Cheshirejin
cheshirejin because you have been so very good this year here's a special little something just for you.
Fandom: Bleach
Shunsui felt those arms wrap around him, claiming him as hers, only hers. If only she knew that he didn’t see her that way-he suspects that she puts away all her suspicions as to make her feel loved by someone, anyone.
He allowed her to believe that he felt that way, but he knew that he would never be with her, or love her the way she loved him.
The night sky seemed to be his only comfort-as she had taken away all sake and threatened him and no one else was going to drink that night-and he gazed at it with reverence. It seemed to be the only thing that understood how he felt about this new thing she was trying with him-it seemed as lonely as him.
It was so painful to have her trying to get close to him for an unrequited love, one that he would never return to her, one that he would never be able to give up for someone else and herself. That’s why he viewed himself as selfish, inconsiderate and deplorable. He was the worst kind of person there was-someone who took what he wanted when he wanted it, and never once regretted what he did.
There’s no doubt he felt a tinge of guilt, but there was no regret in what hell he would put her through over and over again-he would do it every night just to sate his insatiable lust. And every night, he would silently wish he was doing this with someone else, someone who he could never be with because of the monster he was.
Shunsui knew he had no chance of catching his eye, but that never stopped him from trying. He would always seek out his company for himself, and he could never release the need to visit the latter, or his feelings for him. Even though he wished he loved her-his sweet Vice Captain-he knew that his wish would never be fulfilled as someone else has already stolen his heart.
The moon seemed to chide him as he kept asking for answers, answers he could only find himself. The stars gleamed as if they all enjoyed his anxiety, his discomfort, his insecurities. The black night sky seemed happy to reveal his emotion, the bleakness of the situation he was in, the bleakness that he felt now days, the bleakness of this thing he felt.
He blinked as a meteor-like object flashed past by, suddenly filling the bleak, dark sky with some bright light.
That light symbolized something, and he now knew what he was going to do, if he ever got the courage to actually do that.
The next day, he visited Jushiro Ukitake, the one who plagued him, the one he subconsciously blamed for his predicament. He knew that he had to tell him what he felt, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually say it-to say that he wanted more out of this friendship. Shunsui couldn’t bring himself to speak what he wanted, even when Ukitake prompted him to speak-or tried to. He was quite unsuccessful as the cat had a good hold on Shunsui’s tongue-in fact, he was so tongue tied that he couldn’t even stutter an answer to the other captain.
He couldn’t bring himself to speak, much less about how he felt towards his equal in rank. He couldn’t bring himself to admit all the things he had done wrong, all the things he had done wrong, all the sins that he had committed to get away from his feelings for him-it wasn’t a well-kept secret that he and his own Vice Captain slept together.
He couldn’t bring himself to admit that all he wanted was to sleep with him, to stay near him, to have him love him the way he loved him. He knew that the wickedness he held made him even more despicable, more pathetic, uglier.
He couldn’t bring himself to admit that he was not sorry for what he did, not sorry for taking advantage of his innocent Vice Captain. He never once felt remorse for his Vice Captain, who would most of the time wake up in an empty bed. He never once thought about how she felt those nights, how she felt about him taking advantage of her-he suspected she knew that he never loved her, and that he never will. He never regretted that he had forced her to help him, that he used sweet words and false compliments to seduce her into his bed.
He couldn’t admit that he would think of the other man whenever he was doing his sick deed with her, out of fear and of sickness. He may be sickened when he thinks of it, but when it came down to it, he knew that he was addicted, and that he could never let go of this thing he had with her, not until he had his prize, his Jushiro. He knows that if he were to admit all that he had done, he would drive away the man that he thinks he loves, that he may make the other fear him for who he is. He may chase the other away with the fear that he may be used and abused to sate the other’s sickness, what he has become addicted to.
So instead, he forces himself away, away from it all as his own punishment, his own punishment for being who he was. He would refrain from talking about his feelings, about how he felt for him, about everything.
He would never look at his sweet Vice Captain with lust, he would never take her, and he would never talk back to her about what she asked, though he may grumble once in a while.
He knew that what he had done was wrong, and all he could do was pray that what he was doing now made up for what he had once done-and that he could save those people that he would have hurt even more if he had continue.
That’s what he kept telling himself, but he knew that deep down inside, he was only doing this for himself.
Fandom: Bleach
Shunsui felt those arms wrap around him, claiming him as hers, only hers. If only she knew that he didn’t see her that way-he suspects that she puts away all her suspicions as to make her feel loved by someone, anyone.
He allowed her to believe that he felt that way, but he knew that he would never be with her, or love her the way she loved him.
The night sky seemed to be his only comfort-as she had taken away all sake and threatened him and no one else was going to drink that night-and he gazed at it with reverence. It seemed to be the only thing that understood how he felt about this new thing she was trying with him-it seemed as lonely as him.
It was so painful to have her trying to get close to him for an unrequited love, one that he would never return to her, one that he would never be able to give up for someone else and herself. That’s why he viewed himself as selfish, inconsiderate and deplorable. He was the worst kind of person there was-someone who took what he wanted when he wanted it, and never once regretted what he did.
There’s no doubt he felt a tinge of guilt, but there was no regret in what hell he would put her through over and over again-he would do it every night just to sate his insatiable lust. And every night, he would silently wish he was doing this with someone else, someone who he could never be with because of the monster he was.
Shunsui knew he had no chance of catching his eye, but that never stopped him from trying. He would always seek out his company for himself, and he could never release the need to visit the latter, or his feelings for him. Even though he wished he loved her-his sweet Vice Captain-he knew that his wish would never be fulfilled as someone else has already stolen his heart.
The moon seemed to chide him as he kept asking for answers, answers he could only find himself. The stars gleamed as if they all enjoyed his anxiety, his discomfort, his insecurities. The black night sky seemed happy to reveal his emotion, the bleakness of the situation he was in, the bleakness that he felt now days, the bleakness of this thing he felt.
He blinked as a meteor-like object flashed past by, suddenly filling the bleak, dark sky with some bright light.
That light symbolized something, and he now knew what he was going to do, if he ever got the courage to actually do that.
The next day, he visited Jushiro Ukitake, the one who plagued him, the one he subconsciously blamed for his predicament. He knew that he had to tell him what he felt, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually say it-to say that he wanted more out of this friendship. Shunsui couldn’t bring himself to speak what he wanted, even when Ukitake prompted him to speak-or tried to. He was quite unsuccessful as the cat had a good hold on Shunsui’s tongue-in fact, he was so tongue tied that he couldn’t even stutter an answer to the other captain.
He couldn’t bring himself to speak, much less about how he felt towards his equal in rank. He couldn’t bring himself to admit all the things he had done wrong, all the things he had done wrong, all the sins that he had committed to get away from his feelings for him-it wasn’t a well-kept secret that he and his own Vice Captain slept together.
He couldn’t bring himself to admit that all he wanted was to sleep with him, to stay near him, to have him love him the way he loved him. He knew that the wickedness he held made him even more despicable, more pathetic, uglier.
He couldn’t bring himself to admit that he was not sorry for what he did, not sorry for taking advantage of his innocent Vice Captain. He never once felt remorse for his Vice Captain, who would most of the time wake up in an empty bed. He never once thought about how she felt those nights, how she felt about him taking advantage of her-he suspected she knew that he never loved her, and that he never will. He never regretted that he had forced her to help him, that he used sweet words and false compliments to seduce her into his bed.
He couldn’t admit that he would think of the other man whenever he was doing his sick deed with her, out of fear and of sickness. He may be sickened when he thinks of it, but when it came down to it, he knew that he was addicted, and that he could never let go of this thing he had with her, not until he had his prize, his Jushiro. He knows that if he were to admit all that he had done, he would drive away the man that he thinks he loves, that he may make the other fear him for who he is. He may chase the other away with the fear that he may be used and abused to sate the other’s sickness, what he has become addicted to.
So instead, he forces himself away, away from it all as his own punishment, his own punishment for being who he was. He would refrain from talking about his feelings, about how he felt for him, about everything.
He would never look at his sweet Vice Captain with lust, he would never take her, and he would never talk back to her about what she asked, though he may grumble once in a while.
He knew that what he had done was wrong, and all he could do was pray that what he was doing now made up for what he had once done-and that he could save those people that he would have hurt even more if he had continue.
That’s what he kept telling himself, but he knew that deep down inside, he was only doing this for himself.