Communication, and how it works (and doesn't)
Yesterday provided a contrast in communicating well - and very very badly.
First, the bad, and some backstory to go with it....
I play games - board games, card games, and video games - and it's been long enough by now that I've figured out what I like, and more importantly what I don't like about games. Usually by reading the rules or watching it played I can tell if the game is a) something to go on my must-play list, b) a learning experience, which will take some work but is doable or c) just not something I'd like. If a game falls into category b) then the best way to deal with it is to talk through playing it the first time, although when I say play I don't mean competitively - I mean with a lot of metagaming and, "Oh I was thinking of doing X but maybe Y would be better, and I have no idea what to do over here." Also, "Why did you do that, it doesn't make sense to me, what was your reasoning/strategy?"
Because of these categories, I've found that I really, really, REALLY like being able to read the rules before playing a game. It just helps me not get stuck playing something I will not enjoy, and there are less meltdowns. I'm also very good by now at being able to read the rules, look at the various bits (cards, pieces, board, little wooden cubes, whatever) and say yes, no or I need help.
So now we have the backstory, and the second part of it was last February, Marc gave me a list of his top choices for his birthday, but I got to pick the order I though they might appeal to me as well. The game that engendered this post is called Stronghold, and it's a strong 2-player game - one person defends a castle, the other attacks. I tried to get it for him in '10 but it was out of stock, so when it finally showed up this year we got to play it.
In reading through the rules I realized it was a b) game - I'd need to walkthrough it to get a handle on the strategy, because there was just so much going on. OMG so many things. I told Marc this back when I handed the rules back to him, but that was almost a month ago. In the last month he's been trying to find enough time for us to play it, but in rescheduling it my suggestion about doing a walkthrough got forgotten. Yesterday I thought we'd have time, so we set it up and... that's when we both failed our diplomacy and listening checks, at first at least.
So I started it thinking we'd talk though the hard parts at least, but Marc was... oddly stilted for that. I tried to get on as well as I could, but after a few stumbles on the rules and my usual problem with decision tree flailing, I started to get frustrated. I tried once or twice to say, "Well now I don't know what to do here," but I did it badly, and he was closed mouth, because he'd forgotten my wish to walk through it - he was playing it for keeps.
But like I said, we both failed in the communication this time, so when I finally got so upset I broke down crying, I was able to articulate what was wrong - that I was still learning, that I wanted to talk through it not play it, that I thought I'd said that but this wasn't what I'd wanted. (An aside - I wish I could not cry everytime I feel that strongly about something. V. annoying.) After some more blubbering Marc said he'd forgotten, and he didn't want me to hate the game and never play it again, so we'd finish up the turn we were on with lots of talking and try it again.
The important thing here was how we've both learned to deal with these episodes. My crying is not meant to annoy him, it's just from frustration with myself or the game. Neither of us say anything approaching, "This is YOUR fault," because often blame can be shared. Pointing out specific things that are annoying isn't meant to throw the blame, it's to highlight what maybe can be fixed. It is difficult to be selfless enough to let go of the, "But *I'M* upset so someone else must be a fault!" blame game, but it does help a lot with relationships.
The tl;dr version - Marc forgot a wish of mine, I didn't realize to point it out, crying happened, we both managed to internalize why we were sad without blaming the other person, apologies were made and accepted and we learned from it.
So, the good communication from last night....
After getting home I hit the bathroom while Marc went to call his parents. When I got out I realized I wanted a little dessert, and some ice cream would be nice. Knowing he also might want some, I filled one of our little bowls - the ones we use when it's just one of us having some, and brought it out to where he was on the phone. I figured if he didn't want it I'd eat it, and if he did I'd leave it with him and make another.
I found him eating from a similar small bowl, and laughed because I'd guessed correctly on what he wanted, but he'd beat me to it - but I still had my ice cream.
First, the bad, and some backstory to go with it....
I play games - board games, card games, and video games - and it's been long enough by now that I've figured out what I like, and more importantly what I don't like about games. Usually by reading the rules or watching it played I can tell if the game is a) something to go on my must-play list, b) a learning experience, which will take some work but is doable or c) just not something I'd like. If a game falls into category b) then the best way to deal with it is to talk through playing it the first time, although when I say play I don't mean competitively - I mean with a lot of metagaming and, "Oh I was thinking of doing X but maybe Y would be better, and I have no idea what to do over here." Also, "Why did you do that, it doesn't make sense to me, what was your reasoning/strategy?"
Because of these categories, I've found that I really, really, REALLY like being able to read the rules before playing a game. It just helps me not get stuck playing something I will not enjoy, and there are less meltdowns. I'm also very good by now at being able to read the rules, look at the various bits (cards, pieces, board, little wooden cubes, whatever) and say yes, no or I need help.
So now we have the backstory, and the second part of it was last February, Marc gave me a list of his top choices for his birthday, but I got to pick the order I though they might appeal to me as well. The game that engendered this post is called Stronghold, and it's a strong 2-player game - one person defends a castle, the other attacks. I tried to get it for him in '10 but it was out of stock, so when it finally showed up this year we got to play it.
In reading through the rules I realized it was a b) game - I'd need to walkthrough it to get a handle on the strategy, because there was just so much going on. OMG so many things. I told Marc this back when I handed the rules back to him, but that was almost a month ago. In the last month he's been trying to find enough time for us to play it, but in rescheduling it my suggestion about doing a walkthrough got forgotten. Yesterday I thought we'd have time, so we set it up and... that's when we both failed our diplomacy and listening checks, at first at least.
So I started it thinking we'd talk though the hard parts at least, but Marc was... oddly stilted for that. I tried to get on as well as I could, but after a few stumbles on the rules and my usual problem with decision tree flailing, I started to get frustrated. I tried once or twice to say, "Well now I don't know what to do here," but I did it badly, and he was closed mouth, because he'd forgotten my wish to walk through it - he was playing it for keeps.
But like I said, we both failed in the communication this time, so when I finally got so upset I broke down crying, I was able to articulate what was wrong - that I was still learning, that I wanted to talk through it not play it, that I thought I'd said that but this wasn't what I'd wanted. (An aside - I wish I could not cry everytime I feel that strongly about something. V. annoying.) After some more blubbering Marc said he'd forgotten, and he didn't want me to hate the game and never play it again, so we'd finish up the turn we were on with lots of talking and try it again.
The important thing here was how we've both learned to deal with these episodes. My crying is not meant to annoy him, it's just from frustration with myself or the game. Neither of us say anything approaching, "This is YOUR fault," because often blame can be shared. Pointing out specific things that are annoying isn't meant to throw the blame, it's to highlight what maybe can be fixed. It is difficult to be selfless enough to let go of the, "But *I'M* upset so someone else must be a fault!" blame game, but it does help a lot with relationships.
The tl;dr version - Marc forgot a wish of mine, I didn't realize to point it out, crying happened, we both managed to internalize why we were sad without blaming the other person, apologies were made and accepted and we learned from it.
So, the good communication from last night....
After getting home I hit the bathroom while Marc went to call his parents. When I got out I realized I wanted a little dessert, and some ice cream would be nice. Knowing he also might want some, I filled one of our little bowls - the ones we use when it's just one of us having some, and brought it out to where he was on the phone. I figured if he didn't want it I'd eat it, and if he did I'd leave it with him and make another.
I found him eating from a similar small bowl, and laughed because I'd guessed correctly on what he wanted, but he'd beat me to it - but I still had my ice cream.