this is a rant. ignore it.
so. first things first. i started my english gcses at a c grade average. i steadily made my way up to a b grade and finally, i managed to get two high a grades for literature and language. when i started my as-levels, i took english lit. and lang., once again. now, we have these little progress report things, yeah, and i got a c grade target originally. i thought "hey, that's okay," and the teachers said, "yeah, beginning of the year, that's fine". i was a little disappointed when i got a d grade on my first essay back but i figured, hey, it's a-levels, not exactly easy. but anyway, i carried on writing and i carried on with it, because i figured that i'd get somewhere.
i have two teachers. one of the teachers performed a mock-exam about a term ago and assessed me on that; i got a high b and she told me that with my coursework and a little practice, i'd nail an a. now, the other teacher was the one who gave me a d for my first essay for him. for all the essays that he sets, i redo them until he refuses to mark them any more. i've developed my writing analysis style so as to fit the criteria that he wants. i've practised doing the timed essays over and over again. so, naturally, i find it a little confusing when i go to parents' evening and he says to my dad "yeah, easily a b, probably an a" despite the fact that he's been giving me a steady stream of ds for my work. i ask my mum; she tells me that maybe he's just a harsh marker and not to worry. nonetheless, i do worry, so i ask him if he could make an example essay using one of our questions. we go through it in class and he actually says to the class, "now this point, i saw it in mathe's work" despite the fact that in my essay, he completely slated the point. i thought, never mind, he just wants me to try even harder.
so i do. i work to death on my coursework and the two teachers tell me that it's really good, that i'm bound to get good marks and that i don't need to do any more work on it. fine, i'll practice my essays some more, i'll go through the texts to death.
finally, about three weeks before half-term, he sets an essay. now, the class hasn't finished their coursework so he gives us all an extended deadline. basically, i spend every waking minute trying to get this essay perfect. i don't sleep - i scan the texts over and over again. and then, i think to myself, you can't do any more work on this. you're going to mess yourself up.
i take the essay to him - he tells me that he's pleased and that "everyone should really be handing in their work early, that's the professional thing to do". i figure that's a kind of compliment. however, he also tells me that "i'll mark it tonight but give it back after the holidays - i don't want to lose it." why? oh, well, he already lost my first draft of my literary coursework, but never mind, we all make mistakes. the next day, he says to me "you're working really hard mathe, you're bound to get an a in this exam" and finally, i start to believe just a little bit that i can actually pass this. i start looking at english courses at university, started planning my life, basically. he mentions the essay briefly but says nothing too much - "you've got a certain style in your writing, mathe" - and i figure, ok, maybe i've finally got it right.
maybe i was egotistic. maybe this is a kind of punishment for constantly helping other people in the class with their work when they're upset because they've left it to the night before. i don't know, i've gone over it in my head so many times.
we get into the lesson today and despite myself, i'm excited. we've just had a lesson with the other teacher and she's gone through one of my essays, complimented it. so, i'm looking forward to this essay, sure i'm finally going to get above a d. i get the paper back and at the bottom, it says, "d. you could do very well in the exam if you actually knew what you were talking about." and i swear to god, i want to cry. despite not having sleep for god knows how many hours, he gives me this. despite the fact that i find it so difficult to put my hand up and contribute in class, i do, just to check with him that i actually know what i'm talking about. the girl who i've helped all the way through the year has got a c and he tells her "you're making so much progress!" the girl who sits next to me who cries when he tells her that her essays are bad because she leaves them to the night before every time tells me that "she knows how i feel". sure, you do.
i'm not so much angry about the grade as i am about the comments that he makes; to the class, he says "you look so moody, i tell you to redo your work so you'll actually get better grades!" but it's also the fact that he could have told me before half term. he'd marked it and yet, he went and told me "you'll get an a!" i'm exhausted of this. i genuinely feel like quitting sixth form because all this pulling-allnighters-to-work and throwing myself into the work has got me absolutely nowhere.
i have two teachers. one of the teachers performed a mock-exam about a term ago and assessed me on that; i got a high b and she told me that with my coursework and a little practice, i'd nail an a. now, the other teacher was the one who gave me a d for my first essay for him. for all the essays that he sets, i redo them until he refuses to mark them any more. i've developed my writing analysis style so as to fit the criteria that he wants. i've practised doing the timed essays over and over again. so, naturally, i find it a little confusing when i go to parents' evening and he says to my dad "yeah, easily a b, probably an a" despite the fact that he's been giving me a steady stream of ds for my work. i ask my mum; she tells me that maybe he's just a harsh marker and not to worry. nonetheless, i do worry, so i ask him if he could make an example essay using one of our questions. we go through it in class and he actually says to the class, "now this point, i saw it in mathe's work" despite the fact that in my essay, he completely slated the point. i thought, never mind, he just wants me to try even harder.
so i do. i work to death on my coursework and the two teachers tell me that it's really good, that i'm bound to get good marks and that i don't need to do any more work on it. fine, i'll practice my essays some more, i'll go through the texts to death.
finally, about three weeks before half-term, he sets an essay. now, the class hasn't finished their coursework so he gives us all an extended deadline. basically, i spend every waking minute trying to get this essay perfect. i don't sleep - i scan the texts over and over again. and then, i think to myself, you can't do any more work on this. you're going to mess yourself up.
i take the essay to him - he tells me that he's pleased and that "everyone should really be handing in their work early, that's the professional thing to do". i figure that's a kind of compliment. however, he also tells me that "i'll mark it tonight but give it back after the holidays - i don't want to lose it." why? oh, well, he already lost my first draft of my literary coursework, but never mind, we all make mistakes. the next day, he says to me "you're working really hard mathe, you're bound to get an a in this exam" and finally, i start to believe just a little bit that i can actually pass this. i start looking at english courses at university, started planning my life, basically. he mentions the essay briefly but says nothing too much - "you've got a certain style in your writing, mathe" - and i figure, ok, maybe i've finally got it right.
maybe i was egotistic. maybe this is a kind of punishment for constantly helping other people in the class with their work when they're upset because they've left it to the night before. i don't know, i've gone over it in my head so many times.
we get into the lesson today and despite myself, i'm excited. we've just had a lesson with the other teacher and she's gone through one of my essays, complimented it. so, i'm looking forward to this essay, sure i'm finally going to get above a d. i get the paper back and at the bottom, it says, "d. you could do very well in the exam if you actually knew what you were talking about." and i swear to god, i want to cry. despite not having sleep for god knows how many hours, he gives me this. despite the fact that i find it so difficult to put my hand up and contribute in class, i do, just to check with him that i actually know what i'm talking about. the girl who i've helped all the way through the year has got a c and he tells her "you're making so much progress!" the girl who sits next to me who cries when he tells her that her essays are bad because she leaves them to the night before every time tells me that "she knows how i feel". sure, you do.
i'm not so much angry about the grade as i am about the comments that he makes; to the class, he says "you look so moody, i tell you to redo your work so you'll actually get better grades!" but it's also the fact that he could have told me before half term. he'd marked it and yet, he went and told me "you'll get an a!" i'm exhausted of this. i genuinely feel like quitting sixth form because all this pulling-allnighters-to-work and throwing myself into the work has got me absolutely nowhere.