Перевод "Совещания" автора alex_aka_JJ
Jack came to the meeting on Tuesday as scheduled. His brain was immediately served on dessert plates, spoons offered, and the team started the tempting lunch.
“Ladies and Gentlemen”, Fiona starts, “there is a new challenge we face. The customer assigns a project of seven red lines to be designed”.
“Sure”, Fred produces. He is the Boss always ready for challenges the rest of the team will be giving birth to.
Patrick, the Drawing Division Director, quickly nods: “Of course. Jack is with us today, he is our best red line producer. He is gonna show us his top expertise at this meeting”.
“Terrific”, Fiona said. “You all know me, folks. Oh, please meet Helen, she is our designer”.
Helen shies and gets red. She is the economics graduate being as close to design as kangaroo to brain surgery.
“We all set”, Fiona says. “Now, we have to draw seven red lines. All of them have to be strictly perpendicular. Moreover, some of them must come in green whilst some being transparent. You can do it, correct ?"
“No”, Jack verdicts.
“Well, well, well, Jack”, Patrick smiles, “we do not need an immediate answer. There is a task and it must be completed, right ? You are the professional, Jack, aren’t you ? You will not act an amateur, will you, man ?”
“Listen”, Jack starts explaining, “when you say “a red line” it means that the color of the line is red. Drawing a red line in green is, say, not impossible, but quite close to impossible…”
“Jack, what do you mean by “impossible” ?” Patrick asks.
“I am just trying to clarify… Well, there are color-blind people who won’t mind the line color, but I assume your focus group doesn’t necessarily loop people of that nature…”
“Correct me if I am wrong, you mean this is possible in theory ?”, Fiona asks.
Jack realizes he went a bit far with his imagery…
“To make it simple”, he corrects himself, “any line can be produced in any color. BUT: to produce a red line you have to use the red color.” He looks at the audience.
“Jack, don’t confuse us. You have just said this is “possible”, what’s up ?”
Jack silently curses himself for talking too much.
“No, you took it wrong, Fiona. I just wanted to say that in some VERY RARE occasions the line color doesn’t matter, but even in those cases the line won’t be red. You follow me, right ? It will be green. And you tell me you need a red one...”
Silence. Collective synapses produce low tense hum.
“Bingo !”, Fred screams. “We have to draw them in dark blue !”
“No way”, Jack shakes his head. “When you draw them in dark blue, you get the dark blue lines”.
Silence again. Jack interrupts it himself: “I did not get one more thing: what do you mean by transparent color lines ?...”
Fiona tenderly looks at him like a teacher at a dumb student: “Well, Jack, don’t you know what “transparent” is ?”
“I know”
“And… Jack, do I have to clarify to you what a “red line” is ?”
“No, you don’t…”
“Fine. You then draw us the red lines in transparent color !”
Jack freezes for a moment thinking over what he has just heard.
“Fiona, what do you think the product shall look like, could you please describe it ?”
“Jack, Jack, stop…”, Partick says. “Don’t start all this. We are no kids. Who is the red lines expert here, you or Fiona ?”
“Look, I am just trying to clarify the details to myself…”
“What aren’t you exactly getting, Jack ?”, Fred breaks into the conversation. “You know what the “red line” is all about, correct ?”
“Yes, but…”
“And you are clear on what “transparent” is, correct ?”
“Sure, but…”
“Then what is UNCLEAR to you then ? Jack, why won’t we stop wasting time ? There is a task, it is damn clear. If you have questions, ask them now!”
“You are the professional, aren’t you?”, Patrick adds
“All right, all right”, Jack gives up. “Forget the color. You have also mentioned something on perpendicularity, no ?…”
“Yes”, Fiona affirms. “Seven lines, all perpendicular”.
Jack: "Sorry, perpendicular to what ?"
Fiona shuffles her papers.
“Hhhhmm… well… to everything. To each other. Or… I don’t know… I thought YOU know what the perpendicular lines look like…”, she finally exhales.
“Of course he knows”, Patrick flaps his hands. “Aren’t we all professionals here ?”
“Well, only TWO lines can be perpendicular to each other”, Jack starts slowly explaining. “All seven lines cannot be perpendicular to each other at the same time. This is the basics of geometry, high school…”
Fiona shrinks her shoulders, her head waving her high school years behind. Fred spanks on his desk:
“Jack, please stop recalling our high schools. Let’s be polite. Get hints and offence off. Be constructive. We ain’t no idiots in this room.”
“I am positive we are not”, Patrick adds.
Jack picks a blank paper from the pile.
“Fine”, he says. “Lemme draw something for you. See the line ?”.
Fiona nods in full agreement.
“I am drawing another line”, Jack says. “Is it perpendicular to the first one ?”
“And…?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Damn yes, so you see !”, Fiona screams.
“Wait a second, lemme finish. Now, look, I am drawing the third line… Is it perpendicular to the first line ?”
Audience falls in silence. Jack interrupts it by himself:
“Yes, it is perpendicular to the first line. But it does not cross the second line. It is parallel to the second line”.
Silence thickens. Fiona rises from her chair, walks around the desk, stands behind Jack and looks at the drawing over his shoulder.
“Well”, she mumbles. “Looks like it is…”.
“This is the point”, Jack says trying to build on his success. “Once there are two lines, they can be perpendicular. When you get more lines…”
“May I borrow your pen ?”, Fiona asks.
Jack lets her the pen. Fiona carefully puts few unstable lines on the Jack’s drawing.
How’bout this ?”
Jack breathes in.
“This is called triangle. No, these lines are not perpendicular. And... you have only three lines here, not seven”.
Fiona purses her mouth.
“Why they are dark blue ?”, Fred suddenly asks.
“Yes, why ?”, Patrick supports Fred. “I am curious myself..”
Jack stares at the drawing with his eyes blinking in doubt.
“I have the dark blue pen”, he finally mumbles. “I only wanted to draft for you…”
“This must be the point !”, Fred interrupts him. He looks like an individual who has just cleared up a complicated concept he can’t wait sharing with the audience when the trace is hot. “Your lines are dark blue. Put them in red and see what it gives”.
“It gives the same result”, Jack insists.
“What do you mean “the same” ?”, Fred looks confused. “How can you assume they are the same if you did not try ? You put them in red and we will see.”
“I don’t have a red pen with me”, Jack admits. “But I assure you…”
“You are not prepared, Jack”. Patrick is upset. “You knew we were planning a meeting…”
Jack is getting frustrated: “I AM positive that you get the same result in red…”
“Jack you have just said that red lines have to be produced in red. Look here, I took notes. And now you draw them by a dark blue pen. Do you think these lines are really red ?”
“Patrick is right”, Fred notes. “I also asked you about the dark blue color. What did you say to me ?”
Jack is suddenly saved by Helen. She was thoroughly following him at his drawings from her chair.
“I think I do understand”, Helen says. “You are not discussing the color right now, correct ? You are talking about this… how do you call it… pir-pir-something ?”
“Yes, yes, perpendicularity of lines”, Jack looks at her with appreciation. “Perpendicularity is not bind to the color of the lines”.
“Okay, I'm fed up and I am completely confused”, Fred says, his eyes addressing his people one by one. "Do we have problem with the color or with the perpendicularity ?"
Fiona silently clears her throat, her head shaking in doubt. She is totally confused as well.
“Both. We have problems with both”, Jack speaks low.
“I ain’t understand nothing”, Fred looks at his hands clasped. “There is a task. We need seven red lines. Not twenty, but only seven. A simple task. Our customer wants seven perpendicular lines, correct ?”
Fiona nods.
“We have Patrick who does not also see any problem with this. Partick, am I right ? Yes, he does not. So… Tell me one good reason we cannot complete the task.”
Jack breathes in. "Geometry"
“Ignore geometry, that’s it”, Fiona says.
Jack shuts up, his mind in doubt. His brain picks one colorful metaphor by another to deliver the insanity of the environment to the audience, but each of his statement starts with the F-word not too corporate though.
Fred gets tired of Jack’s silence and says:
“Jack, may I ask you one straight question: can you do it or you cannot ? I know you are in a top professional niche so I don’t anticipate a helicopter view. However, isn’t it that hard to draw seven simple lines ? We have already lost two hours on that, still no solution…”
“Yes”, Patrick agrees. “You still keep claiming it impossible and you are only criticizing whilst what we really need is a damn solution. I am sorry, but criticizing is too easy ! You are the professional aren’t you ?”
Jack is tired as well.
“All right. Lemme draw you two guaranteed parallel lines in red and the rest in transparent color. They will be so transparent that no one can see’em, but I will draw’em. Will those lines make you happy ?”
“Will they ?, Fiona glances at Helen. “Yes, they definitely will !”
“Mmmmm…”, adds Helen “may few of them be green ? And may I ask you one more question ?”
“Yes”, Jack approves the question, his voice husky.
“May I have one of those lines in the shape of a kitty ?”
Jack turns silent for few seconds.
“Sorry ?”
“A kitty. A small funny kitty. Our users adore puppets. Will look terrific.”
“No”, Jack says.
“Why ?”
“Look, I can draw you a cat. I am none of an artist, but I may try. But in this case it will no longer be a line. It will be a cat. A line and a cat are two different things”.
“A kitty”, Fiona points. “Not a cat, but a kitty. A little, cute one. Cats are…”
Jack shivers. “It doesn’t matter”.
Helen is upset: “Really no way ?”
“Jack, let her finish first !”, Fred is embarrassed. “Listen to people before producing your “Nos”.
“I am positive”, Jack keeps staring at the desk. “I am telling you that it is absolutely impossible to draw a line in the shape of a kitty”.
“Forget the kitty then”, Helen agrees. “But how about a bird ? No way too ?”
Speechless Jack slowly rises his eyes at Helen and she quickly gets it all.
“Forget them all then, forget it”, she mumbles.
Fred flaps on the desk.
“It’s time for the summary, Ladies and Gentlemen !”
“Okay, seven red lines”, Fiona says. “Two in red, two in green and the rest in transparent color”.
“Perfect”, Patrick states before Jack opens his mouth.
Fred happily nods.
“Great. All for now, folks ? Let’s go back to work ? Questions ?”
“Ouups”, Helen screams. “I forgot something. I know we have a red balloon. Jack, would you please airfill it if we ask ?”
“Yes, good point”, Fiona agrees. “Let’s kill two birds right here right now not to meet twice”.
“Jack, can we do this ?“, Fred looks at Jack..
Jack is confused: “I am not sure I am following the link…”
“The balloon is red”, Helen explains.
Jack turns speechless, his fingers shivering.
“Jack, are you with us ?”, Fred is getting annoyed. “Can you do this or you cannot ? A simple question, Jack…”
“Well, I am generally capable filling balloons, but…”
“Great”, Fred nods. “Go meet them, please, and fill the balloon. Trip expenses approved”.
“Tomorrow ?”, Fiona suggests.
“Sure”, Fred agrees. “Believe they won’t object. Are we done ? Perfect. Great job. Thanks everyone !”
Jack’s produces few quick winks trying to find himself back from the virtual reality. He rises from his chair and slowly heads the door.
“Jack, one last point”, Helen asks, her face flashing red. “When you fill the balloon, can you do it in the shape of a kitty ?”
Jack deeply breathes in.
“Yes, I can. I can do everything. I am the professional”
“Ladies and Gentlemen”, Fiona starts, “there is a new challenge we face. The customer assigns a project of seven red lines to be designed”.
“Sure”, Fred produces. He is the Boss always ready for challenges the rest of the team will be giving birth to.
Patrick, the Drawing Division Director, quickly nods: “Of course. Jack is with us today, he is our best red line producer. He is gonna show us his top expertise at this meeting”.
“Terrific”, Fiona said. “You all know me, folks. Oh, please meet Helen, she is our designer”.
Helen shies and gets red. She is the economics graduate being as close to design as kangaroo to brain surgery.
“We all set”, Fiona says. “Now, we have to draw seven red lines. All of them have to be strictly perpendicular. Moreover, some of them must come in green whilst some being transparent. You can do it, correct ?"
“No”, Jack verdicts.
“Well, well, well, Jack”, Patrick smiles, “we do not need an immediate answer. There is a task and it must be completed, right ? You are the professional, Jack, aren’t you ? You will not act an amateur, will you, man ?”
“Listen”, Jack starts explaining, “when you say “a red line” it means that the color of the line is red. Drawing a red line in green is, say, not impossible, but quite close to impossible…”
“Jack, what do you mean by “impossible” ?” Patrick asks.
“I am just trying to clarify… Well, there are color-blind people who won’t mind the line color, but I assume your focus group doesn’t necessarily loop people of that nature…”
“Correct me if I am wrong, you mean this is possible in theory ?”, Fiona asks.
Jack realizes he went a bit far with his imagery…
“To make it simple”, he corrects himself, “any line can be produced in any color. BUT: to produce a red line you have to use the red color.” He looks at the audience.
“Jack, don’t confuse us. You have just said this is “possible”, what’s up ?”
Jack silently curses himself for talking too much.
“No, you took it wrong, Fiona. I just wanted to say that in some VERY RARE occasions the line color doesn’t matter, but even in those cases the line won’t be red. You follow me, right ? It will be green. And you tell me you need a red one...”
Silence. Collective synapses produce low tense hum.
“Bingo !”, Fred screams. “We have to draw them in dark blue !”
“No way”, Jack shakes his head. “When you draw them in dark blue, you get the dark blue lines”.
Silence again. Jack interrupts it himself: “I did not get one more thing: what do you mean by transparent color lines ?...”
Fiona tenderly looks at him like a teacher at a dumb student: “Well, Jack, don’t you know what “transparent” is ?”
“I know”
“And… Jack, do I have to clarify to you what a “red line” is ?”
“No, you don’t…”
“Fine. You then draw us the red lines in transparent color !”
Jack freezes for a moment thinking over what he has just heard.
“Fiona, what do you think the product shall look like, could you please describe it ?”
“Jack, Jack, stop…”, Partick says. “Don’t start all this. We are no kids. Who is the red lines expert here, you or Fiona ?”
“Look, I am just trying to clarify the details to myself…”
“What aren’t you exactly getting, Jack ?”, Fred breaks into the conversation. “You know what the “red line” is all about, correct ?”
“Yes, but…”
“And you are clear on what “transparent” is, correct ?”
“Sure, but…”
“Then what is UNCLEAR to you then ? Jack, why won’t we stop wasting time ? There is a task, it is damn clear. If you have questions, ask them now!”
“You are the professional, aren’t you?”, Patrick adds
“All right, all right”, Jack gives up. “Forget the color. You have also mentioned something on perpendicularity, no ?…”
“Yes”, Fiona affirms. “Seven lines, all perpendicular”.
Jack: "Sorry, perpendicular to what ?"
Fiona shuffles her papers.
“Hhhhmm… well… to everything. To each other. Or… I don’t know… I thought YOU know what the perpendicular lines look like…”, she finally exhales.
“Of course he knows”, Patrick flaps his hands. “Aren’t we all professionals here ?”
“Well, only TWO lines can be perpendicular to each other”, Jack starts slowly explaining. “All seven lines cannot be perpendicular to each other at the same time. This is the basics of geometry, high school…”
Fiona shrinks her shoulders, her head waving her high school years behind. Fred spanks on his desk:
“Jack, please stop recalling our high schools. Let’s be polite. Get hints and offence off. Be constructive. We ain’t no idiots in this room.”
“I am positive we are not”, Patrick adds.
Jack picks a blank paper from the pile.
“Fine”, he says. “Lemme draw something for you. See the line ?”.
Fiona nods in full agreement.
“I am drawing another line”, Jack says. “Is it perpendicular to the first one ?”
“And…?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Damn yes, so you see !”, Fiona screams.
“Wait a second, lemme finish. Now, look, I am drawing the third line… Is it perpendicular to the first line ?”
Audience falls in silence. Jack interrupts it by himself:
“Yes, it is perpendicular to the first line. But it does not cross the second line. It is parallel to the second line”.
Silence thickens. Fiona rises from her chair, walks around the desk, stands behind Jack and looks at the drawing over his shoulder.
“Well”, she mumbles. “Looks like it is…”.
“This is the point”, Jack says trying to build on his success. “Once there are two lines, they can be perpendicular. When you get more lines…”
“May I borrow your pen ?”, Fiona asks.
Jack lets her the pen. Fiona carefully puts few unstable lines on the Jack’s drawing.
How’bout this ?”
Jack breathes in.
“This is called triangle. No, these lines are not perpendicular. And... you have only three lines here, not seven”.
Fiona purses her mouth.
“Why they are dark blue ?”, Fred suddenly asks.
“Yes, why ?”, Patrick supports Fred. “I am curious myself..”
Jack stares at the drawing with his eyes blinking in doubt.
“I have the dark blue pen”, he finally mumbles. “I only wanted to draft for you…”
“This must be the point !”, Fred interrupts him. He looks like an individual who has just cleared up a complicated concept he can’t wait sharing with the audience when the trace is hot. “Your lines are dark blue. Put them in red and see what it gives”.
“It gives the same result”, Jack insists.
“What do you mean “the same” ?”, Fred looks confused. “How can you assume they are the same if you did not try ? You put them in red and we will see.”
“I don’t have a red pen with me”, Jack admits. “But I assure you…”
“You are not prepared, Jack”. Patrick is upset. “You knew we were planning a meeting…”
Jack is getting frustrated: “I AM positive that you get the same result in red…”
“Jack you have just said that red lines have to be produced in red. Look here, I took notes. And now you draw them by a dark blue pen. Do you think these lines are really red ?”
“Patrick is right”, Fred notes. “I also asked you about the dark blue color. What did you say to me ?”
Jack is suddenly saved by Helen. She was thoroughly following him at his drawings from her chair.
“I think I do understand”, Helen says. “You are not discussing the color right now, correct ? You are talking about this… how do you call it… pir-pir-something ?”
“Yes, yes, perpendicularity of lines”, Jack looks at her with appreciation. “Perpendicularity is not bind to the color of the lines”.
“Okay, I'm fed up and I am completely confused”, Fred says, his eyes addressing his people one by one. "Do we have problem with the color or with the perpendicularity ?"
Fiona silently clears her throat, her head shaking in doubt. She is totally confused as well.
“Both. We have problems with both”, Jack speaks low.
“I ain’t understand nothing”, Fred looks at his hands clasped. “There is a task. We need seven red lines. Not twenty, but only seven. A simple task. Our customer wants seven perpendicular lines, correct ?”
Fiona nods.
“We have Patrick who does not also see any problem with this. Partick, am I right ? Yes, he does not. So… Tell me one good reason we cannot complete the task.”
Jack breathes in. "Geometry"
“Ignore geometry, that’s it”, Fiona says.
Jack shuts up, his mind in doubt. His brain picks one colorful metaphor by another to deliver the insanity of the environment to the audience, but each of his statement starts with the F-word not too corporate though.
Fred gets tired of Jack’s silence and says:
“Jack, may I ask you one straight question: can you do it or you cannot ? I know you are in a top professional niche so I don’t anticipate a helicopter view. However, isn’t it that hard to draw seven simple lines ? We have already lost two hours on that, still no solution…”
“Yes”, Patrick agrees. “You still keep claiming it impossible and you are only criticizing whilst what we really need is a damn solution. I am sorry, but criticizing is too easy ! You are the professional aren’t you ?”
Jack is tired as well.
“All right. Lemme draw you two guaranteed parallel lines in red and the rest in transparent color. They will be so transparent that no one can see’em, but I will draw’em. Will those lines make you happy ?”
“Will they ?, Fiona glances at Helen. “Yes, they definitely will !”
“Mmmmm…”, adds Helen “may few of them be green ? And may I ask you one more question ?”
“Yes”, Jack approves the question, his voice husky.
“May I have one of those lines in the shape of a kitty ?”
Jack turns silent for few seconds.
“Sorry ?”
“A kitty. A small funny kitty. Our users adore puppets. Will look terrific.”
“No”, Jack says.
“Why ?”
“Look, I can draw you a cat. I am none of an artist, but I may try. But in this case it will no longer be a line. It will be a cat. A line and a cat are two different things”.
“A kitty”, Fiona points. “Not a cat, but a kitty. A little, cute one. Cats are…”
Jack shivers. “It doesn’t matter”.
Helen is upset: “Really no way ?”
“Jack, let her finish first !”, Fred is embarrassed. “Listen to people before producing your “Nos”.
“I am positive”, Jack keeps staring at the desk. “I am telling you that it is absolutely impossible to draw a line in the shape of a kitty”.
“Forget the kitty then”, Helen agrees. “But how about a bird ? No way too ?”
Speechless Jack slowly rises his eyes at Helen and she quickly gets it all.
“Forget them all then, forget it”, she mumbles.
Fred flaps on the desk.
“It’s time for the summary, Ladies and Gentlemen !”
“Okay, seven red lines”, Fiona says. “Two in red, two in green and the rest in transparent color”.
“Perfect”, Patrick states before Jack opens his mouth.
Fred happily nods.
“Great. All for now, folks ? Let’s go back to work ? Questions ?”
“Ouups”, Helen screams. “I forgot something. I know we have a red balloon. Jack, would you please airfill it if we ask ?”
“Yes, good point”, Fiona agrees. “Let’s kill two birds right here right now not to meet twice”.
“Jack, can we do this ?“, Fred looks at Jack..
Jack is confused: “I am not sure I am following the link…”
“The balloon is red”, Helen explains.
Jack turns speechless, his fingers shivering.
“Jack, are you with us ?”, Fred is getting annoyed. “Can you do this or you cannot ? A simple question, Jack…”
“Well, I am generally capable filling balloons, but…”
“Great”, Fred nods. “Go meet them, please, and fill the balloon. Trip expenses approved”.
“Tomorrow ?”, Fiona suggests.
“Sure”, Fred agrees. “Believe they won’t object. Are we done ? Perfect. Great job. Thanks everyone !”
Jack’s produces few quick winks trying to find himself back from the virtual reality. He rises from his chair and slowly heads the door.
“Jack, one last point”, Helen asks, her face flashing red. “When you fill the balloon, can you do it in the shape of a kitty ?”
Jack deeply breathes in.
“Yes, I can. I can do everything. I am the professional”