Now for an ACTUAL post.
Having been thoroughly amused by my knowledge of random humanities....i was inspired to start a-blogging.
I've kinda been curious about my lack of interest in my livejournal. I remember the good ole days where i would just troll around on here just waiting for people to post things and let me have an opinion about things. I'm sure this is all a part of growing up, and now that I don't veil my feelings toward some boy and hope that he will get the coded messages I'm sending out, I don't have much else to troll here about. That having been said, I may start a different blog the represents more of the current me than the former me. I go through this on average about every 4 years or so, and I'm about due. Mostly because of all the rampant alone time i've had and strategically enforced. (You may have noticed....if not, i'll explain momentarily.)
I've noticed recently how I have been by myself a lot more frequently than i used to be. There are a lot of factors influencing this. There have been a lot of family things going on, along with Nine, work, money drama, apartment drama, and a general distaste with many things happening at the moment. All of which i will go more in depth with. Therefore, in an effort to keep myself from the descent into what inevitably always ends up in a retreat into my shell, I'm going to go into all of it...and hope that I come out on the other side a little less weighed down by the world on my shoulders.
I don't even know where to start, to be honest. There's a lot, and I have taken the brunt of it on myself...hence why i've felt less than festive. I guess i could start with family since that's the most pressing on my decisions at the moment. As few know, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a month and a half ago, i think. Maybe a little more. It explained a lot of issues she had been having that i had been turning a blind eye to....partially because i don't like to think of my highly intelligent grandmother being reduced in any way...partially because it just brings a lot of stuff up in terms of family that i've always run away from. When my aunt Krista died in 2002, it was probably the single most jarring experience of my life. One day started as per usual, then while i was at work, someone came and notified me that she had been randomly found dead on the highway. We still don't know why she left home or why she was out on I-75 after abandoning her car. Now the thing is about me and Krista is that we really were very similar in terms of the family. No one really got us. of her three sisters, she was the youngest whom everyone felt compelled to have a say in what she did with her life. Yes, she made some bad choices, but that doesn't mean the rest of the family was then obliged to make her decisions for her. I will never forget once when I was about 16 i think, i was getting ready to watch a movie, and Krista interrupted me....she wanted to talk, and frankly at the time i was a little irritated. She proceeded to confide in me a lot about her life that i had never heard.
Now, at this point, it stands to explain my position in our family...on my mom's side. I was the youngest of 7 of us in our generation for about 13 years. For the most part, i've spent my life as an observer...seen as too young for anyone to explain any of what happened in the family, so i was resigned to pretty much sit in obliviousness....but i got to hear how my family felt about each other...the things they would say...and they pretty much saw Krista the same way. Here i was suddenly hearing about her life as i had never heard it before. I wish with all my being that i had been more engaged with her that night, because i learned so much...and she grew to trust me. We just never got to talk about it again because 2 years later she was gone.
What does all that have to do with anything? I don't know. It may not be important....but I just don't want to make that mistake again. Here we are again with a really hardcore family challenge ahead of us. My younger cousins, Krista's sons who are 10 and 13, are currently under the care of my grandparents, and clearly that's not going to work with my grandmother getting worse very quickly and my grandpa's diabetes getting harder and harder to control. Mom is gearing up towards adopting the kids, but my dad is being an asshole about it. He didn't like having me and my sister.....so you can imagine what he feels about inviting another set of pre-teens into his precious house. at every turn he's complaining about someone touching his precious audio visual components, and my cousins are obsessed with everything video game, tv, or computer related. Needless to say, there's a rocky road ahead for that situation. So. Enter my predicament. I'm moving down to Tampa in 7 months as soon as my lease is up to live with them....mostly to help mom juggle the task of dealing with my selfish ass of a father, continuing the raising of a couple of kids, and caring for my grandparents. I have to start planning now, because i would really like to keep my job....seeing as it pays so well, but there are no guarantees. however, once down there, i don't have food, utilities, or rent to deal with...so there's something.
I'm trying really hard to keep the positives in sight....i don't want to be a selfish ass and go off on my own immediately to pursue my murky goals when there is so much to do there. but, i don't want to put off my goals any longer than i already have. There are a lot of things i'm just going to have to sacrifice...if only to assuage that horrible feeling I get when I think of how I saw my aunt as an irritation rather than someone with whom i could have a connection. I guess it's just one of those things death does to us. Makes things a lot clearer after the fact.
So....there's one part. just one.
There's so much going on, i've even been sitting here considering breaking it up in stages.....
but you know what...? fuck it. if you like...leave and come back to wherever you left off. I'm pretty sure if i don't get it all out now, it'll just sit in there for a few more months until my brain explodes or something.
Kitty is giving me cuddles...I love her. Might have to give her up to move in with my parents....I'm trying not to even think about that. I don't even wanna think about what all this time would have been like without her. boo on that.
hmm. another part. money i suppose...and that has been an amusing thing albeit aneurysm inducing. I'll be completely honest....yesterday was the first time i spent more than $30 on food since...probably.....September. I eat once or twice a day....and that is usually either ramen or pasta, or some sort of rice concoction. I feel horrible because of it. my credit cards are ALL maxed out....and i almost overdrafted my bank account twice because of rent. So...there it is. The past....3 months in Amanda's world....financially. thanks to finally getting that promotion, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but seriously, it's dim...and small. I have to deal with the knowledge that I have seriously phoned in my life for the past couple of years....and it's gonna take me way longer than that to recover. I'm terrified that my family is going to find out how bad it really is and think i'm a failure. I feel like one. Every day. I'm too smart for this...i was raised too well for this. It shouldn't have been this bad. Every time i seriously take a look at my situation, my ego smacks me upside the head and shouts "WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?!?!"
Of course i know it could be worse....much worse. There are a host of things that could be going wrong right now that aren't. and.......weirdly enough thinking that just made me feel a bit better. Weird. huh. interesting. I swear to god i'm some form of weird psycho. You guys don't even know how randomly my moods and feelings fluctuate. Most of the time i keep it under control because i don't want to be a crazy....but i'm pretty sure i have the hormonal levels of a pregnant woman. i feel like my emotional dial is always to eleven....so i have to compensate by shutting it all off so i can get a rational thought in edgewise. Of course, i think if i were crazy, i wouldn't be able to do that. So what the hell....?
speaking of hormones....enter part number 3. I've gone back into that irritating phase where i seem to think i need a boyfriend or something. I'm starting to loathe sleeping alone....doing everything alone, and having no one but my cat to cuddle with. This happens periodically...and by periodically i mean once every year or so....then it lasts until i find someone to help me deal with it. I'm starting to think i might wanna get on that before i get to my parents....because all that shit is going straight out the window. To explain that, my family is very....conservative. like......ridiculously so. To the point that i don't make sense...and yet i do. they're very liberal about a lot of things...but not about things like sex, drugs, and alcohol. I mean, yeah my mom will partake of the liquors every so often, but not nearly as often as i do. they are all a family of sex after marriage and no swearing in the house. And since i didn't really date when i was living with them before, should i decide to partake of a relationship while living there.....it would be like being in high school all over again.....and no thanks.
the trouble is, i've found i have a tendency to domesticate men i thought were otherwise only interested in a superficial relationship....and vice versa. So trying to get involved with someone while i'm still in Tallahassee will likely go one of two ways: either i'm going to be just about sex and cuddles and he'll go all "relationshipy" on me...or he'll make me go all emotional and relationshipy and all he'll want is my body. Either way...unpleasant for me. I mean, things are getting really special. To the point that the other day i was like "hey maybe i should get in contact with Krishna and see if we can be friends".
Yes...i'm pretty sure i've gone insane. i know i thought that because i was like...hmmmm maybe he'd sense our connection and then we could be friends again...with all the unpleasantness put behind us....but all the time knowing good and damn well that would NEVER happen. Not to mention, even if it did, we would never be able to keep it at just friends. If we could have done that, none of the unpleasantness would have happened in the first place. Truth be told, i don't know what the hell i want. It usually takes me a while to get used to the idea that some part of me craves companionship all of a sudden. I tend to limit my attractions to those i know for a fact share my interests...and Tallahassee's arts community is a little......incestuous. Or those i would even consider being interested in are already taken.
and enter part number 4. I've finally gotten myself back into performing, and thanks to work, i'm pretty sure i'm gonna have to decline the shows that i really really wanna do. Parade, for instance. I want so badly to do that show, but now i work in BFE north of town, plus i have a somewhat unyielding boss, so i don't think he'd be willing to change my schedule. Not to mention i think my car is two seconds from just dropping all its internal components on the road, so i'm not positive it could make the trips out to Quincy. Sad really...because there's a role in it designed for me. "African American female." I can't lose. HAHA.
but, work is really the catalyst for everything that appears to be improving in my life. The thing that is going to allow me more freedom to do what i need to do, ultimately. I mean, i've been on my own register 3 times, and i've made commissions already, and have customers returning to do more business with me. I haven't even been to training yet! So i think i'm going to do well with it. What i like is the fact that i have a lot of control over how much i make. I mean, maybe not THAT much control because it depends on customer traffic, but i think it's nice to have some degree of influence over the money i make.
you know, i think that's it. I feel like there is no more to say at the moment...which is good because i have to get up at 7 tomorrow. There it is....pretty much a summation of what's been going on with me. could be more...i dunno.
I've kinda been curious about my lack of interest in my livejournal. I remember the good ole days where i would just troll around on here just waiting for people to post things and let me have an opinion about things. I'm sure this is all a part of growing up, and now that I don't veil my feelings toward some boy and hope that he will get the coded messages I'm sending out, I don't have much else to troll here about. That having been said, I may start a different blog the represents more of the current me than the former me. I go through this on average about every 4 years or so, and I'm about due. Mostly because of all the rampant alone time i've had and strategically enforced. (You may have noticed....if not, i'll explain momentarily.)
I've noticed recently how I have been by myself a lot more frequently than i used to be. There are a lot of factors influencing this. There have been a lot of family things going on, along with Nine, work, money drama, apartment drama, and a general distaste with many things happening at the moment. All of which i will go more in depth with. Therefore, in an effort to keep myself from the descent into what inevitably always ends up in a retreat into my shell, I'm going to go into all of it...and hope that I come out on the other side a little less weighed down by the world on my shoulders.
I don't even know where to start, to be honest. There's a lot, and I have taken the brunt of it on myself...hence why i've felt less than festive. I guess i could start with family since that's the most pressing on my decisions at the moment. As few know, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a month and a half ago, i think. Maybe a little more. It explained a lot of issues she had been having that i had been turning a blind eye to....partially because i don't like to think of my highly intelligent grandmother being reduced in any way...partially because it just brings a lot of stuff up in terms of family that i've always run away from. When my aunt Krista died in 2002, it was probably the single most jarring experience of my life. One day started as per usual, then while i was at work, someone came and notified me that she had been randomly found dead on the highway. We still don't know why she left home or why she was out on I-75 after abandoning her car. Now the thing is about me and Krista is that we really were very similar in terms of the family. No one really got us. of her three sisters, she was the youngest whom everyone felt compelled to have a say in what she did with her life. Yes, she made some bad choices, but that doesn't mean the rest of the family was then obliged to make her decisions for her. I will never forget once when I was about 16 i think, i was getting ready to watch a movie, and Krista interrupted me....she wanted to talk, and frankly at the time i was a little irritated. She proceeded to confide in me a lot about her life that i had never heard.
Now, at this point, it stands to explain my position in our family...on my mom's side. I was the youngest of 7 of us in our generation for about 13 years. For the most part, i've spent my life as an observer...seen as too young for anyone to explain any of what happened in the family, so i was resigned to pretty much sit in obliviousness....but i got to hear how my family felt about each other...the things they would say...and they pretty much saw Krista the same way. Here i was suddenly hearing about her life as i had never heard it before. I wish with all my being that i had been more engaged with her that night, because i learned so much...and she grew to trust me. We just never got to talk about it again because 2 years later she was gone.
What does all that have to do with anything? I don't know. It may not be important....but I just don't want to make that mistake again. Here we are again with a really hardcore family challenge ahead of us. My younger cousins, Krista's sons who are 10 and 13, are currently under the care of my grandparents, and clearly that's not going to work with my grandmother getting worse very quickly and my grandpa's diabetes getting harder and harder to control. Mom is gearing up towards adopting the kids, but my dad is being an asshole about it. He didn't like having me and my sister.....so you can imagine what he feels about inviting another set of pre-teens into his precious house. at every turn he's complaining about someone touching his precious audio visual components, and my cousins are obsessed with everything video game, tv, or computer related. Needless to say, there's a rocky road ahead for that situation. So. Enter my predicament. I'm moving down to Tampa in 7 months as soon as my lease is up to live with them....mostly to help mom juggle the task of dealing with my selfish ass of a father, continuing the raising of a couple of kids, and caring for my grandparents. I have to start planning now, because i would really like to keep my job....seeing as it pays so well, but there are no guarantees. however, once down there, i don't have food, utilities, or rent to deal with...so there's something.
I'm trying really hard to keep the positives in sight....i don't want to be a selfish ass and go off on my own immediately to pursue my murky goals when there is so much to do there. but, i don't want to put off my goals any longer than i already have. There are a lot of things i'm just going to have to sacrifice...if only to assuage that horrible feeling I get when I think of how I saw my aunt as an irritation rather than someone with whom i could have a connection. I guess it's just one of those things death does to us. Makes things a lot clearer after the fact.
So....there's one part. just one.
There's so much going on, i've even been sitting here considering breaking it up in stages.....
but you know what...? fuck it. if you like...leave and come back to wherever you left off. I'm pretty sure if i don't get it all out now, it'll just sit in there for a few more months until my brain explodes or something.
Kitty is giving me cuddles...I love her. Might have to give her up to move in with my parents....I'm trying not to even think about that. I don't even wanna think about what all this time would have been like without her. boo on that.
hmm. another part. money i suppose...and that has been an amusing thing albeit aneurysm inducing. I'll be completely honest....yesterday was the first time i spent more than $30 on food since...probably.....September. I eat once or twice a day....and that is usually either ramen or pasta, or some sort of rice concoction. I feel horrible because of it. my credit cards are ALL maxed out....and i almost overdrafted my bank account twice because of rent. So...there it is. The past....3 months in Amanda's world....financially. thanks to finally getting that promotion, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but seriously, it's dim...and small. I have to deal with the knowledge that I have seriously phoned in my life for the past couple of years....and it's gonna take me way longer than that to recover. I'm terrified that my family is going to find out how bad it really is and think i'm a failure. I feel like one. Every day. I'm too smart for this...i was raised too well for this. It shouldn't have been this bad. Every time i seriously take a look at my situation, my ego smacks me upside the head and shouts "WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?!?!"
Of course i know it could be worse....much worse. There are a host of things that could be going wrong right now that aren't. and.......weirdly enough thinking that just made me feel a bit better. Weird. huh. interesting. I swear to god i'm some form of weird psycho. You guys don't even know how randomly my moods and feelings fluctuate. Most of the time i keep it under control because i don't want to be a crazy....but i'm pretty sure i have the hormonal levels of a pregnant woman. i feel like my emotional dial is always to eleven....so i have to compensate by shutting it all off so i can get a rational thought in edgewise. Of course, i think if i were crazy, i wouldn't be able to do that. So what the hell....?
speaking of hormones....enter part number 3. I've gone back into that irritating phase where i seem to think i need a boyfriend or something. I'm starting to loathe sleeping alone....doing everything alone, and having no one but my cat to cuddle with. This happens periodically...and by periodically i mean once every year or so....then it lasts until i find someone to help me deal with it. I'm starting to think i might wanna get on that before i get to my parents....because all that shit is going straight out the window. To explain that, my family is very....conservative. like......ridiculously so. To the point that i don't make sense...and yet i do. they're very liberal about a lot of things...but not about things like sex, drugs, and alcohol. I mean, yeah my mom will partake of the liquors every so often, but not nearly as often as i do. they are all a family of sex after marriage and no swearing in the house. And since i didn't really date when i was living with them before, should i decide to partake of a relationship while living there.....it would be like being in high school all over again.....and no thanks.
the trouble is, i've found i have a tendency to domesticate men i thought were otherwise only interested in a superficial relationship....and vice versa. So trying to get involved with someone while i'm still in Tallahassee will likely go one of two ways: either i'm going to be just about sex and cuddles and he'll go all "relationshipy" on me...or he'll make me go all emotional and relationshipy and all he'll want is my body. Either way...unpleasant for me. I mean, things are getting really special. To the point that the other day i was like "hey maybe i should get in contact with Krishna and see if we can be friends".
Yes...i'm pretty sure i've gone insane. i know i thought that because i was like...hmmmm maybe he'd sense our connection and then we could be friends again...with all the unpleasantness put behind us....but all the time knowing good and damn well that would NEVER happen. Not to mention, even if it did, we would never be able to keep it at just friends. If we could have done that, none of the unpleasantness would have happened in the first place. Truth be told, i don't know what the hell i want. It usually takes me a while to get used to the idea that some part of me craves companionship all of a sudden. I tend to limit my attractions to those i know for a fact share my interests...and Tallahassee's arts community is a little......incestuous. Or those i would even consider being interested in are already taken.
and enter part number 4. I've finally gotten myself back into performing, and thanks to work, i'm pretty sure i'm gonna have to decline the shows that i really really wanna do. Parade, for instance. I want so badly to do that show, but now i work in BFE north of town, plus i have a somewhat unyielding boss, so i don't think he'd be willing to change my schedule. Not to mention i think my car is two seconds from just dropping all its internal components on the road, so i'm not positive it could make the trips out to Quincy. Sad really...because there's a role in it designed for me. "African American female." I can't lose. HAHA.
but, work is really the catalyst for everything that appears to be improving in my life. The thing that is going to allow me more freedom to do what i need to do, ultimately. I mean, i've been on my own register 3 times, and i've made commissions already, and have customers returning to do more business with me. I haven't even been to training yet! So i think i'm going to do well with it. What i like is the fact that i have a lot of control over how much i make. I mean, maybe not THAT much control because it depends on customer traffic, but i think it's nice to have some degree of influence over the money i make.
you know, i think that's it. I feel like there is no more to say at the moment...which is good because i have to get up at 7 tomorrow. There it is....pretty much a summation of what's been going on with me. could be more...i dunno.