much better men than me. Why should I survive? I just want to die a hero’s death to give you and our child something to be proud of.”
Dora’s eyes filled with tears. “Please don’t say that Remus. You do deserve to live. I hate that you hate yourself so much.”
At that moment a loud crash distracted them from their conversation. They ducked behind the gravestones and tried to get a look at their opposition. A number of Death Eaters were gathering in the graveyard, but no sign of Voldermort. The situation quickly turned into that of a battle as Death Eaters progressed further into the graveyard and there was no time to summon back-up. It was Remus and Tonks against the Death Eaters, fighting together as they always had. Even during the last year when they had been at odds regarding their relationship, they’d still been a fighting partnership when the situation required it. Curses were flying all around and there was much confusion. Wands were working feverishly, with curses and jinxes hitting both sides.
Suddenly, after fierce fighting for several minutes, the Death Eaters began to apparate away. They both ran forward to try and hit those remaining. One of them turned and shot a curse back at them. Remus’ heart stopped as the curse connected and Dora crumpled. He ran forward and caught her before she hit the ground. He closed his eyes in a silent prayer that she wasn’t....that she was still alive. He opened his eyes to find Dora looking up at him.
“It’s okay Remus. I’m fine. It hit my arm, nowhere else. It was the shock that made me fall. You were right. I shouldn’t have come.”
Remus released his tight hold on her as she struggled to sit up. Together they examined her arm. A large angry red mark had appeared but it had not broken the skin. They both released a sigh of relief.
“We should get back to the pub. I have some first-aid potions in my bag, they should fix it right up.”
“You should be checked over though. Just to be sure.”
Dora nodded. “Mum can do it when I get back. She’ll know what to check for.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Remus asked as he helped her to her feet.
“Honestly Remus you’re like an old woman fussing. I’m fine, nothing some Essence of Dittany and a good night’s sleep won’t fix anyway. Are all the Death Eaters gone?”
“I think so. No sign of Harry or you know who. Maybe we got it wrong. Maybe he never thought to come here tonight.”
“So what do we do now?” Dora asked as they made their way back out of the graveyard checking for Death Eaters as they went.
“We carry on. Keep doing what we can to help the Muggle-borns. Keep trying to anticipate where Harry might turn up so we can help him if we can. And try to keep ourselves safe. There’s nothing else we can do. And I’m not about to give up and let you-know-who win!”
“Me either! If something’s worth fighting for then you fight and you keep on fighting. No matter what.”
Remus was sure from the look on her face that she wasn’t just talking about the war and he felt some reassurance from that. That despite everything she was still fighting for them and always would. As they passed the ruins of the Potter’s home Dora stopped to look at the sign.
“I think we were right you know. I think Harry will come here sometime. Maybe we should leave a message for him.”
She pulled a quill out her pocket and wrote on the sign If you read this, Harry, we’re all behind you! Remus smiled, took the quill from her hand and wrote Good luck, Harry, wherever you are and Long live Harry Potter.* They stood and regarded their words for a moment in silence. Remus put his arm around her, drew her close, and placed a soft kiss against her head.
“Come on. Let’s get some sleep. Then we can go home.”
They arrived back at the Tonks’ house later the following day. Both Ted and Andromeda regarded Remus with suspicion but also welcomed him back into their home. Remus watched as Andromeda examined Dora for further injuries and performed basic checks on the health of the child. It seemed that they both would be okay and Remus released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Andromeda ordered Dora to bed, rest being what she needed for a full recovery. Remus sat at the side of the bed, watching her sleep and holding her hand in his.
He was awoken the next morning by the feeling of soft fingers stroking his hair. He raised his head from its sleeping position on the side of the bed to find Dora smiling softly at him.
“You’re here.” She said dreamily.
“Yes. Would you rather I wasn’t?”
“No”, she answered determinedly, “I married you because I wanted to be next to you always. Why did you marry me?”
He paused and then replied. “Marrying you was the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. I married you because the thought of existing without you seemed completely impossible. I’ve made such a mess of everything, but I’ve never been as scared as I was to see that curse hit you. For a moment I thought I’d lost you, both of you.”
As he spoke he moved his hand somewhat nervously to her slightly curving stomach. She covered his hand with her own. She met his eyes and he could see the fear in hers as she took a deep breath.
“The baby. Is it ok? I was so tired when Mum checked me over last night. I thought she said so but...”
“Yes, the baby’s okay. Perfectly healthy. No damage done.” He paused unsure if he should say what he wanted to say next. “I know that after everything I have no right to ask. But you really do need to take care of yourself now. No more charging into battle.”
She bit her lip and nodded. “I know. I’m going to be a mum and that’s the most important thing I’ll ever do. I’ll take a step back from the frontline from now on I promise.”
She went quiet again, looked thoughtful for a moment and then looked up at him fearfully.
“What about us? Are you...are you going away again? Because I can’t keep doing this. I love you so much but the baby has to come first. Either you’re here to stay or....”
Tears flowed down her cheeks and Remus smoothed them away with his thumbs.
“I’m still terrified that I’ll hurt you. And I’m more scared than I can say that the baby will suffer because of my condition. But I can’t be anywhere else. My fears are not going to go away. I don’t think I’ll ever feel good enough for you. But what we have is worth fighting for and I promise I will keep fighting.”
He softly kissed her forehead and as he pulled back, she leant in and caught his lips with hers.
A few days later Remus had returned again to his parents’ house. This time with Dora in tow and the intention of creating a family home for their baby. Remus sat back in his mother’s old favourite chair looking out the window down to the beach where waves were softly lapping the shore.
“A Knut for them.”
At Dora’s voice he turned to find her standing in the doorway holding a steaming mug.
“I was just thinking about the future. About our baby.”
She smiled and walked over to him and offered the mug to him. “Cuppa?”
“Thanks.” He smiled as he took the mug from her. “I should be making this for you.”
She huffed. “Honestly Remus, how many times? I’m pregnant not ill! I can still take care of myself and my husband! Anyway in five months time when I’m huge and waddling around I’ll expect you to wait on me hand and foot!”
They shared a smile and he replied whilst laying his free hand on her stomach.
“I can hardly wait.”
“Me either. Now budge up.”
Remus squeezed up, Dora sat next to him and leant her head on his shoulder. They both gazed out of the window and wondered what the world was going to throw at them next. But for the moment they were safe, they were together and they were going to have a baby.
The End.
* Wording of their notes on the sign in Godric's Hollow from Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, page 272, UK Hardback Edition.
Author: katyscarlett76
Rating & Warnings: PG-13
Prompts: Polyjuice Potion, Godric’s Hollow, romance or general
Format & Word Count: Fic/ 5058 words
Summary: After his confrontation with Harry at Grimmauld Place Remus is filled with anger and regret. An Order mission with his estranged wife helps him to get his priorities straight.
Author’s Notes: My first R/T in quite a while, hopefully I’ve done them justice. This fic can be read as a stand-alone but there are references to Remus’ childhood home from my fics What Matters Most and A Fireside Chat and their first mission together from A Walk in the Woods. Skating close to the deadline (as always) so this is unbetaed therefore all feedback is welcomed.
Worth Fighting For
Slamming the door to Number 12, Remus’ mind whirled as he fumed.
How dare he! I can’t believe I just did that! He doesn’t understand. He can’t understand. I’m a monster. I’m not a coward. How dare he….
Leaving Grimmauld Place Remus was shaking with anger but he also had a feeling of guilt. He should not have cursed Harry. Harry was only trying to help. But Harry could not understand and Remus should never have expected him to.
After his confrontation with Harry had gone so wrong Remus spent couple of weeks drifting. Moving from place to place, and fighting with everything that crossed his path. So full of anger and filled with anxiety for his wife. Although he was sure she was better off without him, he missed her terribly. The brief few weeks together since Dumbledore’s death felt like a dream.
When he thought of how coldly he’d spoken of Dora to Harry, he felt sick. He loved her dearly, he did, but he was sure that Harry would never have seen that. That Harry could see him as a man who would marry someone, conceive a child with them, but not love them, chilled him to the bone. More so than the argument or the hexing, it was how Harry now saw him that pained him most. He had thought that Harry respected him, liked him even and the thought that he may have lost that scared him. He knew he was right though. Harry didn’t understand the reality.
There was no circumstance that would end well. Either the child would be a werewolf and would blame him for the condition or the child would be healthy and would despise him for being a werewolf. They would be better off without him. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t miss Dora; that he didn’t think about her every day. During the day he could keep moving, keep fighting and forget what he was missing but at night his dreams haunted him. He just had to keep going, keep fighting and it would ease. If he died in the fight then maybe his child would be able to be proud of his memory instead of ashamed of his existence.
When he grew tired of fighting and the full moon loomed ahead, he returned to his parents’ house at St Bee’s Head. He'd given the tenants notice to leave just after Dumbledore's death, when he realised that the house would become a sitting target for Death Eaters. Better he live there under the Fidelius Charm than leave Muggles there unprotected. He had planned to return there with Dora, to begin building a life together until events had over-taken them and now he was back here alone. He made a mental note to ask Bill or Arthur to act as Secret Keeper for him at the next Order meeting. He went up to the attic to retrieve his parent’s furniture and belongings. As he returned them to their proper place, his thoughts turned again to Dora and how he had hoped to be doing this with her. Now he knew that had just been a pipe-dream and one he long since should have given up. Still, he pictured her in the house bustling around, adding her own colourful belongings to his. He pictured her smiling at him hands smoothing over a belly filled with their child. His thoughts then leapt to the future, to a small boy with Dora’s smile and his eyes running around these rooms as he once had. He saw himself taking his son to picnic and walk on the beach as he had with his father. The images were both intoxicating and upsetting. He would never have that. He didn’t deserve it. He was reminded of images from his dreams of Dora angry and crying. Images of a small body breaking and transforming. A small boy with a terrified look on his face and then an older child with the terror replaced by a look of contempt. It was all too much.
Remus summoned the muggle bottle of whisky that had been left by the tenants. It wasn’t as strong as firewhisky but it would do the trick. Closing his eyes he sank into a chair and proceeded to drink until he passed out. His despair was absolute and in some ways he hardly cared whether he ever awoke again, maybe that would be better all round.
Then one morning he awoke to a patronus from Arthur calling him to an emergency meeting at The Burrow and telling him to check the Daily Prophet. He felt disgusting, his head banging and his stomach churning. He hadn’t washed or shaved in weeks, in fact since the morning of Bill and Fleur’s wedding and he stank. Merlin, I’m turning into Dung, he laughed to himself as he dragged himself upstairs for a shower. Staring at his unshaven red eyed face in the mirror he decided to pull himself together. The patronus had given him a purpose for the first time in days. He may have irrevocably screwed up his life and the two people who meant most to him may hate him now but he could still help the Order. The least he could leave his child would be the knowledge that his father worked on the right side during the war, if nothing else.
Once he felt more ready to face the world, he apparated to the nearest wizarding settlement and, disguising himself the best he could, purchased a Daily Prophet from the local shop. As he shook open the folded paper he was confronted with Harry and Hermione’s pictures and the headline “Trespass at the Ministry”. He hurried over to the shelter of a nearby muggle cafe to read. He found himself smiling at the Prophet’s description of the teens as “dangerous” and of the havoc they had caused.
Sirius, he thought, you would have loved this.
As Remus arrived on the lane near The Burrow for the Order meeting he saw the unmistakeable form of Dora walking up the path. As she neared him her eyes narrowed.
“So still alive then I see.”
“Yes, Dora I...”
“Where you ever planning on coming home?”
At his silence she nodded. “No. I didn’t think so. And don’t call me Dora.”
She turned and walked through the gate into the house. Remus followed in silence. The meeting that followed was tense. They were sitting on opposite sides of the room to each other but he could feel her eyes on him constantly.
The Order discussed the Trio’s recent Ministry exploits. Various theories were put forward for what they might be doing there, each more ridiculous than the last. Remus felt something tugging at his brain though, something that told him the ‘theft’ of Umbridge’s locket (the fact of which had been splashed over the latest addition of the paper) was important. That it had to do with Dumbledore’s blackened hand and the ring he’d worn during the last few months of his life. But Remus’ head was heavy and full of too many thoughts to make sense of them. The Order all agreed that they needed to be on hand to back the Trio up whenever possible. It was considered that a presence in Godric’s Hollow on Halloween would be advisable considering its importance to Harry and to Voldemort. It was agreed that two members should go, scope out the area with the rest on standby in case of a fight. Remus volunteered himself without hesitation. But then Dora raised her hand as his companion. He could feel the entirety of the Order watching his reaction. Remus met her eyes trying to tell her it wasn’t a good idea. She just stared him down. The fire in her eyes telling him it wasn’t his choice anymore, but he had to try.
“Isn’t there anyone else? I’m not sure that Tonks”, he winced at using her former last name rather than the pet name of Dora, “is the right choice for this mission”.
The Order turned to see Dora’s response. She stood, slamming her hand down on the table.
“Don’t you dare! You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore Lupin! I’m going on this mission and if you don’t like it then you change! Anyway there is no-one else. Hestia’s busy with the Dursleys. Molly and Fleur are both involved with other missions. I’m the only one not involved in something else on that night. And I’m the only one trained in combat. If Death Eaters show up you need me. So I’m going!”
The Order all gasped at the cold tone of her voice. She sat back down, arms crossed over her chest staring determinedly at him. Remus bowed his head in submission.
The meeting ended with Molly offering her usual offer of dinner to all members. Most declined her offer eager to get home quickly. Remus debated whether to stay, whilst the offer of hot meal was attractive, he didn’t relish the cross-examination that would accompany it. Before he could answer, Dora did.
“No ta Molly. I must get back. Mum’ll be worried.”
As she stood and stretched Remus’ eyes were transfixed by the slight curve of her belly, the first outward sign of her pregnancy. A curve seemingly not noticed by the rest of the Order, although Remus had thought he’d seen Molly’s eyes widen slightly. She hadn’t said anything to either of them though, possibly too shocked by the cold way they had addressed each other. Dora hugged Molly and then brushed past Remus on her way to the door.
“I’ll fix the details for the mission and owl you.”
Remus nodded and watched as she exchanged goodbyes and good wishes with remaining Order members as she left.
On the morning of 30th October Remus took the first dose of the polyjuice potion and inspected his new image in the mirror. The man looking back was mildly handsome in a public schoolboy kind of way with short wavy black hair, dark eyes and a genial expression. He was shorter and chunkier than Remus and had a general air of self-assurance that was more like Sirius than Remus. It was a good choice.
They were to be disguised as a muggle couple and Dora had invented entire histories for them. Elizabeth and William Johnson newlyweds taking weekend walking break. Remus smiled slightly as the cover reminded him of their first undercover mission together in Ireland. This one though was altogether more dangerous. They were to take muggle transport to the village (which would maintain their cover as well as being necessary as it was unwise to apparate in pregnancy) and stay in the local pub.
He arrived at Euston Station with time to spare so browsed the shops purchasing a muggle newspaper for the journey with the muggle money he’d received along with the polyjuice potion. He then awaited Dora’s arrival at the appropriate spot. Not long after a young woman arrived, dressed fairly conservatively in jeans and a plain fitted t-shirt, a rucksack over her back and a jacket tied around her waist. Her long dark hair fell around her shoulders with a fringe emphasising her green-blue eyes. She was a posh-girl-jolly-hockey-sticks kind of pretty with a wide smile. When her eyes locked on his he didn’t need the whispered “wotcher” to know that this was the morphed form of his wife. His eyes scanned her figure noting that it appeared to be her own; pregnancy restricting her morphing. He was unable to stop a smile forming as his eyes rested on the slight curve of her belly.
As they boarded a train to Birmingham, Dora filled him in on the travel arrangements.
“So we take this train to Birmingham. Then change to one to Bristol where we change to one for Cardiff. Then we take a local train out into the sticks and take a couple of buses to get to Godric’s Hollow. A bit long-winded but better safe than sorry.”
“Very vigilant. Mad-Eye would be proud of you.” He smiled.
Dora’s face fell at the mention of her late mentor. Remus could have kicked himself for mentioning him.
“So this is a great new look for me don’t you think? I feel very Brideshead Revisited.”
“That’s the Muggle book about the posh kids at Oxford right? Kingsley got the hair from some guy who comes into the Prime Minister’s Office. Some assistant or something. A bit daft apparently. Didn’t even realise when Kingsley pulled the hair out. Though he’d just banged his head!”
Remus felt relieved as she laughed.
“Anyway Kingsley showed me a picture of the guy and I found a picture of this woman in the paper. I thought she’d match him so I copied her features. Can’t morph much more because of the baby. But I did a good job don’t you think? Don’t look like me at all!”
They lapsed into silence, both of them appearing to be awkward at the enforced closeness. Remus remembered other missions filled with laughter and teasing, part of him ached for that easy companionship but he realised that was impossible now. After a while Dora disturbed the silence with a huff and reached into her bag to get out a book. She shot him an amused look as she started reading.
“What’s the book about?” he asked falling for her obvious amusement at her reading material.
A wide smile filled her unfamiliar features and she laughed. “Oh some noble prat who thinks he’s too old, poor and dangerous to be loved.”
He returned her smile feeling somewhat uncomfortable at her comment and turned to look out the window.
A softer voice continued. “It’s about this kingdom and there’s a curse on the royal family. This guy’s been selected by the world’s gods to help remove the curse and it’s put him in some dangerous positions. It’s quite tense and sad in places. Reading about someone else’s problems can help you to forget about your own.”
He nodded and she returned her attention to the book. He pulled the newspaper out of the bag and lost himself in the muggle world’s problems for a while, acknowledging the truth of her comment.
After three changes of trains and two bumpy bus journeys they arrived in Godric’s Hollow. Walking through the village square they approached the memorial to the Potters. They stopped to observe it for a moment in silence.
“Look how small Harry looks. I can’t believe we’re...I’m... going to have one of those in a few months. Doesn’t seem real somehow. Come on let’s get to the pub. I’m starving.”
Remus watched in silence as she strode away. He’d left. He’d decided that she would be bringing up the child by herself but to hear her confirm it was a shock. It suddenly felt all the more real. That there would be a child in the world that was half his but that he would not be involved with. Looking up at the statue of James, it occurred to him that James would never have done that. James would have stood by Lily and Harry no matter what. He had stood by them no matter what, just as he had stood by Remus. James’ capacity for unconditional love was something he always aspired to. James never ran away from problems he addressed them head on. Not for the first time Remus wished his friend was there to advise him. He probably would have smacked his head, told him he was being stupid and that he should return to the wife he loved.
It was then Remus realised that, in a way, James had done that. He had done it through Harry. For the first time since he left Grimmauld Place Remus really considered his argument with Harry and recognised the truth in Harry’s words. He knew that Harry was right. His place was beside Dora and the baby. It didn’t matter now, the baby existed and he should stand by his wife and support her, even if it meant raising a young lycanthrope. In fact now he thought of it, surely it was right that he should be there for the baby. Who better to ensure its transformations were as pain free as possible. His heart ached as he pictured Dora cradling a small werewolf cub that snarled at her when she tried to give it comfort. The baby could take the Wolfsbane, he thought, it wouldn’t have to suffer as he did. Then maybe curl up with him and sleep the full moon away. He felt even more shame at his actions and only hoped that he would have a chance to apologise to him. Again the idea that he had lost Harry’s respect filled him full of self-reproach.
He was lost in thought until a slender hand on his arm distracted him. He covered her hand with his own unfamiliar one, wincing slightly at the sight of someone else’s hand on hers, even if it was only his own in disguise. So many emotions and thoughts were crowding his mind.
“Come on. It’s getting dark and we need to check in”
They arrived in their room and were confronted by a double bed. They both stood in silence looking at it.
“Sorry, but I couldn’t exactly ask for twin beds when we’re supposed to be a happy couple could I? We’re not going to be sleeping that much anyway. We can just take it in turns. It’s fine.”
It then occurred to Remus that this was the first time they had actually been completely alone together in private since he had left her with her parents. He suddenly felt all the more uncomfortable.
“Why did you come on this mission Dora?”
“I told you, don’t call me Dora! You lost that privilege the moment you left me at my parents and didn’t come back. I came on this mission because I can. Because this is probably the last time I can. In a couple of months I’m going to be very pregnant and I’ll be a liability to the Order. And then I’ll have a baby to look after on my own and I won’t be able to help.”
“So it wasn’t that you thought spending time together would make everything okay? That this mission reminded you of our first in Ireland and it would bring us back together?”
She turned to look at him eyes blazing, an unmistakeable Dora expression of determination crossing the unfamiliar features.
“How dare you! I’m not some soppy girl trying to win back her man! May I remind you I’m an Auror! Or I was. Anyway I’ve had it up to here with your noble complex. We’ve been through this before. Only a few months ago when Dumbledore died before we got married. I thought we’d got it all straight then! But it appears I was wrong. I know the pregnancy was a shock. It was to me too. I never planned on being a mum but now it’s happened I’m going to be the best damn mum I can. You see I don’t run for my challenges I look them head on and deal with it. In some ways you’re such a bloody coward! I’m going to get something to eat and then we’ll work out who takes first watch.”
She strode out of the room leaving Remus standing there speechless.
The watch that night was peaceful and they hardly spoke a word as they took it in turns to sleep. Remus was feeling guiltier by the minute, particularly as, when dressed in her pyjamas, her burgeoning baby bump was more clearly evident. They spent the next day apart as much as they could without attracting suspicion. They hadn’t talked much since their argument the previous evening, just comments on their mission and nothing about their personal difficulties. That day was Halloween. A day of feasting for wizarding folk but neither of them felt much like celebrating. The ruins of Lily and James’ house and their memorial in the village square were constant reminders of the sad events that had taken place on that day sixteen years earlier. At sundown they went to the churchyard where Lily and James were buried. As they stood in front of their graves, Remus felt Dora take his hand. He flinched at her touch.
“For goodness sake Remus! It’s an expression of comfort to a friend, not some come on from your ex-wife!”
Remus was startled at her reference to ex.
“You’re still my wife Dora.” He responded quietly.” You always will be. You can divorce me if you like. I won’t contest it. But I’ll always be married to you in my heart.”
“Why do you keep doing that Remus? I really want to hate you but I really can’t when you say things like that.”
They both turned to look at each other. The strangeness of their faces somehow made it easier for them both to speak their mind.
“I know you don’t want the baby. And I wasn’t sure if I did. But now I know that I do want it. I’m sorry if that’s cost me our marriage but this is more important.”
“I don’t know what to say Dora. It’s not that I don’t want the baby. It’s that I’m so scared that the baby will inherit my lycanthropy. You were right. I am a coward because I don’t know how to cope with that. And even if the baby is fine I won’t ever be able to provide for it the way a father should. I couldn’t stand by and watch my child be ashamed of me. But I don’t think it will come to that. I think I will die in this war. I’ve been so lucky so far, all my friends are gone and they were so much better men than me. Why should I survive? I just want to die a hero’s death to give you and our child something to be proud of.”
Dora’s eyes filled with tears. “Please don’t say that Remus. You do deserve to live. I hate that you hate yourself so much.”
At that moment a loud crash distracted them from their conversation. They ducked behind the gravestones and tried to get a look at their opposition. A number of Death Eaters were gathering in the graveyard, but no sign of Voldermort. The situation quickly turned into that of a battle as Death Eaters progressed further into the graveyard and there was no time to summon back-up. It was Remus and Tonks against the Death Eaters, fighting together as they always had. Even during the last year when they had been at odds regarding their relationship, they’d still been a fighting partnership when the situation required it. Curses were flying all around and there was much confusion. Wands were working feverishly, with curses and jinxes hitting both sides.
Suddenly, after fierce fighting for several minutes, the Death Eaters began to apparate away. They both ran forward to try and hit those remaining. One of them turned and shot a curse back at them. Remus’ heart stopped as the curse connected and Dora crumpled. He ran forward and caught her before she hit the ground. He closed his eyes in a silent prayer that she wasn’t....that she was still alive. He opened his eyes to find Dora looking up at him.
“It’s okay Remus. I’m fine. It hit my arm, nowhere else. It was the shock that made me fall. You were right. I shouldn’t have come.”
Remus released his tight hold on her as she struggled to sit up. Together they examined her arm. A large angry red mark had appeared but it had not broken the skin. They both released a sigh of relief.
“We should get back to the pub. I have some first-aid potions in my bag, they should fix it right up.”
“You should be checked over though. Just to be sure.”
Dora nodded. “Mum can do it when I get back. She’ll know what to check for.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Remus asked as he helped her to her feet.
“Honestly Remus you’re like an old woman fussing. I’m fine, nothing some Essence of Dittany and a good night’s sleep won’t fix anyway. Are all the Death Eaters gone?”
“I think so. No sign of Harry or you know who. Maybe we got it wrong. Maybe he never thought to come here tonight.”
“So what do we do now?” Dora asked as they made their way back out of the graveyard checking for Death Eaters as they went.
“We carry on. Keep doing what we can to help the Muggle-borns. Keep trying to anticipate where Harry might turn up so we can help him if we can. And try to keep ourselves safe. There’s nothing else we can do. And I’m not about to give up and let you-know-who win!”
“Me either! If something’s worth fighting for then you fight and you keep on fighting. No matter what.”
Remus was sure from the look on her face that she wasn’t just talking about the war and he felt some reassurance from that. That despite everything she was still fighting for them and always would. As they passed the ruins of the Potter’s home Dora stopped to look at the sign.
“I think we were right you know. I think Harry will come here sometime. Maybe we should leave a message for him.”
She pulled a quill out her pocket and wrote on the sign If you read this, Harry, we’re all behind you! Remus smiled, took the quill from her hand and wrote Good luck, Harry, wherever you are and Long live Harry Potter.* They stood and regarded their words for a moment in silence. Remus put his arm around her, drew her close, and placed a soft kiss against her head.
“Come on. Let’s get some sleep. Then we can go home.”
They arrived back at the Tonks’ house later the following day. Both Ted and Andromeda regarded Remus with suspicion but also welcomed him back into their home. Remus watched as Andromeda examined Dora for further injuries and performed basic checks on the health of the child. It seemed that they both would be okay and Remus released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Andromeda ordered Dora to bed, rest being what she needed for a full recovery. Remus sat at the side of the bed, watching her sleep and holding her hand in his.
He was awoken the next morning by the feeling of soft fingers stroking his hair. He raised his head from its sleeping position on the side of the bed to find Dora smiling softly at him.
“You’re here.” She said dreamily.
“Yes. Would you rather I wasn’t?”
“No”, she answered determinedly, “I married you because I wanted to be next to you always. Why did you marry me?”
He paused and then replied. “Marrying you was the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. I married you because the thought of existing without you seemed completely impossible. I’ve made such a mess of everything, but I’ve never been as scared as I was to see that curse hit you. For a moment I thought I’d lost you, both of you.”
As he spoke he moved his hand somewhat nervously to her slightly curving stomach. She covered his hand with her own. She met his eyes and he could see the fear in hers as she took a deep breath.
“The baby. Is it ok? I was so tired when Mum checked me over last night. I thought she said so but...”
“Yes, the baby’s okay. Perfectly healthy. No damage done.” He paused unsure if he should say what he wanted to say next. “I know that after everything I have no right to ask. But you really do need to take care of yourself now. No more charging into battle.”
She bit her lip and nodded. “I know. I’m going to be a mum and that’s the most important thing I’ll ever do. I’ll take a step back from the frontline from now on I promise.”
She went quiet again, looked thoughtful for a moment and then looked up at him fearfully.
“What about us? Are you...are you going away again? Because I can’t keep doing this. I love you so much but the baby has to come first. Either you’re here to stay or....”
Tears flowed down her cheeks and Remus smoothed them away with his thumbs.
“I’m still terrified that I’ll hurt you. And I’m more scared than I can say that the baby will suffer because of my condition. But I can’t be anywhere else. My fears are not going to go away. I don’t think I’ll ever feel good enough for you. But what we have is worth fighting for and I promise I will keep fighting.”
He softly kissed her forehead and as he pulled back, she leant in and caught his lips with hers.
A few days later Remus had returned again to his parents’ house. This time with Dora in tow and the intention of creating a family home for their baby. Remus sat back in his mother’s old favourite chair looking out the window down to the beach where waves were softly lapping the shore.
“A Knut for them.”
At Dora’s voice he turned to find her standing in the doorway holding a steaming mug.
“I was just thinking about the future. About our baby.”
She smiled and walked over to him and offered the mug to him. “Cuppa?”
“Thanks.” He smiled as he took the mug from her. “I should be making this for you.”
She huffed. “Honestly Remus, how many times? I’m pregnant not ill! I can still take care of myself and my husband! Anyway in five months time when I’m huge and waddling around I’ll expect you to wait on me hand and foot!”
They shared a smile and he replied whilst laying his free hand on her stomach.
“I can hardly wait.”
“Me either. Now budge up.”
Remus squeezed up, Dora sat next to him and leant her head on his shoulder. They both gazed out of the window and wondered what the world was going to throw at them next. But for the moment they were safe, they were together and they were going to have a baby.
The End.
* Wording of their notes on the sign in Godric's Hollow from Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, page 272, UK Hardback Edition.