j. says i don't write in here anymore.
it's pouring rain this morning. on the way to work, a few passing cars splashed so much water over my car that you couldn't see ANYTHING for a few moments. like being in a carwash, but on the freeway. it was pretty rainy yesterday too but it cleared up in time for trick-or-treaters.
i actually forgot all about them and was in the basement copying my new of montreal cd [aren't they the best band ever?? i can't believe i didn't discover them until recently!] when penelope started barking upstairs. i went up and heard kids yelling outside. i panicked and turned out all the lights in the living room and went back downstairs. i am bad but hey! i was going to pass out last years candy anyway and really, i have to admit, that's pretty gross. those kids don't want year old candy! seriously, what's wrong with me??
lately i've been feeling like i'm in a fog. i've been reading so much about metaphysics and quantum physics and the like, i feel like i should be enlightened at this point but i'm just as muddled as ever. i watched 'what the bleep do we know?' on saturday night after the halloween party at jason & jason's place. it should be called 'what the bleep do we know about film-making??!'.
i mean, some of it was very interesting but there were all these segueways acted out by marlee matlin and some animation and stuff and i was just like 'what the hell??!'. also, it was filmed here in portland. the one thing was that they were able to film portland in a way that it looked amazing. each time they showed part of the city i was like "hey, that looks like a great place to live!". haha. i mean, it can be but it's so nichey here. if you're rich and professional it's an awesome place, you can afford to live in a great area in the city and appreciate the lightrail and parks etc. or if you're like me and nat, you have to truck it out to the suburbs every day and work with people who voted for bush cos they think he's cute and charming and still not make enough to buy a decent house in the over-inflated housing market. cos sorry, i am not living in beaverton. i'd rather poke my eyes out with pinecones.
i could go on and on about that forever. but i won't. i'm trying something where i assuage my depression and anxiety with a "whatever" attitude. it's actually been working out all right but i'm finding it hard to maintain. last night i put my studio back together... i started painting it back in like, july and just finished two weeks ago. so, last night i put everything back together and i think i'm going to start meditating. meditating on "whatever". my ultimate goal is to re-shape my reality so i don't feel like i've wasted this life. cos let's face it, i've been doing a lot of wasting lately.