On News Site Comments

[kit_maxel]

misslynx, in response to, "never read the comments on newspaper articles. Ever." QWP almost in entirety.

That is good advice for anyone, anywhere. But especially for anyone who's already feeling "kind of rage-y" (a quote from the comic). Because reading them even if you're feeling as calm as a Zen monk will make you rage-y, and if you're rage-y to start with, you will probably find yourself up in a clocktower with the projectile weapon of your choice. (I've always figured I'll opt for a crossbow when that day comes. Crossbows are cool.)

I've also sometimes thought that if I were a better programmer, it would be entertaining to write a script that would automatically generate comments on news articles. People could use it on newly launched sites, to make them look more popular. And it would be really easy to make the comments look authentic. It would work kind of like this:

1. Begin new comment.
2. Scan article's content.
3. If there is any reference to a politician in the article, check database for that politician's predecessor and insert generic rant about how everything has gone to hell since $current_politician got elected/appointed/inherited the throne/whatever (as appropriate to role), and things were so much better when $former_politician was in power.
4. If the article contains any reference to anything remotely health-related, 75% of the time insert a generic rant about how terrible the health care system of the country the article relates to is. 25% of the time insert a generic rant about how they're lucky not to be in $some_other_country where everything is worse. 33% of the time, in either case, include some random references to "Big Pharma".
5. If the article contains any reference to anyone with a surname from a culture not dominant in the country it refers to, insert a generic rant about illegal immigrants.
6. If the article contains any reference to the economy, 75% of the time insert a rant about how it's all the fault of $current_government taxing private enterprise excessively. 25% of the time insert a rant about how it's all the fault of large corporations.
7. If the article contains any reference to anything environmental, 60% of the time insert a rant about how it's all a scam to make money for the government. 30% of the time insert a rant about how the world is going to hell unless we all wake up and do something. 10% of the time, insert a rant about how clearly the End Times are here and we must all accept Jesus into our hearts.
8. If the article mentions scientific research in any way, after inserting the appropriate rant depending on the subject of the research, include some random references to scientists all being corrupt, and be sure to put "scientists" and/or "research" in quotes. 
9. If the article includes any reference to any form of misfortune or calamity happening to anyone, include a rant about how it's all their fault and they should have known better, regardless of what it is.
10. Close comment.
11. Then, 60% of the time, automatically generate a follow-up comment arguing the exact opposite of whatever comment the program just posted.
12. Loop a random number of times.
13. Bonus customizations for specific countries:
14. • If the news site is located in the US, 25% of the time insert a rant about the current president, health care, or illegal immigrants even if the article has nothing to do with any of these topics at all. 
    • If the news site is Canada, do the same with the current prime minister, Quebec and/or bilingualism, and American influence in Canada.
    • (People from other countries can undoubtedly think of appropriate customizations for theirs.