I'm Having Such a Gay Day (30 Rock, Jack/Cooter, Jack/Liz)
Title: I'm Having Such a Gay Day
Prompt: 100_situations #098. Writer's Choice.
Fandom: 30 Rock
Pairings: Jack/Cooter, Jack/Liz
Spoilers: through "Cooter"
Word Count: 702
Rating: PG-13
Table: Number Two.
Summary: They've taken to calling each other every night.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Tina, NBC, etc. Title is a quote from Scrubs, which also doesn't belong to me.
*
They've taken to calling each other every night. Who calls whom seems to depend on which of them has had the crazier day. Tonight, Jack calls her.
"If you commit homosexual acts because of a chemical designed to make you temporarily gay, do those acts count as part of your sexual history?"
Liz opens her mouth. Closes it. "Huh?"
"I made myself very clear."
"Um, yeah, I guess. Or no." So Jack got high and did it with a dude? That's... something. "I don't know. I've never dealt with chemical-induced gayness."
"Nor have I. If only one of us had been of age in the sixties; then I'm sure we'd have prior experience with this problem." He pauses. "You must be friendly with some hippies."
"None I want to call." Now, she pauses. "Who did you have sex with?"
"If it counts," Jack says, "a man named Cooter Burger." He pauses. "Well. Nicknamed."
"Oh, the pen dude?"
"It was his hunger for pens that caused it all."
"He... he did it with you for pens?"
"No," he scoffs, as if this is something she should immediately be able to fill in the blanks for. "While reaching for pens, he knocked over the Gay Bomb we'd created in order to embarrass the administration and get ourselves fired." He exhales. "My God, that sounds ridiculous. This is what my life has become, Lemon. Career suicide and sweaty clinches with needy men."
"I thought you just did it with Cooter."
"Not to be indelicate, but Cooter is the only one I had... significant sexual contact with. The rest was all groping."
"Okay. I'm sorry, but I have no idea what to say to this. Not judging you, but... I totally don't know what I should tell you."
"All I need is your opinion on whether or not the incident counts as part of my sexual history."
"Well, in my opinion, yeah. It doesn't matter if there was some chemical thing involved. I mean, drunk sex counts."
"It does not. Not if you don't wish it to, in any case."
"Wait, drunk sex counts. I was drunk the last time I did it with Dennis. And it counted."
"Sex with Dennis doesn't count for anything."
"Well... it's not great, but it still counts as something that happened. I could've had a Duffy baby, so. It counts. And you and Cooter doing it counts. It doesn't mean you're gay now, though."
Jack sighs. "I don't know. I think I may have some things to learn about myself, Lemon." He exhales. "I must say, I never thought I'd be the first between the two of us to have a gay experience."
"Wait, go back a second. You're into dudes now?"
"The experience was quite... erotic. But the Gay Bomb is exceptionally effective in enclosed spaces. To be honest, currently imagining having my way with a man is not causing me to be aroused. Not even Cooter, and that was, again, quite erotic." Another exhalation of breath. "Maybe I shouldn't worry. It was a one-time occurrence caused by outside forces and, while it's part of my history, it doesn't change my present or my future. Thank you for the advice."
"Um. I didn't give you any advice."
"You did. Just because you didn't frame it as such doesn't mean it wasn't. And you listened; that counts for something. Perhaps you could even help me reaffirm my heterosexuality."
She almost chokes on nothing. Like, Jack's managed to make her choke on air. "What?"
"I wish I could pretend that comment didn't mean what it sounded like, but I honestly can't think of what else I could've been suggesting. Forgive me."
"Okay. Forgiven."
"I only made such a proposal to you because I'm currently on the phone with you. If I were on the phone with a different woman--"
"Okay, okay. I know you don't want to do it with me. Or a bunch of dudes."
Silence. "That's correct."
"Wait, are you into dudes? Not that it bothers me. You can tell me if you are is what I mean."
"No, I'm not currently gay. If my orientation shifts, I will inform you. So," he continues, "how was your day?"
END
Prompt: 100_situations #098. Writer's Choice.
Fandom: 30 Rock
Pairings: Jack/Cooter, Jack/Liz
Spoilers: through "Cooter"
Word Count: 702
Rating: PG-13
Table: Number Two.
Summary: They've taken to calling each other every night.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Tina, NBC, etc. Title is a quote from Scrubs, which also doesn't belong to me.
*
They've taken to calling each other every night. Who calls whom seems to depend on which of them has had the crazier day. Tonight, Jack calls her.
"If you commit homosexual acts because of a chemical designed to make you temporarily gay, do those acts count as part of your sexual history?"
Liz opens her mouth. Closes it. "Huh?"
"I made myself very clear."
"Um, yeah, I guess. Or no." So Jack got high and did it with a dude? That's... something. "I don't know. I've never dealt with chemical-induced gayness."
"Nor have I. If only one of us had been of age in the sixties; then I'm sure we'd have prior experience with this problem." He pauses. "You must be friendly with some hippies."
"None I want to call." Now, she pauses. "Who did you have sex with?"
"If it counts," Jack says, "a man named Cooter Burger." He pauses. "Well. Nicknamed."
"Oh, the pen dude?"
"It was his hunger for pens that caused it all."
"He... he did it with you for pens?"
"No," he scoffs, as if this is something she should immediately be able to fill in the blanks for. "While reaching for pens, he knocked over the Gay Bomb we'd created in order to embarrass the administration and get ourselves fired." He exhales. "My God, that sounds ridiculous. This is what my life has become, Lemon. Career suicide and sweaty clinches with needy men."
"I thought you just did it with Cooter."
"Not to be indelicate, but Cooter is the only one I had... significant sexual contact with. The rest was all groping."
"Okay. I'm sorry, but I have no idea what to say to this. Not judging you, but... I totally don't know what I should tell you."
"All I need is your opinion on whether or not the incident counts as part of my sexual history."
"Well, in my opinion, yeah. It doesn't matter if there was some chemical thing involved. I mean, drunk sex counts."
"It does not. Not if you don't wish it to, in any case."
"Wait, drunk sex counts. I was drunk the last time I did it with Dennis. And it counted."
"Sex with Dennis doesn't count for anything."
"Well... it's not great, but it still counts as something that happened. I could've had a Duffy baby, so. It counts. And you and Cooter doing it counts. It doesn't mean you're gay now, though."
Jack sighs. "I don't know. I think I may have some things to learn about myself, Lemon." He exhales. "I must say, I never thought I'd be the first between the two of us to have a gay experience."
"Wait, go back a second. You're into dudes now?"
"The experience was quite... erotic. But the Gay Bomb is exceptionally effective in enclosed spaces. To be honest, currently imagining having my way with a man is not causing me to be aroused. Not even Cooter, and that was, again, quite erotic." Another exhalation of breath. "Maybe I shouldn't worry. It was a one-time occurrence caused by outside forces and, while it's part of my history, it doesn't change my present or my future. Thank you for the advice."
"Um. I didn't give you any advice."
"You did. Just because you didn't frame it as such doesn't mean it wasn't. And you listened; that counts for something. Perhaps you could even help me reaffirm my heterosexuality."
She almost chokes on nothing. Like, Jack's managed to make her choke on air. "What?"
"I wish I could pretend that comment didn't mean what it sounded like, but I honestly can't think of what else I could've been suggesting. Forgive me."
"Okay. Forgiven."
"I only made such a proposal to you because I'm currently on the phone with you. If I were on the phone with a different woman--"
"Okay, okay. I know you don't want to do it with me. Or a bunch of dudes."
Silence. "That's correct."
"Wait, are you into dudes? Not that it bothers me. You can tell me if you are is what I mean."
"No, I'm not currently gay. If my orientation shifts, I will inform you. So," he continues, "how was your day?"
END