A Broken Heart is the best medicine...
And I'm up while the dawn is breaking,
even though my heart is aching
I should be drinking a toast to absent friends,
instead of these comedians... -Elvis Costello
A year ago, my heart was soaring.
A great adventure lie before me, a trek international to another hemisphere
The future was wide open.
Flash forward 3 months and I was tied to a job which I hated and involved in a relationship that was destined to end.
A little less than a year afterword I am here, and though I am completely outside my comfort-zone now, I feel a great freedom unfelt for many years.
Honestly it's a little scary to once again be in charge of your own destiny, but it's true for the first time since my mom passed away.
I think forward to my deathbed and wonder, would it be better to die alone in the desert or with family in the hospital. Should I ever fall in love again, it will be a hard question to ask. I'll probably get cancer or something and having watched my mother degenerate in the hospital due to 'therapy' I tend to think I'd rather die from heat stroke under a tree somewhere.
I wrote a poem a couple years ago, well it's more of a prose:
I feel kind of sick,
in my stomach,
probably my bleeding ulcer,
though it could be cancer.
I bet my guts will become worm food before long.
I just hope I go quick,
none of this yellow-eyed stuff.
No machines or Doctors or Heroic Measures.
Just me and a juniper tree, on a rock somewhere in the desert.
Heat exhaustion, dehydration, yawning delerium,
a moment of God-Realization than a feast...
for all the lizards
and buzzards
and ants.
I don't want to be good enough to die slow.
Just leave me a good pipe, some nice ganj, a couple gallons of water and just the type of food to die for. Maybe some morphine in case it hurts too much.
But through all of this morbidity the concept of love comes through in my mind.
Each moment of passion I've had the pleasure of experiencing, is worth EVERY moment of heartbreak I've endured.
Every breath I shared in the dark,
Every stolen kiss,
Every kiss rightfully mine,
Was worth all the pain they inevitably caused by their departure from my life.
I guess I could die a happy man having loved and been a lover, but the thought that there might be even one more moment out there waiting for me, drives me ever forward into the chaos and pain and fear and love of this world.
I suppose if a woman loved me enough I might subject myself to the whole hospital thing, for her. But I swear I would kidnap her from the same hospital, fight off all those security guards, and take her to HER place, if she wanted it.
Have any of you noticed that the pit you get in your stomach when you are heartbroken is identical to the pit you get there when you are falling in love? Try to notice it next time such joy or pain makes it's way into your life. Those moments are when you are really living, and should always be cherished.
Goodnight