(no subject)
It seems all my life nothing I did was ever good enough for people. I have never fully been good enough for my parents. I think I got the wrong ones or something. They want me to be every single thing i'm not, and i've went my whole life being compared to other kids, who were always always better than me. Some we're my friends also, which made me so jealous that they thaught one of my friends would be a better child than I was. I always strided to be everything I could be, but I could never be the person they wanted to be. What kind of a person are you if your not truly the way you WANT to be? Fake. Which they don't want a kid like that either. They both expect me to be perfect. They are far from it. I got the two weirdest set of parents ever. My dad was a horrible kid. My mom was all goody goody. They want me to be smart and they want me to be a good. Since my mom was the good and smart kid when she was little- I guess i was supposed to turn out like that. Apparently her and her mother never faught (although i know this is a lie). She always tells me she never talked back to her mom, as a teenager, she never drank, she never did drugs, and she never even kissed a guy till she was 19. It's called DEPRIVATION, yet to her its called morals. She's still living in the past and when anything falls out of that catigory she flips a knob. The first time she found out i drank, she did the whole -i'm not mad, i'm disapointed. It made me feel horrible. I'm not going to change though, thats not being myself. Parents bring you up to want to be yourself, yet they want you to be the person they created. I remember when i was like 13 she got really mad to find out my friends were kissing boys and when i called it making-out she was like "oh my god you better not be doing any of that, you know what french kissing means!" and i was like "no mom, enthrall me, tell me what it means" and she goes "It means you want to have sex with that boy." I got so mad at her and started screaming at her that it didnt mean anything along those lines, and she told me i wasn't...... "allowed" to kiss boys. She's gotton better about these things but shes still horrible. Me and my mom can get real close and i used to tell her a lot of stuff, so she knew a lot like which of my friends had had sex and which were goody goody, etc. She also was so immature about things so when we'd fight, or when i'd buy a skirt that was short and didn't go to my knees, apparently i was just a little slut.... I am the biggest baby ever and when my own mother had said i was a whore, i cried. Two weeks later, I was the worst child of her dreams. A week after this, my friend morgan and i, skipped 4th period. No big deal.. right?. The next week was report cards. The next week was when everything changed. Tuesday i got called down to the deans office. Referal for skipping. Wednesday was report cards. I decided to hand her everything on wednesday and just get yelled at once. On the bus wednesday before i got home i wrote someone a note about how much i hated florida, and i did. My friends we're shitty, the school was shitty, but i never even wanted to give the person that note. I just wrote it out of anger. I got home and handed my mom the stuff and ran upstairs crying and locked my door. She didn't say a word to me for 2 hours. She came upstairs and told me to get in the car, we had to get food. I'll never forget the conversation that went on in the car. After food she explained to me that i wasn't a good enough daughter for her and she thaught I would do better in Ny. (She had done this a few times before so i didn't think much of it). She told me that friday when i left for spring break in Ny, i wasn't ALLOWED to come back. She didn't want a failure like me, and i wasn't good enough to stay in her home. She told me that basically she wanted a fresh start, so she was WASHING her hands of me. I asked her if that meant she was disowning me and she said basically, thats the answer. I had never hated anyone at that moment as i had then. I started screaming about how much i hated her, how it was her fault i wasnt happy, how i was glad i was moving to ny, how i would be so much better off without her, how i could acually enjoy my life without feeling bad that i didn't hang out with her on the weekends. She said GOOD i'm glad you hate me, i hate you too. I'd never felt anything worse than that. We got home and I cried the whole night. I didn't know exactly if she was serious but i remember telling all my close friends. None of them believed it cause my mom did it all the time. I had been kicked out twice and i went to my friend aylas. One time she picked me up two hours later, the other i didn't want to come home I don't remmeber when i did. The next day was thursday, that day she was suposed to call my dad and tell him i was moving. Thats how i really knew if i was moving or not. My thursday i acted like i wasnt moving, no one knew so no one was sad, i ran into school crying but i did it a lot so it was normal for all my friends to see me like that. I had been in a lot of fights with my friends and we all sort of made up that day, but no one relaly knew if i was moving. I got home thursday and 3 hours later she called my dad. I heard her on the phone without her knowing, and she said some awful stuff.. she was screaming at my father that i was a horrible kid, she couldn't handle me, he had to do it she had failed as a mother to see me turn out so horrible. Afterall, i was just a slut with bad grades right? I got online after that and told everyone I really was moving. The next day was my last day at school. I braught this little empty journal and all my books into school the next day.I wasn't sad ONE bit, i didn't think i'd be sad either. I remember getting to school and Jessica and Michelle (two girls i had faughten with the past 4 months) waiting for me by the library. Jessica handed me a christmas present she had never given me becuase of the fight, and michelle gave me a hug, crying. We went into the library and with the blank journal i had everyone who wanted to, write something in it. They all basically said the same thing. "Mia i'm going to miss you so much, i'm sorry for every fight, i love you so much, keep in touch." First period we had an assembly. I saw my friend michael and handed him the book. I will never forget what he wrote. I read it and then i almost started crying, it was long but it said something like "mia i will love you forever, your beautiful don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. I'll miss you like crazy, you always made everything better... EVERYTHING. Nothing will ever be the same, you'll always be my mia." Then second period came. Our school had a place in the library where you could buy balloons for occasions like birthdays, congradulations, thinking of you, i love you, etc. They were delivered to classes. A girl walked in with a balloon and i really didn't think much of it. My birthday was over summer, and i never had gotton a balloon before, but i always talked about wanting one. My teacher came over and handed me this balloon that said Thinking Of You. And she asked if it was my birthday. I bursted into tears and said "No I'm moving!" .... I remmeber people i didn't even know giving me hugs, i dont even know why.. i was the quiet girl who everyone thaught never spoke. The rest of the day was hell. I cried 3rd period, lunch, and then 6th period came. The last period i would ever go to a GHS. After school i was suposed to meet ALL of my friends in front of the school for a goodbye. My mom was a bitch and made ME run all my books around school. Its an open campus so its outside 89 degrees humid and realllllly big. I finished and came back. I saw her close my notebook and i yelled at her for reading what was inside the cover. The letter that i had written to a friend about how much i hated it here. That made her mad. I walked out of the office and met my friends. I remember one by one giving everyone hugs, by the last person i was crying but i not that much. Then my best friend Ayla walked up and i gave her a hug. I bawled my eyes out and then my mom came out and MADE me leave. I remember seeing morgan and ayla leave and waving goodbye like some shitty movie. It was all in slowmotion and all i could do was cry i even looked back in the car to see them still waving. My mom told me to stop being a little bitch and to suck it up "after all your going where your going to be soooo much happier." We went straight from school to the airport. She left right after she dropped me off. The people there probably thaught i had some sort of problem i was crying so much. I was going ot miss my friends so much. I never thaught i would but oh god i was really wrong. When i first got here, i really liked it but by the end of the year i hated lockport so much. A lot of people hated me for no reason at all. My best friend and other friend turned against me and I didn't have anyone to turn to. I hated my father. I dislike him SO much. He's never been anything but a little bastard to me. He can be cool sometimes, but hey who wants to live with a guy who would rather buy drugs than their daughter grocerys? No one really gets it like why i hate drugs so much either. I've seen my dad lie to me my whole life tellign me drugs skrew up my life and to never do them because he DID them DIDDD. But i'm 16 now and i KNOW whats going on. I can smell it, and i see it. He still does them and he's still lying. He's messed up his whole life because of drugs. He flunked out of college bc he'd rather spend money on that, or rather go do drugs then attend college. So he's one of those people you see in the cheap school videos, the people who grow up to have shitty ass jobs who can't support anything or anyone but their drug habits. So thats why drugs disgust me, i consider my dad such a little bitch bc he cant deal with anything without being high. So i'm pretty embarassed of him. I don't like telling ANYONE this so i really don't know why i am. Just need to vent. So i was suposed to go to my moms in nine days. But we got in a fight. No matter what my mom does or says she can make me feel like i'm to blame. So she writes this letter to my dad about me riding in cars with guys how their gunna rape me, and how shes saying i lie all the time. Well my dad didn't care about the letter, but i think i cried for like a half hour.. just because i usually tell my mom like everything, and for her to turn around on my trust, well i was pissed. I've sat around having most of my friends go adn tell stuff i tell them not to repeat. But my mom did it? Aweosme isnt it? Well i picked up the phone and got the answering machine. "I hate you i really do i hate you stay out of my life and let my dad raise me I HATE YOU" and hung up.. So florida 9 days? Not happeneing probably. I tried calling her today. Won't pick up. I wrote her a letter about everything and i know even if we do talk its basically going to be the same thing; her saying "but why would you wanna come to florida .. you hate me.. you hate it here.. you hate your friends, and your a failure." ....because in the end its all my fault. So yeah and i was watching gilmore girls and the loralais mom was waiting for loralai to come but she didnt and she went to get her plate off the table but then just looked at it and left it (like as in she missed her and still hoped she'd come) and i started crying, because i miss my mom. So i'm writing this out of like no where well bc i hate her, but i know no one will read it, i just needed to vent because most of my friends don't care. Buttt the keyboard does haha. So there.