Meeting people is not something that I would ever recommend. Often people are nice and that leads to being pleasant, which is the last thing that you could ever want to be. Yesterday I met two very nice people. It could have all gone very, very wrong at any minute.

The thing about nice people is that they take an interest in you and when people ( Read more... )

Even when I do nothing I get into trouble.
I went to a horrible, horrible bar in The Players Theatre underneath Charing Cross station last night. It's such a wanky bum-hole of a place filled with very pretentious drama students who either seem to be waving their 8x10's around, doing bits of their audition speeches or, most horrible of all, singing. ( Read more... )

 Is there a point in watching Britain's Got Talent? Surprisingly, yes. Not every single act on the show is desperate for fame and comes across like they would kill their own children if it meant they'd get talked about for a little while. Some of these acts are simply there to waste people's time. That has to be admired.

A grown man got a three ( Read more... )

 Why isn't Otiz Cannelloni huge?

It's because he's one of the funniest people in the country, isn't it? The fucking idiot. I saw him on Sunday night being his usual brilliant, naturally funny self and the audience loved him. You see, if a TV producer saw that he or she would just roll their eyes and not quite get the connection between getting lots ( Read more... )

 I spent an hour drinking tea in Times Square yesterday just watching people come and go. I love New York. It's an incredible, vibrant, scary, exciting, buzzing metropolis and people watching there can entertain you for hours. Sadly, I was in Times Square in Newcastle which looks like it was designed by an Etch-A-Sketch and decorated by a ( Read more... )

Young people are lovely, aren’t they? So fresh faced, naïve and full of spunk. On Thursday I went to a new comedy night called The Ambassadors Comedy Reception at the good old Albany in Great Portland Street. Although I’m not a big fan of the Albany’s policies, I love the venue. So dark, intimate and full of spunk. You can never get served at the ( Read more... )

 Do you actually pay your TV licence fee? WELL DON'T. Look at what YOU are funding, you evil bastard. God, I hate you. If it wasn't for you there would be no Horne & Corden, no My Family, no Cunts Dancing Like Cunts or whatever it's called. But no, YOU had to actually pay for all these things and ruin my fucking life. And now you have crossed the ( Read more... )

 Something really weird happened to me yesterday, something a little bit out of character. There I was lying on my sofa mumbling at the TV while hungover (hang on, we're getting to the weird bit) when all of a sudden I took a look at myself, decided that what I saw was awful and went for a two mile run ( Read more... )

 If there is one thing that I am not, it's a schmoozer. I don't feel the need to fake interest in people just to get slightly ahead in my career. There are plenty of other comedians who brown-nose their way into comedy clubs or TV but having my head shoved firmly up some promoters arse just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. In fact, the only reason ( Read more... )

Football and trannies ruined a perfectly lovely date for me and my husband, Johnny, on Saturday in Manchester. There we were being regular, middle-aged men, buying comics and cybermen dollies and minding our own business when The Others decided to try to spoil our blissful time.

Johnny and I were walking down Canal Street discussing what was better ( Read more... )